Heart Broken Again! :(

[David83]

Hi

 

My name is david and i am heart broken as i just broke up with a girl called Deborah who i love very much!, and i would like some help, if anyone has any! this is quite long so please have patience and take the time to read it as these are my feelings, and i appreciate the fact that anyone would take the time to read them! thanks!

 

I met my girlfriend (ex ) at my friend and her cousins wedding a year and 8 months ago!, we hit it off straight away, and we fell in love and done everything together, i moved to university 2 months into our relationship and we stayed together and she visited during the week and at weekends when she was off work!, we had a great relationship, had fun all the time and she took me on holiday last june for 21st birthday, we flew on my birthday and it was such an amazing time!, about a month ago, we started going out to a local club on saturday nights with my friends and his girlfriend and some other friends, we were having such a great time time together she told me how much she loved me and she would love to be with me for the rest of her life! and i said the same and i meant it!

 

The past week i know there was something wring with her as she was being distant, but she kep saying she was fine, but i asked her again in the next few days and she told me what was wrong, it hit me so hard!, she said that she doesnt know what her feelings are towards me anymore, she doesnt know if she is in love with me just wants to be friends!! obviously i got upset and i cried! we started talking and she said we will not break up until she sorts her feelings out so this made me happy and we watched a film and snuggled up and stuff!, this was monday, then the wednesday came and she said we need to talk and she said that it wasnt fair on me that she feels this way so we should have some time apart, this was hard for me but i had to accept it, i asked her outright, does it have anything to do with anyone else and she said no! i believed her, and she kept saying there is always hope and a chance that her feelings will come back in time and, everyone kept telling me that if we are meant to be together then we will find each other!!

 

But this is where it really broke my heart:

 

At the same time, i found out that my friend and his girlfriend who we used to go to the club wiuth broke up aswell, i talked with his girlfriend and we kinda got suspitious, they used the same excuse (i love you as a friend), i rang my ex and asked her if our breakup had anything to do with ben, and she said yes part of it did, and he confessed to his ex aswell!

 

We found out that for about 3 weeks my ex and ben had been talking about there feelings for each other, nothing had happened between them so they werent cheating but they lied to us both behind our backs!

 

My ex said she doesnt know what she wants, if she is still in love with me or if she would like to start something with ben, this killed me because the exact same thing happened to me 2 years ago and ben was involved then and i had only just started to fogive him for it and he has done it again!

 

She saus she still loves me but isnt sure if she is in love with me or not!, for some reason i can hate her for this as i know as good as anyone else that you cannot help feelings!

 

But i just dont understand how she could hurt me like this, specially when i told her about what happened to me before and she said she would never hurt me! but in the long run she has done exactly the same, i dont know how she could do this to me and her friend, and i dontkow how ben can do this to his girlfriend and me!

 

Surely they must know they are hurting us both and they should know that nothing should become of them if they do not want to hurt us even more, they just seem to be thnking of themselves and it hurts so bad!

 

I really want her back as i am very much still in love with her and ide have her back in a heartbeat, i just hope in time she will realise that it would be stupid to throw away our 1 year and 8 month relationship over some small feelings she has had for a few weeks! The thing i dont get is, is that we have always had happy times, we have never had a major argument and our relationship has always been healthy and even very intimate, we were only intimate last week when i saw her, i dont understand why she would do this with me if her feelings werent there for me, as she is not the kind of person to use anyone! she is one of the most kind and gentle people i have ever met and she would not mean to hurt anyone i know she wouldnt, i just hope that ben is not swaying her feelings away from me, but on the other hand she has a mind of her own and i dont think she would be forced into anything!

 

Can anyone please help me into what i can do, or if there is anything i can do other than wait and see where her true feelings lie?

 

thanks for listning, a very heart broken 21 year old!

[QTpie87]

well I have been in a similar situation a few years ago, and i realize you are older then me so maybe the same rules don't apply, but this is where my thoughts fall.

 

Letting her sort her feelings out --- A good thing because she doesn't wanna feel too smothered and like you are too desprate, it could drive her farther away.

 

TElling her how you feel and making sure she really knows it--- Also a good thing, because she needs to know you still care for her and not to feel like you don't care either way. girls want to be with someone who cares for them and can wait until they are ready. Only problem---you don't want to smother her and look like a stalker, drive her crazy or any of that.

I drove one of the only people i have ever loved away by doing that.

