Noob seeking help?

[IBM]

what should i do!

 

well here is the low down.

like i said before iam the jealouse type and that iam pretty insecure and lastly i have low selfesteem. i know its a pretty bad combo in a relationship built on trust but then again considering that this is my first and only relationship and iam already 24 and iam madly inlove with this girl, i just can't lose my baby!!

 

anyways, about my situation - my gf likes to chat online whenever she goes online especially latenights coz thats when she can actually go online coz of work and school. with that in mind, she mostly chats with guys online, guys that she doesn't know and guys that just msg her. so my problem is this... most of these so called guys she said are just guys that she happens to chat with online. iam like "fine" so she talks to them right and me being the jealouse type and all watches (she lets me btw) but this one time lastnight i saw this one guy (she talks to him almost everynight online and sometimes they exchange txt msg on their phones) said something along the lines of "come watch a movie with me, how come you don't ask me to eat out and lastly give me a kiss first then i will tell you" and all times my gf just didn't respond to his msg and just kept talking about random stuffs. prolly because she knows iam there. so i told her "this guy likes you and is hitting on you" in my head what the hell his practically trying to smooth talk his way in. but i kept it cool didn't let it bother me in front of her at least coz me and my gf had this talk before about this things online are not a big deal! (well to her at least, coz i don't even talk to other girls at all besides co-workers) btw this guy is local so he can easily visit my gf at work or you know make an effort to see her. iam going crazy here! i haven't been getting enought sleep at night coz i wait for her to sleep and she can stay up till 4-5am and i wake up at 7ish to got to be at work by 830. anyways to keep a long story short, what do i do with this/these guys online that hit on my gf. btw i asked her if these guys know that she is with me and she said "yes" but i wonder why are these guys talking like that to her and asking her for a kisses and such? i don't get it! what should i do? i need help! a real noobie in the relationship thingie!! sorry for the long post! please help anyone?

[gizza]

harsh as it may sound, i dont think these much you can do - except concerntrate on yerself , go to sleep early never helps the red hot pokers that come out in the middle of the night. concerntrate on building up yer own self esteem dont bother with jelousy , u cant keep tabs on her 24/7 and if you try to she will resent it think you trust her etc

 

really at the end of the day people always do want they want to not what their parnter wants them to do , and relationships based on fear & jelousy are no good for either parnter.

 

ive been through it both ways an ex of mine was so convinced i was seeing this other girl she would drive by work to see if we were still there etc... eventually we split because of other stuff & i never did go out with the so called other woman , in fact i saw my ex some years later & she could'nt believe i had'nt ...truth was i never fancied her

 

as i say done your side as well imagined all sorts was going on with other girl & i guy i sort of know eventually that went wrong as well- why because she said that had'nt had an affair but felt like i was watching her like a hawk !

 

so you see where iam coming from

 

she maybe anit as perfect as you think at 24 theres loads of life to see yet

 

just eat & sleep well your certinally not alone

 

be lucky !

hope all turns out for yer

[Iceman26]

1) You should know that guys rarely care if a girl if a girl is in a relationship or not, because more often than not, they are not looking for a relationship, know what I mean?

 

2) If they DID know she was in a relationship, don't you think they might try talking to someone else first who wasn't committed to anyone?

 

3) If she truly cared about you, she wouldnt be talking to other guys online; she would devote her time to the man she is with.

 

Was she talking to this guy before you were with her?

 

Are you giving her enough attention?

[IBM]

no they were not talking before.

 

and of course i give her lots and lots of attention.

 

 

 

btw, thanks for the posts!! but still i DON'T know what to do... is it a) just let if be and if anything should happen (good forbid) just pick up and leave. b) realize that this relationship or any other relationship is based on trust and that i should trust her and being jealouse would only do harm than good.

[Iceman26]

I dont think you should "let it be" at all. Your problem has nothing to do with your jealousy and insecurity, it has to do with your girlfriends lack of respect and common sense.

