Did I lose her already or do I still have a chance?

[MasonIsMe]

Hello,

First I'd like to say sorry if this isn't the proper forum but I felt it was the stage I was in.

Anyway this is a long story.

So about 2 years ago I started talking to this girl I went to elementary school with (after elementary I went to a different middle and high school). I don't quite remember my intentions at the time but I know I did find her remarkably cute. We started talking a little through Facebook and then she after a couple of days offered to give me her number so we could talk more. I obviously said yes and from what it seemed we also had so much in common, more than I've ever had in common with anyone. We talked for about a month through texting and I finally built up the courage to ask if she wanted to meet up that weekend. Well this is where things get ugly... I initiated that question by first asking if she was dating someone (which at the time I thought was a good idea but now regret because that single question came back to bite me, but I'll explain more on that soon). She simply replied that she wasn't. Then I asked if she wanted to meet up and hang out (my intentions here weren't for us to go on like a date but more just to catch up with each other and get to know each other better). Her reply, she said she already had plans with some old friends of hers so she couldn't. I kept my cool there and said dang maybe another time then. Then we continued talking. Well that night, my beautiful combination of anxiety and depression whispered in my ear that I messed up big time, that I was too pushy and she thinks you only intend to date her. So I stupidly sent a huge long text saying how I didn't want to date her or anything (sounds like something a tsudere would say...) and all this other stuff. She never replied to or acknowledge that message. After that I felt like there was a slowly increasing gap whenever we would talk. My confidence was shot, I was a bit of a wreck, then suddenly one of my friends (female) started messaging me out of the blue, saying how her boyfriend just broke up with her and how she was sad. Well I felt bad and tried my best cheering her up everyday. Well eventually in the following couple weeks, my friend slowly pulled me in closer till eventually (me feeling unconfident in myself and needing encouragement) things turned romantic between us and we started dating. At that point, I dropped all communication with the original girl. I stayed in a relationship with my friend for a year and a half, and I could tell it was unhealthy for both of us. Neither of us could communicate our feelings and I finally broke up with the girl who I never really liked in that way to begin with.

A few months later (I think like 4 months ago today) I decided I'd text the original girl, see if she'd even reply after near two years of no communication with no given explanation (though I've convinced myself she knew I stopped talking to her because I started dating someone). Well she did, and we both kind of acted like nothing happened, but I could feel the the difference in our conversations. She felt less open, less personal. I tried talking to her everyday to see if I could maybe "redeem" myself, and I felt like it was working for a little. It put me in an amazing state of mind, I was way happier and had tons more energy. I was always typically the one who initiated the conversations so the first time she messaged me first, I was so excited. I felt I was regaining what I lost. But it didn't last long. I don't know what happened but suddenly replies where less frequent and less often (she often would say sorry forgot to reply or that she was in class). Then that gap felt like it was increasing again instead of decreasing and it freaked me out. Enter anxiety and depression again, telling me she remembers everything, you need to do something. So once again I stupidly sent a text spilling my emotions all over her metaphorical lap, saying how I would love to get to know her more and that I was sorry I stopped talking for so long. Not a single letter was sent to me in reply. At this point my brain was melted and my heart crushed, I didn't know what to do, so I just reverted back to the normal small talk massaging that I had been doing. That lasted for a very short time until I finally, at the beginning of February, asked her if she was just forgetting to reply or intentionally ignoring me when I was messaging her cause I really wanted to know how I should proceed. Once again no reply but this time my anxiety and depression said, okay guy this is your final battle, go out there and admit to everything. So I messaged her basically this entire story only far more condensed and far less thought out (also I didn't admit to her my depression and anxiety out of fear that she would think I was insane and too much to deal with). I ended with the message saying since it appears you are ignoring me I suppose this will be the last message I send you unless you want to talk more.

