Picking up the Pieces..

[Jennifern]

I'm new here... I stumbled accross this site tonight while wallowing in my own self pity.

 

I feel like I've been walking around picking up shattered pieces of my life for months and its not getting any easier or any better.

 

Let me introduce myself and explain...

 

I'm Jennifer, I'm 23 years old, I would have been married 3 years this June, I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter named Hope.

 

I am currently in the process of a divorce, the papers are drawn up, however going back and forth between the soon to be ex and my lawyer so we can come to an agreement and file with out a huge blown up mess...

 

Back in 2003 When my daughter was about 5 months old my husband was preparing to leave to go overseas (he's in the National guard), he got to come home for a weekend and in that time I discovered some letters in his bag to other woman, 3 diffrent woman, each which he seemed to be carrying on a relationship with... I did more digging and found lots of haunting things, I got into his email where I found he had taken our wedding photo, cut me out and was sending that to other females, saying it was him at his dad's wedding...

 

After confronting him he cried and said he was sorry and after some though I told him I would give him another chance but if he ever did it agian, I was gone....

 

My heart was so torn then... He went on his deployment and a year later returned and we attempted to patch up our relationship.. things seemed okay, I still didn't trust him fully but tried and we had alot of arguments b/c of my not trusting him.

 

Well about 6 months after him being home we got the news he was getting called up to return to overseas only this time to Iraq.... so before I knew it he was gone agian.. in Decemeber when he was home for the last time.. I sensed something was not right... I felt something was horribly wrong and I started digging agian, only to have my heart completely ripped from my chest... I found emails and evidence of phone conversations to diffrent females, one of the same females was a girl who he had talked to back before his first deployment.

 

This was just 3 short months ago... last month I found a lawyer and got things rolling... yes he is in Iraq... but what am i supposed to do?

At first my husband seemed upset and sad about the divorce and begged my forgiveness and then now he is willing to sign the papers and waive his right to the Soldiers and Sailors act...

 

He is home this week on R&R and after talking to a few people I discovered he is in another state visiting one of the females that he's been talking to for the last two years...

 

I feel like I just can't take anymore... we just bought this house I am in now, just a year ago... our daughter just celebrated her 2nd birthday, I am in the middle of a semester in college, and I'm taking care of kids, and the house and going to school all by myself while he's out messing around with other girls..

 

I don't feel like I can get ANY lower...

I wonder if I will ever be able to trust and love agian, I wonder if I will ever be able to hold my head up...

 

I have had men ask me to go on dates in the last three months but b/c I am a devoted wife I know I am still physically married, I have not done ANYTHING... not like I need to anyways.. but still... I have always been faithful, I have always been a good wife, I worked hard, my house was always clean, I took care of myself and the children, I treated him well... I always made sure he knew I loved him, I always cooked for him and cared for him...

 

I just keep thinking maybe I'm not pretty enough, maybe I'm not skinny enough, maybe I'm not fun enough...

All this keeps going through my head.. like WHY on earth did he do this to me!!!!! Why am I hurting so much!

 

I just don't know what to do!

[melrich]

So sorry to hear about your situation. You are really doing it tough at thye moment.

 

Forget about your husband now...he has acted despicably through the last 18 months. You can be comfortabl eknowing that he will one day reap what he has sown.

 

You have to think about the positives in your life. the main one being your beautiful daughter who will love you and be a part of your life for the rest of your life no matter how tough things might get.

 

Now is the time to fall back on family and close friends. don't be afraid to let them help you through this period. That is part of what they are there for.

 

Just remember, things will get better. You just have to tough things out now, if only for the sake of your daughter.

[avman]

Hello Jennifer,

 

Divorce is one of the toughest things you'll ever go through. So everything you are feeling is totally natural under the circumstances. I wish I could answer all of your "why" questions, but I'm afraid I can't. Thats the toughest part of healing from a divorce I think - all the unanswered questions.

 

I think you should look into some counseling for yourself or a divorce support group. You need someone to lean on during this rough patch and help you get through the lowest points. You are saying a lot of things that concern me and which very likely are not true (I'm not pretty enough, I'm not fun enough, etc.) It sure sounds like this has shattered your self esteem and we'll need to build that back up gradually.

 

I know this is easy to say, but with time this WILL pass. Yes it's going to hurt like hell. Yes it is going to take quite awhile. But you will get through this. You will go on and enjoy so many moments with your daughter. And yes, it is quite likely you will love again. But right now, just take it one day at a time. Thats enough of a hurdle at the moment.

