I met my Soulmate/love of my life

[Nathan B]

A year ago I met a girl I fell in love with before we ever went anywhere. We locked eyes and for weeks I saw signs with her name and felt her presence everywhere. I knew with a connection that strong she had to be mine. With a connection that strong I was floored... but as it would happen we also share alot of insecurities and she was going through a hard time in life exasperated by her anxiety medication that didn't help her feel her feelings.

 

Her grandparents invited her to Alabama (1000 miles away) to taper off the drug in a safe environment. I supported her in making that decision. Before she left she had a legitimate mania attack and slept with her ex boyfriend. I was heart broken but I still helped her move out and in those final days I have never known so much sadness, love and anger in the same way. To be honest I have never known unconditional love like someone could never do wrong. Forgiving her was never an option. It was always done for her.

 

She left and I took some time to heal myself. She ended up meeting a Christian minister and dating him. She essentially took his virginity and with the spiritual dogma that Christians push (I do love Jesus FYI) he started to fill her mind with all this concept of sin. He started to paint her against me as if I am Satan put here to tempt her to slip into her old ways. I let go.

 

I built up alot of energy chasing a girl that I truly had no connection with... but she is incredibly beautiful. I ended up having an incredibly honest hearted conversation with her before my ex came back to get her stuff. I basically admitted to myself that I was focusing on the wrong girl. When my Ex came back into town last week I had no expectations. I honestly just wanted to give her stuff back to her... but the energy was so strong. We ended up kissing and it lit my world up. She said she never felt so close to God and that she was hearing my name and seeing me everywhere. I was having a similar experience but admittedly felt scared too.

 

I drove to St Augustine a few days later where she was with her Mom before going back to AL. We had a disconnected experience. She didn't tell her BF she kissed me until halfway through our day together... then I flipped out and pushed her to not want to talk to me.

 

When she was telling me she didn't care to talk to me it didn't sound like her. Her language is unique to her. It sounded like it was coming from him. It was laced with Christian dogma that she is not accustomed to using. Worse than this situation I find myself judging a whole religion that I honestly love... but I am finding unfair in the one-sided slant to things. Anyways she is off to be with him and I feel like seeds have been planted for that to unravel favorably for me. He is going to Colombia for 2 months to do mission work this Summer. For me it is an opportunity to build rapport with her without him there.

 

I had all these rules like I would never keep someone around after the cheat, and I wouldn't go after someone else's girl. The rule book is out the window. Clearly that doesn't matter. She is the one. It scary for me to wait here. I'm so anxious. I have maybe 40 days till her BF leaves the country. I know I must remain no contact. It is hard. Knowing it doesn't help me feel better. Really just looking for validation and support. It is appreciated

[Wiseman2]

Do you think she's leave him?

She ended up meeting a Christian minister and dating him.. He is going to Colombia for 2 months to do mission work this Summer. For me it is an opportunity to build rapport with her without him there.

[Nathan B]

They have dated for as long as we have. We loved each other before we met (great connection). He said he loved her a few weeks ago and she could not reciprocate. She sees potential and likes the growth and thinks she can forge that love with time... I just don't think he can fulfill all of her needs. He is a devout Christian. We both are spiritual in variety and practice yoga's, Buddhism, Acim, and so many other modalities. She wants to be a Chinese medical doctor. He is helping her now which I am thankful but long-term she will need alot more than I think he can give. But we will see...

[Wiseman2]

What does she want? Him or you? Does she want to continue dating both of you to see where it goes?

They have dated for as long as we have. She sees potential and likes the growth and thinks she can forge that love with time.He is a devout Christian.

[Nathan B]

Right now she does not want me. She is confused and he forced her to cut me out, understandably she wants to honor her present commitment. I know she isn't clear about it. Intellectually speaking he is a safer partner. He has never slept with or kissed anyone his whole life (insecurity of being left). For her that is safe. While I cannot say the same I haven't been with anyone since she left and don't plan to be moving on with someone else for a little while. On the other hand the emotional connection is stronger with me... but we tag the out of each other's emotions. I have alot of spiritual growth to undertake in the coming weeks so she will feel safe with me and I will be more capable and ready to handle the emotions and moods she comes with.

[Wiseman2]

Do you still see her?

Right now she does not want me. she wants to honor her present commitment.Intellectually speaking he is a safer partner.

[Nathan B]

She is in Northern Alabama and I am in South Florida... so presently no. I am open to doing whatever it takes. I work from a laptop remotely so I can be anywhere and she has no commitments but him keeping her there. I may do a road trip this Summer as I am from the North East and want to visit some people. I have considered stopping in Alabama on the way up and/or back. For now my plan is no contact for about a month. Then light conversation. I don't need to do much as the connection is so strong that once I establish it the connection will do the rest.

[Wiseman2]

So you are hoping to visit her when her bf is out of town and persuade her to leave him and be with you?

She is in Northern Alabama and I am in South Florida.For now my plan is no contact for about a month.

