I don't think I will survive much longer...

[DarkWolf]

5 times I have tried to commit suicide. I would sometimes use a rope and try to wrap my neck until i would start gagging and sometimes left it on longer till it felt like I was cut. I would grab my neck with my hands and choke myself and one time my nails went into my neck and It was bleeding but it didn't hurt. My whole face was reddish-pink every time. I would punch myself till it hurt so bad sometimes I couldn't breathe that easy. I would cut myself on the neck and arms with sissors, pencils, and my own nails until the pain wouldn't go away. I have 5 scars still visible on my arms but no one notices at school and I still have 3 scars on my neck from last attempt. I'm scared. I don't wanna die but at the same time I do. I'm thinking it may get worse, and it does. I haven't had a girlfriend but still get called a gentlemen. I am sometimes very nice. I have tried suicide by getting so cold that when I walked in the school I was shaking for more than 30 mins. Still nobody notices because no one cares. I have gotten in trouble today for something really stupid. I don't wanna die. Also I have had dreams about some stuff and they acially came true. What really scares me is one dream was about me commiting suicide in my bed. I don't think that's good since my dreams always came true in the future. Everyone is nice to me but I still want to commit suicide. I'm afraid. I don't see how you think it's possible to dream of reality but i'm not lying. If I dont stop I may end up acially killing myself in the summer which seems likely enough to happen to me. My friend said don't and I said I wouldn't but now I can't get the thought out of my head. Right now I think I should take a knife and slash myself till I bleed and die. People are are making fun of me a little and they don't notice it at all. I'm fine with my family. They know I have done this. I just can't stop. I want my life to end. I think I laugh too much in school and I hate it. I hate not having anyone. I hate the way I look even though I look a little normal. I hate not having anyone that cares. No one not noticing. I just want to end my life. I'm afraid and frightened. I hate my school even though a lot of people are really kind. I hate everything about me. I just wish my life will end quick before I go further till I acially kill myself. Only 2 people that are my friends know about this. Just yesterday I had tried yet another suicide attempt. Also today too but it wasn't as bad as the ones when I walked around feeling so hot that I was sweating from being choked from a rope. During that time I had tried to hang myself. All attempts failed. Please I need help... I don't think I'll even survive before I'm 15 or 16. I don't think I'll live before I even get a date. People say I don't look the suicidal type but I am. I am now crying. I want to die, just die and I think I will if I don't stop... I never want to talk about cause I think it would make matters worse. I hate attension and I'm a little shy and I can't talk about this. When you look at me I am smiling but deep inside I am suicidal.

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

YOu really need to find someone who you can tell about how you feel!!!!

[Krazy]

I don't see how you think it's possible to dream of reality but i'm not lying.

 

I know it's true, i've had dreams that came ture before... although nothing real bad.

 

Try to focus on the good things in life... talk to peeps about how you feel. I've gone through these things before, although not as bad. If you know you don't want to die don't kill yourself. Give it time. It's not easy for everyone but just live they way life is played out for you. Don't let things bother you like they do. Eventually something good will happen to you, just give it time.

[DarkWolf]

I'm afraid of it getting worse if I talk to someone and I don't like the attension. I just feel like It may get worse. Sometimes I wished there was a sniper out by my window. Dear God help me...

[tanned_production]

Wow, you really need help. No offence... but you're only 14 and this is happening!?

 

Talk to someone you trust... we can try to help as much as we can, but we're just here over the internet...

 

But I am here for you, PM me if you want to talk . I promise I wont judge, or label you... I'm just here.

 

You can overcome this, I know you can... you really sound like you want to change... you can do it

 

[Krazy]

If you don't talk to someone about it I think that there's only two other options, there may be more but these are the two i've always thought of:

 

1.) Living with it teaching youself how to take care of it. Think about why you want to die and figure out how to fix it. For one just go your own way. Forget about what others think of you (if it's a bad thing). This is what I did but I didn't have any severe/bad case of going suicide. Eventually you'll get over it. I kno that everyone is different but this one worked for me.

 

2.) and then theres just giving up.

 

But don't focus on what I just said above because im sure others have some other things that I just can't think of. Your still young so there's still things that will happen later on.

