OneDay22 Posted January 20, 2017 Share Posted January 20, 2017 It's my fault by in large, for the way things are now. I understood they were shot from early on, but I thought I could, in a godlike manner, simply will things to be as I may have wanted.. That was 7 years ago. Six of which my partner and I have been raising our son together, in an FHA home that's falling apart..in rural Minnesota. First impressions right? That's how I was taught. That a beggining decided the when and how, of an end.. So this is how it started, how it began. We never had a honeymoon phase. I was renting a trailer in the seedy part of town, and my friends and I basically partied for 6 months straight, while I worked for my mother as a PCA to afford booze and bud. About two years before, we first met. She was quiet, and pretty, and I believed that it was a girl like her, that would make me happy. Fast forward. I'm back at the trailer. I had lots of people over all the time. One was actually dating my partner at the time. He basically had sex with her twice, then treated her like a toy. To the druggies, and delinquents, she was seen as one of them because she drank, and a prize in a way. I noticed this as she came to drink at the trailer the first time. Thus, I began texting her. I was oversweet, too romantic, too wishful. She was miserable, and was aware she wasn't valued by Taylor, the kid she was with. So...and as tragic to my mind, to my life, in hindsight,as a fatal prognosis......I invited her over to spend the night. She broke up with Taylor, her druggie bf, and agreed to come over the next day. Almost as tragic as the invitation, was it's acceptance... Now..Taylor wasn't her first sexual partner. My friend, and a decent person ,Dustin,had taken her virginity at a party we both attended several months before she let Taylor have her. Dustin tried in his way to pursue that relationship..but he too was caught up in our towns constant drug epidemic at one time, and did little to invest into it. So, they broke up, months before I ever saw her at my place. Dustin basically lived with me, helped me keep the party going. So..I invite Jenna over as I told before. Just me her and Dustin that night. It really seemed to me like she kept trying to sit near to Dustin, and avoiding me as the night went on.. Now, I didn't ask her out, I asked her to come and hang out with us..and I never told Dustin that I wanted her. But I felt like she would come over and be all over me, the way other girlfriends were with their boyfriend . And I utterly believed that was her plan after all my romantic attempts to have something normal, and real..to come over and BE with me. Like I said, we were flirting...sweetly...even the night I asked her over to hang. It was supposed to be a hint, but whatever..I guess she didn't get it, or didn't care enough. But she came over.. I try to sit near her, even just so we can talk, which she isn't good at anyway.. So, she keeps moving away, and I became embarrassed, jealous, and upset. I felt like I invited a skank over to purposely degrade me..like a nightmare.. I go to my room, tell them to crash, and I went to bed....very upset. Full of hatred. I don't like to feel disregarded that way, after I had opened my heart up to this woman. I didn't like feeling like Dustin had a hold over her, especially since he took her virginity very unceremoniously..I felt there was nothing special left for us to share. I was ready to wake up, and tell her to leave. The next day, my house is full of my friends again as I wake up. People coming and going..Jenna getting ready to leave. My friend and roommate Erica, then comes up to me. "You beast, you still have blood in your mouth?!" I said....what? "You put the biggest suck mark on Jenna I've ever seen" It was then, that my rage, my hate, my suspicion...were combined. Yet I had male pride to defend. I didn't want people to know that I had invited a woman over to my home, only for her to play around with her ex boyfriend So I said, "oh..yea no big deal right" acting like it was me, and not Dustin, who had been fingering and sucking on her neck while I slept. Thus the seeds of tragedy took root, and it's stem begin to grow. I confided in several of my buddies, about what I should do. This was hard for me..it lessens the machismo that was and still is an important social function of this small town. They were all of the same mind...save one. "Dump her. I'll go tell her to leave and stay away" "You expected different from one of them? (Them, being the poor, druggie, stoner types) "I'm sorry, but that's ed up, dump her." That's what I heard for an entire day. The last person, a friend of hers, Blake, told me something different when I talked to him. "She was raped when she was 5. I think it's why she drinks so much, and maybe why she acts that way, I don't know." Well...since I was already looking for an excuse to forgive her...really to make me feel superior at that point, as my rage was great, I thought I had found some kind of clinically approved excuse for the way she acted....so I took it. I didn't want anybody to think I was a puss or something, by being