Having a hard time healing

[Viceroy]

Hi everyone,

I was dumped five months ago, from a three-year relationship, and moving on has been very hard for me. I have forgiven her for dumping me, and I do not hold any angry feelings towards her whatsoever. The day she dumped me, she had another man lined up (a friend of hers, who had wanted to date her for a long time, she told me she didn’t plan for it to happen like that, but it happened regardless).

I still love the girl very much, and I made major mistakes in the relationship (I wasn’t a very happy person, had a negative attitude, always wanted to have sex, didn’t want to plan dates, those were the big things). But there was so much good I did do: I helped her pay her school bill, took her to work and school (she didn’t have a car at the time). I blame myself for the breakup, and I understand now that it was my fault, and I was a terrible boyfriend.

I am having a tough time moving on, but I am doing the right things. I am challenging myself, physically and mentally. I go to the gym almost every day, and I pushing myself to get out of the house more and do things. It’s hard sometimes, but I know I am making progress, and I am proud of that. My university offers counseling, and I have been going even before the breakup. I journal a lot too. I am not the person I was when I was dating her, and I am glad that I am changing, but it has come at a terrible price.

I am graduating from my University next May, but I will not attend the ceremony, partly because I don’t want to see her there, with her new boyfriend cheering her on (he is a college dropout, works at a bank now). I say this because I helped her logistically through school, and it was tough on me at times, but I was helping for three years, he is there for her at the end of a long road.

We don’t talk much at all anymore, and I decided I would not text her anymore, I only respond politely when she does text me. It’s been very hard on me. I saw her the other night, she pulled into a car cleaning place, apparently, she was behind me, and we talked for about 5 or so minutes. I then let her go, and she ended up texting me how happy she was to see me, and said she wish she could tell others how she really feels. I just responded it was good to see you too, and I am glad everything is good with you too.

Anyways, what I am asking here is two things. How can I continue to move forward, I am doing a lot of positive things: counseling, gym, and journaling, in addition to, stepping outside of my normal comfort zone? Secondly, is it reasonable to hope that she comes back one day? I really would like another shot with her, but I understand that she is happy with her new boyfriend, and I realize there is nothing I can really do about it, other than continue to work on myself, and become a better man. It’s just so hard, even after 5 months I feel so bad. That night I saw her, on the way home I started to cry hard, it was very painful. I know the relationship is over, but I love this girl so much. I don’t wish anything bad on her, nor do I wish for her relationship to end with the new guy. Am I doing the right things?

[Reflections11]

Sorry to hear. Three months is a long time and so it's normal to expect healing to take a while. But you are healing, even though some days it doesn't feel like it.

 

I think you are doing all the right things. Getting in ood shape, counseling, finishing school etc.

 

I can't tell you what to do, but if it was me I would really initiate no contact, and actually I would block her number. Little things like her texting how happy she is to see you are really nice but they devastate the healing process and make it hard to ever move forward. I know it seems harsh but she broke up with you, and you gotta take care of yourself now. While it's normal to hope she comes back some day, I don't think it's a reasonable thing to focus on. That hope will just keep you hanging on while she has somebody else. The best thing you can do for yourself is keep bettering yourself physically, socially, emotionally. Focus on preventing yourself from repeating your major mistakes in future relationships. And do whatever you can to cut her out of your life. It's like walking around with a splinter in your foot. You don't want to pull it out but you wont heal if it's there.

 

Just stay engaged in life and see what good things start to happen. And be patient with yourself

[Viceroy]

Thank you for your reply! Yes, we dated for three years, so it has been very hard. I am thankful for your response, and you're right about the no contact, that's why I really don't text her on my own anymore, I only reply briefly. I am so sad, but I am doing the best I can. I thought a long time about what I would do with graduation coming up, I won't say anything to her about it I will just write a long letter in my own journal about it, expressing my thoughts etc... I promised myself a long time ago that I will work hard and never repeat these particular mistakes again, thanks friend!

[RoseTXx]

Hi everyone,

I was dumped five months ago, from a three-year relationship, and moving on has been very hard for me. I have forgiven her for dumping me, and I do not hold any angry feelings towards her whatsoever. The day she dumped me, she had another man lined up (a friend of hers, who had wanted to date her for a long time, she told me she didn’t plan for it to happen like that, but it happened regardless).

I still love the girl very much, and I made major mistakes in the relationship (I wasn’t a very happy person, had a negative attitude, always wanted to have sex, didn’t want to plan dates, those were the big things). But there was so much good I did do: I helped her pay her school bill, took her to work and school (she didn’t have a car at the time). I blame myself for the breakup, and I understand now that it was my fault, and I was a terrible boyfriend.

