Husband awfully rude to me

[Momofthree]

Hi guys, I'm new to this type of forum so hopefully I don't drone on. Lately I've been feeling awfully anxious. Had had treatment for depression previously but this time I feel its lack of support from my husband that contributes greatly. He talks to me in a manner that you wouldn't speak to an animal in. I can't remember the last pleasant conversation we've had. Always turns nasty. I'm no angel but I see when I am wrong and I would apologise. He will never accept apology and always around our three children. I have spoken to him and I'm blue in the face but he just doesn't get that I cannot be spoken to this way and that I need help and support with the children and arou d the house. He is amazing in some ways like works all hours to provide for us financially. There is more to being a husband and a father than financial support. He will not entertain the idea of counselling. Can anyone offer advice as I'm pretty low these days. Its like a black hole. Thanks in advance. Xx

[Lester]

In time, many, if not most husbands take their wife for granted.

And many times, just as in my case, it takes the shock of losing her to snap them out of it.

[Momofthree]

In time, many, if not most husbands take their wife for granted.

And many times, just as in my case, it takes the shock of losing her to snap them out of it.

 

Yes I totally feel taken for granted. Its supposed to be a partnership. It certainly doesn't feel that way. I gave up a good job to stay home and raise our children. I don't regret this for one single second but he doesn't appreciate anything. Currently I am not in a position that I could leave but I totally see ur point. If u don't mind me asking have u reconciled??

[Momofthree]

Thank you. I hope we can save it but it takes two. Right now he doesn't seem to care at all

[Batya33]

You have children, yes? Me too. Here is how I deal with disrespectful talk from my child. I explain quietly and with quiet confidence - not angry, not apologetic or whiny - that I will not be spoken to that way, and I explain that if I am spoken to that way again I will not respond -that I am not ignoring. Tailor it to an adult - it is not limited to children.

 

If he chooses silence, that's fine. Be consistent with your actions -no need to repeat that message again. Assume he heard you.

[Lester]

"I don't regret this for one single second but he doesn't appreciate anything."

- It's not that he doesn't appreciate you, he doesn't see you. Men are trophy driven creatures. Trophy's won don't get much attention.

 

 

"Currently I am not in a position that I could leave but I totally see ur point."

- Yes you are and most likely no you don't.

 

"If u don't mind me asking have u reconciled??"

- Yes, but she, like you, continued to let her frustrations quietly grow. By the time I really became aware she was already talking to my best friend.

 

Anger is bad.

Controlled anger is good!

[Momofthree]

Yes children. Young children. I have tried that approach and he thrives on that. I honestly feel him speaking to me in that manner around the children and me not responding angrily teaches the kids that its OK. Again I totally see your point and I wish from the bottom of my heart that this worked. If I don't express how I feel my head and my heart will explode. I'm on my knees at this point and have seemed professional help for myself. I sometimes doubt my strength and think maybe he's right and maybe I deserve it. Then asking myself what have I done wrong. If it were someone else saying these words I would tell them don't be silly and that they r worth so much more. It just doesn't feel the same when I'm doubting myself so much. Am I a good mother or am I a good wife or even a good person. X

[Momofthree]

Maybe I'm not ready to leave until we have explored all options. I suppose hope is underneath all my pain. I do not work and would not get any financial support from anyone so I'd have nowhere to go. If I cannot financially support my children then I'd have no chance of keeping them. I'd never talk to anyone about this. This is the first time I've ever even typed how I feel let alone talk about it. And certainly I'd never talk to any of his friends. No way!!

[Batya33]

Yes children. Young children. I have tried that approach and he thrives on that. I honestly feel him speaking to me in that manner around the children and me not responding angrily teaches the kids that its OK. Again I totally see your point and I wish from the bottom of my heart that this worked. If I don't express how I feel my head and my heart will explode. I'm on my knees at this point and have seemed professional help for myself. I sometimes doubt my strength and think maybe he's right and maybe I deserve it. Then asking myself what have I done wrong. If it were someone else saying these words I would tell them don't be silly and that they r worth so much more. It just doesn't feel the same when I'm doubting myself so much. Am I a good mother or am I a good wife or even a good person. X

 

I think the children learn far more if you choose to respond either by ignoring with head high or quietly saying "please do not speak to me in that way". Responding angrily shows your children that you are going to his level/not in control.

 

I know the about to explode feeling. Come up with other ways to deal with that -I like the 4-7-8 Weil breathing technique, cardio type exercise (even running in place in a bathroom or "angry cleaning".

[Hermes]

Momofthree.

