How long until marriage?

[lmcba005]

That's the thing though... I've told him. We have sat down and talked about it. He knows I want to get married, but still says he's not ready. unfortunately, there isn't exactly much compromising room when it comes to marriage. If I ask him why he's not ready, he says that he loves me, but isn't ready to get married. which... come to think of it, isn't an answer at all is it? I know I could propose, but a) from the sounds of it, he'd say no. b) we're both from traditional families and backgrounds, we'd both be disappointed if that's how we started our life together. does that make sense?

[annie24]

Ok - well.... I'm sorry to say this... from my limited knowledge of your situation, I think you should cut your losses and move on. Ok, so, I obviously don't know you or your bf, but I think, in general, if two people have been together for 3 years, and one is "not ready" - then... he's just not that into you. He isn't sure that you're "the one" and he wants to keep his options open.

 

It sucks. But, if he knows how you feel, and he's still "not ready"... then, it is time for you to meet a man who "is ready." And trust me, there are plenty of men who want to get married. If you read through these forums, there are tons of guys here who want to be in loving, long-term relationships. And to paraphrase the book, "He's just not that into you" says, "There are plenty of men who want to get married - if they didn't, there wouldn't be so many florists, priests, and taffeta-makers out there."

 

By the way -- how old are you two?

[annie24]

But - even if you are young (as in 25 or younger) - even they have talked about it. Even though they are not "officially engaged," I've known lots of couples who have just said - we're getting married in the future (which to me sounds like an engagement, but oh well.)

[DN]

Try telling him that since he is not ready for marriage then, although you love him very much, you are, and thereforeeee have to move on. Don't make it an ultimatum but mean what you say. It could well be that saying that will make him realise that he does love you and wants to be with you. But also be prepared for the relationship to end.

[annie24]

Try telling him that since he is not ready for marriage then, although you love him very much, you are, and thereforeeee have to move on. Don't make it an ultimatum but mean what you say. It could well be that saying that will make him realise that he does love you and wants to be with you. But also be prepared for the relationship to end.

 

Yes - That is a very good way to say it...

 

It's like investing your money. You invest in a stock for 3 years, and the value of the stock isn't increasing. True, you could wait, and the stock could take off. But, it may be more prudent to put your money somewhere else... But, you've given him something even more valuable - your time! You only get one life - do you want to spend it waiting?

[d346]

This is a tough situation, and I've TOTALLY been there and can relate.

 

My advice is first, you have to have that conversation with him. Tell him in a non threatening way what you're interested in, and why it's important to you. Sometimes people need engagement (even if it's long) to feel comfortable with making REAL life plans with one another.

 

Then you have to think long and hard about based on his answer, where you stand, and what you want. If you are willing to wait, how long? And keep it in the back of your head (don't tell him, because trust me, he'll see it as an ultimatum, and will NOT take well to that, even if he is interested in spending his life with you)

 

I've been here, we have been going out for almost 4 years and fought about marriage all last year. Neither of us dealt with it well though, I would beligerantly bring it up at inopportune times, I would get emotional, he would close up and get defensive. Not good. We had a lot of rough patches to overcome.

 

So one of our final conversations about the matter was calm, rational and he discussed his fears and i discussed my needs. We left it as an understanding that he was interested but still not ready. So I set an internal deadline for myself. Did it make me uneasy? you bet. But I have to protect my own interests for my future. I realized that if it wasn't going to happen, i'd have to walk away.

 

the thing is, is often guys just take longer to mature than us. How many late 30, and 40 something guys do you know that are still single? probably not many. Do I think you should wait that long if you're in your 20's? No. but it just shows how sometimes guys like to have all their ducks in a row before they take the plunge.

 

what I did was let go of the marriage thing for about 6 months. I think in that time, without the pressure, he figured out what he wanted and when. I'm happy to say that I'm engaged....AND he's very excited about it! It's wonderful.

 

I also know a friend who is recently engaged, and she pushed right until it happened (at a family gathering where the parents nugded him even with the timing of the proposal-eek) now he's freaking out that she's actually planning a wedding. He's wondering why engagement right now isn't enough! that's an example of a bad engagment situation -if it's too pressured.

 

best of luck, I say have a serious heart to heart, and you decide how long you'll wait and when you'd leave. Just don't push too hard, he probably won't take it well!

[annie24]

d346 - I am glad to hear that it worked out! Congrats!

 

the thing is, is often guys just take longer to mature than us. How many late 30, and 40 something guys do you know that are still single? probably not many. Do I think you should wait that long if you're in your 20's? No. but it just shows how sometimes guys like to have all their ducks in a row before they take the plunge.

 

Yeah... I've heard this too. There's a book called, "Why men marry some women." or something like that. Basically, this guy conducted a lot of research, and he found that men marry a few years after they finish with their education, have a job, buy a car, and THEN... they start looking at something serious. Like you said, ducks in a row.

 

And, the reasoning is kinda F'ed up in my view. This book basically says, (and I've heard other guys on this website say it), a man doesn't want a woman who loves him before he is successful and established. It's like she is willing to settle for less. From my female perspective, it's more like we see the potential for greatness in our men. Not that we settle. We simply see that he's smart and will be accomplished one day...

 

That book depresses me. It's like, there's this narrow timeframe upon which men are ready to be married, and if you miss it....

 

aaack! I can't think about that book. Depressing!

[DN]

 

the thing is, is often guys just take longer to mature than us. How many late 30, and 40 something guys do you know that are still single? probably not many. Do I think you should wait that long if you're in your 20's? No. but it just shows how sometimes guys like to have all their ducks in a row before they take the plunge.

 

It seems a little odd to say that guys take longer to mature because they like to have all their ducks in a row before marriage. Surely making sure that you are ready for marriage in all respects is the mature thing to do. Just because someone does not agree with you does not make them immature.

