Closure -- Death vs. Separation

[volution]

I don't wish to upset anyone who has lost a loved one through death (though, myself know 100% that death is most certainly not the end) ... but I've been wondering, if death brings more closure than separation. Particularly if the separation wasn't good.

 

With death - there is a fundamental finality, that the loved one is gone - and no more are they in this world.

 

With separation - I don't think there can ever be closure. It's impossible to stop thinking of them. They are still in this world, and perhaps they are having the time of their lives with someone else. Whilst you pine away in great abjection. You cannot ever stop thinking 'could have been', 'what if' etc. Regret consumes you in the beginning, and things in the world never totally look the same again. Part of your heart forever is lost.

 

I know that people do think 'what if' when a loved one dies, but death brings closure. It's totally insurmountable.

But if you split-up with someone, closure can rarely come. Yes, you can go on to other relationships etc., but part of you never can be reconciled, as in death.

It may take a longer time for someone to get over the death of a loved one, than a break-up, but I can't help but think that somehow you can 'accept' the death after a time, in a way you never can if you separate from someone.

At least if a loved one dies, you can look back at the good times with a fondness. I don't think you can really look back with fondness with someone you broke up with. Melancholy and regret will cloud your memories...

[melrich]

Having experienced both I would say that on a scale of 1 to 10, a break up rates about a 3 and death rates about 10+. I don't think there is any comparison between the two. Death of a loved one rips your heart out and it stays ripped out for the rest of your life.

[CarterJonas]

I'm with richgabe on this one, a breakup is by choice whereas a death isn't.

[tiger_lilies]

I read somewhere that a break up is like a death. It is the death of a relationship. But I understand where you're coming from.

 

I think that it's different for people who, for example, don't believe in an after-life. I.E. Back in my high-school days a close class mate died in a car accident. My close friend who was also in the same class (who is an atheist) is still having a hard time dealing with this loss and it's been almost 10 years now. She can't seem to accept this loss.

 

For me, being Catholic, I believe that the person has gone to a better place and is more happy now...call it blind faith or whatever, but the point is that I've accepted the death and can move on with my life feeling more comfort than my (atheist) friend.

 

A relationship that ends by choice hurts as much as a death would, but the constant wondering is what I call "Wishful Thinking Syndrome". This is not a technical term but one that I adopted off of the author of Savage Love (he has a column in the Georgia Straight newspaper).

 

"Wishful Thinking Syndrome" is compiled of What if's, should I call, could we be friends etc....this should all be stamped out in order to heal from all the wounds, as you would with death.

[rainy soul]

Hi vulotion,

I know how you feel, infact I have had this same thought myself, however I have to agree with the other posts and say that I don't really think that there is acceptance or that you get over the loss of a loved one. I guess the difference is that yes we have to watch our lost loves go on with their lives, lives that no longer include us. I've kind of looked at my ex like he has died. He is no longer the person that I loved and will never be and neither will I.

I was talking to a woman I work with the other day and I've selfishly revealed how horrible my breakup has been and so arrogantly said to her I hope you never have to experience this kind of pain. Anyways some how it came out that her mom died tragically a few years ago and as I watched the pain well up in her eyes I realized what an idot i have been. yes the pain of loosing my ex is horrible, but somewhere deep inside I know somewhere that I will find peace with this someday...i pray it wount take years. I will think of him in a few years and feel nothing. She will think of her mother in a few years and always feel a loss, a heartbreak. She even said to me that it never goes away and i could see that in her eyes, death is permenant and never changes or goes away. The pain of our heartbreak will someday go away and I can only say this because I have survived other heartbreaks and no matter how hard if I tried to feel that pain again I can't. Anyways, I do hear exactly what your saying but I know we will find peace, we have to find peace eventually so we can make room for other beautiful things to enter our hearts! Take care