What is wrong with people?

[annie24]

Hmmm... Actually - I'm taking it as a kinda a bad sign if he said halfway into the date, "I have to get going at 11 PM" or whatever. I think that if he was really into you, he wouldn't have said that - if he had to work early the next morning, he would have just had an extra cup of coffee the next morning.

 

Why he stayed? I guess he just got caught up in the moment. From my perspective, he may have liked you, but on a scale of 1 to 10, he may have only liked you "2" or "3" - but that's not enough, is it?

 

People are just really bad at saying, "You know, I've had fun, but honestly, I don't feel that romantic spark with you." I had a guy say that to me once. Then I said, "Why did you keep kissing me?" He said, "I just wanted to give it a chance." (And then we had a huge fight. And then we got over it, and now we are best friends Really, best friends. I love him because he always tells me the brutal truth.)

 

E. Jean has another great paragraph in that chapter "Intimidating the poor bastards? Good!"

 

Give the beasts a taste of all the charms of your personality - your daring, your tenderness, your inquisitive-ness, your rebelliousness, your spirituality, your cantankerousness, your impetuousness, your go-to-hell hilarity, your "goddess and your nymph" to paraphrase Willy Shakespeare. In other words, be yourself and you'll be more fabulous, more attractive; and please, don't go flapping your gums about what you "want in a man." It makes you look like you've spent too many long, torturous nights thinking about it.

[Mun]

Oh, hey thanks for clearing it up about the kiss. That changes things.

 

Now the next thing that stands out about the date is that this was a very longggg date. Who dragged on the evening.. did he just not leave.. or did you suggest you go back to your place after dinner? My friend would tell me something funny when a guy that I knew liked me wouldn't call for weeks after a long date...she would say " He doesn't need to call... he got his fill of you/enough to last a few weeks" because our dates were long and out phone conversations were long too. Try ending the dates after say 3 or 4 hours of being together...just to see if that doesn't change things.

 

Also... how long has it been since you saw him? Has he just not contacted you at all?

 

I would also take into account what the other posters said, maybe he just doesn't have the time or interest to be dating right now. Even if he did like you alot, he might just have too many things going on.

 

I would agree with DN though. If it seems that ALL your dates are disappearing on you then definitely look at your behavior and see if there is something you might be doing and you just haven't noticed it yet.

 

I'm not trying to blast you for being yourself or anything like that. I would like to help you find the reason this is happening--and see if you have better results in the future.

 

I know how that is though.. always easier to question the whole gender than to look within and make changes. I did that too for awhile, until I realized the only common factor in what was going wrong was ME.

[DN]

I am just wondering if the problem may be that, whatever approach you are using, you are coming accross as too intense or focused on finding someone. If that is the case, then it could make people back away. Try lightening up. Don't look upon a first date as the first step in a possible lifetime relationship, even subconsciously. If you do, that will evidence itself in some way to the guy. Try to look upon a date as just a time to have some fun with someone who you may not see again. If it turns into something else that's a bonus, if it does not your expectations won't have been disappointed. Maybe you just need to relax a little more and stop trying to act in this way or that rather than just enjoy having a good time with someone for its own sake.

[stargazer25]

Again...I guess I should clarfiy. We broke apart when kissing and he laughed and said "I was planning to leave at 2"..I asked "Why didn't you?" And he said "Cause you are a witch" (He has jokingly called me that before)...and he did say it laughing....THEN went in to kiss me again.

 

I understand that the date was long. HOWEVER, at any point he could have chose to leave. This date was light and fun....I did go into it thinking "we are going to have a blast". I didn't sit him down or anything and ask "where is this going" or something!

 

I have literally spend years trying to figure out WHY I am intimidating. I have gotten this "phrase" since high school. I have looked intrinsically at what MY problem could be....I have asked others...almost all people that I am friends with or have been friends with over the years. I didn't just come off and blame the entire gender without looking at me first. I have looked at myself at great length.

 

I understand NOW...that he obviously isn't interested. If he was, he would have called. I did email him the next day and thanked him. I called ONCE 3 days ago....he didn't call back.....so the proof is in the pudding. The point that I am trying to make is, it is rude to treat someone insignificant by ignoring them......it isn't hard to say "not interested". Instead, he choose to think I don't exist. I am not saying he owes me anything...however, I think everyone owes everyone basic courtesey.

 

I should also add...that HE was the one telling ME that he was looking for a relationship...NOT the other way around. Further...if you don't want a relationship....then simply don't date. Go to the bar, pick someone up and take them home.

 

So...yes, I have spend a great amount of time looking at me. I am not perfect, nor claim to be....however...the only thing I can come up with is that on some level I am picking flakey men. IF that is the case...I can only do so much to stop that. AND ususally they don't flake out right away.

[Mun]

You didn't thank him at the end of the date? I think a day after thank you email is not a good idea, better to thank him at the end of the date... and a follow up call when he has not responded to the email yet ?.. not good either, you should have waited for a reply first, but that's my opinion. Try it next time...

 

He might be looking for a relationship--and not lied about that- he just didn't want to be in a relationship with you. What you saw and felt as attraction might not have been at all what he was looking for and you really have no way of knowing what exactly he is looking for. Confusing right? Haven't you gone on dates that you enjoyed, but were missing that "special something" to make it into relationship territory?

 

Try reciprocating interest in the same measure it is given to you. You show too much interest and it seems to turn off the opposite sex--usually. Take things a little slower. I think you should view dating as an excuse to get dressed nice and go out, but not that it has to lead to anything. So many dates lead to nothing anyway... right? Trust that if he is really interested in you he will call again to set something up, but in the meantime go on with your (love) life.

