Repressed Emotions

[missrepressed]

They started coming up when Will died. When I found out that he had cancer I balled my eyes out. The first emotions I felt were love and sadness. Then I thought about doing something kind for him, but that made me feel very nervous. I felt like I couldn't contact him directly, so I put together a care package and put it at his parent's front door. I told myself that I had felt nervous because I wanted to respect his space and I wasn't sure if he'd want to see me. We hadn't seen each other in a long time and I was afraid of being unwanted.

 

But when Will died, some repressed emotions started to come back up. I read through old messages and realized that I had forgotten about the bad things that had happened. I do genuinely believed that he started out with good intentions. He was interested in me, and things were going well. It seemed like we might date each other. But then things got complicated with another girl, and he didn't tell me. Instead, he let our conversations lose interest, which put me into a panic. Finally, I asked him what was going on, and he told me the truth. He promised he'd never hurt me, that he was past that 'high school bull', but that was a lie. I wasn't as hurt that he had lost interest as I was that he hadn't bothered telling me. I felt foolish.

 

A few months later we began talking again after he had broken up with this other girl. I think I was still trying to win his favour, but after reading through those old messages, I realize that he never held me in the same regard again. He would agree to hang out, but only if I promised him some action. Being naive and in love I thought that if I did it he would realize that he had feelings for me.

 

When he went off to school we eventually just stopped talking. I had begun to realize that nothing I could do would change the way he felt about me. I felt dirty for letting him do that to me.

 

I realized after reading through the old messages that he probably didn't know how I truly felt about him. I was trying to hide my desperation from him but ended up hiding all of my emotions. Perhaps it would have happened differently if I hadn't started off so cold and aloof. It doesn't excuse what he did and the pain it caused me, but I can understand why he thought that I would be okay with that. I should have been more direct with my feelings.

 

Fast forward to the morning that I find out about his death. I'm happy that I am alone to cry. My fiancé and our baby are gone for the day. I am able to spend the morning in solitude. I decide to reread old messages, and they make me feel pain and sadness.

 

I am afraid to tell James about what I'm feeling. I'm afraid that he will misunderstand and think that he is a consolation prize after a string of lost love. I realize now that I should be able to tell James about what I feel.

 

I know now that I'm not crying because of what happened between me and Will years ago. I'm crying because someone I love died.

 

I'm not regretting that nothing magical happened between us. For the first time I'm allowing myself to feel my love for him without feeling foolish and pretending that I never did.

 

He died with the love of his life at his side and I'm so thankful that he had her. I like to think that he came to a point in his life where he realized that he was hurting women and decided to change. I'm happy to know that he matured.

 

I don't have to be embarrassed. The relief that that phrase gives me is immense. I am entitled to my feelings. I should have told Will that he hurt me when it happened. Instead I pretended like everything was cool because I didn't want to seem crazy.

 

I need to start accepting that it's okay for emotions to make you feel crazy. It's healthier to let yourself feel it right away. When you repress emotions, like I do, you begin to not understand why certain things make you feel the way that you do.

 

Will's death brought up other repressed emotions too.

 

This happened with Alex. We were together for a short time at the end of my first year in post secondary school. Our relationship didn't end naturally, we just both moved back home. There was no closure, hardly any time to say goodbye. The anticipation of this event happening made me feel like I couldn't tell him how I really felt while we were together. I never told him that I loved him. I realize, once again, that I was afraid of feeling foolish. We both knew when we got together that we were leaving that town in a few months. Neither of us asked the other to change plans. I'm afraid to talk to him still because I'm terrified that he'll tell me that he never loved me and that I'm crazy and silly for loving him.

 

I could forgive Will and move on because he died, and I could morn him and feel my emotions more naturally. But it's different with Alex. Alex is still alive.

 

I'm still not sure why we stopped talking. Originally we had planned to keep in touch. We were going to Skype and help each other with drawing and painting. But when I moved back we only messaged a few times.

 

I never asked him about it because I didn't want to seem crazy, so I let him slip away. I'll always regret that.

 

Now I'm engaged to James and we have a child together, so I feel like it's inappropriate to try to talk to Alex. But I find myself wanting to know why he changed his mind. I regret not telling him the way that I felt about him.

 

I'm not sure how to move forward with this one. On one hand I want to tell him everything and hopefully give him some closure too. What if he felt the same way? What if he's trying to find closure too?

 

On the other hand, I'm afraid that he'll shrug me off and that I will hurt more than I did before. Or worse, that James will be offended and hurt. I need to find advice on how to continue.

[Wiseman2]

Focus on this, not the past. Everyone has a journey of relationships. Right now you are in this chapter.

Now I'm engaged to James and we have a child together