No surprise, there was no reply. I tried waiting but, as you may guess, depression and anxiety came to me and said, you ed up real bad now, there goes the girl of your dreams, she was perfect and ya blew it. It drove me insane, I was more depressed than I'd ever been. I had to turn things around, I had to get her back, so 3 days ago I simply said hello, in hope it would be like the other times. We could just ignore it and I could keep trying, but that isn't what happened so that night, I said how it would be amazing if we could ignore all I've said and that I wasn't like this normally (which is true, I've never really freaked out this much) but I've still recieved no reply and my emotional state only gets worse (and I'm still to afraid to tell her about my emotional state).

I think where I messed up is when I asked if she was dating anyone and the freak out that soon followed, but for all I know now, she maybe was never interested in anything but just messaging. I don't know if I'm reading things correctly or not and I want to know what others think could have went wrong. I clearly messed up and couldn't get past the "Attraction and flirting" stage, and I don't know how to proceed. I know with enough time I'll naturally shove all these emotions into that already way past full bottle of emotions I've built up through the years but I'm tired of doing that. I want to get her attention again, I want to be able to talk to her, but I don't want to come across as a psychopath. How am I supposed to tell her I can't sleep at night because the thought that I may have lost something absolutely amazing just brings me utter sadness. From her perspective I'm just somebody that she used to know a long while ago, I don't know how I could get her to understand how I feel. I need help please, even though I know my life will go on without her, I don't want it to.

 

I hope this doesn't come of as psychotic or obsessed, cause that's not what I want to be. I don't know what is making me act this way but I want her to realize how just the smallest thing she does, can make or break my day.

Sorry this was so long and again sorry if this really isn't the proper location for this issue. Also sorry if the issue is unclear, because it's a bit unclear to me too.

 

-Mason

[Dahl]

Hello, Mason and welcome to the forum.

 

Well, I don't know what it is, but I find you as endearing as a basket of puppies. I respect your laudable efforts to combat the anxiety and depression you are managing, and I doubt it will be astonishing news to hear the wonder if these elements aren't causing you to overthink. I absolutely think these things are preventing you from appropriately valuing yourself and your approach to your life, in general.

 

Which brings me to my question and probably far more interesting to you, my long-winded answer to your question:

 

Q) You don't really want this girl as a partner, Mason.

 

I can toss a question mark up there to make it a proper question, if it please you, but, Mason. Really. You don't. She may be lovely as all get out, but it's just not a good fit. You deserve to save yourself the stress and strife of trying to make a square, albeit most likely innocuous and swell round peg go into a charming, work-in-progress, totally going to win at life if given a little more time and a few fortuitous breaks squared hole.

 

A) Have you lost her? Mate, you haven't lost anything. Please don't put yourself through trying to make this happen so that your question becomes applicable. Be kind and careful to and with you. You've earned it. Don't chase this. Walk away and toward a more inviting horizon.

 

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck. You seem dead nifty to me. Cheers.

[MasonIsMe]

Dahl,

 

I do believe you said the words I needed to hear. Though it hurts everytime I read your reply, it also makes me smile like a damn fool. Thank you for your kind words and your insight. I woke up this morning and didn't even want to get out of bed. I sat in bed looking for answers, looking for something to help. You have opened my eyes a bit more today and turned my mood completely around. Although I'm not a religious man, I will admit you are a Godsend!

 

Many thanks!

-Mason

[Dahl]

You are entirely welcome, Mason.

 

If you read my other posts (do not read my other posts, they are almost exclusively tedious drivel that all but formulaically, and with eye-glazing inferiority, merely murmur echoes of whatever it turns out Wiseman's already analyzed and diagnosed at a higher quality clip), you'd see at once that I'm not given to ladling out praise and admiration for ladling's sake.

 

I truly do think that you are, if anything, in a wretched, but nonspecific (nonspecific to any particular person, such as this girl, or happening) 'slump' - and in no way do I mean to trivialize how lousy that feels with such casual terminology, but rather, I hope to emphasize how temporary these downward turns can be.

