no contact blog - the road to happiness

[Sorrento]

Hello,

 

So today is day one of my no contact. I am not going to put a time frame on this, as my no contact will be for good - BUT I know this is going to be hard and it's sometimes much easier to write everything down rather than keep it whirling around in my brain indefinitely.

 

Things I know to be true:

 

1. there are no answers, and any contact will not give me answers, only more pain

2. I want to move on with my life and be with someone who loves me and I love in return

3. this is going to hurt a lot but I WILL BE OK

 

I know that grieving is a process I have to go through and I know that there will be many stages, and that those stages do not follow a pattern or order (and sometimes you hop in between the stages, backwards and forwards). I want to do this, I want to process it and I want to come out the other side a better person, having learned all I can.

 

I have unwavering faith in myself (and in everyone going through their own struggles), that if I choose to believe that this will be for the best, then it will be. I plan to update this (hopefully not every five minutes!) as a way to let the constant stream of thoughts and memories out without self destructing.

 

Here goes.... Day one has started, no contact since yesterday afternoon when I asked him to drop my things to me last night (and leave them in my postbox) and said I didn't want to talk. Haven't heard anything, haven't got my things back.

 

Onwards and upwards!

[membername]

Sending positive vibes to you!

[Sorrento]

Sending positive vibes to you!

 

Thank you membername, it's so helpful to know we are all trying to just get through our problems and can be kind to each other in the process. I am fully aware I am in the very early stages, but overall it's been a pretty positive day. No longer feel the need to overthink everything, am just getting on and keeping my chin up. I am sure that will change with time and I will have dreadful days, but hopefully this blog will comfort me that it isn't all bad and I can do it!

 

Thank you lots!

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Getting your stuff back is a good way to sever any loose ends and begin moving on and healing.

Day one has started, no contact since yesterday afternoon when I asked him to drop my things to me last night (and leave them in my postbox) and said I didn't want to talk. Haven't heard anything, haven't got my things back.

[Sorrento]

I quite agree - that was the idea behind me asking him to drop it all off. He hasn't as yet, but I am not going to chase. If I don't have it back before the new year then I will send a friend over to get it. no contact required that way.

 

One of the things I find unecessarily cruel in these situations is him not just giving the stuff back. If I weren't so convinced it is past all repair, this would give me false hope that he doesn't want to severe ties. When in actual fact, it is simply more mind games or blatant disrespect for me (again).

 

Anyway. He is not in charge of this process, I am. I am choosing to rise above it and not engage any more. And may I come out the other side transformed into my best self, as I will use this time to heal and grow.

 

Thanks for your comments on my other post wiseman - it was the verbal kick I needed to see sense

 

Excellent. Getting your stuff back is a good way to sever any loose end and begin moving on and healing.

[Wiseman2]

This is the way "He is not in charge of this process, I am", it doesn't rely on him dropping anything off.

I will send a friend over to get it.

[LegalGirl2009]

good luck on your journey!

[membername]

Thank you membername, it's so helpful to know we are all trying to just get through our problems and can be kind to each other in the process. I am fully aware I am in the very early stages, but overall it's been a pretty positive day. No longer feel the need to overthink everything, am just getting on and keeping my chin up. I am sure that will change with time and I will have dreadful days, but hopefully this blog will comfort me that it isn't all bad and I can do it!

 

Thank you lots!

 

Yep, I've been where you are and it does hurt. But you have the right mindframe which is to just move forward.

 

Yes, folks get very petty and you see their true self in times like this. Which is immaturity.

 

Keep going, its only up from here

[Sorrento]

good luck on your journey!

 

Thank you legalgirl - hopefully it will help others a bit too once I'm more into it. Expecting it to be a rollercoaster but I'm ready for the challenge!

[cyssan]

Good luck! Grief really is a rollercoaster ride, but you can do it. You're not alone in the journey

[Sorrento]

Good luck! Grief really is a rollercoaster ride, but you can do it. You're not alone in the journey

 

Thank you cyssan. It is a great comfort to know we aren't alone isn't it. So when things get tough we can feel supported together - I really love that

[Sorrento]

So today is the start of day 2. Yesterday went well, full day with no contact, I have blocked him on everything social media and to be honest I am not even tempted to try and look. Full disclosure - I haven't blocked his number on my phone yet - BUT this is only because I deleted it before I thought to block him and I don't know it off by heart. I am hoping to find it on my online mobile billing account and when I do it will get blocked.

