3.5 months and still not over her

[beast1125]

I just need to get this out there because their aren't many people in my circle right now to talk to about this. I was dating a woman for two years and she finally ended things last November. It was November 5, 2016 to be specific as I'll probably never forget the lonliness that stemmed from that day. The relationship started out great. We met at a local gym while she was dating someone else. Fast forward and they were broken up so I pursued. She hadn't been single that long and was very young (23) at the time. This was a red flag that I ignored and should not have. I was 29 when I met and pursued her and quickly turned 30 early on in our dating even before she was 24. This age gap became noticeable in some ways early on, but she was fairly mature for her age. She still wanted to go out a lot and go dancing and stuff. I participated in a lot of it early on, but just found myself not being able to keep up. We ended up going on a snowboarding trip a few months into our relationship with some of her friends and I got really insecure when she was with them. I hated feeling that way too. I thought to myself that I needed to breakup when we got back and sort some of those things out on my own. A few months later I tried to do just that, but during the conversation she started crying and I caved. Told her we could keep working on some things. After that, I started pulling away. I would self-medicate my insecurities with weed and isolate myself from friends and family. It was really hard, but I grew used to it to the point where it felt normal. That really pushed her away a lot and towards the end we only saw each other a couple times a week and on the weekends. She just had so many friends that it was overwhelming to me to try and fit in. I should have been strong enough emotionally to pull away myself, but I wasn't and I allowed myself to continue to feel sorry for my self and expect something to change in our relationship. That change never happened. I continued to self-medicate and live in my insecurities. I grew uncomfortable that she wanted to go out drinking and dancing so much. Sometimes just dancing. I felt as if I was crushing her spirit and she may have felt the same way. I handled it terribly and was incredibly selfish in my actions. We had many talks along the way where she hinted that we had little in common and she really questioned what we were doing. I was always able to talk her out of a break up and things seemed fine afterwards. This happened a couple times. Then I decided to not talk her out of it anymore and just let it happen if she pushes again. Well she did and it happened. It's been really hard for over 3 months now. Only little contact within the first month then nothing since then. I quit smoking about two weeks after our break so I'm also dealing with losing that comfort. I also quit using dipping tobacco about a month after that. I feel like the loss of all of these things is creating some major chemical changes inside me that I'm having trouble dealing with. Anyone in a similar place?

[Wiseman2]

Great you quit the self-medicating. It sounds like there was some a attraction, but a total lifestyle and personality mismatch. Let's face it if you have to self-medicate to tolerate a relationship, it's best that it ended.

She still wanted to go out a lot and go dancing and stuff. I participated in a lot of it early on, but just found myself not being able to keep up. I would self-medicate my insecurities with weed and isolate myself from friends and family. I grew uncomfortable that she wanted to go out drinking and dancing so much. she hinted that we had little in common and she really questioned what we were doing.

[beast1125]

I totally agree, but why am I still hurting over this? I feel like I think about her obsessively still even though I was rarely happy towards the end of the relationship. It's a really weird feeling. I find myself constantly wondering what she is thinking and if she is dating anyone new. It feels somewhat unhealthy.

[reinventmyself]

Because when you numb yourself with substances you are numbing the process.

Now you find it still here waiting for you.

 

3 months out of 2 years isn't very long. There is one theory that the process if half the duration you were together.

Hang in there. . and be patient with yourself.

[parrot]

It's great that you have quit smoking and using tobacco. Have you replaced those activities with anything else? I've never dealt with any type of substance abuse or addictions, but I've always imagined that it would be difficult to quit anything cold turkey without replacing it with a healthier activity. I'm not really sure what that would be in your case, but I know that after my breakup it was good for me to explore new hobbies. The hobby thing is suggested a lot on these forums and I imagine it gets an eyeroll sometimes, but it doesn't have to be anything major. For example, I quit using all forms of social media after my breakup (and I still think it's one of best things I did for myself) but I needed to replace it with something when I had the urge to grab my phone and browse. I downloaded the Duolingo app and took 15-minute Spanish lessons each day when I had the urge to play on my phone. That honestly made it a lot easier to transition away from opening up Facebook or Instagram (and after 10 months I still don't use either one).

 

All of the pain you are feeling following this breakup is completely normal, so please be patient with yourself. For what it's worth, it sounds like there was a compatibility issue from the beginning, and it would have ended sooner or later anyway. Trust that there is someone else out there whose preferred activities are more in line with yours and who you will be happy with. Don't be in any rush to find her, though. Take it from someone who has been through hell and back following a breakup - focusing on yourself (as cliche as it sounds) is absolutely the best thing you can do right now.