 

You are a delightfully articulate, impressively introspective, sensitive and clever bloke. Again, in no way am I trivializing this rotten, long-dark-tea-time-of-the-soul period. But I would hate to see you come out the other side of it, and you will come out the other side of this, pre-laden with ready-made strife.

 

You are likely overwhelmed, feeling generally discombobulated and all-around (I apologize for the upcoming highbrow technical language: ) icky.

 

I felt remiss to sit idly by if you were taking an inventory of perceived personal faults because, though of course you have them as do we all, I am concerned that you will be able to fairly and accurately assess these things just now.

 

I think you are just bang on nifty and yet I wasn't getting the sense that you are likely to agree at the moment, so I wanted to caution you about moving toward this relationship just now (not saying 'never'. Am thinking 'never,' but feel like a jerk actually typing the word) when I strongly recommend that whatever you decide to do with this person or any other, you grant you a nice, gentle spot of kind care and gracious attention, first. And then reevaluate. (but still come to the conclusion 'never.')

 

May I ask, what, if anything, knocked you off kilter a bit today? Regardless, I am sorry to hear it. Here's to brighter days finding you and soon.

 

I'm here if you need me. You know, when Wiseman's sleeping or otherwise occupied.

[MasonIsMe]

Dahl,

 

First sorry for such a late reply, I recently moved (probably a big factor to my situation currently), and since I felt a bit more motivated I organized a bit and finally set up my computer rather than using my phone.

 

I greatly appreciate your insight and your kindness to a complete stranger (also you used the word "Delightfully" which is one of my favorite words). As to the cause of my morning blues, I have a tendency to spontaneously start thinking about my life, which inevitably turns to thinking of the sad things in my life, which in turn leads to me "bumming" myself out. Its more typical of me to do it at night but if there is a particular topic, it can happen anytime I'm alone.

 

I also was curious, if you don't mind elaborating on why you feel this girl is not something I should pursue. I wish I could move on from the topic but it will probably weigh on me for a while.

 

-Mason

[Dahl]

'lo, Mason! No worries! I'm happily occupied improving my typing speed (no reason. Wiseman)

 

Ooh, delightfully *is* a good word, good looking out! I was just reminded of 'flibbertygibbet' and am tickled anew.

 

Right, well, as much as I care to pounce on posting buckets and buckets of potentially helpful, decidedly unsolicited and definitely limited application 'how to rally yourself in a slump' DIY essays, I'll try to address the question you posed, instead.

 

In two ways.

 

Ugh, you know what? You are bang on about the computer v one's mobile.

 

Hold tight, fetching proper machine.

[MasonIsMe]

Thank you for introducing me to that word, flibbertigibbet is definitely going on the list of words that I deem outstanding!

[Dahl]

/beams

 

 

I'm lugging behemoth laptop in now.

[Dahl]

Right, so:

 

Why I Feel You Should Not Pursue This Girl

By Dahl

 

Chapter One..

 

Kidding. To address your last posting, and after making the formal concession that I do not know this girl, I have no impression of this girl beyond the faintest sketch of the dimmest outline, I’m sure she’s a lovely person who helps the elderly cross the street and never fudges on her taxes, and this is naught at all to do with her, explicitly or individualistically, but rather, what I perceive are your past and likely future interactions with her and how I believe these will serve you, or not, as I feel to be the outcome in this particular case:

 

Firstly, the basic, factory model, pragmatic reasoning.

 

• At best, she sounds a wee bit difficult to rub along with. Not a bad thing. I am, for most, possibly all people.

 

But not what I think you will find works well for you given your personality (also not a bad thing. As I wrote above, I think you’re several shades of swell), which seems to me to be decidedly thoughtful and organized in your approach and rationale, not given to exhibiting or responding seamlessly to high-emotion, dramatic expressions/communications, and definitely not the sort of bloke who is okay with lack of any, far less open/good communication, which she seems either disinclined to participate in, consistently, or unable to participate in, consistently

 

• Her aloofness.

