Day 224 NC - Starting to feel stupid

[mrsin627]

So I'm on day 224 of No Contact.

 

I went no contact immediately, with the exception of running into her at a bar 3 weeks after the breakup (only saying "hey" to each other).

 

If you want, you can read the breakup story here:

 

 

I've done a good job focusing on self-improvement, surrounding myself with friends, starting new hobbies, school work (master's degree) and I even met and dated another woman for a few months in there til it eventually ended due to personal (for her) reasons that I just couldn't get past. For a while I was able to forget about her completely, but since the beginning of September she has been growing in my mind exponentially and has reached the point where she is ALWAYS in my active conscience, working out I think of her, doing yard work I think of her, watching baseball I'm thinking of her. I'm starting to feel crazy and stupid for just letting this girl walk out of my life so easily.

 

I actually negotiate things with myself like "ok if I see her pop up on a dating site again I'll know she's still single and I'm gonna try to get her back" or "If the cubs win the world series I'm gonna send her flowers" (this is more logical than it sounds, I promise).

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Stay strong. Can you think of a reason such as an day or some other seasonal reminders coming up that are bringing these thoughts to the fore? Or is it recent dating disappointments?

I've done a good job focusing on self-improvement, surrounding myself with friends, starting new hobbies, school work (master's degree) and I even met and dated another woman for a few months in there til it eventually ended due to personal (for her) reasons that I just couldn't get past.

[mrsin627]

honestly... I think this year has been a super successful/kick ass year for me. I feel like I lived an entire life in the last 7 months, but when I reflect on it I'm like "damn all this stuff would have been so much better with her by my side." Suddenly thinking that she's the only thing missing... and it's not a woman is missing or kids and a family is missing, it's HER that's missing, it's OUR kids that are missing.

 

Baseball has actually been a trigger, a cubs game was one of our first dates and seeing where the cubs have gone this year I'm starting to feel like my long term life goals should be wrapping up perfectly right now and I had planned on her being part of it. This is probably around the time that I would have been ready to propose.

 

Part of it is knowing that even if she's having the same conflicts about me as I'm having about her I know she's not going to break the silence because she's stubborn and also thinks it's best for her daughter... part of it is just her daughter, although really that's just an amplification and not really a trigger itself.

 

Part of my development goals at work is to improve communication among the department and the material I'm going over is making me thing "this would have saved our relationship" or "if we were to reconnect, I'm confident we wouldn't suffer the same fate because I have the right skill set now."

 

It's time to re-plan my short and mid-term goals because all of them were wrapped up this year and she is the one place where I feel I failed.

 

Clearly there are a lot of triggers, probably not the typical triggers you'd expect and also things that are just kind of a fact of life that I'm not going to avoid.

[catfeeder]

For a while I was able to forget about her completely, but since the beginning of September she has been growing in my mind

 

Which woman, the first ex, or the one you were dating since?

[mrsin627]

The first one. The second breakup was upsetting, but not on the same level. Probably because the second one seemed sincere and a little expected, but the first one was a steep decline in a matter of a week and so I didn't really think the explanation was the truth. I still don't think it was the truth, it seemed like an over reaction to something in the back of her mind that she really needed to address and it was probably easy to clear up. I tried to get it out of her, very gently, with a simple "are you sure there isn't something else that's bothering you?"

[catfeeder]

The first one. The second breakup was upsetting, but not on the same level. Probably because the second one seemed sincere and a little expected, but the first one was a steep decline in a matter of a week and so I didn't really think the explanation was the truth. I still don't think it was the truth, it seemed like an over reaction to something in the back of her mind that she really needed to address and it was probably easy to clear up. I tried to get it out of her, very gently, with a simple "are you sure there isn't something else that's bothering you?"

 

Okay, so you've been 'triggered' by the second breakup. What coping methods did you use to get yourself to stop thinking about her to the degree that you were able to pursue another relationship? How far into your breakup did you start dating the second one? Do you believe you were in a 'good' place then? Or did you pursue the second as a distraction from the first?

[mrsin627]

It was three months after the first breakup that I started dating the other girl and yeah I was in a good place at that time. I didn't start missing the first girl this badly until well after the second breakup though. I guess one other thing has been the fact that I've seen some frinds in the last couple months that didn't even know about the first breakup and so they were asking about her... and then other friends who knew about both saying things like "you jived a lot better with the one before her"

[catfeeder]

It was three months after the first breakup that I started dating the other girl and yeah I was in a good place at that time. I didn't start missing the first girl this badly until well after the second breakup though. I guess one other thing has been the fact that I've seen some frinds in the last couple months that didn't even know about the first breakup and so they were asking about her... and then other friends who knew about both saying things like "you jived a lot better with the one before her"

 

Rebounding with the second may have distracted you from fully grieving the initial breakup rather than helping you heal from it. That doesn't make you a villain, it just explains why you'd crash into pedestalizing the first ex so strongly.

 

Sometimes grief is something you just need to lean into and be with for a while. The only way 'around' it is through it. Recognize that you're glamorizing the first ex, which is pretty typical after a rebound breakup. Read up more about this to understand why you're not crazy, you just have compounded grief catching up with you, and it will feel lousy for a while. It's not terminal, it just feels like it.

 

Head high.