It's Finally and Unfortunately Over

[RainyCoast]

As for counseling, what kind of counselor can I go to? I just recently went to one for help with abandonment issues and jealousy but speaking mantras to myself as recommended didn't cure the underlying problem I guess because here I am now crying because I'm being abandoned again. I am 100% positive that I have abandonment issues but I'm not sure exactly what kind of counselor to go to. This guy was a psychologist. I thought he'd be the perfect one. He did help me with my jealousy though. It's still there, but I know how to control it.

yes i hate parroting "mantras" too, it doesn't work. usually though you have to keep seeing them for a while to notice lasting shifts. if he has helped with your jealousy maybe he's worth seeing again. DBT is great for both abandonment issues and dramatic relationships, although i haven't personally done it. it has a high success rate on borderlines though, so it's supposed to be very helpful with similar traits. REBT is one of my favorite approaches and it is very easy to learn and use safely on one self. schema therapy, if you feel you always relate to people the same way because of the fear of abandonment.

 

talk about it a lot. even if it's just on here (a support group might help too). the thing with "parroting positive claims" is it's meant as ego-strengthening, but that only works when you haven't grown with an inner fake persona, a deep conviction of being globally bad somehow. usually one can't strengthen their self-esteem quite well until they have deconstructed or "purged" a vicious introject that convinces them they're bad, and that's where talking about it, questioning it, putting up this "badness" for scrutiny comes into play.

 

support groups for codependency might be well suited too, if there's one in your area.

[chattychica]

OP, I wonder if you have considered that and its role in your relationship -- particularly in considering whether it is/ was a good relationship for you (which is ultimately something for you to decide, of course).

 

Considering this thought, I can't determine exactly what I felt at the moment because I don't even remember punching him. But I do know that if he hit me, I'd be injured to say the least. I think he'd walk away before he ever hit me. But I know I didn't really hurt him. He joked about it afterwards.

[SooSad33]

I was in a semi-tumultuous relationship. There were one or two recurring problems that made it hard for us to be happy

- This says enough. You two are Toxic together.

 

Might I suggest you walk.. and keep walking. None of this is going to improve between you two.

 

And as mentioned.. some professional help.

[trinityp1990]

I think he is doing the right thing. This relationship seems really unhealthy and I think you should let him go... for both of your sake. Getting physically is never okay

[DancingFool]

You haven't been abandoned. You have failed to end a relationship that has been toxic and tumultuous because you are so afraid of being single. Except guess what? You are single right now and nothing has happened. The world didn't end, the sun still comes up in the morning, you still have friends, your landlord still wants his rent, you still need to go to classes/work, etc, etc, etc. Life continues.

 

As for counseling, it takes time and a lot of work and effort on your part for it to start working for you. If the particular approach is not working, express it. If the counselor doesn't change the approach, simply go to another one. You might need to keep seeking until you find one whose methods jive for you. The thing with counseling is that there are many different approaches and not all are going to be effective for a particular person. Changing your thought and behavior patterns can take a minimum of 1-2 years. However, all that work is worth it. Good luck to you. I think this break up is a blessing in disguise for you. It needed to happen and I hope you are able to look back and see it soon.

[chattychica]

It was toxic. Yes. It was toxic. But does no one believe in treatments and cures? I know I messed up big time, and for a minute I was unreasonably expecting forgiveness because I was drunk, but that would be like giving forgiveness for cheating while drunk: still unacceptable.

 

I agree that I needed to be broken up with because I can see in hindsight everything that went wrong. And with that picture, I feel like I can change the behaviors that I was doing wrong. Even though it was toxic, I feel like I could do so much with a second chance. I guess I just don't deserve it because I acted unreasonably in the end.