I have to find a way out or kill myself.

[QTpie87]

this is a really really long post i know, but it is definetly one that i really need some help on, i don't think i have ever needed more help then i do right now, so please read. thankyou.

 

I have hit rock bottom. My step dad has started drinking again and has been trying to separate my mother and I. He has been putting his hands on her and complaining that I have been spending time with her. My grandma is always telling me how lazy and worthless i am (which is not true) and how ugly and fat i am (can't argue with that one) when she is the one laying on her butt all day (she is only 60 so she doesn't have the Im so old excuse) and then tells me that's what I do (when i am always working with my mom and helping her at the shelter, or baby sitting my cousin (4 yrs old) and just got finished with school (i had to do 2 yrs worth in one year).

so i can't live with my mom, or least go see her once in a while or jack beats up on her either emotionally or lately physically. and my grandma is always driving me crazy, when she is hurt emotionally or mad she attacks who ever she knows she can get away with so She comes after me with hurtful words, and trys to start fights. I just got out of one, I told her I wasn't going to fight and she needed to find something better to do. So she tells me to shut my smart A mouth and do something with myself, Try to live up to what she is. Yeah right, she's a big hunk of smelling rotting poop in my eyes. GRandmas shouldn't treat you like that, and mothers should be able to see their children.

Now im 17 and I can't leave, for one they wont let me, if i leave they will trun me in as a run away. My mom would let me leave, but i couldn't becaus of how much my diabetis costs a month to live. It's like an extra 200 or more a month, not including my welbutrin. I could go get a job, if they would let me have my drivers liceanc, or even drive at all. even if i did get my DL I would have nothing to drive. I just don't know how to get out of here.

My mother does love me, but when my little sister is around it's all about her. I wouldn't usually have a problem with that only, my sister can swear at me and tell my what a loser i am and how fat i am and everything like that. and if i tell her im not fighting and to leave me alone, my mother tells me not to be a BiT$^ and that i need to shut up. I try so hard to get some attention from my mom when my sister is around and I can't, she compleatly ignores me. I have tried to tell her how i feel about this and she doesn't believe that she does it.

I am to the point where i either need to get out of this mess or i will kill myself. I have always had times when i thought oh im gonna kill myself, but this is for real now. I have It all planed out. It's just, look at how miserible i make everyone. I don't know why, I try so hard to make people love me and/or just be happy around me and no matter what i just end up making people hate me and wish i was dead. so i figur if i can't get out of this, then i may as well die. Maybe then everyone will be ok.

DO you think i would go to hell? I'm afraid to go to hell! but i almost think it wouldn't be much worse if not the same as how i feel now.

[MetallicAguy]

Why don't you just get a whole new family? Granny needs to shut her *** up. I guess she doesn't realize how serious it is when someone's on the brink of suicide. Your mom needs to stop treating your sister like the little 817C# she is. And you can't do anything about your dad, he sounds really dangerous is you went against what he does or says so DON'T screw with that. You can handle things like people calling you fat and ****. First of all I'll tell you this. They just call you fat because they have no one else to vent their anger onto. Second, call your granny a lazy, incompetent skeleton. Because that's all she is. She's too stupid to keep her emotions to herself and she lays around on her *** all day. Look just don't kill yourself, it's not worth it. Hell is a horrible place. Worse than beyond anything you can imagine. You can fix anything if you try. And yeah, you probably would go to hell if you did. Now if I were you, I'd talk to a school counselor about problems, and about your dad talk to the police about the physical abuse, that will wind him up in jail if he gets caught or has more than 1 witness that is. So yeah, you have your whole life ahead of you, your 17 just about to go to college and after that get a job and live life. Don't worry about your grandma she's going to be flesh in bones in no time. Your mom will eventually realize your sister is a selfish *****. Your dad will keep on drinking, and you have to do something about that, and you have to do something about the physical abuse. Alcoholic and a anger problem is a really bad combo. So point is, you can do whatever you set your mind to doing, you can fix any problem with determination, perserverance and motivation. And don't worry about being fat, your body is just a shell, the inside's what counts. If you ever get the money, having liposuction is an option to get rid of fat. Or you could do it in about 3 or 5 years when you have the job and the $$ to support it. Well if you really want to express your anger towards your family, you can do whatever it takes to get good grades, then if you get good grades and go to a good college, you can brag about all the $$ you have. I bet most or all of your family wouldn't have gotten as close as you are to getting $$ like that. Well just a thought on that. But it's possible and it would let off a lot of baggage off yourself if you succeed in it. Oh yeah and if you DON'T want to get fatter RELAX when your stressed. When your stressed, the fat storage place in your body releases it into your bloodstream so yeah, not good. Well hope you get better and get over it. I know how it feels to be depressed. Worst feeling ever. But cheer up, you have so much to live for! Just think of what a better life you'll have when your living on campus in college! Away from your family!

[tiffany82]

hi QT,

 

Please don't go through with killing yourself, as Metallicaguy said everything will be so different in the future. I assume when your'e 18 you will be going to college? or if not you will be workingso you can get a place of your own. Things will be so different then with as you can do anything you want, go travelling, see new things and so on.

 

I can understand it being difficult for you at this moment but please hang in there, things do get better. Have you got a close relative or friend nearby you can talk to?

 

I know that talking and venting does help alot.

