no contact blog - the road to happiness

[membername]

Thank you membername I particularly like "let the emotions flow but while you're pushing forward". I just get stuck with how to do this. Any time I let the emotions flow, I feel like I am wallowing, like I am not moving forward. And similarly, when I feel like I am moving forward, it is because I am blocking the emotion. I don't know how to get that balance right I guess, so I end up feeling a little hopeless, that I will be trapped in the cycle far longer than needed

 

Well I guess for me, I used that after I learned to deal with my anxiety. A while back I started having some severe anxiety that would span 3 days. And I learned how to decipher my anxiety thoughts from normal ones. At first I would try to fight it, but after reading and learning about anxiety I learned that was not the way to do it. So I would acknowledge that the thoughts are from anxiety and let them pass, dont act on them or dwell. And doing that has help tremendously. So I started doing that over the past few weeks on my breakup. That and also reminding myself of the fact that I truly wasn't happy with this person and he was in all essence, pretty mean did help. I hope I explained right. Thing is in the beginning of the relationship is where they hook you. (Well for me) So I kept wanting to go there. But they sooner or later show themselves. and thats what you have to come to terms with.

 

Also, Set a deadline. For me it a date in January, work towards that date where you would have more or less be over and have put this in the past. If you're not ready at that date, then just push it back further. But always aim for that carrot.

[Sorrento]

Thank you, as always membername. That is really helpful. I've been trying it this evening and it feels different, and that has to be good.

 

Thoughts this evening - why did I mess up? (That's not me blaming myself, I really did). Why did he mess up? Why is this thing called love so hurtful and hard sometimes when we all know it can be beautiful?

 

Why am I alone and all of my friends are coupled up. Why has he found happiness again so fast and I'm left picking up the pieces of my heart.

 

Very dramatic, I know. I know he goes away tomorrow and I'd kind of thought he would have dropped my things. Close the door. Don't leave me wondering. It's unnecessary and cruel. I thought I was at least worth a "this is not going to work" message and my things. But instead I have silence and no things and the knowledge he is happy to carry on with her.

 

Urgh. Break ups are rubbish. Roll on tomorrow when I have therapy and hopefully something positive to say instead of whining again!

[membername]

Thank you, as always membername. That is really helpful. I've been trying it this evening and it feels different, and that has to be good.

 

Thoughts this evening - why did I mess up? (That's not me blaming myself, I really did). Why did he mess up? Why is this thing called love so hurtful and hard sometimes when we all know it can be beautiful?

 

Why am I alone and all of my friends are coupled up. Why has he found happiness again so fast and I'm left picking up the pieces of my heart.

 

Very dramatic, I know. I know he goes away tomorrow and I'd kind of thought he would have dropped my things. Close the door. Don't leave me wondering. It's unnecessary and cruel. I thought I was at least worth a "this is not going to work" message and my things. But instead I have silence and no things and the knowledge he is happy to carry on with her.

 

Urgh. Break ups are rubbish. Roll on tomorrow when I have therapy and hopefully something positive to say instead of whining again!

 

You're very welcome.

 

The thoughts are very natural.. I had them and blamed myself. But he has issues of which I cannot help. I'm in a similar boat, all my friends are married and on their 3-4th kid..

 

But I don't pay attention to that anymore. That's their life and I have to live mine.

 

Keep it up!

[cyssan]

But I don't pay attention to that anymore. That's their life and I have to live mine.

 

Keep it up!

 

This is true. But this mindset sets in eventually. Whenever I see happy couples/ married couples and I begin to get sad, I try to remember other things I'm grateful for. Fresh from the BU, I couldn't think of a single thing to be glad/ grateful about, it was so hard to do that through the haze of pain. So I started making gratitude lists, to remind me that although I don't have a romantic relationship now, I have a job/friends/etc etc. It helps

[Kris22]

I'm going through a similar thing. Except when my boyfriend broke up with me he was crying and saying that he loved me, but needed to be alone right now. It has been incredibly confusing because even though he seemed like he didn't want to end it he has been incredibly good at not contacting me while I struggle on a daily basis with constantly thinking about him and wanting to be with him again. I just keep trying to remind myself that if he wanted to be with me he would talk to me. That I'm stronger for not talking to him because he expects me to be constantly calling and texting.