perceived to have "lost" a girl to somebody else. People view it as weakness, and find it unattractive. So, I confronted her. She was sad. I think she knew what she did was wrong. But, being me, after hearing her sob story, I decided to make all her excuses for her, and forgive her. You can't really fix something like that. The very worst way to begin a relationship....through pitty, fear, and envy... I couldn't pay rent anymore because they raised it, and I had to give up my job so my mother could work Lit. So Jenna, that's her name, asked her very kind mother if I could stay with them, and she agreed. She still acted distant. She was already introverted...but only around her ex boyfriends did I see her comfortable the way I wanted with me...I had been living with her for just a month, and I had made up my mind....to leave her with prejudice, and forget she ever existed The month before, we had sex for the first time...weeks after I started going out with her....because I was terrified that she would compare me sexually with previous partners, and embarrass me further in my own home... So we has sex, on her birthday, and went from there...in misery, wishing I had never met her in my heart deep down. So, that month goes by...and I basically have my speech written to tell her exactly what I thought about our relationship. I would have before, but her sob story kept me from wanting to hurt her. I felt like people would think, again, think of me as weak, and unable to satisfy my partner. So, I'm up in our room, thinking of packing. She comes in with a stick...and says she's pregnant. Now....I had it in my head....that like the books and movies...finding out I would be a father would be such a happy moment. I literally looked forward to it since I was a kid.. But when she told me, on the very day I was to leave her....tragedy again struck... My dad had always been an absentee father, and it created great anger in me. Everyone in my town with a full family, were wealthier, happier...more vital. So I blamed him, rightly, for my economic and social problems I couldn't possibly have solved alone. Knowing this...I was overtaken with the desire to NOT repeat my father's mistake, and be there. So instead of suggesting aborting, which seemed like a non option...I decided to stick around, and try to be a good dad. This, is the tragedy, that I chose something in my head....over the best interests of living people.. In this town, there are no jobs...so when I quit the only one around to be able to provide our own childcare, so Jenna could keep her job....I became reliant on her financially... Thus, for the last seven years I have been trapped, both by the economic facts of my situation, and my desire to indeed be a present and active father. I tried to get out twice, scoring lucky jobs. But Jenna worked odd hours, and childcare costs more than I made at minimum wage...so I had to quit those so Jenna could keep her job as well.... Our relationship is toxic by this point, as you might well imagine. I do not believe a cockroach could survive it's poison as it is. Never any physical violence. Just her wanting somebody to like her....and me despising her. I have given the best years my life so that I could stay with my child, and so Jenna could go become a nurse and manager at the local Subway, while I remained stuck in a town with no opportunity. Sooo I am trapped. I can't leave...it would mean the last 7 years of suffering were for nothing. But I MUST leave..I cannot play this charade any longer, even for my son..it's causing me to manifest depression, anxiety, and lethargy..and makes me a poor father. I have convinced Jenna to move to California, with tax money. As one last attempt at a fresh, "Hello, my name is" restart and try to forget the past. Also, to be closer to family that can help me and Ethan, as well as give us both a chance at a better job. But, deep down....I don't think I want to restart. I spent seven years pretending to be happy, so my kid would see a happy couple, but now even that is shot...he can hear and understand the venom in our arguments.. So, I plan on biding my time, enduring the prisionlike isolation of this home, and Jenna's introverted silence, until we get to California this spring Then, I plan to get a job, or two...save up money...and then, to leave Jenna forever. At this point, we both know we are together for our son, and don't have any real love for each other..just pitty and hate from me, and the need to be needed, from her.. So....I'm waiting, watching reruns on Netflix, applying for jobs I can't possibly get to, until I can get out West. I have always felt that if things ever got real bad for me, that I needed to see the Pacific again, before I made any permanent choices. I feel that I am at that point. Which is why I'm on my phone, in the bathroom, spilling my guts to anybody whom it may interest...something very out of my character.. But hey, for real...I'm hoping for some real advice...though I understand that that's a silly request being so obviously late in its asking. Nonetheless....please...help. 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