Boyfriend broke up with me after six years

[SammiJo1215]

I dated my boyfriend for six years. Two years ago he broke up with me saying he needed to see what else was out there and so on. Of course, I was crushed for months and then 6 months later he decided I was the one for him and we got back together. We dated for another two years, lived together, and even bought a dog together.

There has been a lot of tension lately because he lost a job a year ago and was never able to find the "right" job for him since. Unfortunately, we had to suck up our pride and move in with my mother for a bit to save money. He has been very depressed and it has escalated. I see him going in a downward spiral. He had to suck it up and work as a waitor so living with my mother and working as a waitor really made him have a bad self esteem. I constantly tried to keep his spirits up and motivate him by doing sweet things. Sometimes he seemed to appreciate it, another times he didn't seem grateful.

A week ago he confronted me saying he hated himself and hated his life and that he needed to be alone, saying he had no choice but to break up with me. I was devasted that this was happening to me again!!! I trusted him with my whole heart for two years and we had been making plans to get engaged after he got a job! Then he started saying that he loved me but he wasn't "in love" with me and that he didn't care for me the way I cared for him, and that he saw no future. Of course I made him leave that night and the next day he came and moved out!! He cried briefly while moving out but was also very cold and rude. I got the feeling he was trying to make me hate him. He said he never wanted to talk to me again because it would be too hard on ME! Since then, we haven't talked at all and said our final goodbyes that last day. It was the worst day of my life!

I am an absolute mess! I cannot eat or sleep. I go to bed crying and wake up crying. I just lost my best friend of 6 years so quickly all in one day! I feel as though I lost everything I have, including my identity. I miss him so much! I don't know what to do, how to handle this, or even how to move on. I feel absolutely paralized and lost. Please help me and give me your honest advice! Feel free to ask me questions!

[romantic sweetheart]

My dear, I feel so much for you. Oh, know so deeply this awful pain, the deep cutting wounds of love. I am so sorry this has happened. A couple of years ago I was with someone who I loved very much. But like your boyfriend, he was quite depressed and struggling with his finances. And like you, I tried eveyhting in my power to strengthen him, to alleviate some of his burdens, to be a cheer to his life.

 

The truth is, our love would have been this healing force if they had been ready for it...but they weren't. When a man is hurting, he often copes in different ways then we women do. For one thing, I noticed that my then boyfriend would withdraw, not reaching out to anyone, even me. It appears that your boyfriend is doing something similar....suddenly pulling away from you, turning cold, cutting off all ties so abruptly.

 

This isn't your fault, dear. This is a symptom of something that has been brewing for a long time now. Your boyfriend has some things to ponder right now....a lot to clear in his head. He is afraid, he is confused, he is seeking a sort of escape. And to our dismay, men often leave us behind in the process.

 

Since you have been together during these young years, the often-confusing years of the teens to the early 20's, I would say that there have been some powerful shifts in life events, feelings, thoughts, etc., and sometimes people feel as though after all that, they must drift off alone, sorting everything out ina solitary state. This culture is a difficult backdrop for some of our most important experiences....people's views of relationships are sometimes unclear...everyone has a different timetable...Perhaps our grandparents were fortunate that in their time, our society encouraged and aided young folks in getting together (dances, special social events) and getting married....permanancy was a valued ideal....now, it appears that togetherness is fleeting.....It is acceptable to leave others to "find yourself"......first marriages are usually "practise marriages" etc. It's tough these days...especially for us souls who want and beleiev in those ideals that keep folks together...through the thick and thin.

 

Right now you must be feeling so lost and hurt...You were there for your boyfirend for so long...through all the pain, through all the highs, through every little up and down...birthdays, holidays, special pets, jokes you shared, sweet terms of endearment, late night phone calls, cuddling on the couch, dinners, crying together, afternoon naps...to have this all ripped away in an instance...the shock is unbearable.

 

I know...I have felt this icy, unbelievable pain. There is no quick relief....and we are down on our knees...sobbing in our hands.

 

You are right to come here.,...to ask for help...because this is the time we need one another the most. Love is crucial to our lives....and yes, to our identities. We form ourslves with others...that is the bature of our souls..because no one lives in a vaccuum. We are intertwined, and when the one we love walks away, we crumble.

 

It is going to be all right....because love contnues to need and want...and to seek its completion right within our hearts. But right now, I know that nothing seems to lesson the heavy grief.....

 

It's a process...and the soul must wade through the turmoil to find peace again.

