CIRCUMSTANCES OF TAKING A "BREAK".

[brokenangel]

I have a huge problem. I have been dating my boyfriend (well I guess now ex) for 3 years. He was 18 and I was 21. This past Saturday he told me he needed to take a break. We are now 21 and 24 (me).

 

This talk had come up before starting about a year ago. Things were really good in our relationship, but once he started feeling he needed this break, he would just hang out more with friends. I figured I'd just give him space, let him hang out with the guys as much as he wanted and it would get better. It didn't work.

 

It came to a head and he finally decided to do it now. It was really hard on both of us, both crying and both pouring out feelings. He told me that I was the first person to make him believe in soulmates (how we met), the first person that made him think of the future and being married, how we are best friends and exactly the same person, and how there is no one better. He says he still loves me and wants to be with me, but just feels married and really isn't mature enough for this kind of relationship right now. He also said when we first started dating he didn't look at other girls and now he looks frequently.

 

He says he needs to go out and do what he wants, which includes being with other people, but he knows in his heart that he wants to get back together with me. He said he feels he should do it now instead of say if we were married and had kids and it still bugged him that he didn't do it earlier. He wouldn't want to ruin the marriage and all because of it.

 

Now I am having the worst time because:

1- There were no problems in our relationship. We get along GREAT. The only issue was this.

2 - I can't fully comprehend why if he knows he wants to be with me for life, why he feels the need to go mess around with other girls. It really bothers me. I don't understand it at all. I will feel cheated on even though we're not together. How can he be with someone else if he loves me???

3 - I don't know how to feel about taking him back. I know I want him back, I know we're meant to be, but I don't know if I can deal with him having been with other people.

4 - I feel like I'm losing him. We are best friends and have told each other everything for over 3 years, it's weird not being around him as much, being intimate, and not knowing if I can ask what he did when he goes out.

5 - I don't know when he'll be done taking this break. I don't intend on being with anyone else, but the fact of not knowing how long this will be kills me even more.

6 - I think he's confused and it confuses me. Last month was our 3 year anniv. and he got me a diamond bracelet. He also told me the night we broke up that he was also looking at rings the day he bought the bracelet, but felt he was too young to do that. I don't get how someone can feel that way, then want a break.

 

 

I guess mainly I'm looking for a guy's opinion or someone who has went through this. I am afraid to lose him, but keep hoping that if it came down to it, he wouldn't be able to be with someone else because he loves me. I just feel like the days are dragging along and I have a constant feeling of nervousness and sadness. Any help is appreciated. Thanks.

 

[DragonGirl724]

im sorry broken angel,

 

but i went through the exact thing...my ex wanted 'a break' & said he still wanted to marry me when he was ready but nows not the time for a relationship for him. he needs time away.we'll still hang out be frineds & im all he wants ina girl etc but he needs time to do what he wants. at first i didnt understand it, then i did & i was cool with this 'break'...and at first he specifically said 'break'...well..it ended up being a breakup not long after. he too was 21 when he decided he needs to be alone. and it broke my heart. i felt completely shattered & the thought of losing my best friend literally made me sick. lost 10 pounds at the time, lost all motivation, got so upset that i actually fainted once almost twice.. its crazy! dont do it to yourself, dont allow him to speak to you for a while, do so when youre ready if you even have the desire to later on.

 

so listen, the best thing for you to do right now is grieve as you should, but DO NOT DWELL ON WHAT HE SAYS! like you, i heard all the promises in the world after we broke up. none of which came true. it was all just a sugar coated escape route. they sometimes do this 'to make it easier on the dumpee'..but in reality its torture. so dont do what i did. dont believe his lines. face the reality of it now & the better off youll be. i know how you feel, TRUST ME. & i know this may sound like i dont but im telling you this now b/c i know i needed someone to tell me this when i was living in false hope & his lies....you have to erase what he said, take it that it means nothing. it COULD mean something down the line but if it does then itll work out...but to protect yourself, dont fall into this. dont believe what he says. i fed into every line that an ex gf could possibly hope for their ex love to say...that was my mistake. it prolonged unbareable pain. and itll do the same to you. the sooner you rid yourself from him the better. please take my word on it. surround yoursself with upbeat friends & family. do all you possibly can to enjojy your youth now...b/c this time last year i was a devestated mess...but now in all honesty i havent been better & i see now how i needed to be single. i would have missed out on a lot of people & experiences if i wasnt.

