super depressed... need advice with this situation...

[08evoMR]

Hi everyone.

 

I am a 31/M and my ex is a 24/F.. We met online 3 years ago and instantly hit it off.. she was everything i was looking for, beautiful, smart, no ex boyfriend issues and looking for someone a little older that had his feet planted. I was working oilfield and doing 3 weeks on 3 weeks off, and flying 5000 km every days off to my hometown on the east coast.

 

We had to wait for a month before we met, but when we did, it was incredible. We were inseperable... Well to cut a long story short, yes we had some ups and downs, but we always made it through. I ended up getting laid off in January of 2015 and moved home to be with her for good. In August of 2015, we decided to pack up and move across the country to Alberta because I got another oilfield job offer. Well, a month after being here, I got laid off, again. I went jobless for 5 months, couldn't find anything as it was a smaller city and jobs were scarce. She ended up taking the brunt of the bills while I looked for work all day long (she got lucky and landed a job within the first 2 weeks selling cell phones at the mall). We had issues during this time obviously due to financial stress, she started to "nitpick" almost everything I did and I was getting fed up with it. One morning, she woke up at 730 AM to get ready for work, and she literally freaked out, out of nowhere. I was still asleep, and she started throwing my clothes off the hangers in the closet yelling GET UP... I was taken quite back by her actions and I got up out of bed pretty quickly and said "what the **** are you doing??".. she turned around about a foot away from me and clenched her fists as if she was going to hit me.. I grabbed her shoulders and said "don't you dare hit me" while she kept getting aggressive with me. I don't hit women, but if i fear im about to get hit, ill defend myself as anyone else should... she asked me to get out, so i packed my things and contacted a good friend of mine, who let me stay with him for a few days... a couple hours later, i got a call from the police, saying i needed to come down to the station or there would be a warrant issued for my arrest... i couldnt believe it... she actually called the cops on me for defending myself and not hitting her... anyway, i was charged with assault and in the end, issued a peace bond to have no contact with her.

 

She was good friend with my friend that I was staying with and insisted she come over to talk to me.. I allowed it even against the law... She convinced me that she only called to "scare" me but they insisted on pressing charges anyway.. She told me to "come home", so against the laws wishes, i moved back in.. ii thought things would get better, that she would show me it was worth my time to move back, which she did for about a week, then she went back to her old ways (by the way i got a job the first week that i moved back in, salary benefits, decent)... she would just act like i didnt exist sometimes...

 

I got fed up one day, and when she went to work, i packed up my things and moved into a co-workers place. I called her after I left and told her that I packed up and moved. She was distraught and heartbroken.. I felt bad but I couldnt take the way she was treating me anymore. We didnt talk for a few days, but then reconnected again (i know, i know) and continued to hang out and "see how it goes".. I would have her over a lot for backyard fires, drinks, everything. We were still sleeping together when we hung out, and I thought things were actually going really well.. Until one day, she called me and said she was going to start seeing someone... I was really suspicious of how long this was going on, so i got a mutual friend to check her facebook as she had blocked me for a couple weeks.. turns out, she was in a relationship with him as of the 31st of August 2016, and we had just slept together and hung out 3 times between then and september 8th (when she called to inform me).. She literally hid this guy from me for about a month before, and cheated on him with me and without my knowledge... I was CRUSHED.. I loved this girl to death, or else I wouldnt have kept going back.. I obviously let my self respect drop or else I wouldnt take someone like her back over and over again like this.

 

I left her alone. Never called or messaged her at all, even though yes, i still wanted her back. I sought help online and read that if i went no contact she would eventually see that the GIGS isnt all they were cracked up to be.. well low and behold, 2.5 weeks later, she calls me. We talked, they were still together, but she said she missed me uncontrollably and loved me still.. I missed her a lot too.. she would call every couple days, then it turned into almost every night... I eventually had enough though and gave her an ultimatum between me and him.. she eventually chose to break up with him and get back with me.. I moved back in (UGH, STUPID)... she insisted that they NEVER SLEPT TOGETHER as well... things were great again, for about a month.. then the sex started to diminish again... i was very skeptical about something going on once again.. then one night she went off the handle, talking about a girl i added to facebook that she didnt know, she thought she looked like a and wanted me to delete her.. first of all, she did not look like a , and she was my assistant manager at work.. (no, nothing was going on there at all)... I told her that it might cause problems at work if i deleted her from FB.. she snapped, called me every name in the book, screaming at me, so I said enough was enough and she told me to leave again... so I moved back into my co-workers.. low and behold, 3 days later, she calls me crying again, saying the usual, she missed me, loved me, was sorry for what she said blah blah blah.. I didnt move back in this time as she said she really wanted us to work, and that we would just take it slow this time.. i reluctantly agreed.. we hung out about 3 times a week for a month.. until last wednesday....

