kuroshiro

wow...the majority of the people want to go from unfeeling to feeling. You seem to be going in reverse...well, if you want to go back to being cold, you'll have to work through your feelings now. Mostly cuz, what hurts, hurts. period. Those of us who have been/are cold deal with emotions rather poorly...either ignoring them, psyching ourselves out of them, occupying ourselves to not think about them, or spending years building up calluces through mantras (i.e. "I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care"). But since you just had a real rough time (break up?), your emotions are pretty much drowning you. Choking on your subcionscious, and conscious. You can ignore a puddle, even a river. You can't ignore a tidal wave. Best bet, try to vent out. Even if it's just to yourself. or you can talk to your pillow, whatever. if no ones around, then just talk outloud and hear yourself. yell, scream, punch something if you feel like it. cry if you want. let something out. then occupy yourself in doing something. hanging out with friends who won't make you feel worse is a good bet. and just don't let yourself think about it until you feel you're ready. Once you've dealt with the bulk of the emotional h-bomb, then you can work on going back to being cold. I'm not sure if any of this has helped, but I do hope you start feeling better soon.

This may sound a bit odd but, when was the last time you laughed, petalbud? really laughed? tear-jerking, can't think of anything else cuz you feel your gut about to burst laugh? It sounds like it's been a while. If you don't want to tell your counselor (which, if more than three people are advising to tell him/her, then it's probably the best choice), you'll have to work out the core of your problems on your own. be this family, personal history, bad memories/experiences, etc. You said you numbed yourself to feelings because they were too intense. I know how that feels. When you feel like you're choking inside, and about to burst at the same time. Thing is, the same feelings you numb, are at times, the feelings that help you really enjoy life. If you really want to get better, and not talk to a counselor, you'll have to find a way to confront what's eating at you inside. It'll hurt, like hell, but it won't kill you. And when you feel like you just can't take anymore, cool it, and find something that makes you laugh. a good laugh. anywho, g'luck. and i hope things work out.

mmm, best to try and avoid saying "can't": it's like chopping off your arm before trying to play the guitar. (not impossible, but it does make it highly difficult) Yeah, reality scares me too. And when I'm not careful, I run away from it. So you've got some guts admitting it to yourself and others and looking for advice. I don't know what it is in particular that corners you (since I"m guessing it's different for all of us) just remember that you're not glass. You won't break down if you don't let yourself. Mgr....that's about all I can offer unless you want to go into greater detail (chatting is always welcome).

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better, DarkWolf. What you're going through sounds, almost like if you're stuck on the edge of a cliff, but falling down isn't the only escape you have. Granted, I've never tried to commit suicide before, well, not physically, anyway (um, too sensitive to pain, let's just say) but I have gone through the major depressions, and I know how those feel. I get what you mean by family holding you back. Y'know what I did when I just felt like i was tripping over the edge? I had pictures of my family and letters from my friends everywhere. Especially in places where I knew I'd be alone and...well, uh, tempted to go too far. That way, with the pictures and everything, I'd always be reminded of why the heck I'm putting up with it all for one more day. Cuz that's really all you can think about. You can't see yourself as dealing with the pain for the rest of your life--it's just too long and pointless then. But if you take it day by day, promise not to hurt yourself for just the next minute, the next ten minutes, the next hour and so on, and you constantly remind yourself of those you care about, it won't feel so overwhelming. Anywho, that's what I did when I hit the bottom of the bottom and then fell into a pot hole. I hope it helps you some cuz...yeah, I think that's all I can help you with. I'm not too good with people either. And I try my best to make sure no one will ever get hurt by what I do. (maybe that's why I have so few friends ) Yeah, that and I'm kinda, sorta majorly shy too. ...to the point where people wonder if I'm mute...yeah, that should give you a good idea. But anywho, if you ever need to talk (yes, yes, I know you've probably heard that about a dozen times already and are rolling your eyes right now) just chat with someone--on line if you have to. It doesn't have to be about suicide, or what your feeling, sometimes, you just can't be alone, even if it means that that loneliness is being temporarily filled by a stranger four hundred miles away from you. Um, I'm starting to feel extremely self consciouss about how long this is already so I better go now. or else I'll start adding chapters to this thing! um, last minute, if you don't mind talking to an insane weird stranger, pm me (whatever that is) or, if you have msn, yell at me for making this so long. email removed good luck with everything, man.

