Man-child, emotional manipulator, or something else?

[FluffyKate]

Hello everyone, and apologies for the long post. I tried to include as many details as possible.

 

So, I was dating a guy for 6 months, and things were going pretty well - we were getting closer and closer, made plans together, kept in touch all the time (different towns), etc.

Now, I usually know when to give up on someone, but his confusing behavior is driving me mad.

 

On one hand, he can be a very sweet, polite, and caring person. He was making effots to see me even when his financial situation wasn't good (which I appreciated immensely), and he didn't seem scared or ashamed to show affection. Heck, I hate phone calls, but I actually liked talking with him on the phone, sometimes even for an hour, and we always had interesting topics to discuss (no baby talk or lovey-dovey stuff.) He told me he'd fallen in love with me, and was even making some plans for the future. Baby steps, but I can't say I didn't like it. It seemed very mature to me.

On the other hand, he's pretty f***ed up when he's drunk, for one. He doesn't drink often and it's nothing violent, but he says a lot of stupid things, then calls me at 5 a.m. or doesn't call at all from... say Saturday till Sunday evening. He told me he wanted to change that, and asked for my help/insight, but then was being all defensive whenever I pointed out that he's almost 27 and should not behave like a 12 year old.

Also, he usually backs off when it comes to more serious conversations (like the one above), and it's kind of frustrating.

Finally, I didn't like it when he was telling me about his previous sexual experiences, or just how wanted he is. It's a douchebag-y thing to do.

1. Discussing your love life is one thing - it helps you understand the person's turn offs, but talking about your sexual life in such detail is just plain disrespectful. It felt like he was trying to say "Women want me, and I can have whomever I want, so you better do your best to chase me and keep me interested."

2. It's in the past, and sex is a very personal thing, so I really don't wanna know that you f***ed your ex-boss and teacher, unless it involves STDs or a child.

He does have some sexual problems, so I tried my best to understand that maybe he was trying to prove himself to himself.

 

 

Now, he was supposed to spend NYE with my friends and I, but canceled two days before that for no reason other than his lack of money... and then he was gone for two days, probably celebrating with his friends. It would've been fine with me if he'd just told me he had other plans.

Change in feelings? I don't know... just that day he was telling me how meeting me was one of the best things that had happened to him and stuff.

Naturally, I was kind of mad and didn't speak to him for a few days after that (he made no efforts to contact me during that period either), and then I wrote to him, and we started communicating normally again, up until a few days later when he got drunk again and told me something like "I'm a jerk, I don't know how you're keeping up with me. I was so sad that I couldn't be with you on NYE, I got stoned and slept with the first person I found."

It hurt me badly, so I hung up and then texted him asking why, but he was behaving like it was not a big deal, and even went off/fell asleep, so I unfriended him in a fit of rage and hurt.

The next morning he apologized and swore on his only brother that nothing had happened, and that he'd said that to make me confess that I was dating someone else, which made me mad, so I said that I was, in fact, seeing another person, and even sent him a screenshot (an old one, though) from a convo with my ex as proof (not my proudest moment, but I told him the truth later). It's not the first time for him to say something like that, and since I never gave him any reason to doubt me (at least not intentionally), and I was not really seeing anyone else, I assumed he's still carrying the scars and fears from his previous relationships. Also, he kept telling me stuff like "Well, I don't care. You were never officially my girlfriend anyway!" and "Was I that unworthy? I thought I was going to marry you one day!" So... ?

He was more mad that I'd unfriended him (sadly, I didn't know Facebook had such a huge impact on people's lives and egos) and avoided talking to me, so I called him and asked to solve the problem, to which he replied "Let me sleep. Don't talk to me if you don't like my behavior", and left my text message on seen the next morning, so I assumed he didn't want me to bother him anymore. It's been almost a month now and we haven't spoken since.

At least I need some closure, and I want to hear his side, but my anxiety would kill me if I were to initiate contact once again. So, now what?

What could've caused that? Was I being too pushy and or/immature, is he a man-child, or is something else the problem?

My friends are always taking my side, saying he's the immature one, maybe even an emotional manipulator, so I need a neutral view.

Thanks a bunch in advance!

[SooSad33]

I have to say.. NEVER try to make someone else jealous. That always backfires!

 

So- that reaction of yours did not help....

 

and as for HIM? Yes... he's got issue's.. and was trying to Manipulate. Also acting very selfish & immature.

 

I suggest you work on accepting this guy is NOT for you. He's got some growing up to do- which he'll likely never accomplish in order to have a successful relationship.

 

And re: marriage crap? Whatever to that! ( Highly doubt you two would ever have gotten that far...).

 

Life is a learning experience. Chalk this down to that... live & learn.

 

Now.. walk from this.. and keep walking. he is NOT worth it.

[ParisPaulette]

Can I just tell you something? The most manipulative people can be extremely sweet, charming even to the point they will win massive points on every front. When they want something from you, that is.

 

Trouble is they can't keep up that charming, sweet act and you will start to see more and more cracks, which is exactly what happened with this guy. It wasn't that he's Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, he's always Mr. Hyde, it's just he knows Dr. Jekyl is who he needs to be when he wants something.

 

Do you really want to put time and effort into being with someone who is only nice to you when they want to be, who can turn on you in a heartbeat.

 

P.S. He has a serious drinking problem walking it's way towards alcoholism if it's not already there. I say that because a) he asked you for help, meaning he recognized he is out of control and b) he's not really serious about the drinking and instead has made it your problem to get him to stop drinking - thereby rendering himself free of any responsibility and slotting you into the role of bad guy/Mommy won't let me drunkums when I want, she is sooooo mean!

 

Run, do not walk, to the exit. Man child doesn't begin to cover this one, he's an alcoholic who desperately wants to pin that blame elsewhere instead of just handle it on his own, and you know not get drunk and say or do terrible things. What a concept, aye? What a responsible adult thing that would be, but instead he opts for emotional manipulation.

 

That's not even covering the sliminess of boasting about the sexual activity he has "graced" other women with. (Yes, total sarcasm there.)

 

If you take this one back, expect more and worse. It's all you're ever going to get. And maybe learn that charming and sweet don't mean anything if they can't maintain that and really be that, which he can't. He has shown you over and over again who he really is. I think the larger question is to ask yourself why you think you're the woman that deserves a partner like that.

[Inner Fire]

He's childish, a manipulator, and quite possibly a narcissist. Definitely forget this guy and move on.

[FluffyKate]

It's always helpful to read others' thoughts when your own judgement is clouded. Thanks!

I am disappointed that he's not who I thought he was, and that's what's keeping me restless, but getting back with him is definitely out of the question. I just thought that maybe I should be the grown-up person and ask for closure, but since that might open another endless circle of blame shifting, ignoring, or/and acting the victim, I guess some chapters are best left unfinished.

[SooSad33]

It's always helpful to read others' thoughts when your own judgement is clouded. Thanks!

I am disappointed that he's not who I thought he was, and that's what's keeping me restless, but getting back with him is definitely out of the question. I just thought that maybe I should be the grown-up person and ask for closure, but since that might open another endless circle of blame shifting, ignoring, or/and acting the victim, I guess some chapters are best left unfinished.

 

-That's right. Expect nothing more.

Just know he's a worm.. and you do not want this in your life anymore.

 

Get away & stay away. Do NOT give into him.. no matter what.

Narc's are awful!

 

 

tc