Progress!

[mustlovedogs]

I'm more posting this so people in the early stages of break-up healing can hear another story about a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I'm just over 6 months post BU from my LDR of two years. And, for whatever reason, I have made HUGE strides in the last week.

 

I started NC in early February and it was so hard. I could tell I was healing a bit while we were talking, but I really had to ween myself off him to get over the addiction. NC sucks! The first month was hard, but it got easier. But I still held on to hope that he would come back - and, even now, I still don't think our story is necessarily over.

 

BUT, even if it is, I'm doing alright. I won't lie and say that I'm great and life is rainbows and butterflies. I still miss him, but I don't need him. And I think I'm at the point where I miss the idea of him and the companionship.

 

For the first few months, I had this crippling fear that he was the best I could get. What if I never loved again? What if I did, and the love just never compared? What if he gets to be happy and I pine over him for many more months (or years?!). There was a lot of insecurity. I didn't think I necessarily DESERVED to love again. I didn't feel worthy of someones attraction. I could list a million reasons why no one would ever want me and why he would be able to move on so easily.

 

I think this was just exacerbated by how successful his life appears to be. House, car, girlfriend, great job. And here I am, unemployed, moving back home ahead of grad school, and still woefully single. I just couldn't get out of my own head. He's winning, I'm losing, I'm a loser.

 

That toxic thinking was crushing. It's absolutely paralyzing to have so much self-loathing that I find it impossible anyone else could love me. And it was consuming for months. Luckily, it began to wane, but slowly.

 

Strangely enough, I think I made my progress when I stalked him on social media and saw that pictures of him and his new gf on social media. That killed me for a day or two. I couldn't stop thinking of them. I'm sure most people here would claim that it was my own fault for stalking him and I should learn from it. In the moment, I agreed, but I whole-heartedly disagree now.

 

My healing has progressed SO much since then. I finally got angry enough to write in my journal and vent about all the things about our relationship I wasn't happy with. And I wrote about what I wanted from a relationship. From that, I saw that I really wasn't "crazy", "clingy", or "needy" (of course, I had MOMENTS, but it wasn't a dominating personality trait). I was a very loving, caring girlfriend who put more in than my ex. And I don't fault him for that, but what we wanted from relationships was different. And I started to realize there are guys out there that will put as much effort in as I did. I've seen that from all the men posting about their heartbreaks on here Suddenly, my thought process changed. I DESERVE to be loved. I deserve to be respected, and missed, and to be the person that makes someone else light up at the end of the day.

 

I'm still scared I'll be single for a long while or that I'll have to suffer through another heartbreak. But I'm more prepared for that than I was before.

 

I'm posting today because I told myself when I started NC that I wouldn't reach out first unless NC reached his birthday, in which case I would reach out. Well, today is his birthday. And it's generally been a good day! I woke up and my first thought wasn't "yippee, today is his birthday and I can break NC!" It was something more neutral - maybe how I slept weird, or had a weird dream. And I made it through the whole day and finally just sent him a casual text. "Happy birthday [name], hope you're doing well He replied cordially, we talked a bit, and I was fine.

 

Perhaps this is the last time I'll ever talk to him. It's possible. And of course that thought makes me sad, but it's not crushing. I told myself I would re-activate my dating profile tomorrow. And this timeline worked great for me. It gave me a goal, a date to look forward to where I had to be independent. And in those 75-odd days, I made an enormous amount of progress. I'm not 100% healed, but I'm finally at a point where I know I will be someday. I know I'll be ok.

 

When I was in the early days of my breakup, people told me I would feel better by 6 months. I totally understand that 6 months sounds SO FAR AWAY. That thought was so crushing to me early on. But it gets better. Luckily, our brains choose not to cling to bad feelings - so in a few months, you won't remember nearly as clearly how you can't sleep or eat or go more than a few hours without crying. It's slow, and it's awful, but it gets better

[confusedchel12]

Wow this post is as if I've wrote it. I know exactly how you feel as I'm in the same stage as you, knowing I'll be OK, seeing my ex with his new gf killed me but now that's fine, I still get very angry and work out things in my head I would say too him, not that I ever would, but still, I do want the anger to go away as that's holding me back. While I'm angry though he isn't up on a pedestal with me making him out to be the bees knees because he's far from it, yes he knew how to treat me but he only treated me that way because of how I made him feel which in turn makes me a good girlfriend too. My ex is the type to go from girl to girl I've lately realised that from taking a step bk, big reg flag I should have seen at the very start, he was 21 when we got together and already had 5 relationships 3 of which were serious, then me, he said I was his first love, he was single 6 months after me before the new girl, but even looking at his past record I still feel he will last with this one, I know its none of my business but it still hurts. Why does he get to be happy after how he treated me!

 

Anyway I'm so happy for you, keep up the hard work, one day you won't care and neither will I if you ever need to talk just message me ❤

[mustlovedogs]

I'm happy that you're at this stage too! It's been a long time coming but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'll PM you sometime tonight

[jayceeanne]

I agree. This thread feels like I wrote it. I was 6 months with no contact and finally feeling like I had moved on. Untill he messaged me on my bday and we talked for hours as if nothing had happened. That was a week ago, and we have been in contact the whole time. Untill today. I felt like I was right back at square one again, and I couldnt stand it. I told him I couldnt talk to him anymore, and Ive begun my healing process all over again. Thank you for sharing your story. Im just like you, I dont have false hopes and Im not waiting around, who knows if anything will come of us again, only time will tell.