 

If she wants to converse with other men, she should be single. What the hell does she need to talk to a bunch of desperate losers online for? And why did she give another guy her phone number? I would have broken up with her for sure at that point if I were you.

[IBM]

I dont think you should "let it be" at all. Your problem has nothing to do with your jealousy and insecurity, it has to do with your girlfriends lack of respect and common sense.

 

If she wants to converse with other men, she should be single. What the hell does she need to talk to a bunch of desperate losers online for? And why did she give another guy her phone number? I would have broken up with her for sure at that point if I were you.

 

aren't you a little taking this over board now! leaving her is the last thing that i would wanna do. i love this girl!!!!

but you do have a point about why she finds the need to talk to other guys if she has me and about her giving them her number! but she claims that its not a big deal, she said its not like she likes them and stuffs. she also added that they are just talking thats all. also the trust things is questioned here again and if i hassel her about it then that means to her that i don't trust her.....?

 

honestly iam getting confussed here some ppl say this some ppl say that i just don't get it.

[Iceman26]

I understand you may love her man, but I speak from experience on these matters.

 

Ask yourself this question: Why would she give a man from the internet who doesnt know her and expresses affection towards her her phone number when she has a boyfriend?

 

Why does she need to talk to other guys at all? That is something a single woman should be doing, dont you think?

 

The advice I gave is what I would do, not necessarily what you will do, but then again, this is your first relationship and I have many, many experiences in cases just like this one.

[IBM]

should i at least confront her about this and re-state :

"that you are now with me, iam your bf and why do you feel the need to speak and talk to guys that you don't know and just happen to just talk online... a single person does this no a girl involve in a serious relationship."

 

but iam just worried that this would be about the trust thing again and that if i give her so much restrictions like this one then she will be more inclinded to do otherwise.. i think its just human nature to do what you are not suppose to do... also she will say that shes just talking with them and she said its not like shes going to meet them up or something. "just chatting"

 

just wondering iceman you said you had many relationship.. how long was the longest and how long was the last one? not that iam questioning your motives just wondering.

[Iceman26]

I would simply question about why she feels the need to talk to other guys, especially when she knows (or should know) that they aren't after a friendship. Tell her how it makes you feel. You aren't jealous, you aren't being shown respect by her behavior in talking with strange men while she is in a relationship. You wouldnt do that to her right?

 

Dude, you are right not to trust someone who acts like that. What are her motives for talking with other men? I think almost every guy I know would hate that and not tolerate that his girlfriend was on the internet talking to other guys and would move on to someone who acted like they were monogamous.

 

I have had many experiences with situations like this. My longest relationship was 2 1/2 years. My last relationship was almost 2 years. The last relationship ended for many reasons, but the straw that broke the camels back was when she stayed out all night with a "guy friend". I dumped her after that.

 

I wouldnt order or tell her to do anything. If she doesnt respect your feelings, it shows you that she doesnt care and will do what she wants regardless of your feelings. If she stops, then you will know she truly respects you and wants your relationship to work.

[IBM]

point well taken!!

 

just out of curiosity... did you even give your ex a chance to explain her actions? or you just plain old just told her its over. thats pretty bad way of messing up an almost 2yr relationship (her not you).. sorry to hear that. can't blame you for doing what you did, eigther or she didn't do anything.

 

thx again.......

[Iceman26]

No not really, as I said, there were many other reasons for breaking up with her. The relationship needed to end anyways and thank god it did, because I met the best woman in the world that I am planning on marrying.

 

Even if that relationship hadnt needed to end, I still would have broken up with her for her lack of respect for me and my feelings.

 

You are welcome man, let me know how it goes.

