BREAKING AWAY FROM CO_DEPENDENCY

[fly8405]

I have read a lot about this online and have come to the realization that I am extremely co-dependent on my girlfriend. It is getting worse and I am suffering more and more. I want to be with her, so breaking it off is not option for me because I don't have the mental health to do so. I need help. I can't stop thinking about her, where she is what she is doing, who she is talking to. I don't think about myself and this is hurting me more and more everyday. I really need help and I needit now. i want to be with her but i want to have a healthy relationship so that it works. I can't stop thinking about her though, yet she can go about her day fine while I miss her tremendously. I know she loves me but I need to go back to my true self. the one that believed in me. The one that new I had a future and that I could do things. She has all of that now and I don't. I really miss her and myself. I am really scared of losing her.

[Rozanne]

Hey - omg - you just described the way I feel about my ex in two paragraphs!

 

It's really good that you have realised this whilst you are still with her - you have a chance to fix it now! Take an interest in yourself or else why would she want to be interested in you - or why should anyone else be!

 

What happened with me was that I was entirely dependant on my ex for my emotional well-being, he was the only one that knew about my depression and various other things - it is a lot of pressure to put on someone. When he eventually left me, I fell to pieces and had no one to support me but gradually i have managed to pull my life back together and realise that I am still a person! I exist by myself!! It may sound stupid but it was really a revelation for me!

 

 

I saying that tho, my ex was a complete arse who blamed me for everything. Anyhoo, if this girl is for keeps - tell her what you have told us and tell her that you want to work through it and you need her help.

If she is worth it then she will be glad to do so!

 

And if she's not, then there's always this forum.... I have been overwhelmed and very touched by the support and considered responses I have received - they have helped enormously.

 

Hope this helps - remember it will not be easy - but you will feel great afterwards.

 

xxxxx

[toloveornottolove]

Hey, I can relate to you, and I think many people reading this have felt like you are feeling before. I think your feelings are a symptom of something deeper inside you: do you value yourself? do you feel worth loving? are you happy in your own skin? If not you're experiencing low self-esteem, and a low self-esteem in a relationship wreaks havoc ... you run the risk of eventually pushing her away with your dependence. I have been where you are and I decided to get professional help to address those feelings. I highly recommend you getting some therapy or counselling for your self-esteem. How do you feel about getting help? Do you see it as a weakness? Believe me, it's not. It's a brave move... by getting help you are taking control of your life and helping to heal yourself, instead of looking for someone else to do this. A girlfriend or boyfriend cannot heal you, as much as they try, as they are too intertwined with your problem. Does that make sense? I think you need to work through this with someone who is trained, outside your immediate life and can help you objectively and provide the support you need right now.

 

Any thoughts?

[arwen]

Hey,

 

Here's another one who's been going through that kind of emotions. It sounds like you have fear of abandonment, and by that you grew emotional dependent on your girlfriend. It takes time to change this, but as Rozanne said, it's a good thing you discovered this about yourself before it harmed your relationship.

 

I don't know if you recognize this kind of process, it might sound familiar to you:

 

Situation: suppose she is a bit distant on the phone.

 

1. You immediately think that this is in fact the truth (rather than your perception of it)

2. you jump to the conclusion that it must have to do with you and the relationship

3. you start analysing everything that preceded this situation to figure out what could you did wrong such that she is distant

4. you convince yourself that she will break up with you because of the reason you figured out for her being distant

5. the next time you see her you are looking really hard for reassurance from her side, you need to know things are going ok in the relationship even more than normal and you crave for affection or 'I love you' or 'I missed you'

6. if what you are looking for (reassurance in any form stated in the above) is not there, this is for you an extra reason to assume it's not ok and you start worrying all over again.

 

Well, let's just say that I have gone through these emotions and reactions/behaviour in a situation like this. I had that going on in 3 relationships.