[MetallicAguy]

I'm thinking that you were either being too nice to her. What I mean is, you acted like a little kid with her. Like if she liked one thing, you liked it too. Get what I'm saying? Or you guys spent too much time together and she got sick of seeing you. Ben probably had the same thing going on with him. What a ****** friend he is to be ALMOST cheating on his gf for yours. Well he's technically not but still, what friend does that? Well sadly, I think you need to move on. It's hard to accept but, ya have to. She's not going to get back together with you and begging is not going to help. I'm sorry I have to be brutally honest here, but lying isn't going to help, it will make you ache more.

[chai714]

David,

Many of us have been in a similar situation as you, if not worse. Your natural reaction is going to be to panic and be filled with fear and anxiety. RESIST showing her any of these things. You're going to need to appear (to your ex girl) that you're just fine with her decision. DO NOT (if you haven't already) beg, plead, or bargain that you'll change, etc. This will only give her more power than she already has.

 

Implement NC (no contact) immediately with her if you can. Most people don't have the willpower or self-discipline to do it, so I won't be surprised if you do call her, but if you do call her, APPEAR as if you're almost unscathed. Psychologically, this will make her think twice about her move. There's lots to be learned, but this is my advice to you for now. Surround yourself with family and friends for support...and don't believe that "what's meant to be will be" because YOU have some control and can influence ANY situation. It's just a matter of taking a step back from the situation and looking at things from a different angle.

[happyphantom]

David,

 

I'm sorry to hear about what happened. I agree with everything Chai714 said about what you should do, but also, I wouldn't trust your friend Ben again. What he did was really low. He's not a real friend - dont let him fool you again.

[David83]

I decided that i wasnt going to see her today, we had it planned for her to come through to my house where i live with my student friends for her to pick all of her stuff up today,

 

But i woke up this morning and i decided that i was not upto seeing her just yet, i sent her a text message saying something along the lines of:

 

"As much as i want to see you again, i just think im not ready yet, as i keep thinking that next time i see you everything will be ok between us and ben will be forgotten and i dont want to get my hopes up, you know that i am still in love with you and will be for a long time, and the break-up was not my fault so it is upto you to come to me and tell me that you love me, you know where i am if you want to come through anytime and tell me, or call or text me!, we had some great times together and i hope that one day we can continue and complete all of the plans we had together for the future, remember not seeing you today is not because i hate you, because i never could, its the complete opposite, love you lots xxx"

 

And she replied with the following:

 

"Hey sweetie, its ok about not wanting to see me today, i understand, remember you will be the first to know if my feelings change xxx"

 

The i replied with the following:

 

"Hey sweetie, (Said this because she said it to me first) hope something changes soon, as you know how much im hurting, its you who needs to tell me you love me as you know i already do, miss you (Couldnt help putting tht in there, its hard for me to not put it in there!) luv u xxx"

 

Is this thing a good thing that happened or bad? im not getting my hopes up about it but the question i ask is this, why would she still call me sweetie if her feelings for me were not there within her somewhere?

 

Im gonna try my best to get mad with her but i just cant, people keep telling me that the anger will come after the love for her starts to disappear, but i know my love for her will never disappear anytime soon! i should hate fer for what she has done to me but i just cant! im trying to get over her but i cant do that either, nobody can expect me to get over her straight away, if i did then i wouldnt have a heart!

 

Me and ben's ex leanne and some friends were going to go out for a drink tonight to drown our sorrows, but we decided against it, because i am at home with my parents at the minute for an easter holiday, and all of deborah's things are in my student house where we normally all get together and have a good drink in before we go out, and because i decided against seeing deborah today all of her stuff is still in the house and it will just bring back to many memories for me, and having some drinks with all of that stuff around will just make me depressed! plus the club we were gonna go to is the same place we always used to go to and we have friends there and if they see us all coming in without ben and deborah then they are going to be asking us where they are and this will make us upset aswell! I think i made the right choice here!

 

My sister lives in manchester, like 5 hours away by coach to where i live now and she has invited me down to her house for a few days to take my mind of things, do you think this break will do me any good? i think it will but at the same time im not sure, as me and deborah stayed there over new year and i dont know if this will also bring memories back, but on the other hand i have more memories here at home than i do there?

