Need Guidance

[elledubs]

Hi everyone

 

I have been reading this forum for the past few weeks, but decided I need some actual advice. I will try to keep this short (but when you're this emotionally invested in something every detail seems relevant). My ex boyfriend (24) broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We had been dating for 1 year. I recently bought a house, and he lives with a friend. We had a fantastic relationship, he wanted to see me close to every day, always called me when he was driving, we both knew each others families and friends well, we had so many common interests, and we have travelled together. We were both very appreciative of each other, and he always said he loved how I supported him in whatever choices he wanted to make, and when we disagreed (very scarcely), communication was our priority. He always told me he loves me, I'm beautiful etc. Our sex life was good, he told me he was satisfied, and I was too.

 

He had one other significant relationship during university. It was longterm, but once both of them graduated and had to think about the real world, they realized that their values didn't align and they didn't have a future together. I know they had planned to move in together after graduation, but he had backed out at last minute. I met him 8 months afterwards, he had been dating around but had not been in a relationship since his ex. We went pretty slow at the beginning, because we wanted to make sure it was right. We fell in love hard and all of our friends and families were very enthusiastic about our compatibility. I bought my house in March and in April he approached me and asked if he could move in with me. I was excited, and I said yes, but that I wanted a couple of months to figure out carrying costs etc. He was very excited, he told all his friends, got a dining table to refinish, told his family and would dream about living with me. He would say things like we should serve espresso when we have our friends over for dinner or we should make a chore list. He was constantly talking about it. I am confident he envisioned him self with me. A couple weeks after this he told me he gave his roomate notice that he would be moving out. A few days later we were hanging out and he said to me " I have to tell you I've been having doubts. But I've worked through them and realized I am just scared because this is the first time I've wanted this commitment with someone. The doubts are just in my head. And by working through them, I've realized I see years and years with you, I can see my future with you". I thanked him for telling me about it and asked that if he had doubts again to talk to me about them since we could work through them together. I also thanked him for thinking about moving in as a commitment and not just something to do out of convenience. A couple days after this he started making comments about marriage and that his last name might be mine one day. This was new to our relationship. And I would be in the habit of saying "if we move in" and he would be like "we are moving in". He was very excited. He even brought me around to get to know his mom and sister more, since they wanted to as he was obviously serious about me. He told me I could have weekly wine nights with them.

 

The week before we broke up, we didn't see each other for 3 days. We were both working opposite days. We chatted normally over text but he was acting a bit distant. On the Friday I went to see him and asked him if he was ok. He said he was having doubts about our long term compatibility. When I tried to explore the specifics he backed up saying the conversation was premature and he needed to collect his thoughts. I was clearly confused and upset, and I tried to go home, but he asked me to stay the night. He held me all night and we watched a movie. I was tearful and he kept telling me he loves me and that his feelings for me have not changed at all. I saw him again the next night and he again was loving but a little distant. We agreed he would take the Sunday night to sort through his thoughts and talk after. He still texted me Sunday, sending me stuff about my dog, saying he loved me etc. He also confirmed an evite for a work event with me later that week. Monday morning he said good morning, I love you unprompted. I responded accordingly. Monday night he stopped by after work and broke up with me. He said he didn't think we were right for each other. He started to say the future incompatibility thing again, and I again tried to explore this. I asked him well if we are incompatible in the future wouldnt we be in our current relationship. He said he has been unhappy and didn't know how to tell me. I was so confused. The whole time he was crying and telling me how much he loved me. He said he didn't even think breaking up was an option until that day. When I get that emotional I kind of robot, so I didn't cry or beg, I just accepted and asked him to drive me home. Everyone was shell shocked.

 

The week after we broke up, we had minimal contact. I texted to set up exchanging items. He withdrew from the work event. He texted me randomly about a jacket of his, and I assured him I would return everything on the date we agreed on. I ended up calling him a week after we broke up, to try to understand things. I asked him if there was someone else and he said no. He just said that he had experienced a stronger love before (with his ex) and that he couldn't move forward with me. He said he loved me but wasn't in love with me. He mentioned nothing about incompatibility. I again was calm, just listened to him. He said when he asked to move in with me and talked about our future to me he was 100 percent sure about me, but the doubts came, something changed and it just ended for him.