I am having a tough time moving on, but I am doing the right things. I am challenging myself, physically and mentally. I go to the gym almost every day, and I pushing myself to get out of the house more and do things. It’s hard sometimes, but I know I am making progress, and I am proud of that. My university offers counseling, and I have been going even before the breakup. I journal a lot too. I am not the person I was when I was dating her, and I am glad that I am changing, but it has come at a terrible price.

I am graduating from my University next May, but I will not attend the ceremony, partly because I don’t want to see her there, with her new boyfriend cheering her on (he is a college dropout, works at a bank now). I say this because I helped her logistically through school, and it was tough on me at times, but I was helping for three years, he is there for her at the end of a long road.

We don’t talk much at all anymore, and I decided I would not text her anymore, I only respond politely when she does text me. It’s been very hard on me. I saw her the other night, she pulled into a car cleaning place, apparently, she was behind me, and we talked for about 5 or so minutes. I then let her go, and she ended up texting me how happy she was to see me, and said she wish she could tell others how she really feels. I just responded it was good to see you too, and I am glad everything is good with you too.

Anyways, what I am asking here is two things. How can I continue to move forward, I am doing a lot of positive things: counseling, gym, and journaling, in addition to, stepping outside of my normal comfort zone? Secondly, is it reasonable to hope that she comes back one day? I really would like another shot with her, but I understand that she is happy with her new boyfriend, and I realize there is nothing I can really do about it, other than continue to work on myself, and become a better man. It’s just so hard, even after 5 months I feel so bad. That night I saw her, on the way home I started to cry hard, it was very painful. I know the relationship is over, but I love this girl so much. I don’t wish anything bad on her, nor do I wish for her relationship to end with the new guy. Am I doing the right things?

You are incredibly strong for posting about this. Some breakups are hell. Heartbreak is not something that can be easily explained, it's both an extremely physical and mental shift in your brain and body. Don't let anyone tell you that there's a time limit to your grieving process. Take a whole damn year if you need it. Nobody was in your relationship except for you and her, so how could anybody truly understand the pain that you feel? As someone who has experienced heartbreak one too many times in her adult life, I can tell you from experience, nothing in this entire world hurts more than losing someone you love.

 

You're doing all the right things, but there is no real antidote to fixing a broken heart. Time, 100% of the time, heals better than anything YOU could try to do for yourself now. Until enough time had passed, you will feel that pain. Even feeling that pain in small increments is difficult, but I promise you that it will get easier. Without a doubt.

 

I know you posted this a while ago. You had replied to my post earlier so I decided to check out your profile. Hope you're feeling better. Feel free to reply if you need someone to talk to.

[Viceroy]

Thanks so much!!! It's been a long road, and I have to stay that i am definitely doing better than day one. I am going to head back to counseling soon, I am still pretty upset about the whole thing. I really believed that none of the issues I had were issues that couldn't be fixed. She didn't even care that I was going to counseling I miss her so much sometimes, but things have gotten a little easier. I don't talk to her anymore, it's just too painful. I thought about going to my graduation in May, but I just can't, it would bring up too many feelings that I am trying to put at ease.

 

I am kinda worried now what if i don't find anyone, what if I am not cut out for the whole dating scene? Are those normal feelings?? I've been playing around with Tinder, not looking for any relationship, just using it to physically see that there are other women out there. It's just so hard sometimes, the feeling of a physical pain is gone. But, I am really trying to push myself. I feel like I am 50% over the relationship, now I need to go beyond just coping.

[No1]

Do you want validation? You want a cookie from your X? Do you want her to say she misses you or that she still thinks of you? I dont think you have fully accepted its over and you feel entitled to something. You want her back... you are still holding a candle for her in hopes that one say she says I made a huge mistake and comes back to you.. Just by saying this.. you have put your life on hold in hopes that if she comes back she will know where to find you. You should move forward without her in your life and get rid of the idea of her coming back. You can say all the right things like "I know its over, I know she is not coming back" then you ruin everything by saying "Do you think she will come back?" If you say that, then nothing you said previously matters because you are holding a spot open in your heart for her. To move forward, you have to put her in your past.. Not saying forget about her, just saying put the relationship behind you.

 

You also said that she didnt care that you were in therapy..Who the hell cares if she cares or not. Are you doing it for her or for you? Are you going because maybe it will show her that you are doing something? Is this all a show? If you are doing it for you, then thats all that matters. Should not matter what she thinks...

 

So leads me to ask... why are you doing all of this? You say the right things.. you say you are going to counseling, the gym and so on, but is this for her or for you?

 

Now this is just my own opinion, but if you are still writing everything down after 5 months, then perhaps all the writing is hurting you rather than helping you. Every time you sit down and write, you are allowing the flood of emotions to come thru again. You cry and you relive all those moments and to me, what you are doing is picking at a wound. IMO writing everything down is nice, but it comes to a point that it hurts you rather than helping you.

