Robinthehood1 Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 My wife of 11.5 years has told me for the third time in a year that she wants to separate and consider divorce. I am absolutely crushed and devastated. We have three beautiful boys together, good careers, a lot of wonderful friends and family and a gorgeous home. On the surface, we are an ideal family. She no longer believes we can be happy together and she doesn't want to grow old and bitter that she didn't seek it elsewhere. This is not what I want at all. Our marriage has had a lot of problems over the years and I have been the cause of many of them. Let me clear, I have never cheated on my wife. I have never physically abused her. But I have spent a number of years dealing with my own inner demons, fears and insecurities. These last six weeks have been torture. She is distant and cold. She still communicates with me but it's not the same. She has been talking to some guy via text and phone calls on and off for the past 18 months. He is across the country so it isn't physically but I believe she is having and emotional affair with him and some of her recent behaviors and actions are a result of her believing she will be happier outside of our marriage. I am still deeply in love with the woman I knew. I don't want to break up our home or family. I am trying to focus on me and my own happiness but it's extremely difficult; especially when she seems to be so much happier around everyone else than she is with me. I need perspective; I need thoughts and comments from both sides of the coin. I know she has to be the one who chooses to come back and that I cannot force it. I just want to find the man she fell in love with. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 What were the problems you caused? Link to comment
Robinthehood1 Posted July 17, 2016 Author Share Posted July 17, 2016 I was angry for a long time. Not with her but with myself. I have abandonment and rejection issues and when things weren't stacking up how I thought they should, I would lash out. This was a few years back. I have been on a journey of self discovery for a few years and really tempered my anxieties. I have been seeing a therapist and have a much better understanding of what my triggers are. She tried to connect with me emotionally for a long time and I didn't know how. I am a much differently and better man than I was 18 months ago; not perfect but on my way to a better me. Yet I still finding myself depending on her for my own happiness which is a problem. Link to comment
nihongo Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 What are your wife's thoughts about you trying to improve yourself through therapy? Link to comment
Robinthehood1 Posted July 17, 2016 Author Share Posted July 17, 2016 She is glad that I am going and have someone to talk to but she just doesn't believe there is anything more to do for us. She believes she will be able to find happiness with us apart. 17 years together and 11.5 years married with three boys is too much for me to simply walk away from. It wasn't easy for her to come to this decision and she is having doubts but has also told me she doesn't regret it at all. It's hard because over these past six weeks she has turned into a completely different person than the woman I have known all these years. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 Eleven and a half years of this, is a lot. I don't think that you are really seeing your place in this, as you seem to be whitewashing things.. Clearly she was experiencing emotional abuse, due to your anger issues. This is huge. The fact that you said that you did not cheat or hit her, is not seeing the impact of your behavior - this also has a tremendous impact on your kids. Happy to hear that you are now seeking therapy. I think that she is done - I do not agree with how she is going about things. I think that you should focus on your kids and therapy. Yes. Depending on another for happiness is big problem. Link to comment
Robinthehood1 Posted July 17, 2016 Author Share Posted July 17, 2016 I don't disagree with anything you are saying and she has acknowledged her own role in this. I know the impact of my behavior and battle my own guilt and shame everyday. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 The important thing is, is that you are on a positive path. Have you done couples counseling? Link to comment
Robinthehood1 Posted July 17, 2016 Author Share Posted July 17, 2016 Twice. I screwed it up both times. I feel the only path back together is to be a part for a while. Hard thing to accept. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 Perhaps, it's time to move on. Link to comment
Robinthehood1 Posted July 17, 2016 Author Share Posted July 17, 2016 Maybe. Maybe not. I'm focusing on me and my kids. Though this feels like an emergency, it isn't. Time and patience. I'm not ready to move on but know I can't force anything on her. I can control the man I want to be and she can or cannot choose to accept that man. Time and patience. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 Have you considered focusing on her and her happiness? Self-absorption isn't really the road to recovery for a marriage. Why not try marriage counseling? Or is this separation a prelude to divorce, they usually are? Have you covered your bases and consulted both an attorney and a counselor? I am trying to focus on me and my own happiness but it's extremely difficult; especially when she seems to be so much happier around everyone else than she is with me Link to comment
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