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Need help with coping...

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I was casually dating this guy I met last year for 8 months. I realized towards the end that he was rebounding from his previous relationship (which ended badly)...we had plans to eventually be together but of course I got a hold of the internet and started to fear if not now, then it wouldn't happen. We had different work schedules so we couldn't see each other as much. I tried dating other guys, focusing on other things, and even tried walking away from him completely for him to conveniently come back and we would be good again. It fell apart we I finally realized he was emotionally unavailable. I ended up making the mistake of giving him an ultimatum in a sense. I told him that if he didn't want a relationship then there was no point to continue what we were doing anymore and that I was letting him go. After 2 days he said he wanted one. From the moment we were in a relationship He got distant and was unaffectionate. In fact during the 8 days we were in a "relationship" we hadn't seen each other. He started becoming busy. Some things were legit, other things I wasn't so sure. I finally asked did he want to see other people (at this point I was convinced he was seeing someone). He asked what did I think, and I told him I was asking him. He said we don't get to see each other much. It baffled me because my goal was to at least see him once a week ( it was possible because my work schedule opened up). He then said that maybe he was too busy to be in a relationship...my heart sank. I asked him why did he even say he could be in a relationship to throw this in my face. He claimed he thought he could manage. He said "You think there's someone else, and there's not. I won't be looking for anyone else either, I don't have the time to give to anyone right now." He asked what I wanted to do, did I want to keep in touch or take a break for a little while. I asked what he wanted and he said to keep in touch and check on each other. He asked if he could check on me later that day, and I said it was best to wait a few weeks. His voice was shocked and sad after that. We went NC shortly after. I was devastated because it was over before it began really...I learned the 30 day contact rule on the ex boyfriend recovery site. I followed the steps and even reached out to him a few weeks ago (it hurt to know that he didn't try contacting me during that time). At first he responded neutral but now its guarded positive. I initiated all 3 times, but I'm starting to realize that he just doesn't want a relationship and there's nothing I can do about that. I still feel hurt and rejected even though there's nothing I could have done to change the outcome. I still miss him and the possibility of us being together. Its been 2 months since the "breakup" and I still feel like it happened yesterday sometimes. Are there any coping tricks you guys?

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Wow...sounds like he never had both feet in this. It was wise to ask point blank what was going on. It sounds like this never got off the ground and it's best to do what you did and let go of 'potential' and assess things in real-time.


Just keep dating others who aren't this sluggish in wanting to be together.


Have you read the book "He's Just Not Into You"? It may have some tips on identifying the interested ones from the time-wasters.

he was rebounding from his previous relationship. I finally asked did he want to see other people He said we don't get to see each other much.
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To me it sounds, word for word, the way an ex was with me - confusing and always leaving it 'in my hands' but saying he couldn't be in a relationship. That means he's ending it, always. Just repeat that to yourself. He put it in your hands so that he could give you the impression there was still some room for something, but he would have the freedom to go date whomever he wants and be unattached, but not be the bad guy who dumped you. But he did - because you wanted a relationship. And he did not (and does not) want that with you. I would absolutely bet there are other girls he's interested in or will be, but that he most likely did like you too and doesn't want to close himself off to options. The busy thing is never a valid excuse. At my busiest, I have always always had time for someone I cared enough for. And 8 months is WAY too long to be casual or unsure of that.


Why am I saying this? Because you won't cope with this fully until you accept that he 100% wasn't right for you and never will be. And following a 30 day guide you find online and follow to a T in hopes of some kind of reconciliation or change of heart is not going to help you cope! You shouldn't be just realising NOW that he didn't want a relationship - it should have kicked in the second he said it. I have a one-time rule about that with any guy I date. If he says that he isn't ready for a relationship even just ONE time after we've started dating and I have asked him about it, it ends there.


So don't talk to him any more - even if he has another 'change of heart' and says 'o wait, I think I do want to date you again and maybe even be in a relationship thing' - cut contact, STOP initiating contact with him in ANY form, accept that this one is not going to happen and move on. You will start to feel better soon.

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