 

Generally, I have noticed that the people who accuse others of immaturity are usually the most immature people I know.

[d346]

My thing was, it upset me that he could potentially let me go, because he felt he didn't make enough money yet, or wasn't where he wanted to be in his career.

 

why can't we grow together?

[DN]

My thing was, it upset me that he could potentially let me go, because he felt he didn't make enough money yet, or wasn't where he wanted to be in his career.

 

why can't we grow together?

 

Are you sure that was the reason or was it a front to mask the fact that he did not like being pressured? It was after you took the pressure of that he was ready.

 

Remember that many, if not most men, are not scared of marriage, they are scared of divorce. I don't want to start an argument about the fairness of divorce settlements because that is not what this thread is about, but the fact is that many men feel that in the event of a divorce they are likely to lose their kids, house, and a substantial part of their income. True or not, it is their perception and in this case, as they say, perception is reality. And over fifty per cent of marriages do end in divorce. Being absolutely sure that this is the woman you want to marry, and that she is likely to stay married to you, is not an unreasonable position to take under that scenario. I do not know if this is the reason that your fiance hesitated but for many men it is.

[Cecelius]

Most men believe that they are responsible for bringing (or being able to bring) the lion's share of the economic status to a marriage, hence getting things lined up before jumping in.

 

Most men also believe that that which makes them most attractive and formidable (independence, primarily) as a young man completely vanishes upon getting married.

[Luciana]

lmcba005

I totally agree with Annie's and DN's advice. GIve yourself a deadline (the sooner the better). Do it after you had a CALM and nice time. Tell him you love him but that you must move on with your life. Be firm and don't stay with any empty promises. Try not to get emotional. Give him a quick peck on the cheek and LEAVE.

Do not take his calls unless he has something to say that you want to hear (he can leave a message). You will know how to contact you. Do not call him AT ALL. Try to make many different plans for the first days or weeks you will be alone. Get yourself a support system. Take a mild anti-depressant or tranquilizer if you have a doctor you trust and if you can't function.

It is that simple. If he loves you, you will not let you go.

It's a no brainer. More women should do that insetad of staying in limbo for years, bitter and angry at their men.

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

Ya the possiblity of divorce scares me. I couldn't keep living if I got married and got divorced!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to commit to marriage until I know it will last a life time.......

 

My thing was, it upset me that he could potentially let me go, because he felt he didn't make enough money yet, or wasn't where he wanted to be in his career.

 

why can't we grow together?

 

Are you sure that was the reason or was it a front to mask the fact that he did not like being pressured? It was after you took the pressure of that he was ready.

 

Remember that many, if not most men, are not scared of marriage, they are scared of divorce. I don't want to start an argument about the fairness of divorce settlements because that is not what this thread is about, but the fact is that many men feel that in the event of a divorce they are likely to lose their kids, house, and a substantial part of their income. True or not, it is their perception and in this case, as they say, perception is reality. And over fifty per cent of marriages do end in divorce. Being absolutely sure that this is the woman you want to marry, and that she is likely to stay married to you, is not an unreasonable position to take under that scenario. I do not know if this is the reason that your fiance hesitated but for many men it is.

[Cecelius]

I think I am going to try this with my girlfriend to get her to buy me a house, or do that three-way I wanted...

 

Those are jokes of course. I can say that this is a very solid way of making it clear to the man that it is the institution of marriage that is sought, and not him as a man. It is true that if he loves you, he may knuckle under and if that's his choice, so be it. For me, frankly, I'd probably take it as an ultimatim, assume that she was better off without me, and disappear.

 

Love seeketh not Itself to please,

Nor for itself hath any care;

But for another gives its ease,

And builds a Heaven in Hells despair.

 

The Clod and the Pebble, William Blake

[Luciana]

Cecilius, you may be right, but how long is a woman supposed to wait, especially if she wants kids?

Doesn't she have the right to look for a man who wants the white picket fence and SUV and 2 kids? Even if she loves the commitment phobic, doesn't she have to right to find a man who she can also love and wants the same from life? There are many people out there that are rgiht for us, and many people we can love. To find one we can love AND have the same goals in life is the best.

So, no, I don't see this as an ultimatum. I see it as making a difficult decision in life in order to progress. Like leaving a job where the co-workers are nice but won't take you anywhere. Like investing in stocks that don't increase after 4 years: sell them. It is taking control of your destiny.

Ultimatum would be: "marry me or I will leave you". In this case you are NOT asking him to marry you. You are saying that even though you love him, for you getting married and having a family is an important aspect of life. And it is; there is nothing better in this tough world than having a family.

Your example of doing this to a woman to get her to have a 3some is poor. If your current GF doesn't want a 3some then you should just find someone who does!

[Cecelius]

Luciana -- I couldn't have put it better myself. if its not working for you, you can always walk away.

 

Just one thing that occurs to most men is that, for some women, it's pretty clear that its the institution, the status, and the physical possessions that they want, not the man himself. Whether that's always the case, or the case here, or otherwise, that's how it comes accross, especially when you get a "play me or trade me". It might actually cause someone who was going to ask not to ask 'cause it seems like a commercial transaction.

[annie24]

I agree with Luciana. Women have biological clocks - we CAN'T wait forever. Older women have a harder time getting pregnant. Children who are born to older women also have an increased risk of birth defects. So, if you want to have your own kids, the sooner the better.

 

I don't see anything wrong with wanting a caring spouse, kids, house, dog, blah blah blah. And if that's not what he wants, then having the conversation is very important! Helps two people get on the same page.

 

If you want threesomes on a regular basis, then you should find a woman who is fine with that, and wants that too! There are plenty of swingers associations out there, so obviously, some women are into it too.