What's a normal father and son relationship?

[nayla]

I have two sons ages 10 & 17 their father (is domincan and I'm white, some say that's how some Dominicans are) doesn't live with us so you can say he's part time dad. We didn't ever go to court or even have real talks about money and visitation. He's in their life they see each other when ever they want, he also gives me/them money when ever asked. He pays for their expensive schools and lots of other things as well, but lately it's mostly just school tuition and things for my car like gas and insurance for my car as now I'm unemployed and help taking care of my mom...

 

so yes we both are having money issues and hidden relationship issues meaning we never talk about our problems only a few. Although we are trying again but there's still those hidden things and we are either pulling apart or just very busy working as he is a workaholic. But us is a whole other story!

 

I have been wondering if his relationship between our boys and him is normal or ok but not great or what? My Dad passed away when I was 3 years old also I don't have any siblings so I'm not that sure about this. He has always been their for them and me. We were kinda close I guess few years ago and especially when they were little, being more active and talkative spending more time together, but he (father) was also younger then (now he's 46) he says he's tiered and busy. He's not active like he used to. The past few months him and I had been going though childish things so I think around then is when he got this other new job 6 to 7 days a week! But he can make his own hours but still really wants to work and not take off, he does have some deadlines to get things done in 7 days. He was closer to his mom more, he was brought up having the mom be In charge of everything pertains to the kids, moms in charge. Which that's how it turned out to be. I noticed and he's said he can't handle kids when they act up. He used to call me to help get them to stop fighting over toys lol

 

Recently my oldest had a conversation with a friend about father and sons and son's friends, they both agreed their dads do the same. so I was guessing it's ok but I still worry.

Ok...what do they do-mostly eat, having dinner or breakfest together and sometimes talk. Go to the Barbara shop together to get hair cuts. Few times he'd pick them up from school if needed (While I am at Drs office ect) a few times he's offered. Also take our oldest to or from his friends house who's 25miles away, if asked. Few times he'll ask what are the boys doing or how are they. He buy them things when ever even when not asked or needed. He hasn't when to the movies with them in about a year something he's always done. They'r all not into sports although when he was a teenager and in his twenties he liked basketball, our sons tried sports once didn't love it he was their once (when oldest was in soccer youngest was a baby so he stayed with the youngest) they don't have much in common, maybe that's the problem. Only common things is cartoons and some food And they like music, they are all a like in a lot of ways. The boys are majorly into video games and cars and technology where their dad hate it and can't understand it. He did/does show some interest mostly if it's something that he's against. It seems like I'm the only one how's excited for our oldest son's great accomplishments about school, work, collage. I did notice some things he don't seem to understand....we used to go camping together or he'd meet us there on Saturday to stay until Sunday he'd say money talks... We'd all go swimming mostly and have campfires.... When he was younger he'd be more active when camping. But now we don't go together anymore probably we tried once last year.

 

Some examples- Sunday's their dad works sometimes or help other or does things for work for that week or naps most of the day. This past Sunday, he barely saw the boys as they played with their friends and video games, mostly they all said hi how are you, and making jokes. I attempted to install and new car radio and camera, he saw me then began to help me then stayed for 5 hours. He went to buy donuts the boys and him sat and eat them small chit chat for few minutes that probably about it.

 

On Mother's Day he visited with breakfest chit chat maybe a little asked if they wanted to go get hair cuts but they didn't want to so kids went to to play games in their room, soon later he left and came back then we all went out to dinner for Mother's Day we all did a lot of talking, joking and laughing he even had taken pictures. But sometimes seemed like the youngest couldn't get his dad's focus much, as he would keep repeating him self and talk about something his dad wasn't interested in I guess. (As I remember). Also they say most times on the drive home from school it's quite, they say cause there's nothing to talk about and they don't need to. Sometimes their dad wants to get them to call me to play jokes, and they all laugh and play along.

 

Other days they go out together or the boys wanting to play with their electronics or video games or friends once in a while cartons, so their dad just takes naps then cooks them dinner while talking to others...

I do know he's under stress, a lot of things happening in his life and us and money..

