Was that the one?

[GregJohnder]

I'm 21 years old, but for the greater portion of my life, it was easily recognized that romance and relationships were not a significant part of me. I would get involved with those that showed interest because essentially, that's what people do, right? Well, I broke hearts and lost people I didn't want out of my life, and I realized that I needn't be doing this until I possessed a little more certainty. Coming out of the closet was the thing that really justified this pattern. Once it became men, feelings flourished, but it was often like throwing water into dried up places.

 

I sought a good friend whom I realized I wanted a bit more from after I uncovered his feelings for me in the past. It put me in a situation where I moved far from home to be with him, but he was apparently unaware of my intentions, and I took some great risks. No relationship emerged as he had moved on despite me and had created something new for himself. Our feelings went to waste, and now I live with him and his significant other who moved in later. The process was collectively confusing and hellish, but a decent friendship remained.

 

That's the setup.

 

I guess I found myself in a place where I just needed love. I turned to online dating because it was an "avenue," but I always knew in the back of my mind that I didn't want to meet someone in such a way. Curiosity brought me to texting someone regularly until we first decided to meet up. We talked for five hours. I can't say I was completely lovestruck, but I felt a connection and ran with it. We continued seeing one another and it led to my first bought with affection and intimacy, and I craved it. This person was far more experienced than I, and it was only my first relationship. Being far from home, I was in a place where I was trying to learn about myself and get a sense of where life might take me, whereas, this person had clear goals and financial security as well as a strong understanding of what he wanted from another person. I think it became clear that we were just fundamentally different people, but we were smart about it and loved love.

 

I slowly found myself ripping from my foundation, though. I knew so little about myself, and that sense of exploration was not something that was very present in my partner at this stage in life. He knew I had much to learn, and he was patient. He'd assure me in my meltdowns that I was not crazy, and that I wasn't a bad boyfriend. I can see he did his best. The issue was that I became reliant on this person for my own happiness, and their restriction they had gained through experience started to feel like egg shells. He had a certain emotional detachment that I took personally. Having never really let someone in like that before or told them I loved them, those learned limits felt like rejection of what I could offer. This cascaded into all kinds of panic, irrationality, and selfishness. We broke up once based on the idea that we were just in very different stages of life, but he came back to me. He didn't think it was over.

 

From that point forward, there was strain. I think we both had a sense of losing one another, and it frightened us and created walls. It just got to a point where I had so much love I wanted to show, but I didn't know how to make it function. I was having regular panic attacks around him and kept alluding to a break up again. He seemed to understand that it was going to be a loss of the relationship that made me learn to become more self-assured and satisfied. Nobody wants to hear that or see a loved one like that, and despite him trying to talk me down and making me see that he didn't want me to leave, he couldn't see me destroying myself like that. He ended it in one of the worst afternoons of my life. There were many tears, and unlike the first time, he returned my stuff I had given him and erased me from his life. I was blocked on social media, and most likely can't contact him on the phone. I haven't tried.

 

And so now I'm left with the strong lesson that came from it. It was many firsts for me. I wake up still three weeks out in a lot of pain and sorrow from hurting him and not understanding how to thrive in that situation. I have many memories and strands of life given to me that linger. For him, however, it was simply a loss, I think, and that's what drives me nuts. I really wanted to be the one to make things right for him, but I know he's no stranger to standing on his own. That's more of a foreign concept to me. I just read these stories of people getting back together and constantly think back on the times that we admitted to one another that it might not be our time. I wonder if too much damage was done, or if it were long enough to see what we could be. We're only talking almost four months. I think on all the things that were mentioned that could be done in the future that just won't be now. If I had let that relationship breathe and not felt so fearful, I think we could have had something much more. I hope to see him one day despite the majority of people in my life thinking it was the wrong person for me. I know that I just wasn't ready, and I hope to find him when I'm in a better place, and I hope he's okay. I can't believe he's gone, and life without him just doesn't feel right.

 

I know moving on is really my only direction. I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to allow me to run back and make those same mistakes. It'd just hurt us both. I think life has quite a bit in store for me, and I'm just hanging on to the hope that he'll miraculously fall in front of me again. I feel my best chance for growth is to simply exercise control on myself and my life.

 

I'm just looking for thoughts or similar experiences at this point.

[Jibralta]

I like your insight. Despite your pain, you sound resilient and emotionally healthy. Many people have gone through what you're going through. Just read through this forum. You're not alone.

[GregJohnder]

Heh. Thanks. Everyone knows I've been fixated on it since it started, so I've had a decent amount of time to try and hit every angle. Truth is, compatibility plays a huge part, and putting all this energy into hope for the (one, mind you) thing I've had, it's best to keep going. I've had a certain trust in fate that is only congenial with a trust in myself, and it's allowed me to experience a sense of joy and eagerness that I haven't had since the beginning of the relationship.

[Jibralta]

Are you saying that your trust in fate is what allows you to be happy?