 

"He talks to me in a manner that you wouldn't speak to an animal in."

 

And I know what you mean. It is impossible to "talk" to verbally abusive individuals.

 

Even worse, your children are witnessing and hearing this abuse, and will grow up thinking that it is quite the normal way to speak not just to a spouse but to anyone.

Your husband needs to be pulled up, short and sharp.

[Momofthree]

I know u are right. And maybe I am just as bad for rising to this but absolutely nothing will ever get solved if I don't retaliate. Hes that far removed now and his eyes silence is golden. He uses the word "moron" quite often which boils my blood. Once a while ago I told him we need a skip to clear space for one of our children. He told me if I did this he would stop paying the mortgage. How can u deal with that.

[Hermes]

MomofThree.

 

You do know that the situation will simply get worse. Verbal abuse of this kind will (unless I am very mistaken) eventually escalate into physical violence. He fits the profile.

 

If you can, do read this

 

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

 

or

 

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond

by Patricia Evans

[Momofthree]

I would like to think he would never raise his hand to me as that would definitely be the nail in the coffin. I have known him for 20 years and have never once felt concerned about physical violence. He has always had an ignorant side which to be quite honest he gets from his father. That man speaks to his wife the same way. My husband idolises him and will not have a word said against him. But thank you and I will have a read of this article for sure. X

[Hermes]

MomofThree.

 

Which goes to prove that children (in this case your husband) copy in adult life what they heard in the home, because no doubt your husband thought and thinks that is the normal way to speak to a spouse and/or others (as his father did).

[Momofthree]

I have told him on many occasions that this is not right and I thought he understood. I try to make sure the children will grow up to be good respectable adults and I will die trying if I need to. So far so good in that they have lovely manners and are not always angels but they r well behaved in general. But it is a case of monkey see monkey do and I realise that. That's probably why I speak up albeit on deaf ears as I want them to always stand up for themselves.

[Lester]

"I would like to think he would never raise his hand to me..."

- Many here on ena had the same thoughts. Abuse is all about progression. Unchecked, it usually grows.

 

"He uses the word "moron"..."

- The first time should have been the last.

 

"He told me if I did this he would stop paying the mortgage. How can u deal with that."

- You tell him to leave or you will call the cops.

 

 

You've allowed a lot of water to go under the bridge, but there is always hope.

In a controlled fashion, you must start standing your ground.

[Momofthree]

Reading your words you make sense x

[Wiseman2]

Actions speak louder than words. After this long he is tuning you out because he doesn't care. Your therapist should be giving you better advice on how to deal, since you don't want to leave. Stop talking to him about all this. Stop pleading for emotion out of him. Focus on raising your children and interact with him minimally. Ignore his threats those are to keep you under his thumb. Leave the room, don't engage in arguments, they are just baiting you so he can beat you up mentally and verbally..

he doesn't appreciate anything.

[Momofthree]

Tuning me out... That about right. I'm hoping a counsellor will help. Maybe one day he'll come along x

[Hermes]

Have you actually been to see a counsellor regarding this dreadful situation? Of course your husband won't go to see a counsellor. He doesn't want to have to face himself and his behaviour. That's why. So don't hold out any hopes there.

 

Looking at the wider picture: is this what you want for the rest of your life?

[Wiseman2]

Absolutely not, do not even ask him. Your therapist should be working with you, helping you with an exit and/or survival plan. Stop expecting change from his end. You need to do something about this. This " Oh please suddenly change and be nice to me" is not working, right? So you need a new approach which is to stop engaging him. Stop nagging him to be nice or kind or a good husband, if he wanted to be those things he would. You need to put armor around yourself at this point to protect yourself and your kids from his attitude. Until you understand this, he will just walk all over you as usual.

Maybe one day he'll come along x

[Momofthree]

I must sound so niave. Hoping and praying for change.

[Hermes]

Well, MomofThree, we've laid it out for you. No, you do not sound naive, but please do not, at least, lie to yourself (hoping and praying). Neither of these two attitudes will bring about any change in your husband's abusive behaviour towards you.

 

For the record:

 

"Verbal abuse most commonly includes abusive behaviour such as name calling, put downs and discounting feelings. As well as using words, verbal abuse can include using silence to exert control."

 

"Verbal abuser's are not likely to apologise, not because they don't realise that they have been hurtful, but because that is their aim."

[Wiseman2]

Why? Why don't you do something about it instead? Why are you sitting back and expecting everything from his end?

Hoping and praying for change.

[Momofthree]

Thank you for all the advice. At least I've started to get myself help from a 'mental health' point of view. Xx