 

I know for a fact that this will not be the last time you speak with your boyfriend. Things tend to be very dramatic at the start...and we say things that sound very final. But I can assure you you will speak again...to find closure, to find peace. It will happen. Every storm in life eventually calms......it is just a matter of time. Everything is going to be all right--I know I need people to tell me that from time to time. I really do..so now I will tell you...it is going to be all right. I promise. The pain will ease....life is going to have you in its arms...you will be soothed.....Love is going to find you again.

 

For now, it is the time to reflect and mourn and call upon others to help you. And we will be here.

 

Please right again...tell us about this event...about the things you shared...about your feelings now...we will listen to you and offer our insight. I am always on this forum...I want to help. Write anytime.

 

Bless you.......always...

[annie24]

Hi - Welcome here. I'm so sorry to hear about this. It sounds like you're going through a really tough time. I guess all you can say to yourself is that what is happening is most likely for the best. It doesn't seem like it right now, but good things will come one day...

 

In the meantime, you gotta keep busy! Go the the gym, hang out with friends, watch funny movies, clean something, do your taxes, take up a new hobby, do some yoga, etc etc etc... Oh yeah... and get a puppy! The puppy will make you feel happier, and will force you out of the house to take him on walks!!! Things are difficult now, but I promise, every passing day, things will get a little easier. But, since you two were together for a while, it will take a while to truly get over him.

 

Take care!!!

[Hope75]

Hey Sammi,

 

Ugh. Been there. After two years of living with my bf and we got a dog together, he broke up with me in Nov. It's awful.

 

(we are back together now and trying, but I don't live with him.)

 

There isn't much anyone can say to help you get through this, the hard, painful truth is that it takes time, and for awhile you will not sleep, not eat, not feel much like doing anything. Go ahead and feel the grief. Just don't let it paralyze you for too long.

 

Take a nice warm bath, read a good book, have some wine, cry on the phone to your friends, post here, and do what you can to stay busy. With time it will dull, trust in that, even if it doesn't feel like it now.

 

Best of luck.

[annie24]

This isn't your fault, dear. This is a symptom of something that has been brewing for a long time now. Your boyfriend has some things to ponder right now....a lot to clear in his head. He is afraid, he is confused, he is seeking a sort of escape. And to our dismay, men often leave us behind in the process.

 

So true...

 

Oops! You already have a dog! You don't need to get a puppy then!

 

Hope is right - it will take a while, go ahead and wallow for a little bit, but not too long!!! The sadness is part of the process...

[justagirl20f]

Well, you were practically a BABY when you met him anyway, so how do you know you're best for one another?! Maybe try dating someone new?

 

You have probably spent your entire dating life with ONE GUY and now that you find yourself single I personally think it's the best thing that will ever happen to you... Well, second best thing. The best thing that will ever happen to you will be meeting the one that being single today has freed you up for.

 

Seriously, you can't honestly think this is good or healthy. It's one thing to be sexual partners with just one man in your life, but quite a different thing to be dating just one man from the time you get out of diapers... a bit of an exaggeration, I know... But if I interpret your timeline correctly, you were about 15 when you met him, but you definitely weren't more than 17, it wasn't clear, and either way that's a BABY in terms of your dating life...

 

Of course he wants to break up with you! Unless he's VERY much older than you, he hasn't had a chance to date either. This is perfectly natural. It's what is supposed to happen all through high school and very often all through college. Unfortunately, you've missed the experience while you were young and you're facing it now. The good news is, even after wasting 6 years, you're STILL very much a young girl. You'll find someone a million times better soon enough...

 

The first guy you date isn't necessarily the one who was made for you, you know.

 

Edited to add:

 

Quite possibly the reason you lost him anyway was because you lost your entire identity to him. Learn from this, so next time you maintain YOURSELF as you get to know and love your partner. Most girls learn this the first time they have their heart broken, and it's an important lesson. Unfortunately, this probably IS the first time you're getting your heart broken.

 

Basically, if you haven't really noticed yet, I don't think that this break up was the sad part of this relationship... The fact that you guys raised one another is. You really got cheated out of some of life's most important lessons, including not losing yourself to your guy (you can love without losing the "you" and, as you now know, it will cost you the relationship 9 times out of 10) and you also honestly, sorry to say, don't know what it's like to DATE... You think this guy was your world. Maybe the next guy will make this one look like nothing.

 

Lastly, while you think he was so meant for you and now you're hurt and devastated, the fact remains he broke up with you which means he wasn't that into you, which means you deserve and can do better.

 

take care!

[annie24]

Well... that's one point of view...