 

-Sorry if any of my posts make no sense and are completely dumb/stupid. I was never good at giving advice

[DarkWolf]

Don't worry I don't think it's bad. I have tried that and it is good advice but It just didn't work for me. It might have if I tried more but I just gave up. I'm just so down I just don't think I can be helped in any way. I do trust most of my friends and the ones I do I just don't trust them with this topic. It feels like they made matters worse. I just don't think anything can help me...

[tanned_production]

I dont believe that for a second. I think that you are wanting to change... I really respect you for what you've told us.

 

You CAN change, and believe it or not, there are people that are willing to help, dont be ashamed, or scared to trust. Believe in yourself. I wish I could help you more... you've really tugged at my heart.

[Hillary1991]

Ok, I'm older than all of you. You must listen. YOu need to talk to someone. If your parents know you've tried this several times and aren't taking action, talk to a counselor at school. Do it for YOURSELF. Don't live like that - it sounds miserable. Don't be lazy or wait. Talk to a counselor. It doesn't sound like your parents are doing very much or maybe they don't know the extent. Your life will change COMPLETELY post high school Trust me. Whatever school pressures or peers are making you upset - it will only get better down the road. Once you're done with school. I know that may seem like ages away but you are sooooo young and just make a promise to yourself to wait it out. In the meantime. PLEASE talk to a counselor. If you off'd yourself, it would be such a waste. Your life has yet to begin.....

[DarkWolf]

I am really shy and I don't usually like to start a conversation. I have tried talking to someone but they just threatened me to tell someone which made me more suicidal for some reason. Everyone I know has had a girlfriend except me. Even my brother has and now my brother is getting picked on at school for some stupid reason. My enemy's are a nicer to me for some reason. Life may be getting better but I can't stand attension. I just don't like it. It's just because I may do something stupid during the conversation. One period goes to laughing to complete saddness. It's like people are playing with my emotions. It's not funny. It's making me feel worse and worse. I can't stand it. I just don't like teasing even if it's playing. Some people don't care if thier friends do but I do. Some reason I talk better on the internet. I have a lot of friends but it's just I don't know who I am. Also I have never been labeled. I never knew my birth mother or my father. I was adopted because my real mother wanted me to have a father. Some reason most of my friends are girls. I am really shy and I think they would be sad if I even told them this. I don't want anyone emotionly hurt. I just hate trying to kill myself. I really don't want to kill myself but since I really can't talk around my friends... It seems like the only possible choice... I just don't want anyone hurt emotionly when I die though and that's whats holding me back. My brother once when he was 12 took up a knife and threatened to kill himself one day. My family is not falling apart just my life outside. I have never been invited to any parties except 5 and one was mine. 6th grade was the last party I went to and I haven't been to one six years. But that was mine. Now I just don't care about my birthday. I don't care about most holiday's. I don't like to get out of the house. But this is part of which is tearing me apart...

[DarkWolf]

That's is partly what is holding me back too what you just said but It seems it may get worse.

[DarkWolf]

I'm feeling a little bit better. I just hope this never happens again. Thanks for your help.

[tanned_production]

Keep us posted okay? You deserve so much better

 

[Lark]

Hi,

 

Boy your post brought back memories! I was a suicidal teenager too. I got through it but needed to ask for help. I'm glad today I did because once your dead it's over.

 

I didn't want to die, I just didn't want to feel the uncomforable feelings I had inside. Being a teenager is a not easy for some of us.

 

What I learned in therapy was tools to help me deal with uncomforable feelings. Most feelings are "fear" based. Also most are based on this model- "I am afraid of losing what I have or not getting what I want".

 

To get through any situation I have to do three things. (((Feel, Deal then Heal. In that order.))) I can't feel bad and kill myself, I have to feel bad and then figure out why I am afraid. Once I figure out why I am afraid I have to face that fear to overcome it.

 

How do you do that? I used to write it on paper, what my fear was. Then I asked myself if it was a real danger or an ungrounded, unfounded fear, a false fear. If it was a real fear then how can I change it? If it was a unfounded one then I tried to put it out of my mind.

 

The ungrounded or unfounded ones are not real. The thinking someone doesn't like you or you don't fit in ones are just stuff you make up in your head. Now if somebody says they want to beat you up that is a real one! Then you have to decide what to do about it. That is when you have to deal with it to overcome it. Once you do it goes away because you faced it.