 

What if you relax about all this and he calls in a few days.. he might have just got busy.. or is still trying to decide what his next move is. How many days has it been now? Some guys don't call until 2 weeks later because they believe they will look too " needy or desperate" if they show too much interest. Go figure Stay positive and stay open to a future invitation, but in the meantime accept dates from other men.

 

It could just be that you are picking the wrong men... in which case the next guy you find yourself extremely interested in.. pass on him.. instead go for someone you are less interested in. It might change things.

 

Hey you have to try different things until you figure out what is messing things up.

[MetallicAguy]

Well do you think or has a guy called you attractive? Intimidating women usually mean your attractive by how you look and what you wear or one of your personality traits, here I think it's that your most likely good-looking and that intimidates guys.

[CG]

I am labelled "intimidating". Yes, I have a strong personality, yes I am honest and upfront, no I don't play games, I am also very nice, I am also sweet, I am also funny..blah blah blah.

 

Instead, all these men who want these confident women go running after the women that play games, are gold diggers, dress like prostitutes, are dependent, need CONSTANT reaffirming, cannot think for themselves, etc, etc, etc.

 

Long time ago I dated a girl quite similar to you according to your description. She was considerate, smart, I say good looking girl.

She was not playing any games etc. But, she has a interesting personality: very straightforward and very pushy but considerate at the same time. She was really good, but I could not bear when she was trying to talk me in something with a lot of energgy and passion on the second date. Just not many people like that. Again, she was trying to be polite but her personality was too straightforward and pushy for me.

It is just a trait, but it is yes sort of intimidating: since how would I find a compromise with such a person if she trying to presuade me into doing somehting right away with a lot of energy? I dont mind discussing things

but dont like to be bossed around, or defending my opinion all the time.

Maybe this would help you to understand yourself better?

[stargazer25]

I am labelled "intimidating". Yes, I have a strong personality, yes I am honest and upfront, no I don't play games, I am also very nice, I am also sweet, I am also funny..blah blah blah.

 

Instead, all these men who want these confident women go running after the women that play games, are gold diggers, dress like prostitutes, are dependent, need CONSTANT reaffirming, cannot think for themselves, etc, etc, etc.

 

Long time ago I dated a girl quite similar to you according to your description. She was considerate, smart, I say good looking girl.

She was not playing any games etc. But, she has a interesting personality: very straightforward and very pushy but considerate at the same time. She was really good, but I could not bear when she was trying to talk me in something with a lot of energgy and passion on the second date. Just not many people like that. Again, she was trying to be polite but her personality was too straightforward and pushy for me.

It is just a trait, but it is yes sort of intimidating: since how would I find a compromise with such a person if she trying to presuade me into doing somehting right away with a lot of energy? I dont mind discussing things

but dont like to be bossed around, or defending my opinion all the time.

Maybe this would help you to understand yourself better?

 

Thank you for bringing that up. I have asked around...and my friends looked at me like I had a third eye when I asked if I was pushy. I rarely if ever have a confrontation with anyone. Nor am I percieved, with my friends and family as pushy.....to a "stranger" maybe. Yes, I am passionate about my views....however, I am never forceful with people. IF someone brings up some debatable issue (say abortion for example)...I will debate (never on first dates or anything like that)....but I have carefully formulated my opinion with logic...and I expect someone else to do the same. You can't just throw out "I believe in the death penelty" without a basis for you opinion.

 

I realize that for people that are more meek or "quiet" I may be too much. That is okay, I can accept that. I am not about to become non-opinionated, or dumb down so other people less confident won't be threatened. That isn't to say I up the anti by any means. Some people are very insecure, and while I understand that, and am very compassionate to that....I won't coddle them either.

 

The guy in reference to the latter posts.....I asked him near the end of the date if he found me intimidating. He was very surprised...and answered "No, not at all....where would you get an idea like that"? I guess the what I am trying to get at....is, I tell them what I am like, how I deal with situtation, etc...and they all act happy and excited, telling me that I am refreshing, that they like me, can't wait to see me etc,etc, etc....then nothing. Like I said....I don't expect everyone to like me, and I don't expect (if they are not interested) to ask me out again. What I do expect is, if I call or email them....for them to have some courtesey and basic politeness to at LEAST fire off an email and tell me they aren't interested, not ignore me....it is just rude, plain and simple.

[CG]

I am never forceful with people. IF someone brings up some debatable issue (say abortion for example)...I will debate (never on first dates or anything like that)....but I have carefully formulated my opinion with logic...and I expect someone else to do the same. You can't just throw out "I believe in the death penelty" without a basis for you opinion.

 

I realize that for people that are more meek or "quiet" I may be too much. That is okay, I can accept that.

 

What I do expect is, if I call or email them....for them to have some courtesey and basic politeness to at LEAST fire off an email and tell me they aren't interested, not ignore me....it is just rude, plain and simple.

 

From what I see you are more of a thinker type, who is not afraid of logic and to be a bit opinionated.

I think what happens is you prefer a guy who are more of a people person, who somewoe complement you.

But this type is not so much into logic or thinking, and some of them may find a woman who is not afraid to state her opinion a bit intimidating.

I can assure you it is not about quiet guys: for example I am quiet, but I love outgoing people, though it is just me.

 

You have to accept this sad fact: some people, men and women are not going to email you saying "No, thank you".Unfortuntaly we cannot change that.