 

Call on your friends and family when you need them. Don't think you are bothering them. Of all the times in your life, you NEED them right now. So go ahead and lean on them. Trust me, they'll support you and give you the strength to keep going.

 

Hang in there Jennifer. You are going to make it.

[rainy soul]

Oh God!

This tops them all! You must feel like all your roots have been ripped out from under you and yet you still have to go on. I think the advice that someone else gave to seek out support groups is a really good idea. You must be incredibly strong to still be here but you are suffering an incredible loss and betrayl

 

I have to say that I was clenching my heart as I read your post with the empathy I was feeling for you. I am dealing with my own betrayl right now, nowhere near as bad as yours but I can say that I have turned over that same thought over and over...what did I do wrong, how could this being happening when I've done nothing to deserve this?? When really how in the world could we ever really blame ourselves...we are only responsibly for our own actions and reactions, no body else's...Its one of those annoying lessons...but what we resist persists. Now is probably not the time to hear any of this, myself included but along our journey of deep grief, loss, rage, betrayl, acceptance (repeat) somewhere we are going to wake and see the truth of this...

 

You have your beautiful daughter and all in the world she has is you...reach out to all of us anytime (lord knows I have as a form of therapy,) and seek out 'real' people in support groups...we (the heartbroken) are the only ones aside from mommy who will really feel that pain and listen to it month after month I'm sure you've discovered this...We will survive this, it will take time, but there will be an end! Stay strong

[BillyJean714]

Sorry to hear what you're going through! Your husband soounds like my ex. Look at it this way, at least you found this out now, while your'e still young, rather than later. Another thing: You should be PROUD of the person that you are! A strong mother, a devoted/faithful wife, a responsible young woman?! You possess all of the qualities that any man would want in a woman. All I have to say is your husband is a coward for doing what he did to you. In time, you will find someone better. But for now, please don't give up, and realize: You are a strong woman. Since you've made it this far, think about how much further you will go in life with all of the qualities that you possess. He's nothing but a sucker. You will find better!

[arwen]

Hey jennifer,

 

You must feel like your whole life is shattered in a million pieces now. I think indeed the most difficult part of healing is learning to accept that you will probably always have questions that are left unanswered. It will take time and lots of support, from wherever you can get it.

 

You say that you feel like you cannot be lower than you are now. In fact, Billy is right. The way you are handling this is really strong. You take care of your child, you are a very faithful and responsible and mature person. These characteristics of you will only get stronger when you get through this process.

 

Your ex on the other hand, HE's the one who cannot get any lower at this point. He had it all, and now he ruined it all. He had a loving wife and child, and he didn't learn to value that in the way that it should be valued.

 

Take the time to heal from this. You will really be ok. You have a kid that loves you, and you really shouldn't worry about leaning on your family and friends. They are there for you.

 

I hope coming here helps you. There are many people going through break ups and divorces here. I'd say, read the forums. It sometimes helps and encourages to read the stories of people who went through the same ripping pain, and managed to rebuild their lives after a while.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[Jennifern]

Thank you so much for your uplifting advice and encouragement.

 

Most of my days I can walk through them with my head up and trudge on, however about once or twice a week I have my "nights" like last night...

 

This morning after spending most of the night crying I'm on my feet agian, pushing through.

 

Its amazing to me how I have been known as the "push-over" but for the first time in my life I am finally standing my ground. I am sticking to my guns in the most difficult and trying times of my life.

 

I am one strong woman, I am in college full time, taking a full load, and making a's and b's meanwhile raising two children (my son is from a previous relationship) and taking care of a house and working as a preschool teacher part time on the side, ALL while going through a divorce... I'm a strong woman, I just have to keep reminding myself..

 

And you are all right, I need to rely more on my friends and family for support. Thats what they are there for! Thank you all so much!

[arwen]

I am glad you realize that you are not a person to be walked over. I can't imagine how you'd manage to raise two children period, let alone handling the divorce, a study AND a job at the same time.

 

I hope you will take time for yourself whenever you have the possibility. Is it possible in any way to have your children over at your parents for example one night a week for a while? Be careful about walking all over yourself, is what I am saying, I guess

 

You are going to be fine. I am glad you turned here for support next to your family. Writing about things can have a different effect than talking. Both are really important. I think writing forces you to order your mind more than talking, though.

 

Ilse.

[just jeff]

Indeed you are a strong woman…be very proud of yourself and your accomplishments. His loss will be another's gain…Listen to your inner voice…follow a new path; he has gone down a different path, the fork in the road…

 

Live large and free….enjoy the best life has to offer, I do not think by his actions that he falls into that category…*s*

 

Later down life's path…stay safe in your journey's….