 

As a teenager I avoided my fears. Today I handle them and they don't rule me anymore. It takes a lot less energy to just face them then it does to carry them around and run from them.

 

I hope this helps and best of Luck,

 

Lark

[CrystalDawn]

Hi,

I know how you feel I'm the same way I act okay but I'm really dying inside. I have like no one I can talk to since my step brother moved. I know what it's like to be shy, I have been for years I hate to much attention. It's just a matter of finding something that you love doing. For me it's writting I hate leaveing a story unfinished but by the time I've finished one story I've started another. For you it could be anything. It all depends on what you like doing. You can contact me any time.

[spiderman_56]

It's okay to feel sad , lonely , angry ..all those emotions , because they are a part of u , u can't really ignore who you are or what you feel ..if u do , it's just gonna come back and haunt 10 thousands times more ...

Life is all a game , like a role playing game ... if you are on the loosing side , the choice is up to you , either you drop out , or you stand your ground ,take charge and get what you want from life .. that's what make loosers and winners .... even if nothing goes ur way , if u have the desire to change it , you will succeed...

Everything else , girls , money , friends , fame .. they are all "accessories" you get them in a blink of an eye if you get your mind , attitude in the proper order ...

There is one oriental proverb that says that the greatest most powerful and challenging enemy someone will ever have is itself ... don't let ur fears get control of you ... You are born to be a star .. don't let it slip away and stand your ground ...

You need help in "understanding" society ... talk to people , your mom or dad .. they have been through it and have learned many lessons from which u could benefit and understand how the "twisted" manking acts ... 0X

[kuroshiro]

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better, DarkWolf. What you're going through sounds, almost like if you're stuck on the edge of a cliff, but falling down isn't the only escape you have. Granted, I've never tried to commit suicide before, well, not physically, anyway (um, too sensitive to pain, let's just say) but I have gone through the major depressions, and I know how those feel. I get what you mean by family holding you back. Y'know what I did when I just felt like i was tripping over the edge? I had pictures of my family and letters from my friends everywhere. Especially in places where I knew I'd be alone and...well, uh, tempted to go too far. That way, with the pictures and everything, I'd always be reminded of why the heck I'm putting up with it all for one more day. Cuz that's really all you can think about. You can't see yourself as dealing with the pain for the rest of your life--it's just too long and pointless then. But if you take it day by day, promise not to hurt yourself for just the next minute, the next ten minutes, the next hour and so on, and you constantly remind yourself of those you care about, it won't feel so overwhelming. Anywho, that's what I did when I hit the bottom of the bottom and then fell into a pot hole. I hope it helps you some cuz...yeah, I think that's all I can help you with. I'm not too good with people either. And I try my best to make sure no one will ever get hurt by what I do. (maybe that's why I have so few friends ) Yeah, that and I'm kinda, sorta majorly shy too. ...to the point where people wonder if I'm mute...yeah, that should give you a good idea. But anywho, if you ever need to talk (yes, yes, I know you've probably heard that about a dozen times already and are rolling your eyes right now) just chat with someone--on line if you have to. It doesn't have to be about suicide, or what your feeling, sometimes, you just can't be alone, even if it means that that loneliness is being temporarily filled by a stranger four hundred miles away from you. Um, I'm starting to feel extremely self consciouss about how long this is already so I better go now. or else I'll start adding chapters to this thing! um, last minute, if you don't mind talking to an insane weird stranger, pm me (whatever that is) or, if you have msn, yell at me for making this so long. email removed good luck with everything, man.