[membername]

This is true. But this mindset sets in eventually. Whenever I see happy couples/ married couples and I begin to get sad, I try to remember other things I'm grateful for. Fresh from the BU, I couldn't think of a single thing to be glad/ grateful about, it was so hard to do that through the haze of pain. So I started making gratitude lists, to remind me that although I don't have a romantic relationship now, I have a job/friends/etc etc. It helps

 

Also, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Seemingly happy couples that look perfect could be the opposite in reality. I've seen it so many times. So that also has me not looking at what others have going on.

[Sorrento]

Day 4 no contact. Still no stuff, and he's gone for a weekend away today.

 

I feel flat, then furious, then so anxious I can't sit still or think straight. Then sobbing. Then numb. Round and round I go.

 

Had therapy. I'm not sure how it went. Feel like the longer this goes on, the more I question why. Why is it this way. Why won't he just shut the door. Why is it me who has to do all of the hard bits and he can swan about ignoring everything he doesn't like.

 

I don't want to be this person. I don't have the willpower to stop it though it seems.

 

I want this weekend to be over. I want Christmas and new year to be over.

 

I want to build my life. I just don't know where to start.

 

I haven't slept longer than two hours a night for the last week. I'm sure this is partly why I feel so roller coaster-y. Need to sleep. And need to keep busy. This will pass.

 

I hope you are all having good and positive days today. I have the day off work today to do some Christmas shopping but I might just try and nap instead.... lazy, but it feels like a kind thing for me to do for myself and that's what I'm focusing on for now.

 

Be kind to yourselves. We all deserve that

[Roselynn1]

... I feel flat, then furious, then so anxious I can't sit still or think straight. Then sobbing. Then numb. Round and round I go.

 

I don't want to be this person. I don't have the willpower to stop it though it seems.

 

I want this weekend to be over. I want Christmas and new year to be over.

 

Ah! Me too! Can't wait for the holidays to wrap up... I know I'll cry on New Year's Eve... I can so relate to how you're feeling. Time helps and sometimes when I start really missing him i try to think about the bad things about him instead. Then that just makes me mad. But those feelings are easier to deal with. Hope you're Ok!

[cyssan]

Day 4 no contact. Still no stuff, and he's gone for a weekend away today.

 

I feel flat, then furious, then so anxious I can't sit still or think straight. Then sobbing. Then numb. Round and round I go.

 

Had therapy. I'm not sure how it went. Feel like the longer this goes on, the more I question why. Why is it this way. Why won't he just shut the door. Why is it me who has to do all of the hard bits and he can swan about ignoring everything he doesn't like.

 

I don't want to be this person. I don't have the willpower to stop it though it seems.

 

I want this weekend to be over. I want Christmas and new year to be over.

 

I want to build my life. I just don't know where to start.

 

I haven't slept longer than two hours a night for the last week. I'm sure this is partly why I feel so roller coaster-y. Need to sleep. And need to keep busy. This will pass.

 

I hope you are all having good and positive days today. I have the day off work today to do some Christmas shopping but I might just try and nap instead.... lazy, but it feels like a kind thing for me to do for myself and that's what I'm focusing on for now.

 

Be kind to yourselves. We all deserve that

 

Hello Sorrento, how have you been?

 

The rollercoaster is dreadful, but you'll have to ride it out. You will be OK. You are right, this too shall pass. But for it to pass we have to ride all its terrible waves first, that superugly kind of crying where you can't breathe, that feeling of disconnect from the world, the never-ending questions that we think--if only the ex could give me an answer to this and that, I'll be OK. We all think we're going crazy, but no, we're normal. Just hurting. What we're feeling is normal.

