How do I fall out of love

[Andrina]

How can you say you love your fiance and then do such a hurtful thing to him? You might think you know what love is, but you don't. The human brain isn't fully formed, specifically the pre-frontal cortex that involves rational decision making until about age 25. You are two years away from that. Don't make significant decision like marrying someone before your brain reaches that point.

 

Marriage should also not be entered into unless you have 100 percent confidence about it. You do not. And don't whisk it away as "cold feet." What it is, is a gut feeling that you need to pay attention to. Emotional affairs usually happen when there is something missing from a partnership, and you yourself say that this is the case.

 

If you were serious about your boyfriend, you would enter into pre-marital counseling to work on improving your emotional connection with him, or at the very least, read books on the subject and get to a healthier place with him. You would also tell your "friend" that for the sake of your partnership, you will now be treating him just like any other co-worker and the friendship can no longer be.

 

You are unwilling to give up the inappropriate friendship because you like the ego boost. You like the intense emotions he stirs in you which are lacking in your primary relationship. You have to realize this friendship, as it is now, will not last a lifetime. He will eventually have a girlfriend or wife who will rightfully so, won't want you in the picture. And yes, a person can have casual friends of the opposite sex, but if it crosses boundaries or has the potential to cross boundaries, then it cannot be.

 

How about if your boyfriend had the same situation as you? He had sex with his female friend and wanted to retain a friendship with her. Would you want him to tell you what he had done? Would you still want to marry him knowing this? What would you want him to do to make things right with you, or would you break up with him?

 

Those are some things to consider. With me looking from the outside in, your boyfriend doesn't deserve this treatment and these lies. I think you should let him go so he can be free to find a woman who is worthy of him. As for me, if I had made such a huge mistake and slept with someone else, I couldn't marry my bf and live with such a lie. It would eat me up inside. I'd rather break up and start with someone new with a clean slate and vow to be a better partner in the future.

[TMifune]

If you want to be with your Fiance....if what you really want is to marry him, then you need to stop making excuses.

 

Re-read your own posts. Look at how you're deflecting and dissembling and rationalizing. You even say:

 

Never cheated in my life and never even thought about it.

 

Except you can't say that anymore. It didn't just happen. It was a conscious and deliberate betrayal. In your own words:

 

I know most of you wont get this but I felt that if it didn't happen now it would happen when I was married. I needed to answer the what if.

 

You didn't just put yourself in a compromising position and then not have the willpower to resist temptation.....you actively chose to engage. You justify it by saying "I needed to know" and "I felt like it would have happened anyway" which is all BS. The fact of the matter is you chose to cheat on your fiance as a deliberate act of will. You wanted to sleep with your coworker and you did it. And you did it in the full knowledge of how much it would hurt your fiance. No two ways about it. You put your wants directly to the front over and above your fiances wants and needs. You can try to escape that. You can tie it up in abstractions about how you should be able to have friends and be in a relationship, but that's the plain truth. You cheated simply because you wanted it and you don't even have the courage to be honest with yourself about it.

 

So here's the deal. If you want to get married....if you really truly love your fiance then this is your course of action.

1. Tell your fiance everything. Everything you were feeling, everything you did, and take full 100% responsibility for what you did, why you did it and for all the pain it causes him.
   
2. When your fiance gets upset, has trouble trusting you, you don't throw it in his face and get defensive, you humble yourself and you try to show him that you're willing to do whatever is necessary to rebuild trust.
   
3. You leave your job. Turn your cases over to someone else. Social working jobs are everywhere...people burnout fast and turnover is high. You can find another job.
   
4. You allow yourself the freedom to have friends, but the very first fantasy about sleeping with one of them, you separate yourself from the relationship because you now know that you can't handle it properly.
   
5. You commit to therapy to learn about yourself and why you would betray someone that you claim to love this deeply and then do nothing but make excuses for it.
   

 

There's your plan. I'm highly skeptical that you'll even consider it. You're still making up rationalizations to justify yourself. So I want you to think about this:

 

Would you rather take the risk of losing him now.....or would you rather have this come to light 10 years from now and have it ruin his life, your life and your 2.3 children's lives?

[Wiseman2]

That's fine...but marriage is a commitment, not a 'long term relationship'. In fact you and this other guy have or could continue to have a 'long term relationship'. You will be miserable if you marry. Who is forcing you to marry, your parents? Is this an arranged marriage?

I do feel ready for a long term relationship.

[TMifune]

Roseanna....don't you think things "have become confusing" in large part because of this work friend?

 

I'm just going to say it....because I know how absolutely devastated I'd be....you've had another man inside you, willingly, while you were engaged to another man. You may feel ready and you can tell yourself you're ready, you can tell yourself it was a one time thing, you can tell yourself it would never happen again.....but you are putting yourself in a situation where it could very well happen again.

 

Do you think you'd be able to live with yourself knowing you were with another man, but married your fiance anyway? You might be able to for a while, convincing yourself for a short time. You have to see how emotionally toxic this is going to be for all involved.

 

Exactly...and as long as there's excuses instead of repentance the odds of it happening again are extremely high.

[adviceplease2]

It is amazing how good things can turn out, eventually, when you humble yourself and stop making excuses for things.

[chamachama]

I agree with the others who say you should not be marrying your fiance. Being honest and telling him the truth about cheating on him is up to you. But marrying him will be a huge mistake. Trust me when I tell you that when you two get divorced (and by the looks of your posts you WILL get divorced) it will be 100 times more difficult and you will wish that you listened to this board.

 

Put it this way... couples who are extremely in love with each other and who never even fathomed being with someone else, get married and eventually get divorced all the time. You think your marriage will make it being started on dishonesty and infidelity? He will find out eventually btw. And when he does, he will never ever look at you the same way. And you will most likely have no shot at even being friends with him ever again, never mind staying married.

 

Get out now, while its still relatively simple to do so. If you go forward with your marriage... what can I tell ya? You're basically jumping out of a plane without a parachute.

 

The only other option I can think of would be to come completely clean with him BEFORE the wedding, and let him decide for himself. At least that way there is a slight chance you two could work things out and still be together, if that's what you want. But the way I see it, its either that, or call the wedding off yourself and break things off with him, thus letting him go.

[Hermes]

Roseanne.

 

As me and my fiancé began to fall out I continued to hang out with the work lad and both decided to have sex just once

 

I am not seeing any clarity here.

[Wiseman2]

Agree with this, it's a recipe for disaster.

If you go forward with your marriage... what can I tell ya? You're basically jumping out of a plane without a parachute.

[crowleysgirl]

What you did was completely wrong and stupid, but you already knew that, so what more do you want? There is no magical wand-waving trick to take away your feelings for your co-worker. You absolutely should NOT being marrying your fiance. I don't know why you say that sleeping with your co-worker lifted a weight for you and made you so sure about marrying your fiance when the whole reason you're posting here is that you still have feelings for your co-worker. Which is it? Either way, you messed up big time, and you can't go back and undo any of it. Be an adult, and just accept this and break things off with both of them if you want to actually be happy.