I'm out of my own control

[MaggieThisntha]

You can recover and redirect with each of them. I am one hundred percent certain of that.

 

My 11 year old is already out of control. She is rude, loud mouthed and angry. My sister and her work eachother up.

 

I get chest pains having to deal with her.

 

My younger kid is nicer but doesn't listen either. Bed time goes from 8 pm to 11pm at times just because i get home late and my sister cant control them.

 

I'm losing my mind

[Batya33]

My 11 year old is already out of control. She is rude, loud mouthed and angry. My sister and her work eachother up.

 

I get chest pains having to deal with her.

 

My younger kid is nicer but doesn't listen either. Bed time goes from 8 pm to 11pm at times just because i get home late and my sister cant control them.

 

I'm losing my mind

 

It's ok -she can change just like you can change. And labeling her as you do becomes a self fulfilling prophecy -she is making some bad choices. Those choices don't define her as a person. It might be that your sister should not be involved with them to the extent she is. You don't want "nice" kids -you want kids who make good choices, who eventually are internally motivated to do so.

 

I lost it last night. I yelled at my son for the first time in I can't even remember- months?? He caught me by surprise, it was a potentially dangerous situation and I was solo parenting. No excuses though. I did not say anything hurtful -just used a yelling/angry voice about what he was doing wrong. I physically removed him from throwing around my papers from work while I was tense (so I am sure he felt my tension). I felt like crap and apologized.

 

I pulled myself together, firmly doled out consequences for what he did and in that pulled together calmer demeanor we made it through to bedtime at 8pm (and the fit he threw was at 7:20pm and he still had to brush teeth/pajamas, etc). This morning, I had thought through my approach in advance -this is key. I was tired, still upset, got my period, and he woke up upset because now he had his consequences -his favorite items taken away until later today (and he loves to have them in the morning before school and sometimes gets to bring one or two to school).

 

And- I realized he hadn't finished his homework and we had 36 minutes to eat breakfast and get dressed. I solo parent in the morning. I did not yell even though he whined/resisted/ was disrespectful. I stayed calm and firm. I told him what the additional consequences would be for more whining. I told him he had to attempt to do his HW at breakfast time (now - understand this - when you're calm you can think things through more - his not doing his HW was partly my fault so I wasn't going to tell him he had to do the whole thing). I did a lot of ignoring the annoying antics/behavior. I stuck to my calm, firm tone. I repeated the potential for more consequences, calmly.

 

And here was his reaction. From a whining/disrespectful ornery mess he: hugged and kissed me (which he does a lot when I am firm and give calm structure), and reluctantly started doing his HW which was next to him at the breakfast table. He politely asked me for help, and he didn't ask for a "reward" for finishing even though he'd never had to do HW at 6:30am. He started to whine a little before we left for school because he couldn't bring his item, he got another calm, firm reminder from me and we went out in 20 degree weather to wait for the bus - calmly and frozen.

 

You don't have context here, I get it -you don't know my son (he is 8) or me. Believe me when I tell you that a year or so ago in my wildest dreams I would never have imagined that he would calm down as fast as he did and do his homework on his own despite being cranky and upset about his consequences. It's partly him but it's so much in this case the environment/tone/vibe/energy. Kids are desperate for structure and consistency from their grownups delivered in a calm way. And enough sleep goes a long way too.

 

I feel so awful about yelling and I'm glad I do -it's a great reminder to me for next time -even if I am surprised by my child -who was supposed to be quietly watching Scooby Doo in the living room- holding a heavy piece of expensive artwork pilfered from our bedroom that I've never seen before while I'm trying to clean up from dinner. Even so.

[Hell_On_Heels]

My kids are now 11 and 8. Have i already done too much damage??

 

No. And please, stop that line of thinking. It feeds your guilt, makes you feel it's all hopeless, and eventually paralyzes you into not changing anything.

 

You're ok. You're human, and you get to make mistakes. Brava to you for trying to fix those and for wanting to be a better parent. That takes courage.

 

You've gotten some great advice here, but I wanted to address this. In the end, as you make changes, you've taught yourself and your children how to change behavior in ourselves that we don't like. Surely that is worth quite a lot?