 

I previously mentioned that I had asked him to give my things back and I didn't want to talk. He was supposed to do this on Monday night but he didn't get in touch (and I didn't because I had deleted his number already!) and I didn't find anything in my postbox either. There had been talk of if he couldn't drop it monday then he said he would leave it in my postbox last night. Checked this morning, surprise surprise - nothing in the postbox. I said before that I find this particularly cruel because if I was not in such a strong place mentally right now, this would hurt - afterall, why not just drop it off and be done. Sometimes people can be ridiculously odd, and the game playing in these situations gets to be painful for everyone. However - I am still carrying on moving forwards with baby steps, and I am choosing to not consider the whys - only the facts. The facts are he is no good for me, contact will hurt, him not dropping my stuff makes no real difference (I will ask a friend to go and get it for me), and if it was meant to be then it wouldn't be this way now.

 

I am hoping I can keep this strength again today. I feel a little nervous that it will hit me at some point and I am scared of that pain. Sometimes I feel a little rush of anxiety when I think about how he was with me and what he is up to with the new girl, but I find it helps me a lot to refocus and choose not to worry about what he is doing (afterall, it is only me assuming things, I have no way of knowing, and it actually doesn't make any difference to my life unless I let it). Another thing I like to think of is he is not the man I thought he was. The man I miss, and wish it was different with, doesn't exist now. He wouldn't behave in this way, so he is gone. I don't miss who he is now, because I don't know that person.

 

I am reminding myself that everything changes, nothing stays the same. That is true for the good and bad in life, and it reminds me that this won't last, I won't miss him or hurt forever, and one day I will feel indifferent - even if that feels a million years away, it will come to be.

 

I feel a bit self-indulgent writing all of this (I am pretty shy really) - but I am trying to pour it out, to help me, and also in the hopes it might give someone else a bit of hope too.

 

Thanks to everyone cheering me along - it gives me even more strength and determination! I hope that this helps someone, even one person. Here we go on day 2....

[membername]

You're doing great. Keep it up. Diverting your mind when he comes up does help. Or for me when I think of our good times I remind my self of how he really is and the horrible things he's done and said. Cause after all you don't treat or talk to people you love like that.

 

Hope you have a great day.

[Sorrento]

You're doing great. Keep it up. Diverting your mind when he comes up does help. Or for me when I think of our good times I remind my self of how he really is and the horrible things he's done and said. Cause after all you don't treat or talk to people you love like that.

 

Hope you have a great day.

 

Thank you membername - this came at exactly the right time. Just had a big old cry at lunch with my friend. Lots of thoughts just pounced on me and I feel anxious and sad and confused. All of which is normal, I know. I just want to try and minimise these feelings as fast as possible. I again caught myself worrying about why my stuff hasn't been left for me as I asked. It is just mean to string it out like this and I don't think I gave him any reason to behave in this way. I know I have no control over his behaviour, only my reaction to it, which is why i haven't chased it up or contacted to ask why. I just wish I could control the emotions as well I guess, stop the wondering and focus on moving forwards.

 

But I am strong, and I have got over worse. I don't want to cry anymore. They don't change anything and just make me feel desolate

[membername]

Thank you membername - this came at exactly the right time. Just had a big old cry at lunch with my friend. Lots of thoughts just pounced on me and I feel anxious and sad and confused. All of which is normal, I know. I just want to try and minimise these feelings as fast as possible. I again caught myself worrying about why my stuff hasn't been left for me as I asked. It is just mean to string it out like this and I don't think I gave him any reason to behave in this way. I know I have no control over his behaviour, only my reaction to it, which is why i haven't chased it up or contacted to ask why. I just wish I could control the emotions as well I guess, stop the wondering and focus on moving forwards.

 

But I am strong, and I have got over worse. I don't want to cry anymore. They don't change anything and just make me feel desolate

 

You are very welcome, happy to help in any way.

 

Just remember its the first stage, so things will be raw. Let your emotions flow as it is a natural process. It's a loss as with anything, you grieve and move forward. You did invest time with this the person you thought he was. But You can't at the same time stay in grief. Acknowledge your feelings and keep it moving. Just take things one day at a time. Only focus on that day. As you said, this will pass. Sooner or later you will have your stuff back and be done with this guy.

 

Keep it up. *Hugs*

[luisannalui]

Today is my first day of no contact as well, Good luck! We can do this!

[Sorrento]

Still day 2, still no contact. The feelings of desolation have gone. I'm mostly ok again. Just puzzled about how I got myself to this stage in the first place. I thought (like so many of us) I was stronger and better than this. I will be again, I'm sure of it.

 

Also for the first time I'm genuinely nervous about "dating". What a scary prospect again....

[Belle2017]

Good luck with your process. I appreciate you sharing - it's great to read someone so authentic and positive

[Sorrento]

Thank you Belle - I'm trying to be positive but also let out the "crazy" as I've taken to calling the rollercoaster emotions.

 

Slept a total of about 2 hours.... woke up at 2.30am to a message from one of my dearest friends to say she had got engaged. I'm overjoyed for her, and was full of happiness and hope when I replied to her.