 

goodluck & keep your chin up ok..your world isnt lost. we are all responsible for our OWN happiness...dont let a breakup destroy it for you.

 

take care,

-DG724

[tiger_lilies]

My good friend (male) is going through exactly the same thing! My friend is 28 and his ex-girlfriend of three years is now 21. So they hooked up when she was only 19. They had what my friend called the "perfect relationship". He did everything he could to make her happy and about 3 months ago, she decided to break up with him. Her reason was because she wanted to "experience other people".

 

My friend is heartbroken. He wanted to marry her and had all these future plans with her so this break up was very sudden and unexpected. He says he can see the logic behide her explaination since she is young and hasn't had any real relationship before him.

 

She also says that she still loves him and she seems to think that a friendship can develop out of this. My friend is extremely bitter and is trying 'no contact' and I know that he is hurting tremendously inside. He says he would've rather her cheated on him than to break up for this kind of reason.

 

I can see why she made this type of decision. I can't blame her for wanting to meet new people. Truth is, she just doesn't want the same things my friend does. As pertaining to your situation too.

 

Your guy is still young...and so are you. Everything you have shared together will be cherished, but things change in every relationship. He has come to you by being honest about his feelings but in turn has hurt you. Bottom line is that he has changed...he wants new experiences for himself...to develop more of his own character.

 

I know your confused and hurting. It will take time for you to come to terms with his decision, meanwhile I suggest that you surround yourself with friends and family. Create your own life too! Meet new people and try new things for YOURSELF. This is the only way for you to heal. You have to start living your life for YOU, not for him or as a couple.

Take Care.

[DragonGirl724]

life's experiences can either make you or break you....dont let this break you. you will come out of this wiser, stronger, & more aware of what you want for yourself & what you want in a mate. being single is a soul searching time of your life & you never come out of it the same person as you do going into it. and its up to you to emerge from this as a new & improved woman, or you could go the other route....that choice is up to you. you will survive this heartbreak either way. stay strong & dont be afraid. and in time the lonliness will fade. we're all here for you.

 

-DG724

[elizmdavis]

I agree with dragon girl 100%.

 

Also, you have got to respect his feelings and be appreciative that he is being honest with you, at least he is breaking things off for this good anahonest reason instead of something else.

 

You never know what this change might bring for you...the only way you can find out is by rolling with the change and seeing what happens. Boy oh boy it will not be easy, but in many ways you will come out stronger in the end.

 

Keep your head up and believe in yourself.

 

Best of luck yo you.

[djedix]

He's scared about growing up.

 

I was on the flip side of this. I was a guy who had a girl who came runing backing into my life, and we had a great relationship. Then everythign fell apart once she relized everything she told me, and thought she wanted, wasnt really what she wanted. She told me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, and she never pictured anyone else. Then she tells me she wants a break, and can't do this now, and doesnt want me to wait around for her to get better, whatever excuses she could think of, instead of coming out and saying "Chris, i'm just not ready for this. I've changed"

 

It hurt so much. I lost weight too, i got sick, stayed in bed a few days. I was completely destroyed. It took me a few days but i accepted reality. But that's the key objective. Accepting the reality that they have changed, and they are not who they were. People change all the time. I've changed so much in the past 3 years. I'm very mature for my age. She (23) wasn't. She wanted to be a kid, she wanted to stay a kid, and she didn't want to grow up. That is why we failed. I accept it all now, but in no way do i let it hold me back. I wish she would 'grow up' and come back, but that's just a dream. I'm gonna give her her break, and im not going to wait around for her to come back. I've got a big heart that someone else will eventually find, and when they do i will GLADLY give it to them

 

You will be fine. It will take time, as long as you need but you will be fine. A heart that hurts, is a heart that beats.