[Nathan B]

No, she has to make that decision herself. I tried persuading her when I messed up the other day. That will not work. I just want to be her friend and present the possibility that I am. Anyways, from friendship her current BF will feel much more threatened and will likely end it by his own devices.

 

Currently I am not the person I need to be for her. My persuasion was aggressive and I know I don't want to be that man. I have alot of work to do and I don't need to sleep with her at this time. I just want to do the work in my heart of loving her as she is. If it's meant to be it will be... all I want to do is show up. Time is my friend on this one.

[Wiseman2]

Has she invited you? Unfortunately it sounds like she's moved on with this guy and wants to stay committed to him and you are trying to stalk her because of your fantasy that she is your soulmate.

all I want to do is show up.

[Nathan B]

She has not invited me and I will not go there unless she allows me to visit her. It's hard for me to think she has moved on when she kissed me the other day and said the things she said. I know I have said this of other relationships but I was lying to myself. I really let go of this girl... I totally moved on and she came back and I know what we have is real. When I said "all I want to do is show up" I meant that I want to be present in her life. As friends... whatever...

[Wiseman2]

So you just want t be friends?

As friends... whatever...

[Nathan B]

I want to honor her where she is at. If we were friends that would be more than enough.

[RainyCoast]

hun. very, very sorry to put it so rudely: you are on the verge of psychotic.

 

It scary for me to wait here.

who says you're waiting for anything? nothing is going to happen unless she, on her own, decides to dump him and pursue you again. you are waiting to manifest an illusory plan where you play more psychological manipulation on top of presumed psychological manipulation by the cleric on an already psychologically unstable girl. frankly, in an ideal world, both of you would leave this kid to heal at her grandparents' house.

 

however, unstable or not, she chose to get involved with him. she chose to not be involved with you. "i had to have her" is how you started your post. you may wish and want. but you don't get to manipulate to get what you want but the other clearly does not want.

 

leave it.

[Blue Ridge]

I want to honor her where she is at. If we were friends that would be more than enough.

 

Oh, but it wouldn't. You're obsessed. I don't say that as an insult, just a statement of fact. I've been there, and I cringe when I remember it. She isn't your soulmate, she's someone you are obsessed with. When you get a few years distance from this situation, you will see this girl in a very different way. My advice is going to go against every fiber of your being, but you need to move on and try to never think about her. Certainly don't contact her in any way. Date someone else, pursue hobbies, exercise and take care of yourself. Time and perspective is the only medicine.

[Nathan B]

Thank you everyone. I am a humble man and I can admit to myself that there is something very much not alright within me. To manipulate and to bend is a dangerous proposition for me. I don't think that it is so scary to move on so much as it is to take all of my projections and direct my sight within to find the inner growth and healing that is so necessary. Thank you for all the candid responses. It is what I need to hear. I have helped many friends go through these types of situations and it seems none of it really matters when you are on the road yourself. These times are hard on me. I'm just looking for peace.

[Wiseman2]

Have you tried sorting this out with a therapist for guidance? Were the two of you involved with drugs together?

These times are hard on me. I'm just looking for peace.

[Nathan B]

No therapist yet. When she left I had a couple's counselor lined up but we never followed through on getting that help. I do not do drugs and neither does she. We don't even drink alcohol. We're just two people seeking the truth of God however that may stand. For me I am open to getting some therapy... but half of me thinks if I go to the gym and do copious yoga I will feel alot better about myself.

[Wiseman2]

You're not a couple. She is committed to her bf. Try to get your own therapy for your own feelings and thoughts.

When she left I had a couple's counselor lined up but we never followed through on getting that help.

[abitbroken]

Seeing her name everywhere was a coincidence. I want to have a baby. There have always been billboards, signs, commercials with babies in them but now that I want to conceive, they seem to be EVERYWHERE. If her name is fairly common, it could have always been everywhere - but now you are just hyper sensitive to notice and interpret it as a "sign".

 

I think you need to get rid of the whole "soul mate" idea. She is unstable and treats you badly. If there is such a thing as "meant to be" - are you meant to be with someone like that - where you get no love out of things, they move far away and are not emotionally capable of a relationship?? I doubt it.

[RainyCoast]

it isn't necessarily the case that "something is very wrong with you". even if there is some deep disturbance going on it does not call for self-criticism. self-awareness is excellen though. the ego is structured at asuch an early period in life when one has practically zero say over what type of psychological legacy they will end up with, when significant others, circumstance and environment are the formative factors. the good thing is that if this early-acquired parcel is too difficult to unwrap on one's mature own, lots can be done with professional help.

 

there is not much out of the ordinary about more or less sever obsessional neurosis and the need to manipulate, and often it's a transient thing. seeing as it renders you dysfunctional in certain regards though, it's ceratainly an issue deserving attention. as long as you are introspective and willing to resolve the issue you'd probably be able to put a therapeutic approach to a very good use. it's very encouraging that you have taken harsh wording at face value.

 

 

would it help to talk more? for example where and how you notice the need to manipulate?