 

When the obsessive questions come to me (how, why, who, why, why, why, why me), I learned a mantra from Susan J. Elliott's book (Getting Past Your Breakup). I say this: "Stop. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter." Because the truth is, the answers don't matter, the breakup has happened. We just have to keep moving forward. Of course it took me a while to stop asking, it's not easy. But you can do it. You can stop it. It will just take time. If we keep trying to understand our exs' heads, who would take care of ours?

 

Like you, I want the holidays to be over, I even want it to be 2021 already (surely, 5 years are enough for me to get over the "love of my life"?) We take it one day at a time. I know you're a strong person too--it takes a strong person to think about rebuilding her life, that's a daunting task. I also didn't know where to start, my major plans for the next 50 years or so already included my ex. So I'm gonna recalibrate my next 50 years lol. But while it's a scary thing, it can also be an opportunity--to discover where you want to start.

 

Yes, be kind to yourself. Don't think you're being lazy if there are days when you just want to sleep the day away/ longer than usual. Allow yourself to function less than optimal these days. Heck, I used to be so proud of my sharp memory, but after the breakup, I have to write several lists for my day so I don't forget, and I've already ask for friends' help to also remind me of some things. It's OK. We'll be back to our 100% selves eventually.

 

Have you tried using some medicine to help you sleep?

[Sorrento]

Day 8 no contact

 

Sorry I have been hiding for a little while. I was actually doing ok over the weekend as I knew he was away with her. I forced myself not to think about anything. I know he is back now. Still haven't heard anything. Still haven't got my stuff back.

 

I don't really know how I feel. I genuinely thought I at least deserved a "sorry it isn't going to work". I know it is difficult, and I know you are confused, but after 8 years, I don't even get that? I get an arrangement so I can get my things, on the understanding you would contact me to let me know when you were in that evening. And then silence. Not a peep. Not even dropping my stuff off as I asked if that arrangement didn't work, so you didn't have to see me. I don't understand. I don't even have a "no". After pouring my heart out to you, and you saying you feel the same and you just need to process. Nothing. Not one word. Not even a sorry.

 

Wow. So much hurt today. I want to crawl under my duvet and not come out until this has gone away.

 

Cyssan - I fully understand not allowing the obsessive questions - and I try and let them go. But it hurts after so much time, I basically feel like I have been ghosted.

 

It doesn't help that I know this is how he avoids things, to get some space for himself. So it keeps that tiny ember of hope alive. Just enough to keep that pain fresh.

 

Urgh. Sorry everyone.

[Sorrento]

Have you tried using some medicine to help you sleep?

 

I have tried some sleeping tablets but they only seem to get me off to sleep, I still wake up after a few hours and then I am just awake? Have you experienced anything like this?

 

It's unfair that sleep seems to be the only refuge, and yet we cannot have even that

[cyssan]

I have tried some sleeping tablets but they only seem to get me off to sleep, I still wake up after a few hours and then I am just awake? Have you experienced anything like this?

 

It's unfair that sleep seems to be the only refuge, and yet we cannot have even that

 

Sending you virtual hugs, my friend. I'm sorry if sleep remains elusive. I've experienced that for several days, too, until I just crashed (fortunately during a weekend). I've found meditation music to be sometimes helpful. Hang in there, Sorrento. You can get through this.

[Sorrento]

Thanks Cyssan it does help

 

Today is day 9 of no contact. I had a really positive night last night and felt really upbeat. Today I feel a little less so. To be honest I can't believe I haven't heard a word. Just disappeared, no warning, and still haven't got my things. I am not ready to deal with that. Maybe in the new year I will get someone to go and get it. It is only the ring that has huge sentimental value (not from him) that I want back and he knows I won't let him keep it indefinitely. Problem for 2017 I think, this year has been overwhelming in so many ways.

 

I am hoping today i can keep up the positivity. I have to remember the fact he has not contacted me is all about HIM and not about me at all.

 

I hope everyone is feeling ok? Less than a week to Christmas now. I am looking forward to seeing my family and friends and keeping busy. I will not allow him to destroy my holidays