[a.d.c.]

You're boyfriend took a big risk by asking you for a break. When a man asks a woman for a break, he knows it totally opens the possiblity of her meeting someone new. Your boyfriend is willing to take that risk and I'll tell you why.

 

He told you he wanted to spend more time with his friends, he wants to meet other women, & he finds himself looking at other women more often(that's alot of stuff to put up with. You're loyal for still being with him).

The way he sees it is that he's told you all of this and you're still with him. He figures that in this time apart he can go and do what he wants and you'll still wait around for him. And by what you said in your post it's apparent that you would take him back. It's all too easy for him.

 

He knows this hurts you and he knows that he's got all the power right now to do what he wants in this relationship. (I've been guilty of this before & I've paid the price for it. It taught me a great lesson for my other relationships though)

 

BUT I bet if you start talking to other guys, go and have fun, and make it seem like this time apart doesn't faze you, then he'll be singing a different tune. He'll realize that he could really lose the woman he says he wants to marry and he'll come back in total regret. That is if he means what he says.

 

 

IMO taking a break in a relationship is counter productive. And by your post I question his priorities. And whether your the top one. You should be if he's in love with you and you've been together for 3 years. Right?

OR I guess he could be a commitmentphobe, which isn't good either.

 

Like I said earlier you seem to be a loyal person. You deserve better from him. And if not from him then someone else.

 

You're thinking with your heart right now and condoning his actions. Think with your head and really analyze this situation. Do what's best for you and your well being.

 

Hope it gets better

[DragonGirl724]

i agree completely w/ djedix & a.d.c. very well thought out guys. you brought up some very valid & interesting points.

 

-DG724

[brokenangel]

a.d.c. is right. I guess that he knows this because of how much I love him. But I don't know how to act any different. He's my best friend and I don't want to lose contact with him or let him go. I don't think he's changed. I think it's more of a "this is it" kinda thing and he wants to do his thing. I just don't know if I can accept it. I told him this, and he says he would understand if I wouldn't take him back, but I just can't fathom why he would want to risk losing me.

 

I really believe he is telling me the truth (someone in here said that he may be lying). Well how can I find out for sure other than how I said, "If you really just want this to be over, let me know instead of giving me some false hope." I think he wants to be back with me, but there's this other side that is conflicting. For example, the night after we broke up, he asked me to come hang out for a bit. He invited me to his dad's for dinner this Thursday. Doesn't this sound like he's confused instead of "

dumping me nicely"?

 

My head could just explode right now.

[goddess23]

wow what is it about these younger guys??! lol...i went through the EXACT SAME THING, you've gotten some pretty good replies, ill just put in my two cents. honeslty i know in my case my ex was ACTUALLY CONFUZZLED, that he really didnt know what he wanted. it wanst even about other girls or anything, it was just one of those guy stages, but he waso nly 15 lol. still same idea, he said it wasjust a break which within a few minutes of the converstaion became a breakup. but you definitely need to show him that this doesnt bother you...that you're fine with it, you even agree with this notion. when my ex and i broke up, for the first couple of weeks we were super close, like still dating, and slowly started to drift, and i acted extra happy. eventually that pretense became reality, i was beginning to move on. i loved him, and i will always love him and care for him, but i was moving on. well 6 months after our breakup and he tells me that he still likes me--he just doesnt want that steep comitment. so we're taking it slow. im just saying if you go on wit hlife he'll realize what he needs to--if he really loves you or if its best you guys start new lives.

