I was the dumper but I'm the dumpee. How do I NC?

[dabuten]

Being over something is something we do for ourselves, so we don't carry around unproductive experiences. Those experiences tell us something about the people who did them. She has a knowledge of you that she wishes weren't true.

 

Power struggle always starts from within oneself. It indicates a vulnerability within. You mention the level of power she has, like this:

 

 

 

Whatever power she has is power you've given to her, because you want to remain attractive to her. You have made it your goal that she will find you attractive. All she has to do is hint that her opinion is shifting, and you are at risk of failure.

 

Change your goal to something that is within your control. That you express yourself clearly, that you let her see the real you. What she thinks is up to her, based on her own reasons, and really none of your business. Only, whether in her assessment, you are who she chooses.

 

This need to be chosen by her makes you vulnerable to her, someone beyond your control. The power struggle reflects your desire to have control. You may win little battles, but you never will win the war because you can not control how she thinks or feels.

 

The need to be seen as attractive to her is quite likely related to the ease with which you cheated and also perhaps the ease with which you have sex. I have done both those things and judge neither. If you do them again, make sure it is a choice you make from a position of self respect, and not from a need to be validated by/chosen by/valued by someone else.

 

Thank you for your insight. I think you've got something right, the dynamic of the relationship shifted. I think I've been overcompensating for a very long time due to my cheating, to make things right by her. She's seen that I would be there no matter what and that whatever she wants, hints at or I think it'll please her, I'd do it. And that she didn't have to move a finger to get it, good things will keep coming. I wasn't like that before (during the cheating phase), of course. I'd have 'stuff to do' and I wouldn't be able to spend all the time together she wanted, I'd be 'meeting friends' or I'd have to leave her place because 'I needed to be somewhere'. She was even needy back then. I was the pusher, she was the puller. I was the "man", she was the "woman". After I confessed to her, and because it took me a looooong time to be forgiven, I entered in this dynamic of always thinking what would please her and forgot about myself. Then I started resenting her for it, and now here I am. That's why I took the NC route, I needed some distance to have a clear head to be able to think things through calmly. This two weeks of NC have done wonders for me to be able to understand the relationship.

 

A couple of months ago, I had told her I'd put up some shelves at her place. Sometimes it'd go for three weeks without going to her place, since staying at my place is way more convenient for her to get to her dancing gigs. Well, she tells me: "are you finally going to put the shelves up this weekend?" I told her that I didn't know, that if we were gonna stay at her place then yes, but otherwise, they'd have to wait. She told me: "Well, if you're not coming to my place this weekend to put up the shelves, I'm going out with my friends" (i.e.: "you're not seeing me"). I told her to go out with her friends and not to worry cause I wouldn't be putting the shelves up in a while. Turns out she was just bluffing, but go figure. That was a wake up call and made me think what had I done for things to get like that. She knows I can get angry and upset, and sometimes I sulk, but she also knows that everything will be ok without her doing much. She just has to weather the storm and wait for me to calm down and forget. And yes, after seeing some things from the past from that new perspective, I saw that she had taken me for granted, and somewhat, she enjoys it. This is what I want to change. I want to be how I was, regardless of whether she stays with me or not, but of course, I want to be with her. That's why the NC.

[IAmFCA]

If you both focus on power and position, then this is going nowhere.

 

Put your cheating behind you so you can live in the present without the weight of it.

[dabuten]

If you both focus on power and position, then this is going nowhere.

 

Put your cheating behind you so you can live in the present without the weight of it.

 

The million dollar question: And how do I do that?

[faraday]

I've always used protection, of course. And at least over here, sex is quite normal after a couple of dates, if not on the first. I mean, if you have sex on the first date, it's almost always guaranteed you won't get a second one. It's something like "at least I had sex". And women say that too. And loads of women are happy to just be having sex with you for a while. I know it sounds like "male paradise", but even though I think it's a good thing, it takes a toll on you on the long run.

 

You said you thought everyone multi dated. I explains how multi dating works. Now you tell me I'm wrong.

 

Okay, but your way didn't work, did it?

 

Also, there are stis that can be passed even while wearing a condom.

[IAmFCA]

The million dollar question: And how do I do that?

 

I am going to use a sports analogy. If you don't play sports, we will come up with something else.

 

Let's say you are in the middle of a soccer game, playing midfield, and you miss a pass. The ball passes you and the person defending you picks it up, dribbles down field, makes the requisite passes, and the other team scores. They scored on the turner that resulted from your missed pass.

 

How do you deal with that? Do you spend the whole rest of the game thinking about yourself, the past, and feeling guilty about missing the ball? Or do you focus on the next play?

