Should I be Concerned? Flirting with his ex online

[Katusha]

I'm new here so thanks for being patient... A little background history. I've been living with my bf for just under 2 years. About 6 months into our relationship, he was having a hard time adjusting to my 2 children from a previous marriage. Other than that, everything was perfect! One day, my 2 yr old got mouse happy and accidently opened about 15 windows including his MSN message history. I couldn't help but read it and there were several conversations with girls (including 2 exes) saying that he was unhappy in our relationship, missed them terribly, that he was planning on leaving me and wanted to get back together with them.

I calmly confronted him (God it was hard to be calm!!) and he admitted to it, said that he was really frustrated with my kids, and that he was using it as a means to vent... that he couldn't imagine being without me and although he knew it was wrong, that he never meant to actually do any of the things that they had discussed. It was "safe" to flirt with them because nothing would/could ever happen. He apologized profusely and life went on very well.

He's still with me and I love him very much. We truly feel like soul mates. We've now been together for nearly 2 years and the only real issue (just recently) has been money. We moved 2 provinces and I was waiting for a job to start that took longer than expected. We never fight or argue about anything (not even money)

I feel ashamed to admit that I intentionally checked his message history semi-regularly after that and all was well until recently. He's been "talking" to his ex bed buddy (he tells everyone that he hates her) he told her that he's tired of being poor and that he wants to leave me. He's stashed her photos in the windows directory. He never has any real conversations with her but instead mostly asks her to send pics of her chest and talks about sexual matters (not cyber just heavy flirting)

I do believe that he loves me very much and when we talk, it still feels very stable. He still tells me that he wants to be with me for a long, long time and that he's not going anywhere... that he'd be lost without me and that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him.

Suggestions? Should I ask him about it or pass it off as a stress relief. I know that he would never physically go to her and that he has never cheated on me in "real life" I'm really not sure what to do!!

Thanks!

[GettingOverIt]

All I can offer is this: I learned the hard way that actions speak louder than words... I communicate much better in writing than I do verbally, so in a weird way, my words tend to be my actions... Notice, I said TEND to be... The down side to this is that I can SAY all kinds of things, but if my ACTIONS do not follow it up, then it leads to frustration, anger, etc... I am saying all of this because his ACTIONS are what you will ultimately see the most... What is he DOING? Chatting with exes about sexual matters? He can SAY anything he wants to you, but it seems like he is unhappy, no matter how 'perfect' things might seem... You never argue? Trust me, that is not healthy.... You can try to talk to him again, but he has already demonstrated to you that he will most likey not change his behavior...

[Katusha]

Thanks for the insight... he does discuss minor sexual matters with her. Not cyberring... things like asking for pictures of her chest. He is a very visual person and has a LOT of porn on the computer. I don't have any problem at ALL with his surfing for porn. I look at porn as a healthy outlet and as long as it isn't a forbidden fruit then it is healthy for a visual person. He shares his "finds" with me and does not hide that part at all.

 

As far as not arguing... there are things that we disagree about. It's just that we discuss them rationally and come up with a compromise to make both of us happy. Would that not be healthy? I thought that was a mature way to handle disagreements in a relationship. We do not holler or call each other names or put selfish ultimatums into the equation. We do not get mad at each other because other than this problem, we are both generally very respectful of each others feelings and opinions.

 

I'm not sure what to think about this or what to do. As long as he's not physically acting on it, is it okay to just sweep it under the carpet and wait for it to either go away or turn into more and then deal with it?

 

His actions in the relationship are very positive. He is still a very sweet, caring man. He still includes me in everything and we still talk about everything (except this cause I don't think he knows I know) He still talks about our future as if it still matters to him. Thanks again for the perspective... I'm looking forward to more.

[GettingOverIt]

Well, first of all, I guess the definition of 'argue' can be interpreted in many different ways... Yes, discussing things and reaching a compromise is very healthy!! Ideally, that is how everyone should handle 'arguments...' ;-)

 

You are open to his looking at porn, but not necessarily when it is his ex-gf, which makes sense to me... And really, that might not be the issues, really, right? I mean, the issue here is that he is HIDING it from you...

 

In my own opinion (and remember, I am just one guy), I don't think sweeping it under the carpet is a good idea... Trying to ignore it will most likely continue to eat away and eat away at you, which will in turn affect your relationship...

 

His actions in your relationship are very positive TOWARD you, but look at his actions (his words, what he is telling these other women) AWAY from you... If he is not happy, then maybe whatever is the true issue can be addressed and you really will be happy together... If you ignore it, though, I am afraid that it will continue to grow and spin out of control, even if he is not wanting it to or meaning for it to get out of control...

 

What you know is that what you have discovered is bothering you. You have doubts, fears, concerns... These need to be addressed if your relationship is going to survive....

[xxserialkisserxx]

Im not criticizing you in any way believe me, but deosn't it bother you that your husband/boyfriend looks at other women on the computer? To me that would feel like im not good enough....I realize that alot of men and women do that kind of stuff but I wouldn't want my significant other looking at other naked women and orgasming!!! But thats just my opinion, but I wish you the best of luck!!!