[CrazyCJ]

Trust me sweetie, I know how you feel and I understand your insecurity. I don't know the details of your relationship, but I can be very jealous too and I know it's because I don't always feel good about myself. The best thing for you to do is look at yourself honestly and ask yourself why you are afraid of losing her. If you feel deep in your heart that you are an amazing person, and she would have to be seriously crazy to lose you, then you are okay. Then it becomes her decision and if the worst happens, and she ends up leaving you because she still wants to play the field, you only have to deal with the pain of her loss and not the pain of judging yourself or thinking it is your fault. Having that kind of security within yourself will draw her back to you and when she is confronted with other dating options, she will be reminded of your self confidence and self love and decide against straying. But if you are living in constant fear, she will leave you because she will sense that inner lack of strength. I love my boyfriend very much, and he knows he cannot control me. If I want to go out to a club and dance and feel sexy and flirt, I do it because it's fun and I think human beings are naturally sexy and social people. But when a guy gets serious and wants my number or wants to go somewhere alone with me, I say thanks for the dance but I have a boyfriend waiting for me at home. There's a differece between enjoying sexual flirtation and then taking the next step and acting on those flirtations. Because I think my boyfriend is so neat, I never act on any of my flirtations. And because I know he understands that I have complete control over my own life, I appreciate that and my desire to maintain our trusting, loyal relationship outweighs my desire to meet a new person.

[Iceman26]

This is not an issue of insecurity, its an issue of disrespect. If she was really into him, she wouldnt feel the need to talk to random men online and give random men her phone number. Now, she may just be young and naive, that is a possibility, but he needs to sit down and tell her why it bothers him.

 

CJ, I am not trying to be mean when I say this, but I seriously doubt your boyfriend is sitting at home "waiting" for you while you go out and tempt fate by flirting with other men like that. Those are not the actions of someone who is truly committed in their relationship.

[SouthernSon]

This is not an issue of insecurity, its an issue of disrespect. If she was really into him, she wouldnt feel the need to talk to random men online and give random men her phone number. Now, she may just be young and naive, that is a possibility, but he needs to sit down and tell her why it bothers him.

 

CJ, I am not trying to be mean when I say this, but I seriously doubt your boyfriend is sitting at home "waiting" for you while you go out and tempt fate by flirting with other men like that. Those are not the actions of someone who is truly committed in their relationship.

 

I have to agree with you Iceman. If my fiance were doing that on a regular basis, there would be some big problems. Perhaps CJ's b/f is more open, that is certainly a possibility, but I can tell you that out of all the friends and couples I've ever known, none of them, zip, zero, zilch, ever allowed that sort of thing to go on in their relationship.

[IBM]

Again thanks for the many advice.

 

Point well taken from all.

I guess from all of you guy's respond I can apply it to my situation but of course all cases are different in their own way with their own little twist and whats hidden behind the surface. So with all of the things brought up in this thread I can finally decipher on what to do. And here it is:

 

-in respect to my gf, I will hold off till after this week coz of her school work and work..(my baby is pretty stressed) and this is the last thing she wants right now

-I will just simply ask why she's doing such things and leave as that. (reason) I respect her and trust her. By her doing this doesn't really disrespects me but me putting this to fuel my jealousy.

-compromise she can talk to guys as long as I know them no more "new" guys from the net. (foot down)

 

This way both will be happy trust was never questioned and respect for one another is restored. most of all, I will stop feeling so weak and insecure, I have to be a man and just show how much I love her and how much she means to me, and that I am really committed into this relationship.

[Iceman26]

 

 

-I will just simply ask why she's doing such things and leave as that. (reason) I respect her and trust her. By her doing this doesn't really disrespects me but me putting this to fuel my jealousy..

 

If you "respected and trusted" her you never would have made this post in the first place. You would have brought it up to her. I showed this post to my coworkers, and they all agreed (all 5 of them) that what she is doing is disrespectful. She is giving her time and attention to other men, what other proof of disrespect do you need?

 

-compromise she can talk to guys as long as I know them no more "new" guys from the net. (foot down)

 

Dude, the problem is with the guys she is already talking to. She is exchanging text messages and god knows what else with them when you arent around.

