I'm done

[paulanth]

Mid 40s. Been dealing with depression for the last 20 years. Laundry list of medications, none of which worked. Tried ECT, TCM, therapy, etc. I have considered killing myself several times over the years but because of my own fears and my family, I have never pursued it with intent. A big part of my depression is my lack of ability to have a serious relationship over the past 25 years. I don't know if this is the root cause of the depression or a side effect of it. I thought in my younger days that in order to attract women, I need to be the best person I can be. I've managed to be fairly successful. I'm a professor and I'm pretty well known in my field. I stay in pretty good shape, enough to complete in crossfit competitions. But frankly, my work and my other pursuits don't bring me any joy anymore. The fact that I'm not in a relationship and I don't have a family weighs heavily on me. I've come to the point where everything in life seems pretty pointless. I'm beginning to think it is time.

[mike7788]

Hey Paul,

 

 

Being successful and in good shape are great qualities in attracting partners towards us.

 

 

Do you have any explanation as to why you're unable to form new relationships?

Have you tried and been unsuccessful?

Have you not tried out of fear?

[holistic17]

You sound like a pretty good catch! You say you feel you don't have the ability to have a serious relationship, but why do you think that is? You obviously want one and a family, so what exactly is it in your mind that prevents you from accomplishing this?

[paulanth]

Thank you for responding. I appreciate it. I'm not sure why I'm posting on here. Maybe for a reason not to go through with it. I'm not really looking for relationship advice or how to meet women. I'm a pretty firm believer that nothing in this life is accomplished without earning it. I'm certainly not entitled to a relationship or to the attention of women. I spent my 20s with extreme social anxiety. It was to the point where if I had a social interaction at work that I thought went bad, I would immediate go home and spend the rest of the day in my bed thinking about it over and over again. At 33, my depression and social anxiety were so bad I realized that I couldn't live life like that so I took steps. I hospitalized myself for a couple weeks, started cognitive behavioral therapy and eventually threw myself into every anxiety provoking activity I could to overcome it like social dance and improv (I highly recommend improv). When it came to dating and relationships, I thought the same way. I couldn't expect a woman and a relationship to simply appear. I'm not entitled to that. So I approached it the same way. I refuse to date students or co-workers so I tried online dating, socializing in public, accepting any invitation to social events that I could. I even tried asking women out randomly in public for periods of time while I was going about my day (this was the toughest one. Talk about anxiety provoking. I highly recommend it to the younger men out there as long as you are polite. Be prepared to be rejected many times). The truth is I don't think I can be accused of not trying to put myself out there.

 

I'm just tired. I don't have motivation and passion for anything in life anymore. This is as good a time as any. I have no allusions that I am irreplaceable at work. They'll hire someone new eventually, start some scholarship in my name and life will go on. My parents are getting older and my nephews are too young to remember me.

[mike7788]

I Think you have hope, Paul.

 

 

Not every one functions the same.

 

I myself have social anxiety, and I overcame it through work. I've also dealt with depression, partly from meds, partly because I was diagnosed with arthritis at a young age.

 

 

I know there are a lot of self-motivating quotes about happiness out there, and to always have a positive outlook, but these are BS.

 

These were written by people who have naturally a positive brain chemistry.

 

 

Happiness is a journey. It's a feeling, like hunger, that is sparked by specific factors that contribute to our life.

 

People depend on you at school,

I depend on you, as a forum buddy, to continue taking the journey through life with myself, and we can go through this together.

 

If you ever want to $kype or anything to help you through some bad situations, I can help you out, brother.

 

PM me!

[Waraqqa]

Paul, you do sound like a catch. It is a pity and strange how some really catchy people don't think more of themselves. A professor, intelligent, in a good shape, and of a good age!

I have been having similar thoughts (except for ending life), I am 35 year old female, and single. Due to the last two relationships having gone badly, I ended up re-developing extreme social anxiety that I only had in my teens. I can't believe I'm back to that! And it feels like the clock is ticking.

You have at least two advantages that I can see - 1) For a man, 40 is a mature and ripe age, but not old. Even at my 35, as a woman I feel it is a challenge, b/c I don't like dating younger guys, and most people my age and over are already taken (at least in the type of society I seem to live in). 2) You are accomplished professionally and academically, that's a lot, believe me! I am still struggling to finish my grad studies, and don't have much to boast.

 

If on top of that you are in a good shape and take care of yourself, that's amazing! Seriously, you should really think highly of yourself, you are a catch!!!