 

But, i know lots of people who were high school sweethearts and are still happily married. Like my boss! she and her hubby got married when they were 19 - they are 39 now, and still very happy.

 

It happens, but not always...

[SammiJo1215]

Well look here little girl of all 20 years old, I am 23 years old and yes, we did meet when we were young, I was 17 and he was 19. We dated for three years and then broke up for 7 months for the whole reason you are complaining about. Yes I dated many other guys while broke up and he did as well. Also, to assume I did not date before is a misunderstanding you are quick to assume. I have dated guys and have had many life experiences to learn from.

 

If you get nothing from what I am saying understand this: There is NO magic formula that you have to date a certain number of guys before meeting the "right" guy. I have met and know many couples who met in high school and are still happily married.

 

No matter what happens from here on out I would never felt I wasted six year of my life with him. I had an awesome best friend throughout that whole time.

 

If he dated me for six years then sometime in that time frame he WAS in to me and you should really avoid using mainstream lines from books. It makes you sound fake and immature.

 

Lastly, I did NOT come to this website to be attacked, I came here for support. Thank you to everyone else who has given me supportive and constructive advice.

[justagirl20f]

>

 

Actually, I'm not 20 years old... Obviously I wouldn't have commented on your age if I was. Mistakes like that come with using things like that in user names... They don't change as time goes on. I used my e-mail so I wouldn't forget my login, that's all.

 

>

 

Not complaining about anything, darling. You're the one with a problem, not me. Actually, I feel I was very positive and the post I gave you was PRECISELY the advice I needed to get me out of the rut you're in now. I don't reply to many posts on this forum. I stick to posts I have a personal experience to write from. I was where you are now, feeling the way you feel now, and it was my best friend who said to me the same things I said to you that made me go "jeez you're right!" and I never made the same mistakes again, and I'm so glad things worked out the way they did. One day, you will be too.

 

>

 

Your age, minus the years you spent with him, minus the years you were a toddler do NOT leave time for "many experiences" and that isn't an assumption it is a FACT. It's math. Unless you count the guys you dated at recess in kindergarten. But listen, it's not a BAD thing that this was the way your life was. You missed out on a lot and you got yourself into a horrible predicament which you're paying for now... But you also learned a lot about how to love and long-term relationship dynamics. Actually, it's a valuable lesson you're just learning these things out of order, you know?

 

Usually you learn about heartbreak first then long-term relationship dynamics... My heart breaks for you because you are getting the short end of this stick. I think everyone hopes that by the time they have the type of relationship you just lost, they are going to have it forever. I'm sorry that isn't the way it worked out for you.

 

>

 

Nope, no magic formula. But there are certain life experiences you need before a relationship like this is viable. Some people are practically born with the ability to maintain their identity while they date, even when they're completely in love. My boyfriend, actually, is like that. I'm more like you in the way I love with all my heart. I learned the hard way not to lose my sense of self, and I learned EXACTLY the way you're learning now. Believe me, the devastation you feel, the loss of your identity (your words, not mine) is something people like us go through and it WILL get better because next time you WILL love differently.

 

>

 

It's great you can say that. I hope one day you might be friends again, maybe when you're over him and happily moved on. I'd just be afraid of letting him back in my life now, because he's already demonstrated twice that he isn't in love with me. So I hope for your sake you don't try and make a friendship work until you're able to keep it as just that.

 

>

 

I was using that line long before the book ever existed. But have you read it? It's a good book never the less. I'm nothing close to fake (I post more honestly than many people on this board) and I'm mature enough to be able to post from the standpoint of being OUT of the rut you're currently in. Imagine this situation as a valley... You're at the bottom right now because that's where he left you. I'm at the top, and I've just posted to you my directions for getting yourself out of the valley.

 

Sometimes the things people say to you will hurt. But instead of getting defensive and angry, consider that they're posting from the experiences they've had and the advice they were given that helped them.

 

Believe me, I don't waste my time picking on posters, just posting information I hope they can use. Some people like sugar-coated flowery "supportive" comments but honestly everyone here can tell you a million times how bad they feel for you... I'm saying yeah, I feel bad for you, but you WILL get over it and you will learn from it. So keep your chin up, soldier, and in time, when you're out of this rut and where you deserve to be, you will understand the post I made to you, and one day you might post something similar to someone else.