 

Again, not criticizing her, but I think she will not be a grand candidate for your serious romantic intentions as I think you would absolutely flourish, not to mention revel in, being with a girl who is warm, inviting, responsive, engaging and plain-spoken.

 

Not knocking this girl, but she couldn’t have given you less to work with in terms of understanding her, interacting with her, progressing comfortably with her, if you were a Congressional hearing and she’d been brought before you under duress to justify a career’s worth of fiscal irregularity.

 

If you were to pursue this girl, I see a lamentable amount of the should-I/shouldn’t-I, wait,-did-I/didn’t-I, hair-tearing, jaw-clenching, stomach-rolling instability that has colored your experience with her thus far, as evidenced by your tormented emails and texts.

 

(further, personally, I don’t think it’s all that nice that she didn’t bother to cotton on to your distress and at least shoot you a clear answer now and again)

 

• And perhaps, most importantly in past-is-one-thing-this-is-here-and-now-terms, Mason, she doesn’t seem that keen on you.

 

I mean, search me as to why. I think you’re just super. She is totally missing out, here.

 

But given your personality (you’re not a player, nor a PUA, I highly doubt it’s the chase that seduces you) and your current circumstances (these aren’t easy days, though I firmly maintain you’ll sail right through them, regardless; still, why invite known stressors), I don’t think you want to set your cap for a challenge of this degree with this little payoff.

 

Again, I’m sure she’s awesome, but I feel equally sure she’s not awesome for *you*

 

And secondly, my own, wildly speculative, just shooting from the hip, here, make of it what you will, or lift your chin with a derisive sniff and look away, no harm done:

 

Flatly, Mason, I don’t think this is your kind of girl. I mean, what do I know, right? But. I don’t. I just don’t see the match.

 

You write like you’re either a professional wordsmith or working to become one, you’re as articulate and clever with your writing as though, if you didn’t know better, and didn’t want a career that garnered a wage one can survive on, you’d have been a philosophy major, and I really do get the sense from you that despite whatever demons are currently rearing their ugly little, tiresome heads and plaguing you, you’re a right gem of a person, unique and rare, and worth quite a sight more than the average bear.

 

And. Well. Bears are great. I love bears. Bears are good people. Even the average ones. Possibly especially the average ones.

 

But.. I don’t think you’re an average anything, Mason, and I think she is.

 

Now, average is good. Half the time. Or something.

 

I don’t know – I’m not, not, not bashing this girl.

 

I’m sure she is terrific. I sincerely have no belief that she is not.

 

But. I do.. kinda.. sorta.. fixedly believe that more than likely, she’s an average shade of terrific.

 

And setting an above average bear after a steadily, even awesome average bear is just.. I don’t know. Wrong. Not good enough? It just seems a mistake, to me.

 

I could have this all turned around, of course. You would know better than anyone.

 

In fact, ask yourself, Mason – what is it about this girl that is so appealing to you at the moment?

 

Could – and no judgment, no expectation, just floating this question by you for your consideration, not an answer, but could it be an over-inflated importance temporarily assigned to the known quantity quotient of her?

 

Or could it be that there’s some leftover, unfinished, what-could(a/woulda/shoulda)-have-been business that has somehow worked its way under your skin and is now itchy fiercely and demanding irrational redress?

 

Please do note – whatever you decide, I genuinely wish you nothing but the best of luck. Truly. Whatever it is. I do.

 

 

 

 

But I’m right about the writer thing, yes?

[RainyCoast]

Dahl, please, if you are not writing books and articles and hosting shows yet, start to. you are enthralling!

[Dahl]

Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh, you're Rainy Coast! The Rainy Coast!!

 

/swoons

 

I have to say, I'm a huge, huge fan!

