Wedding dress theory

[overthemoon86]

To be honest, I think it is a bad sign that he has not said I love you in 10 months and you have already said it. There is clearly a fear of commitment or something going on. Or maybe he doesn't feel the same way. I also think the wedding dress analogue makes no sense... and probably anything to do with a "wedding" is going to scare off a guy afraid of commitment.

 

I don't think this is the right relationship for you. I would really reconsider this and move on.

[tattoobunnie]

Why buy the milk when he keeps getting it for free? And his tuition!

 

Red flag that fact that he was spending his money on a wedding, and not his education, which at his age, why didn't he finish prior?

 

Another red flag, he can't say I love you - cuz he doesn't.

 

Another red flag, you both aren't regularly getting it on, but he's not asking why. It's cuz he probably doesn't care.

 

Why would he leave a sugar momma? Unless you are married, and he's a contributor, don't pay his debts.

 

Stop being a doormat.

[undergrad1]

I don't pay his debts and when he talks about a future and being married with me I tell him his debts have to be paid first. I wasn't paying for his past problems he created. The girl he was with like brainwashed him to think its okay to get married first. She even caused problems with him and his own mother. Now they are great

[tattoobunnie]

 

People are not at all like wedding dresses. Your analogy doesn't work for me. A wedding dress is for show and ceremony on one day and is all about you. A person to love is a real complex independent other being with thoughts, values, beliefs, history, habits, interests, goals, etc.

 

Yeah, people are not wedding dresses, unless you plan to try them on for several months to a few years, and get them dirty, have intellectual conversations with them, share life goals, clean them up, rip them here and there, travel together.

 

You don't have to marry everyone you date, or have sex with. Not sure why you keep paying for his mistakes. It's not like he racked up hospital bills.

[tattoobunnie]

I don't pay his debts and when he talks about a future and being married with me I tell him his debts have to be paid first. I wasn't paying for his past problems he created. The girl he was with like brainwashed him to think its okay to get married first. She even caused problems with him and his own mother. Now they are great

 

You are paying his tuition, which he was avoiding because he is paying his debts which equals you paying for the wedding that never happened for another woman.

[undergrad1]

He never accepted it. I offered it because I have so much free. And if I didn't use it before 2019 it's a waste.

[skytrain]

I'm going to weigh in here. It seems to me, although I don't know all the details of your relationship nor your experiences together, but to me it would very concerning 10 months into a relationship with someone I loved and I didn't hear it back.

 

It sounds like he has some commitment issues. He probably is carrying emotional baggage from his 8 year relationship. I can understand that, as I was in a 6 year relationship and I carried the weight of that for some time afterwards. I wasn't truly ready to commit to another person and I made the mistake of getting into a relationship too quickly. It didn't last long (2 months) and I had to end it with the fellow because I wasn't ready.

 

He may not be ready for commitment and feels obligated to stay because he knows you love him. Which is wrong and inconsiderate of your emotions. It sounds like to me you've expressed, I'm not sure how clearly or deeply, that you've told him and you are wondering why he hasn't said it back.

 

Do you really truly love this guy? Or are you settling? I think love is different for everyone but when two people connect it can be pretty clear. Love is such a strong and powerful (and complex) emotion. He is holding back for whatever reason. He may not love you. That could be one reason and he doesn't want to say it if he doesn't feel it. He may be waiting and trying to feel it and it hasn't happened. Which is something you have to consider. Do you want to be with someone who has to discover and grow love for you?

 

He may be one of those check list people. That's what I call them anyways. They keep a scorecard in their head. Once you pass all the deal breakers then it's okay to say it. Which is not right either. But it happens with relationships sometimes when someone has deep commitment issues. He has to be willing to accept you as a person, full heartily, mind, body and spirit; the good the bad and the ugly

[undergrad1]

Skytrain I appreciate your comment. It seemed to help out a lot more than any other ones

[Ms Darcy]

Much of this is confusing to me. You are offering him money to go back to school and yet he hasn't said I love you? You don't want to get married any time soon but you want to know if someone is on the same path as you? I'm not even sure what that means. You are unhappy that you two are not completely committed yet what you want in life can happen "with or without marriage." Huh? What kind of COMPLETE commitment are you looking for at this point?

 

Perhaps the best thing would be to really sit down and talk to him. You have an order you want to your life. Maybe you can communicate that with him and see what his plans (if any) are.

 

Because even as an outsider, a lot of the stuff you are saying is vague and sometimes inconsistent.

[Ms Darcy]

To be honest, I think it is a bad sign that he has not said I love you in 10 months and you have already said it. There is clearly a fear of commitment or something going on.

 

I think it also could be he just hasn't fallen in love but he's comfortable.

[overthemoon86]

I think it also could be he just hasn't fallen in love but he's comfortable.

 

Maybe, it just seems really strange that you are with someone for 10 months and you can't express how you feel? That seems really odd to me. I feel that if you are truly committed to someone and excited, you can express yourself... and 10 months is enough time to know if you are feeling that way.

[Ms Darcy]

Maybe, it just seems really strange that you are with someone for 10 months and you can't express how you feel? That seems really odd to me. I feel that if you are truly committed to someone and excited, you can express yourself... and 10 months is enough time to know if you are feeling that way.

 

Oh I completely agree with that. I wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't say I love you in 10 months. I just think that it might not be a commitment issue on his end.

[journeynow]

I think you two don't see this relationship the same. " He has stayed with me since day 1 of this current relationship." " It's 10 months now." " He dated a girl for 8 years and the last year they were engaged." I misread the last part at first and thought this said last year he was engaged. How long ago did they break up? How much time between that relationship and this one? Could it be he's on the rebound?