Does he want me as his girlfriend or bangfriend?

[MissingKay]

After surviving a horrendous breakup last year, jumping into dating too soon after the breakup, I emposed dating ban until I was in a better place emotionally and mentally.

Flash forward to this year:

 

I have a friend I've known for almost 10 years. Me met at university and became really good friends. There was always an attraction on his part to me which he was never shy about verbalising. I at the time was with my ex and never looked else where, my friend was also in a relationship with a girl in his home country (but was always flirty).

 

We maintained a friendship via Facebook and met up over the years whenever he was in town. He has always told me how much he likes me, how attracted he is to me (whether or not he was in a relationship). He is a good friend but I had always rejected his advances for more because either I was unavaibleble or I knew he was.

 

He has come out off his last relationship this summer and has approached me again, saying he has been 'in love' with me for almost 10 years. I asked whether maybe he's confusing being in love with being in lust, but he insists it's love. Why do I think it's lust? He often showers me with compliments but they are often of a more sexual nature 'you're so sexy and beautify', 'I want you so bad' with a few 'I miss you', 'I want to kiss you' mixed in. I fear he might be seeing me as a conquest (maybe even subconsciously) and once he gets what he wants he'll be gone.

 

Now, having gone through what I went through with my ex, I am not in the business of repeating my past mistakes (missing red flags), but nor am I in the business of painting every other guy with the same hideous brush as my ex...

 

Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

 

He is making plans to fly over to see me next month, but I want to spare him the journey if he's just after a bangfriend.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like your instincts are correct that he's not ready for a relationship but wants a fwb situation.

He has come out off his last relationship this summer and has approached me again, saying he has been 'in love' with me for almost 10 years. I asked whether maybe he's confusing being in love with being in lust, but he insists it's love. Why do I think it's lust? He often showers me with compliments but they are often of a more sexual nature 'you're so sexy and beautify', 'I want you so bad' with a few 'I miss you', 'I want to kiss you' mixed in.

[baseball211]

The fact that you've known him for ten years indicates that he wants to be your boyfriend. But on the other hand, he wouldn't be calling you sexy and stuff if he wanted to be your boyfriend, he'd call you beautiful and stuff like that. I think he wants you to be a bangfriend based on how you described how he acts and what he says. I could be wrong but I think it's about 85% he wants you to be a bangfriend.

[Andrina]

You said that in the past, he made advances toward you when he was already in a relationship, so how do you think he'd be a good bf to you? It sounds like he has emotional affairs when he's already supposed to be in a relationship, or would dump his gf or cheat on her if the other woman he's flirting with says "yes."

 

It's common for players to use words that magnify what's in their minds. What he has said is fine for a guy who has already been intimate with a woman. It's not okay that he is speaking to you like this when you haven't even been on one date, and to tell someone they love them when they haven't even been on one date is another red flag.

 

Your gut is usually right. He will get you in the sack and when the newness wears off, he'll be onto the next conquest.

[reinventmyself]

You need to factor in his lack of integrity seeing he continually made advances to you over the years.

Don't kid yourself that you are the exception. He may very well like you but his morals permit him to encourage attention from other women while in a relationship or while the woman is otherwise committed.

[MissingKay]

I'm very aware that what he does to someone else he could do to me too, in not an exception. I just wanted to be doubly sure of what my gut was telling me. I'm pretty sure that he would have gone all the way with me had I welcomed his advances in the past. Not a sign of a good bf.

 

I had stopped talking to him earlier this year because he wouldn't stop going on about how much he likes me. Whilst I had been flattered in the past, I asked him to keep his thoughts to himself as he was disrespecting both me and the gf with his behaviour. Telling me he was now single in the summer was the first time we talked again.

[Random Person]

Sounds like bangfriend. No man who has pure love in his heart towards a girl says "you're sexy" or "I want you so bad" unless you're his gf.