 

I hope you do, because then you'll be where I am now and it is wonderful. There's a song that goes "sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers..." and one day you will. There's also another song that goes "every long lost dream lead me to where you are, and others that broke my heart, they were like northern stars, pointing me on my way into your loving arms..." (and tuck that lyric away so that one day when you feel love for the one you're meant to be with, you can really honestly feel it)

 

>

 

I didn't attack you. And you will find that, while maybe not as supportive as you like, my advice will be some of the most useful and constructive you receive.

 

Of course, if all you wanted was "I feel bad for you, he's a jerk, and you deserve better" I could have done that too. But what helped me was what I passed on to you.

 

You're mad now, but one day you will understand. Hate me all you like, but just the same I wish you the best of luck. You know why? The only thing I hate worse than a guy who mistreats his girl is a girl that mistreats her guy. You've already proved you love deeply and for the long term... One day, you will meet a guy who deserves it. I sincerely hope it's soon.

 

BFN.

[melrich]

Lol...OK Sammijo you've been told!...no seriously of course the last 6 years of your life have not been wasted and you are right to be be grieving what sounds like in the main a great relationship.

 

Unfortunately I don't think anything we can say to you here is going to make you feel any better right at the moment. It is the usual same old stuff..look after yourself, maintain your dignity, take the time to go through the break up process etc.

 

Keep posting here and let us know how you are going...it will help you

[ladyc]

I'm always impressed with justagirl's posts! I always read them, and always agree with her well-articulated advice. And, just like now, can't think of anything else to add because she said it all

[janaury storms]

I would like to say something to sammijo and justagirl. When times get rough and you are hurting so bad like this, the things that are said and the way they are said are what is important. i understand justagirl's point of view, and the advice may even be sound advice (which i am sure it is) but sammijo had the heartbreak of a lifetime only one week ago. i can see where she would feel attacked and maybe even belittled, just by the wordage used in your post. no 23 year old woman wants to feel like a baby, and like her relationship of SIX years was by any means less significant than anyone elses relationship. she is right, she did come here for support and advice. my heart breaks for her. obviously she is in a deep deep pain right now. i don't believe she is here to hear "he is a dog" or anything of the sorts... she has described him as her "best friend for six years" perhaps she is just looking for a "the pain will heal... in time."

 

Sammijo's post to me sounded like a reach out for reassurance that she would be okay, that the pain would lessen... not for a "this is the best thing that could have ever happened to you" Even if that is the truth... after one week, there is no way she could even begin to think this way yet. You are right justagirl... in time she may see things your way. right now she just needs love and support.

 

Sammijo, feel free to pm me if you want. I am hear to listen...

[annie24]

I have two coworkers (one male, one female), both 22, who are getting married this summer to their respective high school sweethearts. Both have been with their S.O.'s for 6 years. From my perspective, even though they are young, their love seems true and deep. Some people just find their other half early in life. I have no doubt that both of them will be married to their spouses for the rest of their lives.

 

Anyways... I know you are going through a tough time - it's ok - please feel free to come here and spill your guts anytime. We'll listen! Take care!

[SammiJo1215]

Thank you for letting me know about your two coworkers. Believe it or not, it is nice to know that other people found their true love early and in high school. Even though he may not be the man I spend the rest of my life with, I know it WAS true love and he was my first love. I don't know what will ever come about with us but I do know that I never doubted my feelings for him and I now know for sure that it was true love.

[annie24]

Good - I'm glad you found some comfort. My boss, who also married her high school sweetheart, says that what really strengthens her marriage is their shared history. They have spent over half their lives together.

 

What is it with my workplace? LOL? I guess I missed the boat!!! well, someone has to have the funny/insane fist date stories to entertain the others...

[SammiJo1215]

Today is a really rough day because we used to play the silliest April Fool's jokes on each other. I just wish he'd pick up the phone and call me! I want to call him sooo bad! Talk me about this and remind me WHY I don't call him please!

 

My sister ran into him and got my spare car key and apartment key back from him. It bothered me that she got to see him, but not me. He was apparently very short with her and seemed okay. Why didn't he ask how I was doing???

 

Feeling desperate today!!

[annie24]

Don't call. Basically, unless he begs for your forgivness and says he wants you back, there's nothing he can say on the phone that will make you feel better.

 

Ok - say you call, you have a quick convo about, oh, how's stuff. Then, for the next 3 months, you'll be overanalyzing that convo, looking for ANY sign that he is in love with you. However, the only real sign would be him wanting to get back with you.

 

I'm sorry. Look, to try to crush the urge, think of the meanest thing he ever said to you. Or, about how he needs to "explore himself" which is why he can't be with you. (I've always felt like that is such as BS response). Trust me, calling him won't make you feel better in the long run.