 

This way both will be happy trust was never questioned and respect for one another is restored. most of all, I will stop feeling so weak and insecure, I have to be a man and just show how much I love her and how much she means to me, and that I am really committed into this relationship

 

Being a man has nothing to do with it. I understand where you are coming from because you will let her do whatever she wants because you have never had a relationship, thus you have no point of reference for your issues with her. That is what is the cause of your insecurity, not because of what she is doing. You arent weak and insecure, your freaking girlfriend is flirting and talking with other men and you are completely justified to feel angry about it.

[IBM]

Now I am really torn! I don't know what to do

 

I don't want to make a really big deal out of this... or is this really a big deal. sure enough you have a great and valid point ice but fact of the matter is, she told me face to face before that they are just talking that's all. But once again I did see this particular guy flirting with my gf asking her to go out and kiss and stuffs like that on msn while they were chatting. However, my gf didn't mind the guy's comments and just let it go. So could be nothing?

 

Now I really don't know what to do. The last thing I wanna do is give my gf restrictions on what to do and what not to do coz what I said before its human nature, I am pretty sure you guys can say the same. If something is forbidden then you are more likely to do it just coz you are not allowed to. Again I stand.. actually sitting down not knowing what to do. I love my baby so much!

[Iceman26]

Now I am really torn! I don't know what to do

 

I don't want to make a really big deal out of this... or is this really a big deal. sure enough you have a great and valid point ice but fact of the matter is, she told me face to face before that they are just talking that's all.

 

These questions you have to answer yourself. This is what makes you a man, making your own decisions and standing up for what you feel is right and having the courage to back it up or stand alone in your beliefs if you have to.

 

Do you take the path of ignorance, and just hope she is being faithful, or do you take the path of knowledge, where signs are pointing in another direction?

 

I will say it again. A GIRL IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WILL NOT WANT TO TALK, DANCE OR ENGAGE IN FLIRTATIOUS CONDUCT WITH OTHER MEN AND GIVE THEM HER NUMBER OR LEAD THEM ON!

 

You aren't giving her restrictions; if she doesnt want to halt these activities, you need to walk bro. If someone loves and respects you, she will take your feelings into consideration.

 

If you are perfectly fine with her talking with other men this way, then ignore what I am telling you. If you dont like what she is doing, then be honest and tell her man, you dont want to be frustrated in your relationship and that is what you are right now.

 

You aren't telling her what to do, if talking to other men is a big deal to her, and she wants to break up over it, then you know she isnt serious about you dude and leave her to her geeky internet friends. Seriously man, if shes addicted to the internet dump her on her nerd behind and find someone who isnt as big of a dork that has to make internet friends and chat with them nightly like Napolean Dynamite's brother Kip.

 

But if she sees your point of view, understands that the way she is communicating with those other men and the way they are communicating with her bothers you and she changes it, then you will know she loves you.

[Iceman26]

I agree if talking to other guys makes her happy, then I am all for letting her pursue happiness. I would tell her that she needs to be single if she wants to do that though, unless you like your attention divided between you and other men.

[marijo2480]

I agree completely with the advice that Iceman has given IBM!! I do not think that a bitter person talks the way he does. I think a wise man talks the way he does.

 

Also, I personally think it's rude to judge someone for the advice they give others, just because some may not agree with it.

 

Coming from another woman's perspective, and a normal one at that, I think that your girl, IBM, is taking advantage of your inexperience in relationships and kindness. I completely understand why you feel that you're the one in the wrong by feeling jealous or potentially insecure. I think you're insecure though because of your lack of experience in the dating world. Just from what you've told us about your girl, I can tell that she's dated more than you have. Ask yourself these questions:

 

a) Do you chat with other women online, flirt with women at work, or elsewhere and lead them to think that they have a chance to be with you?

 

b) If you answer no to "a", do you do so because you love and respect your girlfriend?

 

How do you think your girlfriend would answer these questions? You know right off the bat that she cannot say that she does not flirt with these men. You've seen the proof! Do you really want to be with someone that cannot say "no" to "a"?

