Help me stop from going back

[Hellen]

Just to give a picture of what my marriage was like I have to make quite a long story.I think my husband had been abusing me emotionally during our entire 8 years of marriage.It was very subtle at first that I did not really notice how he eventually controlled me emotionally.There were some isolated physical abuse although I was not bruised or anything like that it still hurt me emotionally specially my self esteem.He had not been working for almost 4 years now and he was never any help around the house.To top it all he had been abusive with my two boys who are now 5 and 6 years old.I never got the strngth to leave him before but last year in the mids of my frustrations I had an online affair, he found out about it and the physical and emotional abuse just escalated.That affair is over now and I also left my husband .I did not expect it but my two boys are heart broken about me leaving their father.I thought they are fine with it since their dad had not been treating them well.They still go to their father everytime I'm at work and I work 3 times a week.Their father had suddenly turned into this wonderful father that he never was.I think it's his way of trying to get back at me.I still did not get any councelling until now until now and sometimes I still feel like going back specially when the kids starts making me feel like i turned them down for leaving their dad.

[ang3l2004]

I am really sorry that you had to go through that,But an affair was not the answer,You did not make any kind of mistake because you were not happy,Your children may be upset but there father is still there for them but they dont understand that he was never there for you,When you are emotionally abused and controlled like I have been it wears you out it takes everything out of you,It makes you feel like you are worth nothing and makes you feel real low,Mabe the best thing for you to do was to get out of it.

 

Are you happy now?I know seeing your kids unhappy from time to time may hurt you but do you think this was the best choice due to the reasons why you left him?He may be doing what he is doing because you are gone thinking it will bring you back or get you so bad that you wont take it anymore,Be strong and be yourself,Make yourself happy and do the best you can do raising your kids under the circumstances.Do you feel that you can handle much more of what happened before again?It might even be 10 times worse or mabe even better but would you be happy?

[Hellen]

Thanks for your reply.I actually feel better now that I'm out of both relationships although I still have my low days specially when I have this feelings of inadequacy to take care of my kids.I only want the best for them and I don't want to make a mistake.I've read a lot about abused women and I know that depression and feelings of inadequacy are long term results of abuse.I have a good family support system and I'm thankful for that.I'm not totally helpless since I earn enough to give my two sons a good future but it's just my emotinal scars.

[ang3l2004]

I admire the fact that you are a good mother and you are looking out for both of your children,I know exactly what it feels like to be depressed and have scars that you just cant seem to get rid of it hurts and it's hard but you have to be strong,I am glad to see that you made the right decision for you and now that you have done that you cannot go back,I am not saying you cant really just that you should not,Think about it this way you loved this man yes you had an affair he has hurt you and scarred you but dont you think if you go back that he will just hurt and damage you even more,Be a strong independent mother and show this man that you are happy now without him and you will not take abuse anymore,I wish you the best of luck and anytime you need to talk just Pm me on here and I will talk to you,I know how it is to feel the way you feel and it is the worst thing in the world just keep your head up and post when you feel you need to! Goodluck!

[cleverme123]

I can tell you kids will always be angry at the fact you left their father, that is for now. As they grow and see the traits and things that he did to them it will make it much easier to see why you did what you did. They are angry because they don't understand. Kids are born thinking they have to love their parents no matter what, and when something bad happens they usually blame it on themself instead of saying my dad/mom made a mistake. I work with a lot of kids that have this issue. Don't feel like you made a mistake because any time you walk out of an abusive situation you are doing the right thing for yourself and your kids. You just have to stay strong, take yourself and boys to therapy and see if that helps, they may be able to put things in perspective a bit. Good luck.

[Hellen]

Thanks for your encouraging words.I'm still worried about the effects the separation has on my two sons.I think they feel that it is all my fault because I was the one who went out of the house.I think my husband is still stressing to them that they should convince me to go back.My younger one would cry for his father when he is with me and he would say things like mommy it's all your fault.I try to explain to them why I left but they just can't seem to understand that hitting is enough reason for me to leave.It really upset me when they are like that.Sometimes I feel like going back and I feel guilty for letting them go through all this.

[cleverme123]

I think your ex husband probably is telling your kids its your fault. Abusers never think anything is their fault nor do they care that they put the kids in the middle. Stay strong stick to your guns and believe me you are doing the right thing.

[cleverme123]

Think this way....would you rather stay there and let your sons see you get abused and have them grow up thinking its ok to pick on women because women are weak.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

He is obviously using the kids to try to get you to return and submit to more of his abuse. If you go back, it will be nice for a little while, then the tension will build, and he will be the same guy you finally worked up the courage to get away from. DO NOT give in. Abusive men do not change. If you have documentation of his abuse, try to get sole custody of the children in the divorce, with him getting visitation that does not involve you seeing him. If you see a lot of him, he will punch your buttons, and eventually, you may go back. That would be a very BAD thing. Oh, and if he says he has changed, he hasn't. They all say that.

 

Google "Emotional Abuse", and look at what comes up. You may see some things that are very familiar - do not fall back into the trap.

 

Whatever you do, don't go back "for the sake of the kids", or your sons will learn that how he treated you is exactly how they should treat a woman when they grow up and have relationships of their own. What you have done by leaving, even though it is hard, is as much for the kids, as it is for you. NEVER forget that, no matter what he says, or what he manipulates your children into saying.

 

Oh, and congrats for getting out. Most do not have the courage to do what you have done, and just live their whole lives miserable, thinking that "this must be the way things should be because he says so."

[Shadows Light]

I agree... you have done the right thing for your boys and YOU and have taken the courageous step of getting out. My girls are 6 and 3 and I keep telling them I love them. I do not talk about their father negatively at all. In fact I tell them all the time he loves them. I told my 6 year old why.... I told her its because of the "fighting" and its not nice to fight...and if we don't live in the same house, we won't fight anymore. She understands. And seems to be adjusting. Their father... has become the "DisneyLand Dad" all of a sudden he's doing things with them and for them that he's never done before. The picture of a "perfect dad" and I say.."WONDERFUL" good for him. For his sake, I hope he keeps it up... because children.. are very smart...they WILL figure things out on their own sooner or later. So saying, you do not have to say anything to your boys...just remain positive. Do not go back.. it will get worse, he will hold this against you forever. The other posts are correct. Abusers will manipulate and yes...its never their fault. Mine started out so very subtley that I look at myself today and wonder... How the hell did this happen. Courage... Stay strong... and believe in yourself.