 

i went over to her apartment, she had just finished rubbing my back and i rubbed hers, and we were watching a show on netflix, me laying in her lap.. i poked my head up pretty quick, noticed she had her phone in front of her face, and i saw the exs name that she left me for on the phone for a split second, then she quickly closed out of it. I said "uh, are you texting your ex?" she denied that she was, her voice trembling and hands started to shake.. i asked her to let me see her texts, she wouldnt let me.. i laid my head down again for 2 seconds, i look up again and she was in the midst of deleting his messages.. I sat up, and said "what the is going on here?? why are you lying to me?? why are you dragging me back into your life, while youre still talking to your f**king ex still??" she said "im not, and if thats what you think, you can leave".. i snapped i jumped off the couch, grabbed my jacket, threw a bag of candy at her TV, told her to go f**k herself, and stormed out. Thats the last time I heard from her.

 

I messaged this guy.. I had to know what was going on once and for all, and I wanted him to know what was going on, i had no beef or problems with him, but he deserved to know he was being played at the same time. I told him everything and he was pissed, said "well doesnt look like were getting back together now" he said they had been talking "for weeks" and that they just "f**ked last week".. this hurt me to the core.. how could she lie to me about this for so long?? I have a feeling that they are actually together now, and I don't know what to do anymore... I feel lost.. im 5000 KM from home with her, with very few friends out here.. I put my 2 weeks in at work last week, only have a week left (got offered another oilfield position making BIG money now) but my friends and family back home just think it's better for my emotional health to move home.. What should I do?? I have not heard from her for 10 days..

 

Kicker: I signed up to online dating just for fun the day after the freakout.. I get a message on POF from a profile with no pictures, credentials that match my exs (birthday, age, body type) and the profile was "hidden" meaning it wouldnt come up in any searchs you do on POF... We talked for about 5 days.. She knew things about me that I never told her, like wehre i currently worked, also asked if I was really "going BACK to the oilfield" when i never told her i worked in it before... said she "saw my ex at the club, she wasnt with her "ex" though apparently.... sent me screenshotted photos of a random girl she said was "Jennifer", but the screen was from her exact phone (the toolbar, arrows etc.).. i asked this person to prove their identitiy more as i was suspicious it was my ex girlfriend, by sending me a picture of them holding a lampshade (neutral object that no one would have a picture with on their FB) and she just said "haha its getting late and im in bed, ill message you in the morning"... also refused to give a phone number (which i half understand, but thats what blocking is for) or giving her facebook.. I know this person was my ex stalking me online... there is no way that was all just a coincidence.. I woke up the next day, told the profile that I had met someone for lunch, and that we hit it off and I would be deleting my account, wishing them good luck in the process. I deleted my account...

 

What am I to make of all this? I know I need to walk away and never talk to her again, but its going to be so hard as she still has ways of contacting me even if i block her on everything. (blocking her number, email).. I just dont know what to do... should I stay out here for a great job with no real friends or family? Or should I go home where its "safe" and work for a lot less money, but be happier with friends and family?? someone help and tell me whats on her mind.. Having trouble sleeping and eating the last 10 days......... I guess I care too much... smh.....

 

also to be clear, i have not initiated any contact with her this entire time.. left her alone...

also, the guy she had a rebound with, and then obviously went back to, is nothing special at all.. he works as a line cook (no disrespect to cooks out there!) lost his license due to 2 DUIs (she also lost hers for the same thing), he drinks a lot and smokes a lot of weed from what she tells me.. what is the allure? why wouldnt she just be faithful to someone like me who has things going for him in his life? i have my class 1 license, a nice car, money and treated her with respect, until i was disrespected.... i am just so lost, confused and depressed about this whole situation.. we were each others longest relationships.... just doesn't add up...

[gebaird]

Wow, this story reads like a nightmare. It stopped being about the way she was treating you a long time ago -- now it's about why you are allowing yourself to be treated this way.

 

I think you should take the high paying job, give it 6 months and see how you feel after you've got a bit of healing behind you. You're not in the right emotional state to make a life-changing decision at the moment.

 

Change your phone number, find a new place to live, stay away from social media and dating sites, get some therapy if you can and focus on your own healing.

 

After what you've been through, don't settle for anything less than a loving, caring and consistent partner in the future.

[08evoMR]

Thanks for your input, much appreciated! I know I allowed myself to be walked on, used and abused.. she made me feel like everything was my fault, when in all reality, it takes two to tango.. i guess i just miss her right now.. some days are good, some days are bad, but its particularly bad at night before bed and when i wake up.. i shouldnt, but i check my phone constantly for emails or missed calls when at work.. its sad.. she has come back everytime.. why wouldnt i believe that its not going to happen again though? im just mindf**ked right now... how could she just move on so quick with some guy shes known for a couple months... lots of unanswered questions in my mind.. do you think i should try and get answers before anything?

