My wife depression is suffocating me. Help!

[vv15629]

Ok so before I start describing my wife and the effects of her depression I want to make it clear as to not over exaggerate, my wife has her mental struggles but is not some raging depressed maniac. She is a kind loving person with literally the biggest heart I’ve ever seen. Her love, care and empathy for others leaves me in awe sometimes and it’s probably what I love about her most. However, her depression is really really starting to wear me down emotionally. Hell even physically some days. We’re both in our early thirties, married for about 6 months and together for about 6 years.

 

We come from completely different home upbringings. My parents remained married, stable, and loving. I had good work ethic, drive, and resilience installed in me since I was young. My wife didn’t have the healthiest upbringing from her parents who eventually divorced and some other issues which have helped lead to her depression/anxiety. Emotional issues run a bit in her family. Vicious cycle. She is 100% aware and accepting of her issues and has tried to work on them via counseling/medication etc. I’m generally a very optimistic and happy person, always have been and of course she a bit on the other side of the spectrum. I fully understand the patience and understanding needed when dealing with a depressed loved one. I’ve gotten better overtime in my approach to her and try to learn and more to keep heading in that direction.

 

However, I’d be lying if I said her depression wasn’t taking its toll on me. Some days I can tolerate her negative energy and then some days it just clouds me with a deflated feeling that is hard to even describe. Almost putting myself in a mini depression. Fortunately I can shake it off relatively quickly. We usually are up together in the morning before work before leaving then a few hours into our day one of us will usually text the other just to say hey. Some days I’m literally so fearful to send that “hey babe how’s it going” text bc I know the negative energy I will likely receive back. Whether its her issues w/ work, friends, family, her weight or some other random annoyance. It’s just the constant of that I really struggle with. She often has problems that she brings to me but it always ends up where I’m in a position to say nothing right, sometimes literally speechless and saying to myself I really have no clue how I could say anything correct at this moment. I cant offer advice or my opinion to help bc she usually ends up defensive cause it may be a productive thing to say but its an issue bc simply it’s something she doesn’t want to hear. She doesn’t really want my advice to help w/ a problem but rather just someone to agree with her that all she’s complaining about is justified and she should be angry and annoyed. Make sense? And I cant always agree w/ her anger 100% of the time. I cant just agree and justify her anger bc I know that acting that way is not going to help really her.

 

Just an example. Most recently shes gone on a diet and doing some exercise, and like most things that present a tough challenge for her, she quickly becomes so discourage and angry about it wants to quit. She keeps telling me how she should do this diet or this workout instead cause she’s miserable with shes currently doing. I finally told her that it doesn’t matter what diet or work out you until you can adjust your mindset and attitude towards. You’ll hate anything you try without the right approach to it. Shes literally broken down in tears saying how she wants just lose weight but doesn’t want to basically do any work it takes to achieve that. That quickly turn into her saying shes not like me and that I’m being insensitive. I mean what am I supposed to say?! The only thing she would have taken kindly is if I said “you’re right babe its not worth it, you should just not worry about it”. But I cant do that! I want my wife to succeed, achieve, and accomplish. Progress equals happiness so I just cant make her seem like good intentions aren’t worth fighting for. And I’m not just talking about some weight loss. So even though I respectfully and nicely said to her what I truly believe is advice that will help I still just cant win. This theme in general is how it goes often with a lot of her issues she brings to me just to provide an idea.

 

We planned to start trying for our first child soon but Im honestly fearful of her mental state going into a pregnancy. I just don’t know. I know extra care and patience is required in loving a depressed wife but at some point what about me bc this a huge challenge for me as well!

[Wiseman2]

Hopefully she is diligently following whatever medical and counselling therapy she is supposed to be. Never be her therapist or fixer.

 

Do not offer advice, but also do not indulge a tsunami of help-rejecting-complaining. Limit the morose whining and self-pity. Listen compassionately for a while but do not reward this behavior with lots of attention.

 

Let her solve her own problems. Do not offer any tips...that will lead to arguing and her claiming you "don't listen, don't understand, don't care, etc."