 

And thank you! This is exceptionally flattering coming from you, as I privately believe you must be a professional, given the high caliber, adept advice you proffer!

 

Thank you!

[RainyCoast]

abfgffff you've outed me, i st00pidly thought i could hide my fame and greatness. don't worry, i'll sign your T-shirt if you sign mine. :semi-twins:

[Dahl]

/signs in starstruck bliss

 

(/under Wiseman's. As. Usual.)

 

No ma'am. I done sussed you out as one of them pro-fesh-eon-ail thinkers 'bout a hundred and fitty posts back.

 

But then, I was always a right upstart.

 

(seriously, RainyCoast, you've absolutely made my day!)

[Dahl]

(and so sorry, Mason, for hijacking your thread. But! RainyCoast!! She's one of the forum's top shelf superstars!!)

[MasonIsMe]

Dahl,

 

You couldn't be more off with the writer thing actually (or perhaps right? I have been a lot more conversational recently), I always excelled and payed attention way better in maths and sciences (plus I am by far the slowest reader you will ever meet). However I do enjoy philosophical discussion (not sure what I like most about it though, learning other view points and the way people think, or finding different ways of thinking myself).

 

Anyway, the actual subject at hand, I hate for it to seem like I'm blindly following your words, but you have brought up some points that are very hard to argue against. I don't know if its your barrage of compliments slipped into your writing that makes me trust your opinion, or if your words have actually made something click in my head.

 

Here is a bit of story to help illuminate how I view communication in relationships.

 

Not long ago, my mother got divorced with my now ex step father (which was honestly aggravating to my older brother and I considering it felt she waited for us to be moved out of the house before she left that wretched man, but that is a whole different story), and when I came to help her move her belongings, I got the pleasure of sitting in my car while the two stood right outside my door, my mother in tears, and the man I had never once seen in a state of weakness crying as well, as they talked. He pleaded and begged to her to come back, that he was a changed man. He spoke about how he knew he would never communicate with her and ignored how she felt. Seeing and hearing this brute of a man destroyed because he couldn't communicate made my heart sink. I was near tears, because I knew I was the same. Being raised in a Irish Catholic family, I was "programmed" at a young age to think emotions were bad, and to hide what I felt because what I was feeling was uncomfortable to talk about. Every relationship I had been in always ended because of poor communication and understanding between me and the girl. So at that moment I decided I didn't want to be like that man, I didn't want my future to be me begging on my knees to someone I shouldn't have lost to begin with. I still to this day have a lot of trouble communicating my feelings in person (unless I have had a few), but I keep working on it.

Communicating through messaging is a different story. I definitely enjoy having the time to think of my words before they just pour out of my mouth.

 

But yes! The point is I strongly agree with you on the point of this girl being a terrible communicator, I always just made the excuse to myself that it was just because she was like me, since I used to hate communication as well.

 

This definitely is what I needed, I can slowly feel the weight coming off my chest the more I see the situation from a different angle.

About me being a wordsmith is too kind. I find your word play far more educated and advanced than my own.

Also I like how you bring up me being not an average anything, because I have always felt like I try to become at the very least above average at anything I do.

 

As I'm writing this though a thought has popped into my head (though by the feel of it it is definitely from anxiety), I am beginning to wonder if there is something greater at play that I am not privy to. Something along the lines of you seeing how hopeless my situation is and instead of saying the blunt truth to spare my feelings, you opt toward a route of reassurance for me to move on (and this not being an in person conversation I can't read your body language or read your exact tone, so it feels as though I'm blind and can't reassure myself that something isn't amiss).

 

Sorry if that comes across a bit rude, that isn't my intention. It was more to let you know that my mind is trying to fight against me subconsciously (or picking up on something I'm not directly seeing).

 

Well at this point I feel my brain has gone into rambling mode so I'll finish up and answer your questions.