 

I went a week later to pick up my stuff. He had texted me earlier that day to find out when I was going to go to the gym that night (we go to the same one). He said he would go before the exchange so I could go after. It was a bit awkward, but we exchanged things and talked about some last minute logistics. He was super awkward, offered me water. He also sent me a picture of a bottle of wine that he had tried that I would like (it was our thing). I was getting my keys to leave and he was like " are you really going leave without hugging me". I was confused, but I hugged him. We hugged for like 10 minutes and he was saying things like "it was all real, I was right there with you". He got excited |(sexually), and I got frustrated. I told him everything was still here, the feelings, the chemistry etc. He nodded his head and agreed. We almost kissed. We pulled away, and he asked if we could have sex. I said no. He then told me he didn't go to the gym earlier and was it okay if he went at the same time, I agreed but said that moving forward we shouldn't have contact unless it was to discuss the relationship and he agreed.

 

He did come to the gym and we briefly talked and then I left without saying good bye. I felt rude but I thought if we are doing this break up thing we should probably start doing it. As I was driving home from the gym he sent me a video he had taken of my house when we saw it for the first time. He said thought you might want this. I didn't respond, I never asked for the video, and I move in in 2 weeks so I don't know why I would need it. I kind of think he sent it to me just as an excuse. When I went home that night I was totally convinced the feelings were still there.

 

A couple of days later I found out that he had deleted every single photo of me and him off of his instagram ( I know I'm the worst). This upset me and confused me given our interaction the other night. Also, this was not how he exited his last relationship, all of their photos still existed. I almost felt like I had hurt him or something. A couple of days later I saw he had added me on Linkedin. I accepted, but I tried to convince myself it meant nothing, sometimes Linkedin autosyncs with your email. Then a couple of hours later he went on and endorsed me for all of these professional skills. It was super weird. Like you want to move on so badly that you delete every memory of me, but at the same time you want me to know I am good at Microsoft office, leadership and communication?

 

Either way, I have had no direct contact with him since then. I am a wreck. I miss him, and the relationship was so solid for me that I am having a hard time not wanting the future that he asked me to dream about. I've ran into him a few times (we work together, we go to the same gym, we live in the same town|) but I keep my distance, and just acknowledge him by smiling or nodding, but inside I die. My feelings now just reflect that I was two feet in the relationship. I am just confused for a few reasons:

 

His reasons for the break up are inconsistent. Everytime I pushed further to talk about them it was like he was grasping at straws. And each occasion we talked about it, it seemed to be something different.

 

He seems confused. Even the days before we broke up he still very much wanted to be around me and was always telling me he loved me. When we exchanged stuff he didn't want to let me go, asked me to hug, told me everything was real.

 

Is he just afraid of commitment? There were no issues in our relationship, this just came on the verge of moving in. This kind of happened in his last relationship too. And behaviourally and verbally he wanted those commitments in our relationship. He was even able to work through his initial doubts, dismissing them as being only in his head and make marriage comments to me. Did he just get freaked out? He had none of the signs of someone who was checking out (I've been in that situation before), he was completely engaged in our relationship until the very last days.

 

I have been pretty disciplined about not reaching out to him. The logical part of me realizes that this is his issue that he needs to work through. But the emotional part of me lost my best friend and lover and I am a total mess. I am trying to keep busy and do the things that I love for my self, but it all feels meaningless. I truly feel that this is a mistake. What should I do? I'm pretty confident he was not cheating, the guy does not have it in him. He feels strongly about that and really respects women. He gets upset if he hears about someone else cheating. I am curious if his ex found out he was going to move in (they have mutual friends) and maybe reached out to him. OR did he really just get scared of commitment. Everyone around me seems to think that's what happened. I don't want to talk to him about the break up again because I'm worried he will just give me another reason that I will spend days obsessing about how to find that in our relationship. I don't even know that he has any answers to give me.

[Wiseman2]

This has a lot to do with it. Which is why he couldn't give a consistent answer

Is he just afraid of commitment?

[elledubs]

Is there anything I can do to help him realize? I still really want to work on the relationship

[ThatwasThen]

He did the same thing with the girl he dated through University.

 

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, Elle. With time and acceptance you'll start to feel less angst from no longer having him in your life. Read The Five Stages of Grief. It may help you to process this. Its written for those going through grief due to the loss of a loved one through death but all the emotions one goes through in a break up feel pretty much the same.

 

Keep no contact and live your life. You sound like a sensitive and intelligent woman. You'll be fine, in time.

[limichelle]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like he is afraid of commitment but can't come to terms with that's the problem with him. I think he really does love you but he just runs from anything serious. You need to move on as hard as that is and when you are ready find someone who wants to commit.

 

Lisa