[GregJohnder]

I'd say so. Me having such little experience with this, it's tough to call something right or wrong. I miss him dearly, and if I think too much about what he felt during it, I crumble. So I just have to trust and see where it places me.

[catfeeder]

Was that the one?

I'm 21 years old,

 

Probably not. Your creativity and flair for the dramatic can either work for you or against you, depending on how you learn to use it. If you want to sink yourself into living in your head and using fantasy to escalate pain, you can do that--it's not against the law. Otherwise, you can project some of that creativity outward and surprise yourself with your own resiliency as you build a wonderful life for yourself with a lot of people in it who will be with you for a season, a reason, or forever. I wouldn't focus on trying to convert anyone into forever material--even in your own mind.

 

Head high.

[RainyCoast]

I'd say so. Me having such little experience with this, it's tough to call something right or wrong. I miss him dearly, and if I think too much about what he felt during it, I crumble. So I just have to trust and see where it places me.

 

great! i think this is an outlook worth keeping. it really worked well for me. i adopted it some time ago when i realized what fuelled my devastating perfectionism and psychological rigidity was the black and white perception of myself, others, "fate". I decided to give up this "evaluative polarizing" and told myself instead that everything is always exactly as it should be. not good/bad, it's as it should be. Thus the good became right, and the bad likewise. I can't emphasize enough how helpful that has been for me. I seem to bounce quickly from really low points, maintain a benevolence during stress or amongst fustrated people (although i do allow myself venting- i don't want to simply tell myself it's allright whilst supressing the feeling that it isn't, so i first vent, then remind myself it's as it should be lol) and i seem to learn quickly from setbacks and mistakes these days, i feel more responsive to the environment in a positive and efficient way and it's like life is responding to me as well- offering silver linings or uveiling the proverbial disguised blessings at a much quicker pace then previously- and that reinforces my fate in life and myself and others. a refreshingly productive circular pattern to be in!

 

there is a lot to learn from relationship dynamics- and like the previous posters said- you can put that to your advantage to develop increased insight, an acceptance that welcomes the entire repertoir of life's pain and losses as potent catalizers of growth,liberation and prosperity.

 

you have a strong drive for growth if you examine the subleties of your own state and other's and situations with such expansiveness and fairness. while intellectualization is a defense mechanism- being guilty of it myself i have come to realize, perhaps with a bias- it can lead to an exposure of blind spots, self-sabotage and the mysterious repressed, and also to one's discovery of "therapeutic windows".

 

Your writing style is expressive and evokes the idea of catharsis and sublimation...do you feel better after writing it down? in your case, it might help tremendously to express yourself creatively, as catfeeder said. And thoughts are evoked during discussion that one would not trigger on their own, but which might help fill the missing pieces for you to find cohesion in what happened and to be able to put it in your methaphorical book of life as "the thing that turned out exacly as it should have"-regardless of whether the outcome is one you'd currently prefer or not. keep posting if it helps! how about journalling?

 

I wish you courage and calming awareness.

[Jibralta]

I'd say so. Me having such little experience with this, it's tough to call something right or wrong. I miss him dearly, and if I think too much about what he felt during it, I crumble. So I just have to trust and see where it places me.

 

Yes. It's fine to believe in fate, but don't forget to allow for the possibility that its plan may be bigger than you conceive.

[GregJohnder]

i seem to learn quickly from setbacks and mistakes these days, i feel more responsive to the environment in a positive and efficient way and it's like life is responding to me as well- offering silver linings or uveiling the proverbial disguised blessings at a much quicker pace then previously- and that reinforces my fate in life and myself and others. a refreshingly productive circular pattern to be in!

 

I've already started to really experience how great of a perception it can be. I think the most difficult thing about this situation was that a lot of the things expressed in these comments, the "not living in your head" and essentially the idea of eradicating perceived limits, were things that this guy recognized in me but didn't necessarily stimulate, and it wasn't his job to. Me having very little intrinsic motivation, yeah, it became an issue with this relationship. I often think he was right for me for understanding those things, but I need to recognize that the loss is what allowed me to get to this point at all, something he was also right about.

 

It was so minuscule, but as everyone has been telling me: baby steps. I took a midday nap the other day before work. This has happened a number of times that I could count on one hand. I rarely am able because as I lay there, I think about what I should be doing to make it happen, get irritated when it doesn't, and then time feels wasted. This time around, I told myself that this is what I wanted and that it was going to happen. That's it. Sure enough, I woke up and found that I had just placed faith in myself for one of the first times ever. It's this whole "I can, because I am" mentality that trumps all of my doubts and fears. Kind of this light that's always over you if you allow it to be. My life hasn't had much religious influence, so this kind of occupied that part of me. The best I can is just fine, essentially.

 

Thanks a million for your response. It helped tremendously.

[GregJohnder]

Thanks for the response. This is the perspective I'm trying to cling to. There's a great deal I don't know that is to come in addition to future chances in seizing those moments I let slip before. I suppose dwelling on all the "what could have been" thoughts is really just the nature of these situations.