 

And then the crazy. Why am I not engaged? They survived cheating and many many other dramas. Will I ever find someone? I miss him. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me. I don't think he doesn't want me. I don't think he doesn't love me. I don't know why we can never get it to work. I know exactly why we couldn't make it work. Why can't he just leave my stuff as I've asked so it is closed and done? What will happen if he proposes to the new girl? How will I cope? Why am I the one hurting. He was hurting too.

 

Round and round the thoughts go, keeping me awake, bringing tears and fury and numbness, one by one or a strange mix of all three.

 

I know the answer to all of my crazy rollercoaster thoughts. But the answer doesn't stop them.

 

I cannot wait to see my therapist tomorrow. My last appointment with her she agreed with me that the best plan would be for me to for the first time in my life tell him exactly how I feel and what I want. What a difference 14 days makes.

 

Sorry this isn't particularly positive. It's so fresh and raw and painful right now. My heart hurts, my soul is tired. But I can't sleep, so it will continue for now

 

Everything changes, nothing stays the same.

Everything changes, nothing stays the same.

Everything changes, nothing stays the same.

[cyssan]

Don't apologize for your feelings. Just allow them. And I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. It helps.

 

I too have a similar story: I am going to attend a close friend's wedding this weekend, and will be playing love songs for the couple (as part of the orchestra). Let me tell you, it is PURE torture. Whenever I see the happy couple (they're both my friends), I also have those questions--why am I alone? What happened to my own wedding plans? What happened to the future I planned with this person whom I thought I'd grow old with? My ex and I were together for even longer than the soon-to-be wed couple, and now they're getting married?! Why not me. All those crazy (sad) things, haha.

 

I had/have so many whys/ hows, and like yours, they've sometimes kept me awake all night.....until one day, a friend (god bless her) told me that letting go also means letting go of the need to have answers to my questions. It's not an easy thing to do, of course, but my favorite poet once said, that sometimes, life doesn't give us the answers now, because we cannot handle it....YET. Someday, I know we will. I know you'll get through this too.

[Sorrento]

Thank you Cyssan - I am sorry you are having to face this heartache at the weekend. It feels strange doesn't it - feeling so happy for your friends and yet so sad for yourself. Your friend sounds very wise - and I hope I will get to that stage sooner rather than later.

 

We will get through this, yes. We have to focus on ourselves and go through this part to get to the other side. Wouldn't it be lovely if we could just get through it quicker though?! Ha

 

Thank you again

 

Day 3 no contact today. Haven't even had an urge to check any social media (he is blocked anyway so I wouldn't see, regardless) - I am pretty pleased with that. Haven't even typed out an email ready to send either (something I have always done in the past). Maybe the pain I have right now is because I am starting to accept it is done? That would explain why I am strong enough for no contact right now whereas before I wasn't. Urgh. Now I know why I have spent my life shutting down emotions. BUT I can't do that this time, not if I want to heal.

 

People keep telling me to "sit with the feeling". I have no clue how to even begin doing that. Am I supposed to just let is all fill me up until I feel like I will burst? And then what? What am I meant to feel after I have "sat" with the pain/anger/despair? Does anyone know? I am so rubbish at emotions, and I so want to get better at it. It just feels so murky and confusing and I don't know how to do it

 

I hope everyone is going to have a good day today. I am certainly going to try and pull myself out of this weird funk. I am going to be ok

[cyssan]

Congratulations on Day 3, Sorrento! Before you know it, you're on day 36.....5!

 

I used to wish to get through this quicker! I remember telling my friends I wish it was 2021 already, because by then I'm sure I wouldn't feel all the pain that I do now; by then they'd just be memories, and by then, I'd probably be telling my story to someone else without feeling anything (or we'd probably just be laughing about it haha). But I also realized that rushing through this would mean NOT learning the things that life is trying to teach me with this experience. For example, I've always thought of myself as a very, very strong person...until now. Now I'm trying to learn how much stronger I can be. I don't think we'll get this realization, and appreciate our inner strength if we just breezed through this.

 

(But these days, I wish I just could---the holidays aren't making me feel any better! T_T)

 

As to how to 'sit with the feeling'....for me it means acknowledging them. For me, they come at random times of the day--I'll suddenly feel sad in the middle of doing work, sometimes I'll feel really angry. What I do is that, I write them down, own them, and don't judge them as bad or good. They're just that....feelings. Some people think of anger as bad, and repress them. But for me, anger is just an appropriate reaction, of course, after a breakup. What's bad is if you direct your anger to other people, and/or hurt them. If they become too much, cry, or scream. Whichever works for you. I've found some momentary relief in doing that. The thing is, this cycle repeats itself. So, just let it repeat. Know that these moments pass. Over time, you'll realize that these overwhelming moments will get shorter and shorter, and occur less and less during the day.

 

Good luck!