[Sn0man]

I can't telly you why she called you sweety, but I sure as hell wouldn't be calling her that back after what she's putting you through. As far as her stuff is concerned, leave it somewhere that she can pick it up so you don't have to see her. In your vulnerable condition you're likely to beg, plead, and start sobbing if she comes poking around, and you dont want that. Try not to talk to her for a while, and let her sort things out. That means no text messaging or emails either, other than to tell her where her stuff is to be picked up. Seriously, sounds hard, is hard, hurts like hell but has to be done. After this BS with your so called friend and your ex I wouldn't be talking to that jackazz ever again. Personally, I wouldn't talk to the ex ever again either if she did something like that to me. I'd rather give her a shiner (not that I actually would, but i'll be damned if I wasn't thinking it). So lay off her for a while, leave her alone, stay away from Ben and take some time for yourself. Surround yourself with your real friends, go out and have a good time and meet some new people. In time, you may not even want her back after you get your feelings on this matter sorted out.

 

Good Luck

 

Sn0man

[MetallicAguy]

I think she called you sweetie because she wants to comfort you. But I have this vibe or some psychic/sixth sense crap that she doesn't want to hurt your feelings because she doesn't like you. I don't know, saying "you will be the first one to know if i change my mind" sounds fishy. It doesn't sound like she's actually going to change her mind...[shrugs]. I don't know. Just got a feeling she doesn't like you still. Sorry man.

[David83]

I heard the worst ever news today, i didnt think this could get any worse!!

 

I got a call of ben's ex leanne and she told me that deborah and ben started a relationship on friday!, we broke up webnesday from nearly 2 year relationship, found out it was partly to do with ben on thrusday and find out they started going out on friday!!

 

Thats not the worst part!! they have already said that they love each other!!!!, how the hell do you got from a relationship of nearly 2 years to having some feeling for someone over the past couple of weeks, to starting a realtionship 2 days after breaking up, to telling them you love them???

 

Has every time she said she loved me not really been true or am i missing something here? nobody can turn feelings on and off like that! can they?? it doesnt seem humanly possible to me!

 

But it just really hurts that when we broke up she said that she could never start a realtionship with anyone else anytime soon as she needs time to get over our breakup first, but 2 days later blatantly lie and start a relationship!! im just so upset right now, i didnt think she was like this, and he was over her house to meet her parents on saturday! do these two have no feelings for anyone else at all other than themselves, how can they not sit there feelings guilty for what they have done to me and leanne, all my friends found out and they have lost so many friends by doing this, so i dont seem how it could ever last between them, all they have in common are me, leanne and my friends, now they havebt got me, leanne or my friends as my friends WERE there friends, all they have are each other, and everything they think about is going to involve me, leanne or our friends, if they break up they are going to have nobody, only themselves!

 

I just wish they wernt being so selfish and thought about other aswell as themselves!

 

But why do i still love her, i should hate her for this, but i just cant hate her, i still love her!??? im hurting so much right now! has everything been lies?!

[Gregsta]

I found this forum accidently whilst looking for a songs lyrics but I saw your post and felt compelled to read it. I went through a similar thing last June, and I really do feel for you because this it is the most horrible thing in the world and nothing anyone can say will make it better. I had been together with my ex for three and a half years and she did the exact same thing to me. The way I dealt with it was to leave Edinburgh (we had a house together) and move back in to my parents house. This didnt help so I re-enlisted in the army and now I am off to Iraq. I was in the army before we met and that is were I have always been happiest.

 

What I guess I'm trying to say from my experience is that your best option is to continue living your new life without her. Fill your days up with meeting up with mates that you have perhaps not seen so much of in the past few months. Go and do stuff that really interests you, and the key is to stay busy because it is only when you stop or when you are going to bed that you start beating yourself up mentally and get depressed. You should get rid of her stuff. I suggest you pack it up (all of it) and give it to a mutual friend to give to her. Just leave a small note in saying here is your stuff and nothing much more. Re-arrange your room, get some new posters for the walls and if you can afford it go and buy a new TV or a high fi or something cool just as a treat for yourself. I bought a new computer and then downloaded all the southpark episodes!!! they also helped me with going to sleep at night!!!

 

As for your ex, I am digusted with the way that she has treated you over the whole splitting up and stringing you along giving you false hope. (Mine did that too) And although its not much of a consolation at least you found out now than a few years down the line.

 

Hang in there David, and look after yourself. It will be alright in the end it just takes time and some days are worse than others but slowly it gets better and you will pull through this a much stronger, bigger person for it.

 

Take care

 

Greg