 

Asking that a woman respect you by being monogamous is not "owning" or controlling her. It's part of a healthy relationship. I agree that if flirting with other men makes her happy, she should then pursue her happiness. Then, where do you, IBM, fit into her equation of happiness? Obviously, you're not all she's worried about and she's definitely not giving you all of her attention (besides the time she spends at work and school).

 

I understand you being naive though. I remember I made a million mistakes with my very first boyfriend. You will learn with time...just do not get too serious with this lame girl. Trust me, there are far better, more mature women out there that would be completely monogamous towards you, unlike this one.

 

Good luck to you! It gets better with experience. You gain knowledge and insight!

[IBM]

Thx for all of you guy's input on this situation that I have.

 

Rest assure that I will rectify this issue tonight with her after her work. I am getting tired of this especially on what happened last night. Long story. Let's just say she was talking to this guy again.

 

And to answer the question you asked. My answer is no coz I know it's not right and proper. I don't even talk to my old friends that are girls anymore let alone a complete stranger.

 

I just hate putting restrictions on her coz I think her ex gave her so much that she rebelled and finally got fed up so she split. Ohh yea another thing yes she's had a few relationship under her belt. But I just hope you are wrong about her taking advantage of my inexperience.

 

I'll keep you guys posted on the out come this weekend.

 

sorry to this i have but!

i still don't know how to bring this up and i don't like upsetting. the least i want to do is push her back by pointing out his thing that could be a big deal to most and such a little thing to her... not even significant. so to be honest with you guys iam still 70/30 on talking to her about it. 70no and 30yes.... iam hopeless!!

[Iceman26]

I dont think you are hopeless, you probably aren't going to learn until its too late. Her ex probably dumped her for the same thing. If she feels she needs to "rebel" than she should be alone until she is ready and willing to compromise and care about her partners feelings........but in order to find out you should talk to her and be upfront and honest about the way you feel, unless you like pretending everything is ok.

 

Good luck with the talk.

[marijo2480]

Well, you have two choices IBM:

 

a) Not say anything and let this continue. You know, some guy could easily get her to like him and she could eventually dump you for him. Ouch! A hypothetical situation, yes, but a very likely one!

 

b) Say something and hopefully, she'll change and you won't have this issue any more, or she'll rebel (as she did with her ex) and eventually things wil be over.

 

If you choose b, which I'm hoping you do, if she rebels, than you know that she has very little love and respect for you. I think you deserve better and a break up would be the best thing to happen for you.

 

What can you lose by bringing this up to her? It's only going to get worse! Something already happened last night with this same guy that she's chatting with and you're already upset about it. She's pushing your buttons.

 

If it helps anyway, don't come off yelling or nagging. Put the cards out on the table. Let her know that you will not tolerate this. Tell her that you would not do this to her and if that's what she wants, she needs to play the field with some other guy that will be dumb enough to put up with it. Respect yourself first, and demand respect from others! Your relationship should be equal and she should treat you as you treat her. That's when you know you're lucky and you've got yourself a good woman by your side.

 

I think you'll soon be posting a 0/100 (and the outcome from your talk with her) and not no 70/30....

[IBM]

i really don't know what to do! i don't want to lose this girl!

 

this issue isn't that big of a deal is it.....? coz as long as she stays loyal and doesn't betray my trust by cheating then it should be ok right? like i mean she only talks to them and it stops there. i think i can live with that....

 

btw one more thing i hate/dislike confrontation with women.. i feel so weak, feels like i can't defend myself.

 

iam really sorry guys IAM really hopeless! i love her so much, she means the world to me and i don't want....to lose her...she all that i got! (sniff sniff)

[Iceman26]

Well at least you are able to admit your faults, and that is that your self confidence. Women like a guy with confidence, in addition if you are to have success in life, you will need to work on your confidence to pursue the things you truly want.

 

What she is doing would be a big enough reason for a confrontation and possible breakup to me, but what you want to do, I have no idea. It seems like you think ignoring this problem is going to go away, and it wont.

 

Maybe you should take Marijo's advice and go with option A.