 

In a relationship, it feels more important that a missed pass, and so the challenge might be harder. Nonetheless, you have to look forward if you intend to move forward. Its the same as with snowboarding, driving, whatever - you tend to go where you are looking. If you keep looking backwards, that is where you will go.

 

Knowing this, we make a decision. Learn from our mistakes, put them away, and move on. Life goes on.

[Tangerine555]

I've found that a lot of times when we are confused, sad, annoyed or troubled in any way by a relationship we have a tendency to want to pick apart and analyze/judge the action of the other person... which can be useful to a certain extent, but the real key is to look in the freaking mirror... at ourselves... see how our behavior and beliefs contributed to the situation, take ownership/responsibility for our part and work on the underlying issues we have that contributed. Self reflection is a good thing, and not enough people do it. If they did, more people would be in happy, healthy relationships.

[dabuten]

I am going to use a sports analogy. If you don't play sports, we will come up with something else.

 

Let's say you are in the middle of a soccer game, playing midfield, and you miss a pass. The ball passes you and the person defending you picks it up, dribbles down field, makes the requisite passes, and the other team scores. They scored on the turner that resulted from your missed pass.

 

How do you deal with that? Do you spend the whole rest of the game thinking about yourself, the past, and feeling guilty about missing the ball? Or do you focus on the next play?

 

In a relationship, it feels more important that a missed pass, and so the challenge might be harder. Nonetheless, you have to look forward if you intend to move forward. Its the same as with snowboarding, driving, whatever - you tend to go where you are looking. If you keep looking backwards, that is where you will go.

 

Knowing this, we make a decision. Learn from our mistakes, put them away, and move on. Life goes on.

 

Thank you. As a matter of fact, we met while I was playing midfield for a footie (soccer) team. She was on the sideline taking notes and statistics for the managers Missing a pass just made me more determined to not let the next one go.

 

The analogy is pretty good and I've understood it. I have to look to the future. For better or worse (for worse), the relationship changed when all that happened. I am in a different relationship now, and it may be worse if I keep comparing it with what we had, but it will never improve if I don't let go too and embrace the future, whatever it may be. And probably the way to "get back" to the happy times is letting go off the past and look ahead.

 

Thanks a lot again. Now let's see if it's not too late for her. Fingers crossed. I still have no idea of how I'm gonna approach her about this; she may have moved on or she may have also reflected and be sorry about her mistakes, or she may just be devastated, or even hate me. Anyway, let's roll! I'll keep you guys posted.

[dabuten]

I've found that a lot of times when we are confused, sad, annoyed or troubled in any way by a relationship we have a tendency to want to pick apart and analyze/judge the action of the other person... which can be useful to a certain extent, but the real key is to look in the freaking mirror... at ourselves... see how our behavior and beliefs contributed to the situation, take ownership/responsibility for our part and work on the underlying issues we have that contributed. Self reflection is a good thing, and not enough people do it. If they did, more people would be in happy, healthy relationships.

 

I completely agree with you and I have no problem whatsoever in taking responsibility for my past actions, admitting my wrongs and apologize. I have never had it.

 

Be warned, though, that it is very easy to mistake this for weakness and some people will use it against you.

[dabuten]

I am going to use a sports analogy. If you don't play sports, we will come up with something else.

 

Let's say you are in the middle of a soccer game, playing midfield, and you miss a pass. The ball passes you and the person defending you picks it up, dribbles down field, makes the requisite passes, and the other team scores. They scored on the turner that resulted from your missed pass.

 

How do you deal with that? Do you spend the whole rest of the game thinking about yourself, the past, and feeling guilty about missing the ball? Or do you focus on the next play?

 

In a relationship, it feels more important that a missed pass, and so the challenge might be harder. Nonetheless, you have to look forward if you intend to move forward. Its the same as with snowboarding, driving, whatever - you tend to go where you are looking. If you keep looking backwards, that is where you will go.

 

Knowing this, we make a decision. Learn from our mistakes, put them away, and move on. Life goes on.

 

IThinkICan, thank you. Spoke to her yesterday. Although I'm not ready yet (getting rid of those demons is gonna take me a while more), and neither is she (she needs to see for herself), after telling her everything I had to tell her it felt as if we had freed the relationship from all this toxic dynamic. It was a conversation as we've never had one. Full of YES and THAT'S RIGHT. No reproaches, no resentment. We love each other. We're happy together, and the best thing is that we don't have to make any effort to make the other one happy. I've gotten myself back too during these days, and I've finally got her back too. It's gonna take us some work and we will find some hurdles in the future, same as any other couple. But I'm calmed, confident, happy, in love and I can feel the warmth of the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Thanks a lot, you were the one that made me jolt out of my state with that sports analogy. I feel as if I had got rid of a 100-stone tumor. I wish you lived in the UK so I could buy you dinner, or send you a present. Thank you.