 

At the current moment, I can not think of anything other than appearance that is appealing me to this girl, though if you asked me yesterday I would have been able to give you a ten page list (this is a hyperbole, ten pages its quite a lot, especially if your hand writing is small). The fact that it is only appearance turns me away however because I want someone who not only I find appealing physically, but also mentally.

 

I'll skip the next question (not because you said you aren't looking for an answer, but because I actually don't have an the slightest inkling as to what quantity quotient could possibly be nor did the all mighty google help)

 

I know for a fact that my anxiety is screaming at me "but what if she was the one, it coulda... it shoulda... it woulda...

 

-Mason

[RainyCoast]

about that, i have a theory about wiseman's superhuman wisdom, but i will keep you in suspense for now. also, i heard he has n00des. but you didn't hear that from me.

 

sorry OP, i contributed nothing! perhaps when i can follow better, i am quite slow and inefficient today and doubt i'd have been much use, and it sounds like you'd gotten great advice already. my cheers and support though!

[Dahl]

Right, well, we’ll be revisiting the what?!-no!!-you-are-too-totally-a-writer-at-least-you-should-be!-you-may-just-not-know-it-yet,-ooh-what-about-a-memoir?-does-that-idea-do-anything-for-you? debate later.

 

Or not, your call.

 

Mason, I doubt you have blindly followed anyone in your adult life, no worries. You are a natural born thinker, and a proper question-asker. You raise good ones, now. Please allow me to address:

 

To reassure you – I don’t find you rude in the slightest.

 

I do truly think you are well beyond average.

 

I am not flattering you, at least, not for the sole purpose of flattering you and in no way to manipulate you. I would have nothing to gain; I’m not looking for your vote, I’m not a displaced member of the Nigerian Royal family desperately needing an advocate with a viable bank account.

 

If you feel I have given you a barrage of compliments, I can see why that would spike your alert system, sincerely I can.

 

And in neutral, unbiased, third-party observer analysis of that system spike, I think the trouble lies in the incongruous notion that other people simply are not giving you enough compliments. Or perhaps they are, but what you glean from the exchanges do not sound like compliments, to you.

 

You *are* clearly praise-worthy, Mason, and that’s coming just from my very limited experience with you.

 

Further, I don’t know how much direction is actually from me, in this. I think you are doing the lion’s share of the evaluating and sorting in your own clever head, and belike you simply needed a format in which to freely outline, shuffle and shape your ideas, and against the backdrop of a forum such as this, your instinct is paying off.

 

After all, you are the one who deduced that the communication element to this entire dynamic between you and this girl may play a bigger part in the disparity you feel between the two of you at times, for better or worse, than you may have initially realized, and that it may even hold tell-tale or even lynchpin status.

 

And kudos on that! Follow this line of reasoning, Mason. I think it’s bang on sound.

 

Next: appearance is not a small thing. You must be attracted to the object of your heart’s desire, no?

 

I’m just pointedly suggesting that, in this case, or my case, the Case of Why Mason Should Not Pursue This Girl, by Dahl’s opinion, it’s too small of a thing.

 

Exceptionally so if it’s a stand alone thing.

 

But you already touched on this, and I appreciate your sentiments. You are asking the right questions of yourself, Mason. Don’t be afraid to clap a shoulder for also answering them well, to boot.

 

Wow – that memory! That is a brutal, crystalizing moment in your development, Mason – it does my head in. No wonder you view communication with a wary respect. I’m not sure, had I been through what you have, I’d be able to look it straight on, at all.

 

But you are looking this straight on. Another shoulder clap, Mason – because you have an enormous chunk of this well and truly sussed out. You know what doesn’t work for you, at the bare minimum.

 

And despite just using the term bare minimum, I think that is a momentous advantage to you.

 

Not to harp, but I do add this to my why-not-to-pursue list. No/Bad/Worse communication would seem like an automatic deal breaker for you, no? If you envision this relationship several months, a year, years, ahead – how do you see the communication – as you know it to be, at this moment, playing out for you two?