 

Sorry it's so long and hope you can understand all if not some. How is a father and son's relationship supposed to be? What do father and sons do? Could this be ok? Or did he not want to have kids and just wanted to because I did? I've asked each of them privately about this and they say it's all ok, normal and nothing to talk about nothing to do even asked me what are they supposed to do. The dad says if there's a problem they'd say something and that I'm into their life "helicopter parent" too much to leave them alone and they need privacy..

Thanks

[j.man]

So where's the problem here? It sounds like this man goes well above and beyond supporting the kids and you (given your unemployed status), and then he's handling a whole lot of parental responsibilities on top of it. By your own account, he seems to be trying his damnedest to have a personal relationship with them with what little time and alertness he has left while still respecting their space and letting them play the games and hang out with friends.

 

Hate to say it, but his "helicopter parent" descriptor sounds about right. I've lived in a Dominican neighborhood in NYC for a few years now. The fathers tend to be loving and present, even if a bit hands-off. They're certainly not the level of affectionate that Hasidic fathers are to their sons, but who else is?

 

Unless there's some other problem, it sounds like he's doing absolutely fine by his sons.

[nayla]

Thank you very much. I think I just needed to hear that. A (women) family member seems to think the opposite sometimes, which makes me worry. Sometimes hearing other people's point of view is better and helps. Ty

[thornz]

He sounds like an awesome dad to me.

 

He contributes financially (even to you). He has even taken on more work after you became unemployed. He may not show appreciation of their achievements in some respects but he pays for their schooling which shows he values their education and wants invest in their future.

 

He spends time with them even though he's tired and finds it difficult to relate to some of their interests. They have fun together and enjoy joking around.

 

He takes on some responsibilities such as cooking them dinner instead of feeding them junk. He takes them to the barbers for male bonding time.

 

He occasionally picks them up from school and takes them to visit friends.

 

He takes you away for family breaks when he has time and Mothers day meal.

 

Your children have expressed that they are happy with their relationship with their father.

 

Yes he is working more and spending less time and has less energy/interest but your boys don't need to be the apple of his eye at their age, they have their own interests.

 

If you were to find work and pull your weight financially then you could discuss him working less hard so you could spend more time on family breaks again.

 

What more can you ask???

[nayla]

Ok as of yesterday I remembered more questions I wonder about this.

 

I believe he doesn't know much about the boys mostly what goes on in their lives. He does say he's not worried about them cause their good, but how could a father know things about them when he never asks? Why wouldn't he want to know? Shouldn't he know? I've seen and knew other Dads who are more involved. Think once he said it's the moms job. He did say once that I shouldn't ask or know things or about his friends as who he hangs out with (like me teens Facebook page I have his password) because it's none of my business at every age!

Lately I see myself telling him things about our oldest son, he laughed at somethings most times I'm not sure if he's paying attention or care. I told him our son was driving with friends and they had made a U-turn in the middle of the street the car shut off, he says nothing about it......

[nayla]

I called him Saturday night, he didn't answer (lately he's been doing that) 10 or 15 minutes later he called back we (including "oldest") talked for 1 minute!! to tell him he didn't had to pick up our oldest son from his friends house who lives in another city on Sunday morning then go for hair cuts. He seemed like he had no idea what I was talking about. And couldn't understand/hear us. It was his and my oldest sons idea to do as they did before, pick him up get hair cuts and lunch. He didn't come by until 730 Sunday evening and no hair cuts. Again. He said he was in a junk yard getting car parts. (To 7pm?)

 

When he did see them he was yelling hello boys when to go see each of them and say hello, that was it of their interaction...

later "oldest" says he's (20yr old school/work friend) was helping him learn how to drive. Dad says oh yeah. That's it.

 

(Oldest likes friend better then me says I scare him and dad helped once although he taught me)

 

he did mention should get hair cuts when I was talking to our youngest while touching his hair, then said the oldest wants to let his hair grow during the summer a little as it's very short and wants to style it. He complained that "oldest" can't cause his hair would look weird and started to say "f" as in freaky (he used to say) I said it's not (year ago) he learned to train his hair to not stand like a porcupine. He seem shocked/surprise. He stayed for about 4 hours but mostly talk to me and my Mom