From confident to desperate: why doesn't he love me?

[NatalieGon]

I met this amazing guy- we started dating and the connection was instant. We ended spending long weekends together from the very beginning (he lives in another city). We’re both 24 and none of us felt so strongly with anyone..He said “I love you” really fast and that I’m super special to him etc. So things started great..however, we knew the he’s gonna start commuting for work in another country so that was always a sensitive topic and when we would start talking about it he would just say that he’s not sure where its gonna leave us but he wants to be with me “now” and that he needs more time, and then he would continue to “love” me. We’ve been exclusive from the very beginning, and he started calling me his girlfriend soon, after some months I’ve met his parents, sister, friends- so I though that he was quite serious about me and in love. But then whenever the future topic would come up- he’d continue saying the same- that he doesn’t know and that he’s feelings change all the time.. we had quite a bit of drama about that, I was ready to walk away a few times because it became confusing.. It’s been 5 months so far, and he’s moving to another country in 1,5month and we have 4 trips planned to visit each other with tickets bought and so on (including new years). And then this happened: we finally had a big talk and he came to the conclusion that he’s not seeing a future for us because (1) long distance is exhausting, (2) he doesn’t feel that we’re gonna last (when I asked why, he said some sort of intensity was missing). He also said that he has never felt so himself with anyone else and we share so many values and so on & when he thinks of spending time with me in upcoming trips and maybe me visiting him in the future he gets warm feelings, but yet it\s not enough for him to see a future. He said he felt like that before and thought that it’s going to change, but it did not change that much, even though sometimes he feels super strongly (he asked me if I want to live with him once..).

 

So my questions are: (1) this was my perfect relationship in my mind: getting along super well, sharing the same values, inspiring each other and being able to spend full weeks without ever getting bored or tired of each other- but whats that thing that is missing? I feel like I gave away too much too fast without letting him “fight” for it..is that how it works? (2) His feelings: does that ever change for a guy? what makes him stick to the girl and never let her go? Cos i really though that’s the case here (Im a finance student for gods sake, I didn’t think that I’m that stupid..)..

 

I’d love your input so much! I had very similar situations and I don’t know if I have too high expectations or am I picking the wrong guys

[shiner501]

From what you say it sounds like he likes the initial high of the relationship and says all the right things to you. However, it would be wise to remember that anyone who says he loves you really fast is either very immature or does not actually know what love truly is. He gets you on the hook, gets bored and then his eyes roam elsewhere. Sorry, I know that hurts but that is what is probably what is going on, no matter what he said or how much you want to believe otherwise. You must always remember this; judge people by their actions not their words. We always think that "our" relationship is different. Everyone thinks that. You also have to always remember, it was perfect in YOUR eyes. It may not have been in his, no matter what the rose tinted glasses you were wearing at the time told you.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like despite a great start, he just wasn't ready for anything long-term.

 

He has a valid point about LDRs being difficult, however it sounds like he's an infatuation junkie and heads out when the high wears off. It may be best to go no contact and block him.

we finally had a big talk and he came to the conclusion that he’s not seeing a future for us because (1) long distance is exhausting, (2) he doesn’t feel that we’re gonna last

[katrina1980]

I met this amazing guy- we started dating and the connection was instant. We ended spending long weekends together from the very beginning (he lives in another city). We’re both 24 and none of us felt so strongly with anyone..He said “I love you” really fast and that I’m super special to him etc. (

 

Too much too soon.

 

It's been said (and I believe it to be true) that when a man (or woman) rushes in fast like this, they will rush OUT just as fast.

 

I am sure you are a beautiful person NatalieG, but he wasn't "in love" with YOU, he was in love with the "fantasy" of you.

 

These guys (and gals) are BIG on fantasy. When reality hits a few months later, they're off and running to their next fantasy.

 

What he did is called "lovebombing," it happens to all of us. Women AND men.

 

For me when a man goes overboard like this in the beginning, it's a big red flag, a message to me that he responds more to fantasy than reality.