 

And, for the record, for whatever it’s worth, I am so sorry for you and your brother having to endure that strife and tension. It sounds very damaging, indeed.

 

Are you close to your mother, now?

 

As to what you aren’t picking up on – explore those concerns – there’s no harm done asking questions, looking for answers. Your instincts are good – just need to find a way to wrest them from your anxiety’s clutches, and you know that; you’re already working on it.

 

Reassure yourself that I am not sugarcoating anything, if it helps, by noting that I am repeatedly, presumptuously stating, ‘do not pursue this girl, Mason,’ ‘here’s quite a few reasons from a stranger with no place to say so, why she is not a strong enough peer for you,’ and, for clarity’s sake, I’ll add a new refrain:

 

This person isn’t the right person because she is challenging, yes, but not in the ways you would do well, better, best to be challenged. She may be a great person, Mason, but you need a particular type of great – the kind that mirrors your own unique and estimable character.

 

I can be more blunt. You strike me as a man of sincere and significant integrity.

 

I am in no way saying she’s deficient in integrity.

 

But I can’t see her being on your level in this aspect, due mostly to her lackluster response to your reaching out to her, to your laudable attempting to understand, further and deepen your communications with her, and especially with regard to the way she rather let you twist a bit in the breeze when you were clearly floundering and could have used a friendly helping hand from her.

 

So, no. The sugarcoating is not strong with me.

 

Lastly, Mason. If. IF. She were the one? Doesn’t some small part of you reply to those impish, anxiety-riddled ribbons of what-ifs with..

 

..then.. I coulda..

 

..and..she shoulda..

 

..most tellingly of all:

 

..it woulda.. already.. by this time, at least.. Well. Would have anything. Become something, then, now, sometime near the middle?

 

Not judging. Just want to countermand unfounded, unfettered anxiety whispers, if at all helpful.

[MasonIsMe]

Dahl,

 

I do love a good debate... You seem quite proficient at following multiple conversations, so I wouldn't mind having a good ol' fashion debate (only it is the opposite of old fashioned considering it would be done using modern technology...)

 

At this point I feel the girl is definitely being pushed aside, and I'm fine with that. I feel I have resolved quite a bit with that situation. I now understand your round peg and square hole metaphor on a deeper level.

 

However you are now digging into another spectrum of my brain with that mom question. I love my mom to death but I'll admit I wish I was ten times closer to her than I am now (I would have to blame my, used to be, step father for that mostly but not fully. I could definitely explain that reasoning if you'd care to hear yet another tale in the childhood of Mason. I'll be honest, I'm more open towards strangers than those I am closest to so I don't mind the slightest in telling).

 

I see my cousin freely talk about anything with his mom and I can't help but feel jealous that I am missing out on such a relationship. As a young child I was my mom's baby boy (her "boobear" as she would say). From the sounds of stories (sadly I don't remember well, it being so long ago and me being so young) it appeared she gave me much tender love and affection. I do remember (this being yet another prime topic coming up) at my father's funeral when I was five years old, instead of sitting at the front with family members, I only wanted to be with my mom (having been divorced from my father for about a year or two at the time so they told her she had to sit in the regular section) and I spent the whole time hugging her and crying my eyes out. However another memory that sticks out in my head, one night when I was around eight years old, I built up the courage to tell my mom that I had spent the previous night crying myself to sleep thinking about my father, and to that she replied with a "Oh Mason stop" followed by a small chuckle... I feel this was a major turning point for me in my relationship with her. It made me feel like how I felt wasn't a big deal and I should just hide it. Even to this day I find it hard to talk to her about things, even though it does seem she has become a better listener with age. I wish I could tell her this but I know it would probably bring her to tears which would inevitably cause me to do the same (crying is one of my least favorite things in the entire world, though I am trying to change my ways. I even once lost interest in a girl because she actually brought me to tears in a fight, as childish as that may sound but I guess I was still technically a child at the time. And yet again that relationship is another prime topic).