[baf15]

Sweetie,

 

Don't let anyone down play your self esteem. You will always be a beautiful girl in the eyes of God. I know things seem hopless but there is always hope in God. He created you, he loves you. It breaks his heart that you are so sad and he wants you to come to him in prayer. I can't describe how much strength can come from prayer. You can ALWAYS talk to me if you feel like you have no one else to go to. Just remember that God is ALWAYS there and loves you the way you wished your family would and so much more.

 

In my Prayers!!!!!!!!!

[MetallicAguy]

Pretty much exactly what baf15 said. God is the greatest power/spirit/person/creator (lol) ever.

[Jetta]

Killing yourself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know that at 17 you really don't have a lot of options right at this moment, but you do have the option to plan. Right now you can be planning your future. Applying for financial aid and/or government grants for college (they have medical coverage for students). You can be building a better life for yourself so this situation as awful and challenging as it is will only be a dim memory in your bright future.

 

Now I have attempted suicide, and at the time it was a horrible time in my life and I really didn't feel there was any way out. I was saved, and life is far from perfect, but each day I continue working and striving for a better future. At 17 the best part of life is waiting for you. You have so many options. Write down your goals. You create your future by the choices you make today.

 

You can overcome this family you were born into. You don't have to be a miserable person like they have choosen to be. Know in your heart that one day they will eat those harsh words.

 

I am sending prayers to you.

[annie24]

Oh sweetheart!!! Please please please don't hurt yourself!!! You are a wonderful person, I am so sorry that you were born into this family. I myself had a lot of family problems when I was a teen. However, the good news is that things get better with time. Once you are 18, and in college, you won't have to deal with them ever again if you don't want to. If you are on your own, apply for scholarships, and financial aid. Fill out a FAFSA form. Get a part time job during college.

 

When you are an adult at 18, you'll never have to deal with these people, and you can go off and find people who will love you and support you!!! Please please, PM me anytime, I will respond right away.

 

I promise - things will get better!!! Hang in there!

[Shadows Light]

Ditto's on all other posts. Do not hurt yourself. It's not a solution.

Take it from someone who has thought about it. Yes and had a plan. You need to tell someone immediately if that thought keeps popping up in your head. Sometimes we feel cornered by our problems. And it doesn't seem like there is a viable way to solve it. Believe me. Although, it may not be readily apparent right now, at this moment... there is always another way, instead of what you are contemplating. LIFE... is so very precious and beautiful. You have one time to go around. One time to experience all the joys and live. My solution? I picked up the phone and called my MD. the perscription I was on wasn't working for me. Then I got into counseling. And... finally, I started finding all the little things that would bring me back up... Music... I found a new genre of MUSIC at my age (38).. Heavy Metal, Alternative Rock.... LOL. And I started reading... and drawing again. Redirecting my energy to something else. I started walking... physical activity. I started to dream again... about all the things that I would like to do... put them down on 3x5 cards...and am looking for ways to fufill those dreams. Little ones and big ones.

 

You can not fix your mother. You definitely can not fix your father. You can only change you... if there is one thing I have learned... I can only change myself and how I react to situations. Those are their deals... not yours. And at 17.... darlin.. trust me... trust me when I say... it will get better. And it is worth it. God doesn't put anything on your door step that you can't handle. We may not always like it...but the lessons and experience gained from it are always worth it.

[arwen]

Well said, all of the former posters. It's really a horrible situation you're living in. Things cannot be worse, it seems. It's extremely difficult to put such negative comments that your grandma makes about you, beside you like it meant nothing.

 

You say you are on Wellbutrin, an antidepressant. I assume you have those prescribed by someone who knows at least a part of this background? Do you have a regular form of counselling? I know that this can be expensive too, and I don't know if you are blessed with the same healthcare as I am here. I have free counselling now because I didn't want my parents to pay for it anymore. It's in my insurance, there are certain rules etc.

 

The only thing you can try to change now is your 'absorption' of this all. This is extremely difficult. You will be stuck at home for at least until you're 18, right? Maybe it will help to start planning your future outside of home step by step. That can help you to have more hope. You are worth to enjoy life and enjoy the person that you are.

 

The last is really important. The most important relationship that you will ever have in your life is the one you have with yourself. And although it's very hard, and people can really put a strain on your self-esteem, you have to fight for that relationship. You are a very valuable person.

 

Take things step by step. Maybe start out by looking up the possibilities of going to college after school. Maybe someone at your school can help you in finding a way that you can leave your home and live in a cheap but good residence/campus? I don't know, uni and things are really different here in Holland. We don't have campusses, that is.

 

I hope you feel better today,

 

Ilse.

[ShySoul]

definitely don't kill yourself, it won't solve a think. I know life sucks for you right now and it seems like you will never get out. I've been there. But things do work out for the best, espeially for good people like you. You don't deserve everything you have to put up with. It's extremely unfair. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You will get out of this and you will be stronger because of it. One day you will look back and realize that you are free. You'll know to treat people better than that and will help out alot of people.

 

Don't lose sight of the good, smart person you are. To do two years in one year is accomplishment to be proud of, especially under the conditions you face. You are not fat and ugly, I'm sure you are very pretty. Try to shut out the criticisms and focus on your good qualites. You are going to make it out of there and go on to great things, I can tell. You won't be going to hell, you will be accepted into heaven with open arms because of the good person you are. Just hang in there and be strong. Remember, theres always a ray of hope shining in the darkness.