What can I do?

[Charliegrey]

Hi all,

 

I don't want to bore you with all the details but needless to say I thought I had found my soul mate, so did he, so did everyone we knew. We're both in our 30's we were long distance and life/children/work was taking its toll on us. Within the space of a week he had gone quite distant he still told me loved me every day, but my gut was telling me something was wrong....I asked him outright, and I couldn't get a straight answer lots of vagueness and uncertainty and this culminated in me stating that it was obvious it wasn't working for him anymore and we should just end it.

 

He ignored me, I got mad, I thought he had just taken an easy get out as when he did message me he blamed me for ending it, but it really wasn't what I wanted, and I made that very clear. Texting him, trying to call him got me no where - everything I said was twisted and thrown in my face. I went for no contact, honestly believing that it would work that we would be able to sort it out - that we would both want that, I mean you don't spend years loving someone telling them you want to spend the rest of your life together to just cut them out of your life forever do you?

 

Apparently yes, you do as after less than a month he was with someone new.

 

I didn't contact him again.

 

Three months later he's engaged 😦

 

I'm blocked out. I don't understand.

 

Is that it? I didn't even get a phone call or an opportunity to talk to this guy, the man that I thought I would be with forever, who told me that he'd never leave me? - is this a rebound? Or the real deal? Should I be doing something or just accepting that he wasn't the person I thought he was? I'm so dumb founded and have no idea how to handle it.

[Wiseman2]

Wow sorry to hear this. It sounds like he found someone more local quite a while back but finally precipitated a breakup. Stay no contact of course. Things will get clearer and you will realize more in retrospect.

 

How long were you dating? How often did you see each other?

I asked him outright, and I couldn't get a straight answer lots of vagueness and uncertainty Texting him, trying to call him got me no where

Apparently yes, you do as after less than a month he was with someone new.

Three months later he's engaged

[Charliegrey]

thank you for replying wise man, we were together almost two years - I know it's not that long, but honestly it's the best relationship I'd ever had, and only his second relationship ever.

 

Both of our families and friends were buying hats - I never felt like this was a one sided relationship (I've had plenty of those!)

 

I don't know if it makes it better or worse, but I honestly don't believe he cheated - his marriage previous was full of her infidelity and I just can't imagine he would have been capable.

 

We saw each other frequently our jobs were both flexible enough to allow us to spend weekends and school holidays together.

 

I feel like I've done the major mourning part - I've lost weight, got my hair cut but it still stings. I want to learn from this, I just want to understand as I feel like this one person has destroyed my faith in love. If I could rationalise it or just have some understanding then I can forgive and trust again.

[browser]

There is no such thing as a soulmate.

 

You were much more into him than he was to you.

 

He met someone he likes better.

 

That's all there is to it.

[Ms Darcy]

Wow, that's cold blooded of him. I know it's hard but try not to pay too much attention to what he's doing. If you do, then your healing will slow down a lot.

 

Have you considered talking to a therapist to help you talk yourself through closure?

[meoww]

Not everything can be rationalized, sadly. Did he really mean the things he said, you'll probably never know. It's not right for a partner to withhold their emotions from you and treat you with a lack of respect and empathy just because of a break up, but it happens a lot. At first it seems impossible, unfair even, to find a different way to process the grief. But it can be so freeing and empowering to finally come to terms with not knowing. You won't lose the ability to be vulnerable or to love, but it won't be quite the same. I think it's better! "Trust, but verify," is not a bad way to live at all. It sounds like you just got horribly unlucky this time.

 

We tend to want to bargain with our grief, to reassure ourselves that it is all part of a larger journey toward our true purpose. There is a bit of truth in that, there is something to be gained by analyzing and putting things into context. I'm five years out from a relationship with someone who I lost all trust in, and I learned so much by dissecting the corpse of our relationship until it just couldn't be done anymore. Still, even supposed soul mates seem pretty ordinary once you have finally healed, he doesn't occupy a special place in my heart. This guy once told me I was part of his family, and years down the line, total radio silence, zero effort. Maybe he "feels" something for me, but it doesn't mean anything really.

 

Ambiguity and unanswered questions have caused more damage than heartbreak for me in the past, and I never thought I would be able to understand the people who don't care to know all the details. Now I can't imagine putting my well being on the line to torture myself in that way.