 

What happens here is that there is some kind of background thought in your head that thinks "I don't deserve to be happy like this in a relationship" or "I am not good enough for her". Or something to that extent. Everytime there is a tiny thing that could actually confirm these thoughts, they start to speak loudly in your head, "See, I KNEW it, she is going to break up with me"; "I KNEW it, she's gonna cheat on me, she likes someone else better etc."

 

This can lead to controlling behaviour in the relationship. Fear is really an all-consuming emotion. Being newly-in-love is too. In both situations you can't stop thinking about the other person, in both you can feel totally filled with butterflies. However in case of the latter, the butterflies are happy and give you energy. In case of fear, they are more like musquitos that sting you and keep ringing your ears.

 

It feels like a total obsession, while all you want is to feel like yourself and not like this bundle of fear that isn't able to distinct your person from hers.

 

This is my experience, and if you can recognize this, I think you might consider therapy. It's not like you are ill or crazy, it's just that you are too scared to really love someone and being loved by someone. You only feel the fear, which makes you obsessive. I have had cognitive behavioural therapy for this. I had to make situation-thought-feeling-behaviour schemes. This was to see what was the background thought that made me so vulnerable in intimate relationships.

 

There is a great book that I keep on recommending here, which is a practical guide in this sort of therapy: "Reinventing your Life", by Young&Klosko. You can search it on the main page http://www.enotalone.com, I think there is a review of it and a link to http://www.amazon.com

 

I hope this helped you. I can tell you that it's really possible to get out of this pattern, even if you feel really trapped and exhausted from it.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[Beec]

You find yourself too dependent on your gf, and you want to become more independent? Well, knowing what you want is the step in getting it. The second step is figuring out how to get it.

 

One of the things I see in couples that are not very dependent on each other is there having interests outside the relationship, things that keep their minds and time full. Do you have interests outside the relationship besdies your day to day stuff and how occupied does your day to day stuff keep your mind? If you don't have interests, then maybe you should try to develop some more.

 

Good luck.

[fly8405]

Thank you so much guys. I am so glad that I have a community of support. I really want her to help me. I have let this harm the relationship. I love her a lot, but she also likes to do things with me. She likes to do pretty much everything with me and I love that but i don't think that is healthy. She tells me that she would never leave me that I am the one etc. etc. I just want to grow back into who i was. Become that man again. The one that believed in myself but I find it hard because I am scared of making change and that change may affect our relationship. We broke up and got back together because I missed her so much. I told her that we both have to work on this and she really wants to, so i guess that is a good thing.

[fly8405]

I am also so scared of losing her. i think that anything I do will higher the risk of losing her, and I don't want that. I am scared of change because that might change the relationship. I want to save it!

[Rozanne]

Making a conscious effort to change yourself for the better is NEVER a bad idea!!!!

 

Be kind to yourself - you seem like a really considerate person already. You have thought about her feelings and balanced them against your own and decided that you need to become more independent - for the good of your relationship and for your own mental health.

 

This is such a good idea - don't doubt yourself - go for it!!!!!!!

[toloveornottolove]

Of course you are afraid of losing her....and that is the problem. You cannot bear the thought of life without her, cannot bear the feelings of'abandonment' and rejection. This is healthy to a certain degree... but if it dominates your thoughts and behaviour, it's unhealthy. So many of us have been there, or are there right now... I seriously advise you to get outside help for these feelings before you run yourself into the ground with over-analyzing and constant thinking about these things.

 

Therapy and counselling are SELF-DEVELOPMENT tools. Do you want to stop feeling like this? Then develop and work on these fears... believe me, it'll help you so much.

[justsweetgirl]

I think "toloveornottolove" hit the nail on the head. You are afraid of losing your girlfriend, but you have already lost yourself due to your codependency. I wish you well.

[fly8405]

this is very hard. I did see professinal help yesterday and all they told me was "you need to get over it and start thinking about yourself". They also said that I most likely will lose her because relationships at this age don't work out. I love her soooooo much but I am so scared of all these things. I am going crazy over this. I can't get her out of my mind and I am scared that she is not happy with me. I don't know if I should try to spend less time with her. We always see each other. Everyday. I wonder if she really cares about me.