[beast1125]

It's great that you have quit smoking and using tobacco. Have you replaced those activities with anything else? I've never dealt with any type of substance abuse or addictions, but I've always imagined that it would be difficult to quit anything cold turkey without replacing it with a healthier activity. I'm not really sure what that would be in your case, but I know that after my breakup it was good for me to explore new hobbies. The hobby thing is suggested a lot on these forums and I imagine it gets an eyeroll sometimes, but it doesn't have to be anything major. For example, I quit using all forms of social media after my breakup (and I still think it's one of best things I did for myself) but I needed to replace it with something when I had the urge to grab my phone and browse. I downloaded the Duolingo app and took 15-minute Spanish lessons each day when I had the urge to play on my phone. That honestly made it a lot easier to transition away from opening up Facebook or Instagram (and after 10 months I still don't use either one).

 

All of the pain you are feeling following this breakup is completely normal, so please be patient with yourself. For what it's worth, it sounds like there was a compatibility issue from the beginning, and it would have ended sooner or later anyway. Trust that there is someone else out there whose preferred activities are more in line with yours and who you will be happy with. Don't be in any rush to find her, though. Take it from someone who has been through hell and back following a breakup - focusing on yourself (as cliche as it sounds) is absolutely the best thing you can do right now.

 

Thanks for that, your absolutely right. I also think there is a lot of truth to being numb throughout most of the process. I didn't allow my heart, body, and mind to feel the emotions that I should have felt during the relationship. I always just turned to a comfortable substance to numb it out. It begs the question, why did I choose to do that though? After having been removed from substance use for a couple months now (November 12 for MJ and December 12 for tobacco), it's pretty hard to rationalize what I was doing to myself in our relationship. I wonder why she stayed around as long as she did because I was completely emotionally distant from her and I wasn't hiding any of it. Maybe some of these questions will get answered in the future. Maybe we will reconnect at some point and discuss some of it. Who knows? All I can do is take it one day at a time and continue to focus on my own healing.

[ShatteredMan]

If I had not been serious about working out everyday to keep my mind straight, I might have turned to drinking. In fact, I stopped drinking for 4 months straight because I found more solace in picking up some weights or doing some cardio. When I was coming unglued, I'd turn to prayer and then get on the gear and went to the gym. Sometime it would be at 11pm at night and I just couldn't fall asleep because I would be dwelling on my ex....

 

Ironically, I met some nice ladies at the gym/park and increased my social circle as a downstream effect. One I met, was in a similar state. As much as she wanted to hook up, I refused because I knew it would be nothing real and we would just be using each other which would impede our healing from our respective breakups. I didn't want a rebound at the time and now we're good friends. She had a tough one too, got some therapy and ironically, just met a really cool guy who is really into her.

 

Beast: I applaud you for putting that garbage away. Pickup something else that makes you better than you were yesterday....weights, guitar, books, running....whatever.

[beast1125]

If I had not been serious about working out everyday to keep my mind straight, I might have turned to drinking. In fact, I stopped drinking for 4 months straight because I found more solace in picking up some weights or doing some cardio. When I was coming unglued, I'd turn to prayer and then get on the gear and went to the gym. Sometime it would be at 11pm at night and I just couldn't fall asleep because I would be dwelling on my ex....

 

Ironically, I met some nice ladies at the gym/park and increased my social circle as a downstream effect. One I met, was in a similar state. As much as she wanted to hook up, I refused because I knew it would be nothing real and we would just be using each other which would impede our healing from our respective breakups. I didn't want a rebound at the time and now we're good friends. She had a tough one too, got some therapy and ironically, just met a really cool guy who is really into her.

 

Beast: I applaud you for putting that garbage away. Pickup something else that makes you better than you were yesterday....weights, guitar, books, running....whatever.

 

I workout pretty regularly. I have my whole life. Not lately the last couple weeks because I've been sick. I'm in good shape though as I lift pretty regularly. I have been reading a lot, but I did that in my relationship as well. I'm just trying not to do things that isolate me from other people because it's relationships with others that will ultimately heal me from this one. There is a healthy and an unhealthy amount of alone time. During my relationship, I was isolating myself from others and dealing with my emotional stress internally as opposed to spreading it around to family and close friends. When it was over and I was at my end, I had no one because I had alienated everyone and severed my relationships with long time friends throughout the years. I'm different now and my whole approach to each day is much different. I still have bad days and even series of bad days, but it always gets better. Down the road, when I'm more healthy and healed, I hope to be able to part ways with some of what I've learned throughout my healing process. Until then for me it's just one day at a time.