[gebaird]

Thanks for your input, much appreciated! I know I allowed myself to be walked on, used and abused.. she made me feel like everything was my fault, when in all reality, it takes two to tango.. i guess i just miss her right now.. some days are good, some days are bad, but its particularly bad at night before bed and when i wake up.. i shouldnt, but i check my phone constantly for emails or missed calls when at work.. its sad.. she has come back everytime.. why wouldnt i believe that its not going to happen again though? im just mindf**ked right now... how could she just move on so quick with some guy shes known for a couple months... lots of unanswered questions in my mind.. do you think i should try and get answers before anything?

 

I don't think answers from her will help the way you might be thinking they will. What could she possibly say that would make any of this okay? Maybe she just has a fetish for cooks. Who knows? All you know for certain is that this relationship is toxic.

 

Closure isn't something you'll get from her. It's something you'll find on your own when you start to heal. No contact (blocking her everywhere) is the answer -- not as a way to get her back, but as a way to get yourself back. Until you make your stand and say "enough," she'll keep being the spider and you'll keep being the fly.

 

I can understand why your friends want you to move home. They know she's not good for you and they want to help protect you. It's a blessing to have friends like that.

[08evoMR]

thank you my friend.. those are great words you speak.. i told my best friend that i would work for about 4-5 months out here, buy the car ive always wanted, and then he would fly out and we would drive back home together across canada.. i want to go to school in the fall back home, its part of my plan.. I can make enough out here to be pretty well off in that time frame as i have little to no debt, no kids, nothing like that. its all money in the bank.. just don't know which way to approach this situation. it seems hopeless right now and ive felt very alone lately as i dont have many people out here.

[MissCanuck]

You two are extremely dysfunctional together.

 

There are no answers she can give you that will be satisfactory, are there?

 

You need to leave her in the past if you ever want to be happy.

[boltnrun]

All I can say is, the sex must have been phenomenal for you to have put up with this much BS.

 

You know, nice women can be spectacular in bed too

[Skyless]

Man, from what you describe that was not so much a relationship, as a rollercoaster of disfunction. I can sympathize and understand why you are asking yourself about how things don't add up at this point in this mess with regards to this other guy, but I can tell you, that is the exact wrong question to be asking. You are asking yourself that, because you are still very much invested in this thing emotionally (10 days) and that is not letting you actually register all the incredible negatives and experiences that everyone else here is seeing at straight face value as they read this and face-palm.

 

Whatever your personal strengths or accomplishments are, that's good, remember those, but they have nothing to do with this, it honestly doesn't matter why she may be or may not be (who cares) with this other guy, or how long the relationship you had was. The question you need to be asking is why in the world you would ever want to be with her now!

 

Under no circumstances continue contact with this person. Just to spell it out, she has proven to be unfaithful and untrustworthy repeatedly, she has shown very volatile behaviour and jealousy, she had no qualms about calling the cops on you, she is violent, she obviously can drink heavily with the DUIs. She has no problem brazenly chatting up other guys while she is literally with you in the same room and has some stalking behaviours to boot. This isn't the kind of relationship that will just leave you emotionally destroyed, but likely in prison or worse and that's not even taking into account any baggage you yourself might be contributing to this mess. Do not, I repeat, do not have any more contact with this woman! Delete every reminder and contact detail, block every avenue of contact.

 

Here is how this will work if you 100% walk away from this today (feel free to re-read this again to see for yourself in the future), wether you are at home or working up north on the rigs, it will take a few months but you will start to feel like yourself again. This sense of high urgency and pain and attachment you are feeling now will start to fade slowly then some more, then some more. More and more of the story you wrote above will start to dawn on you as to how unacceptable the behaviour and relationship itself was. As the haze lifts you will see it more and more objectively, until you will perceive just how much of a bullet you dogged by walking away.

 

You can make this process go faster by talking regularly to some close family or friends from back home, Skype if you have to, but having an outside perspective from some people you really trust can really help keep you grounded so you don't do something stupid (like go back) and to pull out of this quicker. As soon as you can, try to make some new friends, meet new people if you can and the attention shift will also help you to put this behind you faster. Either way, remember how you are feeling now is temporary and if you can rally a bit of support for yourself from the people in your life and stay busy, you will be ok even faster. There is a lot of really great women out there and no matter what history you two had, this was not one of them, don't mourn this, this is not a loss, even if it feels like one now. This will be one of those things you will thank yourself for later, once you are sufficiently far enough away from this to see it.

 

Best of Luck

[08evoMR]

wow, great speech man.. i am going to screen shot this and read it when im feeling down.. well i found out tonight it was her on the dating site... i called her out on it.. she actually called tonight, blocked number.. my boss also calls from a blocked number so i answered and it was her for gods sake.... what a mistake picking up that phone.. lets just say it ended in tears, her saying we can't be together again, she hung up, then called me back for some reason, said she didnt want us to be on "bad terms" then i eventually hung up on her.. well, back to day one of no contact. wish me luck guys...

[kamurj]

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