She is 100% aware and accepting of her issues and has tried to work on them via counseling/medication etc.

[DancingFool]

I'd advise you to read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book. I think it will help you tremendously with understanding how your wife communicates, why, when, what for and how to respond to it or not.

 

What Wiseman wrote is actually gold.

 

Women like to vent, it doesn't mean we are looking for any kind of advice and definitely not looking for the guy to jump in and fix it 9 times out of 10. So when you do jump in with fix it type response, you will get into a heap of trouble with her.

 

So what if she is crying? Sounds cruel? No, truly she is venting her frustrations, BUT she is not looking for your advice and help. When she actually decides to do something about it, she actually will and you need to trust that. She is a grown woman, so don't daddy her.

 

As for checking in during the work day. Just quit the nonsense. You need to focus on your job and she on hers and there is no need for you to play girlfriend and shoulder to cry on and ear to vent to about whatever happened to irritate her that moment. Believe it or not, she is treating you like her girlfriend when she does this. She vents, she feels better, she goes about her day. Unfortunately for you, it triggers the mr fix it response and messes up your day. Just because you can access someone during the day, doesn't mean you should. Sometimes, some separation and no contact and just dealing with your individual days is actually healthy for couples. Stops you both from getting in each others space and on each others nerves all day looong.

[coolgirl]

I myself suffer from depression myself. And has affected my marriage when I was married at that time. My marriage only lasted for 3 years until I pulled the plug. Don't try to fix her problems and let her deal with what ever is bothering her. In every way possible my ex husband and mother wanted to help me but I was in so much denial that I didn't have any problems or issues. They just pushed me further away even when they tried to help me. I understand you want to be able to help her and thats fine you want to lend an ear thats fine too just try to be as supportive as you can be. Dont argue with her, dont disagree with her is just going to make it much harder for you 2 to be on the same page. For example if she talking about loosing weight just let her do it on her own. You as her husband can only sypport the decisions she makes. Let her talk about whats bothering her just say dear what ever works for you. Don't try to fix things for her. Let her do it on her own. And you can be by her side to give her that emotional support she needs. is she seeking therapy is she still going ? Is she on any type of medication? I think her getting on some meds will help. With the emotional state she is in right now I dont think bringing a child into the mix is just not a smart move until she had some sort of stability as far as her mental state.

[vv15629]

I'd advise you to read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book. I think it will help you tremendously with understanding how your wife communicates, why, when, what for and how to respond to it or not.

 

What Wiseman wrote is actually gold.

 

Women like to vent, it doesn't mean we are looking for any kind of advice and definitely not looking for the guy to jump in and fix it 9 times out of 10. So when you do jump in with fix it type response, you will get into a heap of trouble with her.

 

So what if she is crying? Sounds cruel? No, truly she is venting her frustrations, BUT she is not looking for your advice and help. When she actually decides to do something about it, she actually will and you need to trust that. She is a grown woman, so don't daddy her.

 

As for checking in during the work day. Just quit the nonsense. You need to focus on your job and she on hers and there is no need for you to play girlfriend and shoulder to cry on and ear to vent to about whatever happened to irritate her that moment. Believe it or not, she is treating you like her girlfriend when she does this. She vents, she feels better, she goes about her day. Unfortunately for you, it triggers the mr fix it response and messes up your day. Just because you can access someone during the day, doesn't mean you should. Sometimes, some separation and no contact and just dealing with your individual days is actually healthy for couples. Stops you both from getting in each others space and on each others nerves all day looong.

 

I hear what you're saying 100% just a bit easier said than done I feel like. So there's some times she is likely just venting and I should just give my apologies that she is dealing with that and let it be. Sometimes though I can tell she coming to me and in a way expecting answers and a solution to her issue but my response is never what she really wants to hear and there goes her defensiveness. Like when she says she doesn't like this, this, or that diet/workout option...and my answer is you need to change your attitude and mindset about it before any option will work. If I were to just say I'm sorry you feel that way love and let it be, she'll likely continue to complain in a way where she keeps it going in a way for me to give answers to help fix her issue. Again I'm in the position where I just can't say ANYTHING right. The whole part about cutting out the work day communication, I would have zero problems with that for the most part, but yeah she likely would be offended by that and say I'm insensitive or whatever. I dunno just feel so stuck sometimes.

