How can u Love & Hate someone in equal messures

[edward]

I have known my wife for more than 25 yrs, Married 23yrs! this yrs. Like most marriages there have been bad & good. For a good part,but not all she has been unable to get out of the house. suffering years of unfare anxity, panic attacks and a general inability to live what most people would call a "normal life" what ever normal means. So she has had it bad.My life went on but i always made it around our problem, because as husband and wife( for better and worse ) it was our problem and i did and still love her.

Four weeks ago I ask her is everything ok, ok between us. Her reply has taken me to lows I never could exist. As a "MAN" i thought i can handle most if not all situations that came way.Wrong wrong wrong! My heart actually feels like it is being ripped out. my hands shake.I can't sleep without takeing Tablets and then i'm up at three in the morning.

So here I am pooring my life story out to who? for what? Life stinks & Love stinks.

How can u Love & Hate someone in equal messures.

[chai714]

Edward,

Not sure if you were looking to get things off your chest or not. What exactly was her reply?

[edward]

she says,I don't know.

You tell me what that means, i think i know

looks like i'm no longer in that dame circle of trust or love. 23yrs surporting her panic attacks,and just when she starts to feel able to get out of the house,it's a case thanks for being there all those yrs but i'm off. yet i still feel sorry her! sad or what

[Luscious]

How can you love someone and Hate them at the same time?

 

To respond to the question...I don't know your situation or anything but can assume things...It sounded as if you have been there for your wife through thick and thin and it has been hard especially for you since she could not lead the 'normal' life that fits the world definition and through it all nothing has change with you and the way you feel about her its like when yall got married a couple years back...so why doesn't she feel the same way or love you back the way you love her?

 

So even though your love will probably never die you hate her for the way she's making you feel... she's not realizing that if you had to do it again you would and would not do anything different!! You hate her b/c even though she says these harsh things to her you still wanna be with her and it hurts ...

 

I'm only trying to read between the lines, so if I'm wrong about inferring anything I said I'm sorry and remember everything is gonna be okay.

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

 

If u are talking about love-hate relationship, u can drop it, i have nebber believe in that anyway.

 

If u are talking about loving her at certain times she is sweet to u and hate her for reacting in a certain ways u find revolting. I will agree with u wholeheartedly.

 

In fact hatred, is due the fact u love her more than she loves you. And u are unhappy with the results u have gotten from her.

Nevertheless, that doesnt mean she dun love you. How can someone lives with u for 23 yrs with no feelings of love for you? I dun think so.

 

'i dun know' may not be 'i dun have a conscience'. It could be 'i really dun know how to reply you'. She may not be very good at expressing herself, or simply u cant find a good answer for you.

 

There is no such thing as love and hate at equal measures. It is either u love her more, or she loves u more.

[Vanilla]

Love and hate are both very powerful emotions, the two extremes, that although don't seem to go hand in hand, they do have the same effects on us.

 

They both blind us. They both take over us.

 

I think the only reason you feel/believe you hate her is just like you said, because you love her. When someone you don't know or really care for does something to upset you, they upset you but in the end what the hell do you care you don't know them so it doesn't run your life.

 

But when someone you love, someones you trusted, someone whom you gave your days and years to, then you jump to extremes because no one can hurt you more than that person be it your spouse, mother, father, sister, brother etc. It's the let down of all that love that can trigger than pain in us like nothing else.

 

Thats the sad part in love and people in general. Nobody can predict how one will feel tomorrow, or next year. Everybody knows hearts can change, people change and while it may be a frightening thought to some of us we can't stop it. Work on you and how you feel today, land worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes.

 

I really wish you the best of luck. I hope things get better.

[kalshane]

Sounds like you've been coming up with your end of the bargain. What does she do for you?

[melrich]

Hi,

 

I can understand your disquiet. When you asked her whether she loved you and she said "I don't know" how long did she think about her answer?

 

My guess is that she is probably going through a lot of conflicting emotions at the moment. Excitement that her condition is improving, fear of the changes that will bring etc. She may also be "re-assessing" her life, change often leads us to doing that.

 

At a guess I think maybe that in part her response somes from that re-assessment. It is possible that she is subconsciously laying some of the blame for her condition over the past years on to you. That is a normal response in a situation like this. When we see the "light" we question why we have not seen it before and we are hesitant to accept the whole responsibility, so we look to those around us to share some of that responsibility.

 

You need to give her time to come to terms with the changes that are going on for her. My feeling is taht when she gets to the stage of objective re-assessment she will acknowledge the support you have given her over so many years and she will understand how deep her feelings are for you. Try not to be too hurt by what she says and does right now. This will be a period of significant adjustment for you too. Seek professional help if you find you are struggling to cope.

 

I hope it all turns out well for you. Stay calm.

[edward]

Thanks for all your comments and words of advice. I will us them over the coming months along with all the advice i have received.

I hope i start to function properly soon, get back to work etc but it is very hard when you are still liveing in the same house. I know some might say i have to get out but there is my daughters especially the youngest! Then there is the money, i can't afford £400 rent plus my own morgage and everything else.

My "wife" is at the very early stages of getting out. She has never worked, used public transport the hole thing is a mess. but it's great to think i'm not the only one. Which of corse i knew but thanks again for spending the time reading and replying.

[edward]

I would like to thank everyone who has read or replied to this post. I have also found reading posts from other people very healing. The death of my marriage to my wife seems all but over, still hurts always will but i'm holding in there for now.Thanks to this brilliant web site and the people on it I am on the move. I want have access to a computor so i'll say my good byes now.Thank you all. Edward.

[arwen]

hey edward,

 

I hope you will feel better soon. Let us know about how things are going if you need it, and have access to the net.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.