 

Come on here, rent a movie, do something, anything to get your mind off of him. I understand, you were with him for so long, it's like a habit - calling him, playing jokes, but please, try to stay away from the phone.

 

good luck!

[rainy soul]

Hi Sammijo,

I have to agree with January Storms...I remember when I stumbled accross this site looking for support, looking for anything. I posted my story with tears in my eyes and feeling alittle awckward as I have never even chatted online let alone come to one of these forums...anyways I wore my heart on my sleeve and the first response I received said, "he's clearly over it, he's told you that much, you need to get over it too." I know how it feels to reach out to the world for a little support and feel like your arms get cut off.

 

As for calling him, don't do it. This is were the harsh reality of the breakup occurs...those little rituals the april fools joke, the saint patty's day beers this is where they all come to an abrupt halt. Yeah, valentines day was peachy! Anyways, by calling him your just letting him know loud and clear that you are still holding on. Even if you are that is your business. By contacting him your just welcoming more pain. He will not say what you want him to and any little word or slight disinterest in his voice is going to set you off and have you sitting there reanalyzing your conversation over and over...trust me! Worst yet, you might call to find out that he's not there leaving you to wonder where he is and who he's with!

 

When your feeling desperate instead of picking up the phone, sit down at your computer and start writting here...this is what I have had to do. Stay strong!

[SammiJo1215]

Thank you so much ladies for responding to me today. That means a lot to me that people actually read what I'm writing, this about it, and then try to help a complete stranger. Its so hard for me to be the one with the problem with my friends and family. I always want to be there for everyone else.

 

You both made such valid points on why not to call him and it made me really think and I did not call him!! I had the phone in my hand dialing the number, I read what you both wrote and I put down the phone! I just needed to hear it I guess. I think I will keep rereading both of those.

 

Rainy Soul, thanks for identifying with my situation of coming here for the first time. I have also never ever been on a chat room sight like this so it is weird for me to tell everything to a group of people who don't know me. However, one of my good friends did this when she and her boyfriend broke up and it helped her tremendously! I feel annoying Like you, I definintely wear my heart on my sleeve and I don't know if that's good or bad. Overall, I came here for support to get over him and do the right thing, not be to ridiculed and have it be thrown in my face.

[SammiJo1215]

I know its been awhile since I've written and I don't even know if anyone is still reading my story. I hope so! If anyone is out there please respond with some advise.

 

It's been three weeks and I'm still not sleeping, having nightmares, and can't quit thinking of him as this great guy. I feel like I will never find anyone as great as him and I just miss him soooo much it hurts my stomach (literally) Lately I've been driving to the restrauant he works at and sit outside near his car and just sob. I want to be close to him. Of course he doesn't know I haven't been there. We haven't talked since the day we broke up!!!

 

I am feeling stuck in my life right now. I'm scared to move on completely from him yet I don't want to stay dwelling on this either. I feel in limbo and don't know what to do. Why hasn't he called? I hear from others he is still quite depressed. My mom actually talked to him because before we broke up she is helping get him a job where she works so now he has an interview and she is meeting with him to help him. THAT'S HARD FOR ME!! She said he sounds so sad. If he is so damn sad why doesn't he just pick up the phone and call me!! Why push me away?!? Sad enough, I do have that small hope that if he gets a job he'll call me. I know, that is stupid.

 

I've been told that what I'm feeling and experiencing, he probably is too?? Does anyone believe that?

[alonegirl]

When reading your posts it was like reading my own. I too am 23 and my ex-boyfriend of 4 years just broke up with me two weeks ago. Told me he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore, wanted to go out whenever, he also told me he was not in love with me but that he loved me. We had been living together for 3 1/2 years and also have a dog together. Turns out in my situation he had met someone else at his work that I guess he decided was more important than the 4 years we had together (he never told me about her I found out myself) I have not heard from him and I have not called him and it is the worse feeling ever. I too wonder why hasn't he called, it makes me feel like he doesn't even care.

 

I can't sleep at night, I can't concentrate at work, I cry at the drop of a hat. I feel as though someone has a knive in my stomache and they just keep stabbing me with it. It is not stupid to think he will call you, sometimes I find myself staring at my phone hoping it will ring. Part of me doesn't want to move on but to keep feeling this way I don't think I can do it.

 

He probably is feeling the same way as you are you were a part of each other's life for 6 years. I know you're next thought is if he feels the same why doesn't he call me. You will drive yourself crazy with these questions believe me I do it to my self all day long. I just realized I'm probably not really helping you but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in what you are feeling right now.