Advice - confused after five years

[LastTimeTay]

Hi, I'm new to this forum. I am looking for honest feedback about whether or not I should end my five year relationship. Mostly, I need to know if I'm being unreasonable because after a while I feel like it's always me being negative about something in my relationship. If it's me, I need to know because I can make changes for a better and healthier relationship. If it's not, then at least I can move forward.

 

When my bf and I got together I was in a different place in my life. I wasn't as structured, I was more carefree and didn't have serious plans of mortgage, career and family. Now I'm turning 30, and these things that once were unimportant to me are now what make me happy! The thought of them at least.

 

I'm afraid however that my bf is too irresponsible and can't handle the kind of lifestyle I see for us. We've discussed this many times (for years, really) and he's been "trying" to work on these weak areas (such as paying bills on time, not over spending money, communicating plans, punctuality, contributing to household duties, etc).

 

He's *very* absent-minded. And I'm more the type A personality. The past five years have been me leading the relationship and him happily following. I've tried explaining to him that I need him to step it up a little because I want a dependable husband and father. I was okay with being the nurturing caregiver at the start of the relationship. I cooked, cleaned, everything for the both of us! And I loved it. But now I'm looking to the future and realize I can't do it all on my own.

 

I want him to be a leader and take initiative. He's the kind of person who does what he's told. And I don't want to be chirping in his ear about chores, money, responsibilities, etc. Not every day for the rest of our lives, if we marry and have kids.

 

Sometimes I feel as though our differences make us compatible. I lead, he follows, etc. But at the same time I feel our differences also drive us apart! I'm so torn.

 

Maybe we are just two different people. Maybe we love each other, but can't make each other happy? Even when I say this, I know the truth is that he can't make me happy. And that makes me feel terrible! I feel guilt! As if I don't have any right to feel this way. Because he's loyal, he faithful, and he tries to make me happy in other areas. He does what he's good at. And I know he means well. I just can't reconcile the other things that make me feel so unhappy.

 

Is it me? Am I being unreasonable?

 

Thank you in advance. I am new to this forum but I look forward to hearing any one's advice.

[Jibralta]

Maybe we are just two different people. Maybe we love each other, but can't make each other happy? Even when I say this, I know the truth is that he can't make me happy. And that makes me feel terrible! I feel guilt! As if I don't have any right to feel this way. Because he's loyal, he faithful, and he tries to make me happy in other areas. He does what he's good at. And I know he means well. I just can't reconcile the other things that make me feel so unhappy.

 

Is it me? Am I being unreasonable?

 

Don't feel guilty. You're not being unreasonable. These are very legitimate concerns, and you are smart to identify them. Chances are, he will stay the same as he is now. You will do all of the heavy lifting in this relationship. If you stay with him, you may lose your chance to find someone better suited to your needs. But if you break up with him, you will lose a safety net. And there's no guarantee of who you will meet in the future. Not an easy choice.

 

My opinion: it's your life. You should take control of it.

[SherrySher]

People grow while other's do not. It doesn't necessarily make one better than the other, it just means you're in different places.

He sounds as though he has some very good qualities, but it's quite obvious as well that you want different qualities as well that is not a part of his personality.

It doesn't make you wrong, or him wrong, it only means you both need different things.

You have already said that you know he can't make you happy, I think that says it all.

[catfeeder]

The past five years have been me leading the relationship and him happily following. [...] I know the truth is that he can't make me happy. And that makes me feel terrible! I feel guilt! As if I don't have any right to feel this way.

 

You're perfectly entitled to feel the way you feel. We all are. Emotions aren't controllable aspects of ourselves--it's what we do with them that makes all the difference in our experiences.

 

If we hold up guilt or any other rationale to squelch our emotions rather than respect them for what they tell us at any given time, we end up surprised by all the problems that develop when they seep out sideways disguised as something else. Maybe they come out as resentment that causes the kind of disharmony we can feel less guilty about. That's unconscious sabotage that provokes the kind of behavior in the other that we can point to in order to build a case for an exit. That's not honest, and it's not necessary.

 

All relationships being voluntary, we never need to build a case to get out of one. Some people don't have clarity about this, so they opt to allow 'guilt' to knock them unconscious as they sleepwalk through the damage they cause. Skip that.

 

Given that most people are NOT our match, the fact that we might find simpatico with another at a certain point in our lives doesn't mean that we'll never diverge over time as we grow, possibly onto two different paths that no longer run parallel.

 

So nobody needs to be a villain for a relationship to end, but one person needs to be willing to take on the villain role for a while in order to get out of one cleanly. Once we can accept the protagonist as a necessary means to an outcome we need, then we are actually bringing about the right outcome for both people--despite appearances--because by definition, a wrong match for you is also a wrong match for him.

 

You've learned that passivity is not what you want and need in your future lover. Five years has taught you that this will not change--or change him. The big lesson to take from this is to never train someone else to expect from you anything that you cannot deliver over the long haul. That creates a false dynamic, and while it's nothing to feel guilty about learning through experience, it's also nothing to trap yourself into.

 

We never get any time back again for do-overs. If you cannot envision a future playing the parent to a lover in your future, then stop playing it now. Break the false dependency you and BF have both maintained as your dynamic for a relationship. Recognize BF as a grown man who's fully cable of developing his own resources rather than a child you're leaving as helpless, and don't use guilt as a barrier to the liberation that will eventually lead you both to higher ground in your own lives.

 

Head high.