[MetallicAguy]

WOW , you have soooooooooooooooo many years to get a date. Most of the time it's really easy, you just have to get some motivation to ask...plus girls love to talk so it's not very hard. If your average looking like you say you are, try asking out someone that you think "matches your attractiveness". You have a lot more confidence about it. There is millions of girls in America (if that's where your from) and in other countries, searching for a guy, just like your searching for a girl. Don't feel bad about it. And about those jerks that make fun of you, y'know what they're probably going to either 1. work for you when you get a good job and you can give them **** and a hard time 2. Work at McDonalds, flippin' patties for the rest of their life because their losers. Anyway, besides that, a year ago I wasn't good with women. They'd label me as a friend and nothing more really. I asked this one girl out and she said "I don't know, I'm busy all week". Then I just said "Next week?" and then she'd always make up some excuse like family was coming over and **** like that. Now I look back at that and I just think to myself "Haha, I sucked so much back then if I had the knowledge I had now I could have gone out with her.". And like someone else said in another post, your life has just yet begun. Seriously man, there is A LOT of women out there. Just because you can't get the unreal, stunningly HOT high-maintenance ones doesn't mean your life is over. I actually had the same reason as you except I didn't attempt suicide; I did something positive about it. My thought was God I hate how all of my friends have had gf's and I've had none." That's basically what made me ask out several women and learn from it and it sparked some interest for me to learn about women's body language. I asked a lot of girls I thought were decent to good looking and I got rejected alot mostly because my attempts half the time sucked. I got 10 dates, learned a lot of women and different types. Body language when flirting and asking out women helps a lot. But seriously dude, don't kill yourself you have A LOT to live for. Go watch What A Wonderful Life. It basically shows what life everyone would have without this one dude on Christmas. And it turns out that if he hadn't lived a lot of people were really boring without this guy. He was basically the life of the party.

[DarkWolf]

I came back home crying because another dream came true. I'm starting to think that I'm really going to commit it. I don't get out of the house much because I don't get invited. After that last post I starting using my nails again. At school I started useing a pencil and scartched myself and used pens and now I have A bruise that has a little hole from where i started. It's getting worse and worse everyday. I'm starting to think I'm gonna commit it. It's not just girls. It's just that I think nobody cares about me because I haven't been invited anywhere since at least 3rd grade. This person saw me and started telling everyone. This one person said go ahead be my guest kill yourself. He said he didn't care. This other person said who would do that. This other person asks why. It was way noticeable. I'm not sure but I think someone saw me do it at lunch and got ticked and she showed a pen mark and I didn't know why she did it. Maybe because she noticed at lunch or this person I hate told her. I don't know if she was threatening me she would do the same or what. I stopped and then 3 dreams came true in that one day. And like I said on the top I had a dream of suicide. I'm starting to think is true. I guess I'm gonna be dead at some time during the summer. I never said suicide they just took It that way. This is another reason why I can't talk to anyone about this...

[MetallicAguy]

Well, if you believe in God and go to church. I think he's testing your faith. If you don't then he's testing if you will do it and go to Hell. Or save yourself and find some peace in God and be able to be an upbeat, happy person like you once were.

[arwen]

Darkwolf,

 

I am glad you're still posting here. You are shy and don't open up easy, or start a conversation. Those are not personal flaws or anything. There are people who will always be on top of every conversation. You are 14, I remember being the most lonely and miserable at that time for the same reasons.

 

I must say, you are not an easy speaker - you say - but you certainly do have a talent for writing. That is something to cherish, and it can really help you. I have been there, and am still there from time to time - depressed. Writing can really help you if you feel you are too introvert to really talk in person. Even in therapy you can bring diaries.

 

My first therapy started with a drawing because there was no way I could talk about what I was feeling. And still, if I do, it's mostly without emotion.

 

I hope writing helps you too. Just keep on doing it here whenever you need. We are here for you.

 

Ilse.

[DarkWolf]

Ok about drawing, everyone used to say my drawings sometimes show my emotions. Is this showing any? They used to say it sometimes and I thought it didn't but I was young then and I need some opinions. I hate this one because I get better and better at drawing. And I did get better anyway can you see any hidden messages in there? I just don't understand anything...

link removed

[CrystalDawn]

It's often hard to see what others see in drawings, but I wouldn't worry to much about it if drawing is something you like to do then keep doing it.

[arwen]

Darkwolf, you are one talented guy. It's beautiful. Hidden messages?

 

I will just tell you how I see the drawing.

 

To me it expresses two major feelings. Pain and being unable to move away from the thing that causes the pain. That is what I see in this drawing, but that might just as well relate to myself. It's perception, I think there are people who are specialized in analysing these things into what it says about the artist, but it will always be interfered with their own perception and emotions.

 

I'd like to see more of your art, Darkwolf.

 

Ilse.