[paulanth]

Thank you for all your kind responses. I appreciate them. But I don't have the inclination or the energy to continue. Thank you

[LonelyPast]

Been dealing with depression for the last 20 years. Laundry list of medications, none of which worked. Tried ECT, TCM, therapy, etc. I have considered killing myself several times over the years but because of my own fears and my family, I have never pursued it with intent. A big part of my depression is my lack of ability to have a serious relationship over the past 25 years.

 

Ditto to all of these parts. Unraveling a little more every year. Looking to others to see how it plays out or if there's anything left to try.

 

I couldn't expect a woman and a relationship to simply appear. I'm not entitled to that. So I approached it the same way. I refuse to date students or co-workers so I tried online dating, socializing in public, accepting any invitation to social events that I could. I even tried asking women out randomly in public for periods of time while I was going about my day (this was the toughest one. Talk about anxiety provoking. I highly recommend it to the younger men out there as long as you are polite. Be prepared to be rejected many times). The truth is I don't think I can be accused of not trying to put myself out there.

 

Most of this too. How has the effort level fluctuated for you over the years? I started down the self-improvement path about 8 years ago. It was incredible for the first 5 years or so, but now I'm losing steam and can't see myself sustaining it for another 50. Sometimes I feel like I've never really been enjoying life the way I'm supposed to and see all the work and activities as nothing more than means to an ends (a loving relationship). When nothing I do seems to make that happen I question the process of life and wonder why I'm wasting my time on it. Normal people seem to just enjoy the process for what it is, but with depression this is so SO SO much harder to make natural.

 

I'm just tired. I don't have motivation and passion for anything in life anymore. This is as good a time as any.

 

I understand. You've "made it" by most conventional measures of success and you're just kinda going "Is this it? I'm just supposed to stay on the treadmill now?"

 

What would it take to renew your vigor and make you want to keep going? Is it a relationship? I know that's what I want. Is there even a nagging suspicion that you've got too much hope placed on one and it would be doomed to failure anyway, or that the depression would remain stronger than any kind of support a mortal woman could ever hope to offer you, so that deep down you know the thing you desire most still won't be able to save you from yourself? That part sucks. I don't know what to do about that part. Death does often seem like a better solution than dumping all the responsibility on somebody else.

 

For entirely selfish purposes I hope you find a way out of this turmoil which happens to involve remaining alive.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Ditto to all of these parts. Unraveling a little more every year. Looking to others to see how it plays out or if there's anything left to try.

 

 

 

Most of this too. How has the effort level fluctuated for you over the years? I started down the self-improvement path about 8 years ago. It was incredible for the first 5 years or so, but now I'm losing steam and can't see myself sustaining it for another 50. Sometimes I feel like I've never really been enjoying life the way I'm supposed to and see all the work and activities as nothing more than means to an ends (a loving relationship). When nothing I do seems to make that happen I question the process of life and wonder why I'm wasting my time on it. Normal people seem to just enjoy the process for what it is, but with depression this is so SO SO much harder to make natural.

 

 

 

I understand. You've "made it" by most conventional measures of success and you're just kinda going "Is this it? I'm just supposed to stay on the treadmill now?"

 

What would it take to renew your vigor and make you want to keep going? Is it a relationship? I know that's what I want. Is there even a nagging suspicion that you've got too much hope placed on one and it would be doomed to failure anyway, or that the depression would remain stronger than any kind of support a mortal woman could ever hope to offer you, so that deep down you know the thing you desire most still won't be able to save you from yourself? That part sucks. I don't know what to do about that part. Death does often seem like a better solution than dumping all the responsibility on somebody else.

 

For entirely selfish purposes I hope you find a way out of this turmoil which happens to involve remaining alive.

 

The problem is that humans need companionship, love, and to be honest not being in a relationship means that you miss out on so much! I really understood this after I got into my first real relationship that recently ended. I remember thinking when it was fresh, 'God I really missed out on this in my early-mid 20s' feeling so bitter towards different women giving me such a hard time when it comes to dating me.

 

OP, you said that you tried online dating etc , how did that work out for you? You are getting yourself out there surprised you have not met somebody - are you going on dates?

[skywriter]

Are you OK Paul? Reading this last post gives me the chills. It sounds like your mind is made up. I hope you are still alive and well. You sound like a genuinely charasmatic, intelligent guy.

[Brodey]

Paul, are you there?

[Joliefrog]

I really hope he is

[chitown9]

Yes, me too! I wanted to get to know him....chi