 

So in all I'd say my relationship with my mom leaves much to desire and is a much touchier subject for me... Definitely is something I have spent countless hours pondering to no avail. I feel even my brother (the older one I spoke of before, but I suppose you don't know of the other two yet) can talk to her far better than I.

 

Thinking about it as well, although I'm probably closest to my older brother, the only family member I have ever been able to talk about anything with is my older sister (I actually found out recently we are very similar when it comes to our mental state but I'll admit she is sadly far worse than I and has been through far worse than I) but I think that mainly stems from what I said about me being more open to strangers (my older sister and I didn't get along at all as children so we didn't really talk much, and since she is only related to me through my father she didn't live with my brother, my mom, and me after my mom and dad's divorce, so I rarely got to see her or hang out with her).

 

Sorry if I'm dragging you into topics you don't want to go into, I just have never been able to talk about any of this really ever with anyone so it is a lot of emotional baggage I have to unload. I honestly could probably write a book about all my "problems" (I don't really like calling it problems but a more suitable word is eluding me right now).

 

I guess the choice is yours which direction you wanna take it, the brute step father, the emotional mother relationship, my first real relationship with a girl, even my father, and also there is my relationships with my siblings as well. Not sure how long I'll be awake though so there may be a pause sometime if you choose to continue (though I honestly could stay up all night talking I suppose getting some sleep for work tomorrow is a smarter option).

 

-Mason

[Dahl]

I cast my vote toward your lady mother, if you please, Mason, though by all means, do take whatever time you wish to rest and regroup. And work, have a life; I'm not all that demanding.

 

For the record, I'd consider it a right privilege if I can be of any assistance with any matter you feel comfortable discussing.

 

I can appreciate your take on chatting with a stranger quite very well.

 

 

I find it invaluable, personally, but then I also feel that the more I open up, the stranger people get. Course, I wouldn't trade the interesting factor of it, when it's there, for love nor money.

 

I could pepper you with questions, but I'm presuming it would serve you better to let you unfold your tale at your own pace. Rather like extending a well-intentioned hand to someone who has been wedged in one incommodious position for some disagreeable amount of time. One means well, but tug too fast here on a spot too numb or sore there, and you aren't offering them anything more than a new variety of discomfort.

 

I can guarantee my sincere and careful attention. You won't offend me or bruise my sensibilities. So if you are interested, I'm dead keen to hear and I'm certainly willing to help however I may.

 

By the by - for myself, I choose to use the word troubles more often than not. Problems has such a whinging connotation to it when I apply it in relation to myself. If that's of any value.

 

You go on and continue whenever you wish, with whatever is most amenable to you in the moment. I'll keep up. I've always thought the conventional wisdom concerning horses and swapping saddles midstream was vastly unconvincing. Worst that happens, your boots get a bit damp.

 

And really, what forward-thinking person is that hung up on their footwear?

 

So please, take your time and I'll ruminate on the background that you've laid out thus far, make sure that I have a workable understanding as a solid foundation.

 

I'm dead relieved that you are if even but momentarily putting the strain of what to do about the girl out of your head, but I'm not sure if I'll say so, lest it sound like I'm harping.

 

Looking forward to hearing more from you, Mason. You take care.

[MasonIsMe]

Seeing as you chose the hardest of the bunch in my opinion (not a bad thing, in fact more interesting I feel) I will take my leave for tonight and get some rest before I open covered wounds and keep myself up all night. We'll see where my thoughts wonder tomorrow! See ya around and thanks again for being a great listener and providing some commentary on my crazy wacky roller coaster ride of a life!

[Dahl]

It's a pleasure, Mason, truly, not any breed of chore.

 

Rest well and dream of already perfectly unpacked and organized new flats. Congratulations on the move, as well.

 

Talk later. Cheers!