 

Now... you understand the break up, you know why it happened and you have a finality of the relationship. You had a great 3 years, you made mistakes and so did she, but its time for you to admit that its over. You two are on different paths and you shouldnt try to keep yours next to hers and you should not keep in touch with her in any way. Just let her know that you are letting her go, have a great life and maybe in a few years you two can reconnect, right now, you have to step away from the situation and you go on your own life.

 

You will find another girl someday, its mathematically impossible for you not to. But some girl isnt going to knock on your door and say "Here I am", you have to put yourself out there. If you want to meet people, then go where people are. But first... make yourself happy.

[Viceroy]

WOW, thanks NO1!!! I wrote this back in December, but you're right, I haven't journaled in about a month. Last time I spoke to her was via a text message on January first, just me saying happy New Year. I think I am putting this behind me, it's just difficult. I saw her at school the other day, and I am keeping my distance, I saw she goes into the building via a certain path, I am taking the opposite. I am trying, I really believe that I've gotten over it 50%, now I need to push myself even further to forget about it. I am getting there, do you really think I am not making progress???

[Viceroy]

No1, I take your points very well, and appreciate your advice. But, I just wanted to say that I was in counseling before she left, she never cared that I was going, and by going, it meant that I was taking a huge step to address my issues. But you're right, none of that even matters anyway.

[Rick1985]

Just let yourself heal naturally keep doing what your doing your someone for me to look up to I'm no contact 7 days after begging and pleading for a month I'm fine one day not so fine the next day. I think it's important to keep doing the right things.

 

I've vanished from my ex life this last week we have lots of mutual friends but I've taken myself away to heal.

[empath]

I agree that it's always hard. You sound like you're doing a tremendous job of self-reflection and self-criticism, particularly for a young person (I'm assuming here, sorry if that's incorrect!). When I was in college, I was much poorer and looking at my own behaviors, specifically in romantic relationships, critically. I just didn't know what the hell was going on one way or the other, frankly!

 

However, it's probably good if you're not too self-critical. It does take time, and it does get (slightly!) easier as you get older – particularly if you are insightful about why the relationship didn't work. Don't be too hard on yourself for a certain timeline. Your feelings are natural, and you are taking all the right steps (including counseling, which is terrific).

 

It sounds like regret plays a big role in your feelings. Regret can be very heavy. It also can be a tool for thinking we had more control than we actually had. Control is double-edged: sometimes we want to believe we have less of it than we do (for example, when we hurt someone's feelings and the guilt approaches us). But more often, I think, we want to believe we had more control than we did. It's possible you were a boyfriend! It's great to think about that for your next (yes, next, it will come) relationship: to see how you can be more open, honest, and empathetic (the basic things most people need). However. Regret also, again, suggests that you messed up – you had control. But what if you didn't? A scary thought... maybe she would have broken up with me no matter what. Or, as is likely the case, you two just weren't an optimal pairing.

 

It may be part of letting go (very painful, I know) to say, well, maybe I couldn't have stopped it. If there's any way to reach a healthy level of self-analysis to be a better person, while not beating yourself up and regretting to maintain that narrative, I would say try for it. I would bet you will be ready for that soon, if you aren't already.

 

As for the dating, well, none of us is really super-well cut out for it. Most of us are not perfect and find it difficult! Few of us are Hollywood stories. But if you keep putting yourself out there and trying to be a good person, you will without question have success. And you will, of course, look back on this differently in years' time (she may have moved on from that guy, you may be in a happy relationship – and at least, thank god, you won't have to be facing her at university all the time!).

[Viceroy]

Thanks so much Empath!!!! You've given me a lot of insight and prospective to think about The strongest emotion I felt in this breakup was guilt! A few months ago it was terrible, the guilt was like a heavy weight pressing down on me, I didn't know how to manage it. What eased my feelings of guilt was forgiveness, I forgave her for dumping me and instantly dating another man, and more importantly, I have forgiven myself for my role leading to the breakup.

 

The last six months have been about coping, now I am working towards self actualization, I am constantly asking myself how can I implement real, positive change? I've brought my whole personality into question, and I do need to take care to not rip myself to shreds. I miss her a lot, but she's no longer a part of my life anymore, and it's just how it has to be. In my heart I know this isn't what I would have wanted, but it isn't only about me.

 

Thanks again for the great insight, I have realized that this breakup (and healing period) is an excellent time for me to investigate aspects of my personality and life that could be improved upon. I will work towards self-analysis- without self-destruction!

 

Thanks so much

[No1]

viceroy... you are going to be okay. Funny that sometimes it scares people to be happy again. Its like a guilt to allow themselves to be happy again. As if being happy again is forgetting the relationship or saying the past didnt matter. When in fact its our past that makes us who we are today.

Im not saying thats you... just an observation..

You will be happy again my ENA friend..