[membername]

Thank you Cyssan - I am sorry you are having to face this heartache at the weekend. It feels strange doesn't it - feeling so happy for your friends and yet so sad for yourself. Your friend sounds very wise - and I hope I will get to that stage sooner rather than later.

 

We will get through this, yes. We have to focus on ourselves and go through this part to get to the other side. Wouldn't it be lovely if we could just get through it quicker though?! Ha

 

Thank you again

 

Day 3 no contact today. Haven't even had an urge to check any social media (he is blocked anyway so I wouldn't see, regardless) - I am pretty pleased with that. Haven't even typed out an email ready to send either (something I have always done in the past). Maybe the pain I have right now is because I am starting to accept it is done? That would explain why I am strong enough for no contact right now whereas before I wasn't. Urgh. Now I know why I have spent my life shutting down emotions. BUT I can't do that this time, not if I want to heal.

 

People keep telling me to "sit with the feeling". I have no clue how to even begin doing that. Am I supposed to just let is all fill me up until I feel like I will burst? And then what? What am I meant to feel after I have "sat" with the pain/anger/despair? Does anyone know? I am so rubbish at emotions, and I so want to get better at it. It just feels so murky and confusing and I don't know how to do it

 

I hope everyone is going to have a good day today. I am certainly going to try and pull myself out of this weird funk. I am going to be ok

 

I think I understand what you're feeling. It took me a long time to block my ex and gain the strength for NC. Months after people told me to. I dont anticipate he will contact, but i don't want to risk it.

 

I do have a numb feeling, so I think that's what you're feeling? And yeh felt in a funk for a good while. I would say to balance it, let the emotions flow but while you're pushing forward. Cause ignoring and pushing them isn't healthy, but so is wallowing in them.

 

Keep it up... I'm a bit past 30days and I'm going for 60days...then 90 onwards.

 

You can more than do this

[Sorrento]

Congratulations on Day 3, Sorrento! Before you know it, you're on day 36.....5!

 

I used to wish to get through this quicker! I remember telling my friends I wish it was 2021 already, because by then I'm sure I wouldn't feel all the pain that I do now; by then they'd just be memories, and by then, I'd probably be telling my story to someone else without feeling anything (or we'd probably just be laughing about it haha). But I also realized that rushing through this would mean NOT learning the things that life is trying to teach me with this experience. For example, I've always thought of myself as a very, very strong person...until now. Now I'm trying to learn how much stronger I can be. I don't think we'll get this realization, and appreciate our inner strength if we just breezed through this.

 

(But these days, I wish I just could---the holidays aren't making me feel any better! T_T)

 

As to how to 'sit with the feeling'....for me it means acknowledging them. For me, they come at random times of the day--I'll suddenly feel sad in the middle of doing work, sometimes I'll feel really angry. What I do is that, I write them down, own them, and don't judge them as bad or good. They're just that....feelings. Some people think of anger as bad, and repress them. But for me, anger is just an appropriate reaction, of course, after a breakup. What's bad is if you direct your anger to other people, and/or hurt them. If they become too much, cry, or scream. Whichever works for you. I've found some momentary relief in doing that. The thing is, this cycle repeats itself. So, just let it repeat. Know that these moments pass. Over time, you'll realize that these overwhelming moments will get shorter and shorter, and occur less and less during the day.

 

Good luck!

 

I know how you feel - Christmas is looming and I for the first time in ages am dreading it. BUT it's only a few days and I will make the most of seeing my family and friends, and block out what he will be doing with his new girlfriend

 

Your explanation of sitting with the feeling is very helpful - thank you. I plan to go into this with my therapist as I know it is something I am bad at. I know we have to go through it, and I know it will be worth it in the end. I just wish it wasn't so painful all the time, like it's on a constant loop in my brain.

 

I know he is going away for a long weekend tomorrow. I am terrified he will come back engaged. Probably because of the recent engagement of my friend, but not beyond the realms of possibility.

 

Then Christmas.

 

Then New Year.

 

Hopefully after all of that the pain will have dulled a little

[Sorrento]

I think I understand what you're feeling. It took me a long time to block my ex and gain the strength for NC. Months after people told me to. I dont anticipate he will contact, but i don't want to risk it.

 

I do have a numb feeling, so I think that's what you're feeling? And yeh felt in a funk for a good while. I would say to balance it, let the emotions flow but while you're pushing forward. Cause ignoring and pushing them isn't healthy, but so is wallowing in them.

 

Keep it up... I'm a bit past 30days and I'm going for 60days...then 90 onwards.

 

You can more than do this

 

Thank you membername I particularly like "let the emotions flow but while you're pushing forward". I just get stuck with how to do this. Any time I let the emotions flow, I feel like I am wallowing, like I am not moving forward. And similarly, when I feel like I am moving forward, it is because I am blocking the emotion. I don't know how to get that balance right I guess, so I end up feeling a little hopeless, that I will be trapped in the cycle far longer than needed