my girlfriend has a close guy friend

[surething]

I've been with my gf for close to 4 months now. Around the beginning she told me she has a close guy friend. She said they went out once but it didn't work out or something. Apparently they're good friends. I'll admit that alone doesn't make me happy but i can deal with it. The thing that really kills me is that he apparently loves her. He told her he loves her. I don't know if that was as a friend, but i'm pretty sure he meant it as more. My gf's best friend is a good friend of mine, and she agrees with me and tells me all of these things about this guy.

 

He is away at college this year, but last winter he was in town and i met him at her families party. He hovered over her and basically acted like he was her boyfriend, even though i was right there. He totally disrespected me and barely said hi. I didn't realize it until a day or two later and since then i've hated his guts. I wanted to beat him down. Then, a few days later he took her to a play at a really nice theater in town. Just the two of them. She was grounded from seeing me at the time, and she still got to go out with him. This was like a date, whether she admits it or not. Then they went to her house and watched movies with her family. And during this, he would touch her leg, and hair and stuff like that. Her best friend told me this, my gf hid it from me. So i think if she hid that from me then who knows what else happens that no one tells me about. I think i have the right to know and it kills me. Thats why i don't want them hanging out alone or even doing much at all together. I can understand just being friends with someone, but i think he crossed the line that he's no good. She is so naive and she thinks nothing of this situation. That really bothers me. She knows i don't like him. I wish he would just leave her alone and stay away.

 

Every bf she's had has a problem with it and he always causes trouble. It started an argument between us but we got past it. Everything has been fine. But now that he'll be in town for spring break, its really starting to worry me again and i HATE it. He called her a few days ago and again yesterday when we were out. I know i can't deny her to see him or be friends with him, but i don't think thats crazy because in my opinion, he isn't really being her friend and he just wants to be close so he can move in. I could be wrong but come on.

 

What do you think? I don't know what to do here. If he's around her over spring break i will be so angry and i don't know what i'll do. And now it hits me that summer is close and he'll be around all the time then. I'm also worried that he'll cross the line more and my gf won't tell me about it. I'm really freaking out and it bothers me so much. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[sarahmaria]

i understand what you're saying..but have you tried talking to your girlfriend about this?

try to bond with the guy.. i mean, you said it yourself, they're friends and they've been for a long time, over a period of several boyfriends..so its likely she's not going to be breaking up this friendship anytime soon.. for all you know it can be innocent and he's being possesive of a friend.. so just hang out with him more, talk to him without your girlfriend around.. he probably just doesn't know you well enough..

[Cecelius]

I have a couple of thoughts, some of which won't be too palatable.

 

1) She's been your g/f for 4 months which is not that long, and too soon for you to be that serious with her (regardless of your feelings for her, you need to remain your own man, and not let her in too soon).

 

2) This guy has been an issue for other guys -- as she has said, one of the ways she qualifies b/fs is to see how this affects them. She still thinks its appropriate, which I happen not to, but she has basically told you how its going to be. If that's not your cup of tea, then I'd dump her

 

3) It is basically shady, though she's being upfront about it: here's a guy she used to sleep with, who is avowedly interested in her, with whom she goes on dates. I honestly think this other guy is a chump hanging around hoping to get lucky, but she may really think him harmless and have no evil intentions; on the other hand, she seems to get a pretty big ego boost from him and, frankly, she's waiving herself in front of him. Even if she's trustworthy, do you really want to go out with a girl who needs that much ego prompting.

 

4) On the other hand, she may really value his friendship and be one of those people who is absolutely ignorant about boys who hang around girls hoping to get somewhere...

 

The ONLY way for this to work is for you to be extremely cool about it -- do not care, do not be bothered. Encourage her to go out with him. Also, dig up your own friends a lot, especially girls, and go out with them (not just when she's out with him, do not coordinate your life around her).

 

If she asks, tell her it's important for everyone to have their own life and to be having a good time.

[sarahmaria]

Cecelius, seriously..aren't you being a little cynical here? thats the only advice you can give?

it doesn't even seem to me that she's testing him, i mean after 4 months and now she wants to find if he's worthy?? its illogical..

[splendidlylost]

Find out the real deal on this guy, Surething and ask your g/f about him.

 

I'm in a situation slightly similar to that of your g/f. I'm dating someone now who I'm happily in love with. However, she has more than understandable objections to my hanging out with a friend of mine who I also dated for about 3 years...but I haven't been with her for over a year now. My theory is that this guy is harmless, like my ex. We hang out and have a good time...and yeah, we go grab dinner, just us. But nothing comes of it. Since this guy has been trouble before, and nothing happened, it may just be that none of the other guys had the maturity and security to handle her having this guy friend. I can understand her situation, trying to convince my own g/f that there's nothing to worry about.

[Cecelius]

My 4 month comment means that they ought not be that wrapped up in each other after only 4 months.

 

I don't think I said she was testing him, but she has stated that how her b/fs deal with this is an issue to her.

[OceanEyes]

Something that I'd like to know, is why the heck her "best friend" is telling you about these things like it's no big deal. Something tells me that she may have something to gain by telling you things like this. Be careful what you believe from her, the things she tells you may be a vast exaggeration, or even flat-out lies. Ask yourself what this girl has to gain by telling you these things.

 

If what you've heard IS true, then I'm sorry to say, but your girlfriend can't be all that into you. If she is letting some other guy touch her leg, hair, and court her around the city to theatres while you sit at home, there is probably a chance that things are not working out. Make it clear to her that you don't want to be 'that guy' who takes garbage like that.