I shouldn't be feeling inadequate?

[Person1001]

Over the last couple of days I have been feeling down and that is due to me being rejected by the guy I love. I have been through a break up before, where I left my 1st love due to him not treating me well. I felt down, but this feeling is different. Pretty much he told me I'm an amazing person, but he doesn't want me. This hurts more then a harsh break up line. Why do I feel so inadequate? He always told me I was out of his league and I got the feeling he felt intimidated by me. I work a professional job and graduated from college. He is not in school or steadily employed, constantly broke and really lazy. I know he has self esteem issues.

[gebaird]

He is not in school or steadily employed, constantly broke and really lazy. I know he has self esteem issues

 

What attracted you to a guy like this in the first place, and why are you giving him permission to define you?

 

Everyone you know sees you differently. That's true for me, too. My mom sees me one way, my boss sees me another. My dog thinks I walk on water. I see myself a certain way, but I know even that perspective is skewed.

 

The point is, your boyfriend's opinion of you is just that -- his opinion of you. He's letting you go because of his issues, not yours. He's simply projecting his low self-esteem onto you.

 

The truth about you is so much deeper and richer than a single person's perspective.

 

Don't accept his skewed view of you as the truth. Don't accept your own (currently) skewed view of yourself as the truth. Instead, get curious about discovering who you really are; commit to spending the rest of your life discovering your multi-faceted beauty.

[Person1001]

What attracted you to a guy like this in the first place, and why are you giving him permission to define you?

 

Everyone you know sees you differently. That's true for me, too. My mom sees me one way, my boss sees me another. My dog thinks I walk on water. I see myself a certain way, but I know even that perspective is skewed.

 

The point is, your boyfriend's opinion of you is just that -- his opinion of you. He's letting you go because of his issues, not yours. He's simply projecting his low self-esteem onto you.

 

The truth about you is so much deeper and richer than a single person's perspective.

 

Don't accept his skewed view of you as the truth. Don't accept your own (currently) skewed view of yourself as the truth. Instead, get curious about discovering who you really are; commit to spending the rest of your life discovering your multi-faceted beauty.

 

I guess his kindness attracted me, he never pressured me sexually and always spoke to me w/his gentle voice. May sound corny, but I felt something valuable in him even though others (including people close to me) kind of seen him as an aimless person. Its hard to define myself and I guess I ask myself the question if I'm so amazing why the hell do not want me?

[Matt3939]

This is one person's point of view. There are a lot of people out there. The one that matters right now is you.

[catfeeder]

I guess his kindness attracted me, he never pressured me sexually and always spoke to me w/his gentle voice. May sound corny, but I felt something valuable in him even though others (including people close to me) kind of seen him as an aimless person. Its hard to define myself and I guess I ask myself the question if I'm so amazing why the hell do not want me?

 

We each have unique value, but we also have a unique lens through which we view others and the world. So most people do NOT possess the vision to see our value, and this speaks of their limits rather than of any deficiency in us.

 

Most people are not our match. With millions of people in the world, those are just the odds rather than a reflection on us. Think of singles as walking around with a puzzle piece, trying to find a match with others. Most simply don't fit, and that doesn't speak badly of either person, but if you try to force a fit, it will harm the whole outcome of your puzzle.

 

If you can grasp how many puzzle pieces you've tried to match from a box of say, 500 or 1,000, and how difficult that can be, you can grasp why it can take a lifetime to match one person out of millions. This liberates you from viewing bad matches as some inadequacy in you, and it frees you to relax and just be yourself as you allow wrong matches to pass early. You're seeking the needle in the haystack, not trying to convert a bad match into a good one. That doesn't work.

 

Love is rare. It's supposed to be rare, or what would be so special about it?

 

Head high, and you'll thank yourself later for building yourself UP today.

[j.man]

You're not inadequate. You simply need to protect your emotions and not spend however many months trying to jam a square peg into a round hole. The guy was younger, still figuring his stuff out, and didn't want to be tethered to Skype. You made numerous threads regarding your communication styles not matching up. I think your recent threat to break up woke him up to the fact that might actually be the best idea for both of you and he carried through with what you weren't willing to.

 

I'd likewise encourage you to spend some time being single. It's good to take some time off when you catch yourself settling.

[Person1001]

You're not inadequate. You simply need to protect your emotions and not spend however many months trying to jam a square peg into a round hole. The guy was younger, still figuring his stuff out, and didn't want to be tethered to Skype. You made numerous threads regarding your communication styles not matching up. I think your recent threat to break up woke him up to the fact that might actually be the best idea for both of you and he carried through with what you weren't willing to.

 

I'd likewise encourage you to spend some time being single. It's good to take some time off when you catch yourself settling.

 

Could he just be selfless and feel like he is holding me back? When we 1st started dating he was impressed abd proud of everything i had accomplished. He always said I was out of his league and how genuine of a person I am. Im not asking cause I want him back, just wondering if his reasoning could be truthful, he was never sex driven, nor did he use me for anything.

[catfeeder]

Could he just be selfless and feel like he is holding me back? When we 1st started dating he was impressed abd proud of everything i had accomplished. He always said I was out of his league and how genuine of a person I am. Im not asking cause I want him back, just wondering if his reasoning could be truthful, he was never sex driven, nor did he use me for anything.

 

If it would be helpful in your healing to believe that, then why not run with it? The thing about exes is that they're not around anymore to correct our assumptions. The only misuse of a good myth is to use it as a premise for reaching out to attempt contact. That would be foolish and ill advised.

 

You get to decide whatever you want to believe about a breakup or an ex. I've always told myself that if the two of us were ever a 'meant-to-be' deal, then we'll both meet again on higher ground someday--but we'll both need to grow to that place on our own. This has kept me motivated to reach my own version of higher ground by focusing on building my family ties, my friendships, my career, my interests. Well, given some time in that focus (as opposed to ruminating) guess what happens? The ex magically becomes less and less relevant while I become more and more important. That's the place to go if you want to move past the pain.

 

Head high, you can do this.