 

I'll throw a new example into the mix from last night. Earlier in the day yesterday while she's at work she texts me and says let go on a date tonight, dinner and movie. I'm like for sure sounds good. I start asking where she may want to go but it quickly turned into an issue. Bc she's on a diet she starts being miserable and upset about going out now bc she can't eat whatever she wants at the restaurant and she can eat snacks at the movie blah blah etc... So I end fell asleep taking a nap before she got home, when she gets home she wakes me up and I can tell she's still in a little bit of a mood. So In my head I've already had enough for the day and Im like screw it, I don't even wanna ask about going to dinner and movie tonight bc I know she'll just get grumpy again bc of how she can't eat what she wants and have a whats the point of going type of attitude. We get into a little tiff and she ask "well why haven't u said anything about going to dinner tonight" and at this point I'm just too frustrated and I said "well I didn't ask bc i don't feel like hearing u about it" Yea maybe not the right thing to say but it was an understandable truth on my end in regard to how I felt. So of course that didn't go well and I ended up going back in bed watching tv and she stayed down stairs. I eventually ask if she's going to come to bed and she says "well are you going to apologize first for what you said?'

 

Right or wrong I said "no I'm not!" Why should I apologize for giving you a response stating why and how I felt which I clearly had reason to feel that way giving how you act and what you've said. Who knows maybe I am wrong.

[DancingFool]

But what you really need to ask yourself is why do you keep taking on her problems and making them your own? The diet thing is exactly the kind of a thing where you really shouldn't say a thing. Let her whine and sort it out. If she is whining too much, change topic. ....But then she will accuse of being insensitive. So what? You ought to know that you are not being insensitive, rather she is being an overbearing b...tch and taking her whining too far. Thing is that unless you grow a spine and start asserting some boundaries and limits on her whining, she will mow you over every single time.

 

The movie example, honestly if my bf pulled that on me, about 30 seconds in to the whining sessions, I would have cut him off with either pick a place you are good with or we are not going. Let me know by x time today where to meet you or not. Click. If he came at me with how dare you not listen to me, I'd tell him nicely but firmly that there is only so much of this I'm going to listen to. After that either he gets a grip or he needs to be talking to a professional, but he may not take it out on his relationship, aka me. I didn't sign up to be a therapist and I expect him to get a grip on that one way or another so his issues do not keep wrecking our relationship.

 

Thing with you is you are allowing her to drag you down by being overly sensitive yourself and not establishing boundaries of what you will and will not tolerate.

 

Phone calls or texts at work couldn't be easier to stop if you tried. "Hey babe, got written up at work for what they called excessive personal calls. New HR witch in place and she is cracking down and changing all kinds of policies. Can't do any more calls or texts, unless it's truly an emergency. Thanks for being so understanding. Love ya."

[KantSleep]

In my first marriage, I was bombarded with negativity from my spouse, and it definitely didn't work for me. While I understand your wife has a diagnosed condition, it sounds like her whining and complaining is wearing you out. Perhaps if you told her this - in a tactful way, if there is one she might be able to self-check before dumping all her negativity at your feet. When you don't know you are impacting your partner this way, you have no way to try to correct it. If she takes offense to this, it's on her. You have a right to be happy, and to want to get an occasional happy text instead of misery. When my BF and I text, it is usually playful and often filled with I love you's etc. Your mate should add sunshine to your day. My best guess is she doesn't realize how she is impacting you. Not long ago my BF and I had a discussion about something in the past, and I was surprised by what he said. I said, why didn't you tell me this sooner, when it was going on? I can't step back and analyze myself or my behavior if I don't know how you are perceiving it, or how it is impacting you... All is well now but suffering in silence is never the answer...