If you're needy...

[billfever]

I've already written about my relationship, at least the end of it but I'm writing this to hopefully help others. I was in a LDR for about 1.5 years. We met in summer 2014 and got to know each other for about 9 months before meeting in person. By the end of 2015 she ended it. She said several things at the end that hurt me deeply, broke my heart; I will probably never know everything that drove her to end it. however, I do know that my neediness was a big factor. I'm writing this to anyone that reads these forums...If you know or have been told you are "needy" or "clingy" stop, take a look at your behavior and fix it. If you love your partner (I know you are scared to death of losing them) then you need to get control of yourself. The thing you fear the most is losing her/him. It scares you. If they don't respond to a text quick enough or maybe go a day without talking to you it throws you into a tailspin. You question everything that goes on. If they go out with friends you get jealous and scared. Texting them constantly, calling, etc. You think if they are not calling/texting enough or wanting to see you that they don't love you. It all snowballs until they can't stand it anymore. They feel smothered and under constant pressure. It's the proverbial "walking on eggshells". If this sounds like you then please do yourself a favor and get help. See a therapist, read books, whatever it takes. Otherwise you are going to cause the one thing you fear the most...the one thing you think you are preventing...they will leave. That is what happened to me. There may have been more to it but my neediness was part of it. For me I got help. I started seeing a therapist and reading books on my own. It's too late for my relationship but you can still save yours. Don't let those emotions overtake you. Trust your partner, give them space. Let them breathe. I lost someone I truly loved don't let the same happen to you. It's hell to live with.

[TMifune]

"Needy" is not an inherent trait of one person. It's a reflection of incompatible attachment dynamics.

 

When someone calls you "needy" it's great to look at yourself and understand what you're doing and why. But it's not necessarily an indicator that there's something "wrong" with you. "Needy" simply means that you have needs that the other person is either unable or unwilling to meet. It's great to accept responsibility for what you can change and make better, but I'd avoid the temptation to categorize yourself as "needy".

[DoF]

Here is something I've learned recently.

 

Insecurity or even a need to help others is almost always a symptom of poor self esteem and the need to help yourself.

 

My symptom was "being a fat ass" and not in shape. I mirrored that onto my partner and it was NOT healthy.

 

Now that I got my ass back in gear and have accomplished my goal and am healthy/fit and in the best shape of my life, I still catch myself.

 

Just did it today, tried to help someone. Caught myself and figured out exactly how I needed to HELP MYSELF.

 

 

 

Now that I'm in shape (and my wife is as well) we both look better than ever, we both get more attention from others than ever.....yet we are less insecure and WAY more trust into each other than ever.

 

So remember, the SECOND you take a step to help someone.......or are insecure about someone...take a close look in the mirror. Chances are you REALLY want to help yourself and are insecure about YOURSELF in some way shape or form.

 

Funny how these things seem to work.

[jmann45]

Here is something I've learned recently.

 

Insecurity or even a need to help others is almost always a symptom of poor self esteem and the need to help yourself.

 

My symptom was "being a fat ass" and not in shape. I mirrored that onto my partner and it was NOT healthy.

 

Now that I got my ass back in gear and have accomplished my goal and am healthy/fit and in the best shape of my life, I still catch myself.

 

Just did it today, tried to help someone. Caught myself and figured out exactly how I needed to HELP MYSELF.

 

 

 

Now that I'm in shape (and my wife is as well) we both look better than ever, we both get more attention from others than ever.....yet we are less insecure and WAY more trust into each other than ever.

 

So remember, the SECOND you take a step to help someone.......or are insecure about someone...take a close look in the mirror. Chances are you REALLY want to help yourself and are insecure about YOURSELF in some way shape or form.

 

Funny how these things seem to work.

 

This... this is true.

[Hermes]

"Needy people often will say that they’re looking for a relationship in order to “complete” them or to find someone who brings “fulfilment” into their lives… essentially looking for someone to magically bring meaning into their lives and make them whole. They seek validation from others – in this case, a potential romantic partner – as a way of filling the void within them."

 

From:

 

/

 

and

 

"Dependent personality disorder is described as a pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of that leads to a submissive and clinging behavior as well as fears of separation. This pattern begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts. The dependent and submissive behaviors are designed to elicit caregiving and arise from a self-perception of being unable to function adequately without the help of others."

 

 

[reinventmyself]

"Needy" is not an inherent trait of one person. It's a reflection of incompatible attachment dynamics.

 

When someone calls you "needy" it's great to look at yourself and understand what you're doing and why. But it's not necessarily an indicator that there's something "wrong" with you. "Needy" simply means that you have needs that the other person is either unable or unwilling to meet. It's great to accept responsibility for what you can change and make better, but I'd avoid the temptation to categorize yourself as "needy".

 

I think that's a great point but it swings both ways. People often show up with a truck load of insecurities they want to work out on the next unsuspecting person. That next person doesn't need to do anything to provoke it.

 

And then there is exactly what you pointed out. . It's a shared dynamic between two peoples interactions with each other that brings it out.

[Hermes]

The "needy" individual will home in on the "fixer", if possible. And thus the unfortunate "danse macabre" starts.

 

A healthy person, with healthy boundaries will see the "needy" coming from ten miles down the road.

[reinventmyself]

The "needy" individual will home in on the "fixer", if possible. And thus the unfortunate "danse macabre" starts.

 

A healthy person, with healthy boundaries will see the "needy" coming from ten miles down the road.

 

Then there are the needy ones who are pretty good at hiding it and keeping it in check during the early stages. . then it starts to creep out once they feel they are comfortably attached to the other person.