Did I Overreact?

[MistyBlu]

Hi, Im new here and would appreciate some honest feedback. I have not dated in 3 years. I have not been intimate with anyone during that time either. This was by choice. Recently I decided to start dating again and I met someone online. I've been seeing him now for one month. Last week we ended a date with some foreplay. Just touching and rubbing. I've told him many times that sex will happen when the time is right. That being when we're both ready. We went out again last night and did the foreplay again. It was it was clear that we were both turned on but I told him I'm not ready for sex yet. He asked if he could use his fingers. I said no. He kept asking and I kept saying no. Finally he got me into a position and made his move. I had to struggle a bit and yell at him to get off me. He apologized. I was pissed and went home immediately. He said I am being dramatic. But he did continue to apologize and admit he was wrong because I said no.

 

I'm guessing... but I think he might have thought once he made that move that I would like it based on the way the foreplay was going. It was risky and it didn't work. I went home feeling violated. So far he seems like a good person. It was going really well. So, am I over reacting. I haven't been in a relationship in 5 years and again haven't dated in 3. I just want to make sure that I am not being uptight since I've been out of the game so long. I wasn't teasing him either. I agreed that it was ok to do some things and not others - upfront.

 

What do you think.

[limichelle]

I think he sexually assaulted you! No you didn't over react. No means no regarding not just sex, anything sexual. I was in a sexually abusive relationship and it wasn't just penetration it was acts like what that guy pulled on you.

 

I would block him and forget about the creep!

 

Lisa

[missmarple]

Run or next time this 'good person' will try to do even more. I wouldn't let him near me again.

[SherrySher]

Oh wow...this is not right on any level. No means no and him proceeding when you told him that you weren't ready, is not only violating but is downright scary.

This man does not know how to be gentle or respectful. At any time you get the sick feeling in your stomach where you feel you need to flee is a huge warning sign.

Please take care of yourself and don't go near this man again..next time around you might not be so lucky. This is not normal by any standards whether you've been out of the dating game for a while or not.

[greta96]

You did not overreact because you clearly established some boundaries and he crossed them which was disrespectful and dare i say a bit controlling on his part. The thing is that many women out there say 'no' because they think it's the "ladylike" thing to do, when in reality they mean 'yes' and their 'no' turns into 'yes' very quickly, and men know this and have experienced it many times, to the point they no longer believe it when they hear a 'no'. This may have have been this guy's experience through online dating so far, so he just did what worked in the past.

 

It doesn't excuse what he did, of course. I wouldn't go as far as to call him a rapist, but he was deeply disrespectful and I don't think you should give him another chance. When someone chooses to step over your boundaries like that, you have to wonder what other boundaries would they be willing to cross...

[Sportster2005]

The hell with him. Find a man that can control himself and respect you.

 

You feel violated, because you were. This guy is a loser. Dump him and move on. Do not accept this behavior. Period. End of discussion.

[Vastaux]

I think the others are being a bit dramatic... Just the other night I had a woman critize me for not pushing her when she said no as apparently she needs pushing to let her hair down as she hasn't dated in so long (we was in the back of a car with foreplay involved)... I wasn't there and don't k ow exactly what happened saying a guy is a sexual predator or in future he will do worse is just down right irresponsible.

 

I would suggest if you want to see this guy again you cool down on the rubbing and touching untill you are ready for more... You didn't do anything wrong, it is anyone's prerogative to say no and stop stuff when they feel uncomfortable but if after a couple of times of "rubbing and touching" you don't want to progress while he obviously do then it would be best to not create that awkward sitution in the first place untill you know you are both on the same wavelength.

[MistyBlu]

I think the others are being a bit dramatic... Just the other night I had a woman critize me for not pushing her when she said no as apparently she needs pushing to let her hair down as she hasn't dated in so long (we was in the back of a car with foreplay involved)... I wasn't there and don't k ow exactly what happened saying a guy is a sexual predator or in future he will do worse is just down right irresponsible.

 

I would suggest if you want to see this guy again you cool down on the rubbing and touching untill you are ready for more... You didn't do anything wrong, it is anyone's prerogative to say no and stop stuff when they feel uncomfortable but if after a couple of times of "rubbing and touching" you don't want to progress while he obviously do then it would be best to not create that awkward sitution in the first place untill you know you are both on the same wavelength.

 

I understand that it's confusing. Foreplay is hot and heavy and a man doesn't know where to stop. But in this case we discussed that particular thing prior to and I told him how I felt about that. That was for the next level. I said no each time he got to close and I said we should stop if he feels like he needs more (cause there wouldn't be any!) I'm not going to see him again. He used his size and strength against me to get what he wanted. And he struggled with me for a few seconds. So he knew what he was doing.

 

Thanks to everyone.