[brokenangel]

Exactly what I'm scared of...Letting him do this, be with other people, then him move on when we have something great together. Come on, have any other guys been through this? I need some explaining b/c mine can't really much than he already has. Am I right in believing that if he does this, he will move on???

[DragonGirl724]

brokenangel,

 

listen he may or may not be sugar coating & 'dumping you nicely' BUT take my word!!! dont do what i did..i went w/ my gut & believed him. i felt i had no reason not to...but i got burned in the end...and its not just me. this happens to a lot of people..so the best thing for you to do now is not dwell on his words...but instead PROTECT YOUR HEART! acknowledge the fact he could be BSing you...dont be surprised if in a month or so he misses you...b/c that happens too....but it doesnt necessarily mean he wants to be with you. breakups are very complicated. so clear your mind of it as much as you can right now & dont live in the hope that hes coming back...b/c itll hurt that much more once the potential reality of it all seeps in. dont live in denial, dont live in hope, just live your life without him & see where the future takes you.

 

its always more pleasant to wish for the best, but take my word, you dont know whats best for you right now...God works in ways we may never understand. this could be a blessing in disguise. what you want right now may not be what you want a year from now as much as you convince yourself elsewise. so instead of hoping for the 'best', prepare for the worst. and soon enough the 'worst', will turn into the 'best'.

 

-DG724

[DragonGirl724]

Exactly what I'm scared of...Letting him do this, be with other people, then him move on when we have something great together. Come on, have any other guys been through this? I need some explaining b/c mine can't really much than he already has. Am I right in believing that if he does this, he will move on???

 

first of all, you arent going to 'let him' do or not do anything! you are not together nor can you control any of his decision making...& thats the reality of it all. the only thing you CAN have control over right now is yourself. so live for you now. its the only way youll ever be happy again.

 

orrrrr you can linger around & wait for something that may never come. wasting your life away.

 

the choice is yours.

 

-DG724

[brokenangel]

I know you may be right, but your posts scare me! Why would he still tell me he loves me and give me hugs and kisses? When we talked about it the other night he said that he said, "it feels like a part of me feels empty inside".

Does this not mean anything??? I hate to say it now, but those little things give me hope so does the fact that his friends are telling me it doesn't make sense to them and that they just think he's scared, but will be back.

 

I don't know.

[RayKay]

I know you may be right, but your posts scare me! Why would he still tell me he loves me and give me hugs and kisses? When we talked about it the other night he said that he said, "it feels like a part of me feels empty inside".

Does this not mean anything??? I hate to say it now, but those little things give me hope so does the fact that his friends are telling me it doesn't make sense to them and that they just think he's scared, but will be back.

 

I don't know.

 

You or his friends are not the ones that can make decisions for him - just because something is great on paper, does not mean he feels it is entirely right for him. You can love someone - just not enough to be involved with you. Basically in his mind being with you in a committed relationship is not enough of a gain to offset what HE feels he might lose in doing so.

 

I too had a boyfriend who broke up with me who still loved me, who still hugged me and kissed me..but in the end the fact was that I was NOT the one for him. He did not WANT to hurt me, he did care for me and love me, but he felt something just wasn't right. At the time I did not understand, at the time I felt I WAS right for him and even friends could not understand why he was not with me - he just wasn't.

 

It was painful, but I moved on (we are still friends though). And in the end it worked out for the best for me, I am with the ONE for me now (and I am knowingly his one too and he lets me know I am loved all the time, but not only by telling me - by SHOWING me). I would not change a thing now, and am glad things happened as they did - so one day the reasons for it will be clear and what you want will change.

 

Now, you just need to let him go. Maybe he will come back - but nothing you do now will make that happen as he has to WANT to come back. And if he does he will say those words and make sure no one else can have you - not leave you free to date others or say "maybe one day".

 

I think you really need to make a decision to move on - it is VERY hard, but you WILL heal and you WILL feel better in some time. Don't live your life for him, live it for YOU.