How to stop feeling miserable

[Cali91]

My ex (23M) and I (24F) broke up a little over a month ago. We broke up for several reasons, such as I wasn't as good with his daughter as I should have been and we both wanted to improve our mental health. We both suffer from depression, and mine developed while dating him because I became upset about his behavior. He had an abusive childhood in every sense of the word and I'm positive it's why he suffers from depression, self hate, self harm, anger problems and anxiety. With his anger problems, when he had a fit he would start throwing stuff around or punching things. He never hit me or his daughter, fyi. He would typically hit himself. He is currently on medication for his disorders, but I don't think they're helping. And it doesn't help that he won't help himself. He went to see a counselor about his problems while he and I dated, an she suggested relaxation techniques for him. He didn't try them, not even once. He stopped seeing her because "she wasn't helping". He and I made a promise that we would help each other work out and lose weight. It lasted a month because his depression came back. That was back in October.

 

When he and I broke up, his ex wife (24F) had just moved in temporarily because she wanted to move closer to their daughter. Initially I was completely against it, but I eventually gave in to help her out. Not two weeks after she moved in he said he had thought things out and it coincidentally didn't seem like it would work anymore. Obviously I knew what he meant. He wanted to be with her. He told me he still loved me and I know he still does even now, but it tore me up inside and it still does a month later.

 

Within the past week, she and he have been fighting nearly every day. She confided in me, explaining that she's frustrated with him. He says he is going to change but he hasn't made any progress. And that's how it was when I dated him, but I have more patience than her. She told me she wants to leave and she can't take it anymore, but we are both terrified of what might happen if she did leave. He's been cutting himself again and he nearly killed himself when I broke up with him when we were teenagers.

 

Yesterday, they came home from being out and he had bought some books on self help. It really upset me because I had told him multiple times he needed to look into it but he never had until now because he was so desperate to keep her. It makes me feel like I wasn't good enough. Like I was the woman he left his wife for but wasn't good enough for him to stay with. I'm so jealous of her. I want them to be happy together because I know they are, but it still hurts me immensely.

 

I'm moving out soon because I have a new job, and hopefully things will get better but I worry I'll be constantly worrying about whether he actually is getting better or how happy they are together and I'll never get over it. I started occupying myself, by going to the gym a lot more and getting artsy, but I still feel miserable.

[DoF]

Stop worrying about him and keep him away from your mind. Focus on yourself. YOU are ONLY in control of yourself. Besides worrying accomplishes NOTHING.

 

It will NOT get better for you mostly because you choose to remain around him. This is a huge mistake. In order to begin the healing/recovery process you need to be in no contact. It's time to move on, block/ignore him. ANY contact will reset your healing as well, so end it for good.

 

You need to get away from him as far as possible ASAP,.....and for good. If you don't, few things will happen. You will never start to heal or heal/recover all together. And you will also prevent yourself from ever finding a man that you really want. Cause no smart/good man will ever consider a girl that engages into ANY kind of relationship with their ex.

 

So do yourself a favor, stop sabotaging yourself and end it for good!

[Wiseman2]

Move out asap and you will feel better.

We broke up for several reasons, such as I wasn't as good with his daughter and we both wanted to improve our mental health. he had a fit he would start throwing stuff around or punching things. When he and I broke up, his ex wife had just moved in. He wanted to be with her. I'm moving out soon.

[Cali91]

I'm not choosing to stick around. I physically cannot leave. My parents won't let me move in with them until I have a job where they live.

[Wiseman2]

As soon as you get that organized and move, you will be out of this chaos and feel better.

My parents won't let me move in with them until I have a job where they live.

[Cali91]

I just got a confirmed start date...so that's good. But now I'm concerned about them. They keep fighting every day and it's getting worse..

[bulletproof]

I just got a confirmed start date...so that's good. But now I'm concerned about them. They keep fighting every day and it's getting worse..

 

I know it sounds heartless, but their family unit is not your problem anymore. It probably never should have been.

You mentioned you have more "patience" than his ex-wife. I think that's a nice thing to tell yourself, but it sounds more like you have a way higher tolerance for poor treatment than you should.

Going forward, anger problems and suicide threats are things that should have you walking out the door.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent, now arrange the move asap. You are a third wheel in their household. They are a family, no matter how dysfunctional. They can sort it out themselves.

I just got a confirmed start date...so that's good. But now I'm concerned about them. They keep fighting every day and it's getting worse..