 

Even if he had made a totally unexpected connection with someone else, there was never any reason to hurt or confuse you in the process. If he was at all decent he would have wanted the best for you too. Maybe it's time to consider that you didn't know the real him. Blaming and guilt trips are not suddenly acceptable when you want to distance yourself, he knows better, he just didn't care.

 

I know people who are like this, they have one set of standards for the people in their inner circle and another for the people who aren't. We all operate like that to some extent but it can be more distinct in some people.

 

Two years sounds about right, that's when all the feel good chemicals start wearing off. Even if he has found his happy ending, the way he handled it was incredibly self-centered.

 

It seemed like a fairly clean break until the part about the guilt trips. That stands out to me, could it be a guilty conscience at work? Congrats to you for handling such a disappointment and heartache so well. I'm sure you will meet someone who deserves your love. The way I see it, you are moving on up.

[Charliegrey]

Thanks Browser - I guess that's what it comes down to yes, that's the blatant truth. You could answer every question on this site with 'they're just not into you' it works for every scenario huh? I guess I hate to think badly of people and to accept your diagnosis would just make this guy the worst man alive for lying so much, being so deceitful, blatantly acting out a non existent relationship - to what end? there were no signs, no red flags, it came from no-where.

 

Mrs Darcy, you are right, I was doing so well until I saw the engagement stuff - I'd have been better not knowing it has sent me into a new spiral of hopelessness and confusion, but in some ways that might be necessary to accept it for what it is/was? I'm not sure talking has helped me, it tends to just prolong the agony, send me further down a black hole and allow myself to wallow in self pity - I don't want to visit that place. Just hearing the various points of view on here is very helpful.

 

Thanks Meoww for putting in the time to reply, your words makes a lot of sense. He did have clear distinctions between inner/outer citcles - generally everyone on the outside was bad. He'd had a difficult life, and had an absolute lack of empathy for people in general. I recognised this early on as I'm very empathic, but he was never that cold with me before, I guess that's my own fault for believing he never would be. He suffered from autism, anxiety and depression, I think knowing that he isn't a mentally stable person has helped me get through, but has also confused me as to whether this was my fault, whether I should have done more to reassure him or something.

 

However you look at it, having a mental illness does not give you the right to treat people so badly.... it was always his excuse, so very cowardly.

[Iggy5129]

I also think he met this woman long before the break up. And you admit that he wasn't a very empathetic person so it's not surprising he could act so cold. He met her, tried her out and when he decided he wanted only her that's when he withdrew from you.

[Charliegrey]

Yes Iggy, I guess it's something that's hard for me to accept but blatantly obvious to everyone else.....right?

[Ms Darcy]

Talking to a therapist may help you focus on moving forward/goals versus looking back at the relationship.

[browser]

Thanks Browser - I guess that's what it comes down to yes, that's the blatant truth. You could answer every question on this site with 'they're just not into you' it works for every scenario huh?

 

It's not always like that. For example my exwife, we were into each other, we had a solid connection, intimacy was great, but we just couldn't find a common ground when it came to spending vs saving and raising our children, she was too permissive, I was too controlling (or so she said). She became very short tempered and quick to anger, she triggered me and we fought, all the time.

 

A subsequent girlfriend I dumped because she wasn't into things that I was, such as scuba diving, horseback riding, skiing. I want, rather I need to have these qualities in my woman, no I don't want to do them with guy friends I want to do them with my partner. She was smart, sexy, and we connected but she fell way short when it came to doing those activities so I dumped her.

 

Another girlfriend was just, I don't know.. wacky. Fun to be with, did all those activities but she started getting so clingy, needy and possessive, she wanted so much of my time I felt smothered.

 

Another was just too religious for me. I thought it wouldn't bother me but it did. Another worked such long hours I swear she must have been doing cocaine to keep her going on those 12 hour back to back nursing shifts because she'd just collapse and was half asleep much of the time we were together. It just got.. boring.

 

I can think of at least 3 other relationships that just didn't work for me despite the fact that I was "into her".

 

So with my marriage, we just couldn't get along anymore. In other cases, it was just being in two different places, looking for different things or you forget how to resolve conflict. Or you just start to feel smothered because the other person wants more.