wow.. comforting to know that other people are going through the same thing as me and getting stuck in the same rut. A pity the answers aren't grown on trees or rain from the sky or something. Anywho, I understand about the "pure self" thing. Do I believe it, well, maybe not (if a chameleon can change colors to camouflage, why can't I?), though that's because I have the tendency to flip things around in my head to make more sense. For example, if you can easily adapt to others, then your a social genius because you know exactly how to act to whom and when, but have you ever tried adapting yourself to the victim? You'd be surprised the results that can give you! The "flow" is your own perception of what is going around you. Invert that flow and you can, almost literally, swim against the current. Ah...you had a different question i think...how to erase all your insecurities....what, those little voices of doubt at the corner of your mind? Mmm, that takes time and dedication. I mean, if you really want to change and leave those things behind, it has to be a 24/7 thing. Think about it, you're going to fight against yourself here, you need all the heart you can muster. Still, it's not impossible, and if you do that "live each day as your last" you should be able to find the strength you need to ignore the little voices. It's kinda like jumping into a cold lake. You're standing on that little wooden platform thing shivering and looking down into the water you know is gonna turn you blue and you just want to run back to the beach or whatever and wrap up in a towel. But you also want to jump in. So what do you do? go against what you think is logic and just jump. To take down your insecurities, that's the best bet I know; just do it.

hm...so it's the hurt. Yeah, it is true that the longer people hold important stuff back the more pain it'll end up causing. And to be honest, I can't think of a good justification for what she did. We can ask why all we want, but in the end what it comes down to is, are you going to forgive her or not...but then there's no saying what the friendship would be based on if you can't trust her anymore. As for the impression...time does change those things. Once you see the ugly sides of people, well, it's a bit harder to hold onto the original feeling you had for them. It's all up to you, then. Whether or not it was dishonesty or just a personal slip, it still hurt you and affected your view of her. Nothing can erase that now. I mean, even if she said she was sorry and explained her excuse to you, the pain wouldn't just miraculously vanish from inside. And if you're asking whether or not to forgive her...well, that depends on what you feel and what you're willing to go through. Bah, sorry if I don't make much sense.

?? whoa, I'm a bit confused with the situation too. So...were you guys just friends or was there an agreement for a boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship thing? Cuz it could all just be a matter of perspective...or, as I keep reading and rereading what you wrote, you may be right-she was just toying with you. I get what your asking, about the whole honesty thing, and yeah, friends should be honest with eachother, but they also should try and understand eachother too. It'd be great if we could just go by first impressions and leave it at she was just playing you and likes to toy with other people's emotions. But since nothing is so simple, have you talked to her about it yet? Like I said, maybe it's just a point of view issue. Sometimes people hold stuff back cuz they don't want to hurt those they're close too, and yeah, there could be other motives here. Anywho, I can't really be of much more help, sorry man. Hope things turn out o.k.

What'll happen? Well, if she cares about you, she'll hug ya and tell you some nice mushy girl stuff. Not that that's bad in any way. It means she really does care about you. Um...what'll happen to you? First you'll feel like a fool for talking about it, then you'll feel stupid for the way it sounds sometimes, then you'll get into it, and eventually you'll feel something shift inside. In the end you'll feel better even if at first it doesn't seem like it. Let's see, your second part....(ah, sorry. It seems I'm an insomniac tonight. 12:19 and I can't fall asleep so I'm up writing to others so hopefully I won't be spilling jargon here)....the part about why you're not traumatized. Uh, define trauma....In the extremes, yeah, it's the people who went nuts over something. In the not-so-extremes its the physical/mental effects a circumstance can cause. Like your being closed about not being able to talk about your history/childhood/past choose the one that best fits. Really everything around you has traumatized ya in some way. Ever burned yourself with fire? Trauma. Ever almost got run-over by a stupid driver? More trauma. Ever been to a funeral? Trauma. Doctors? Trauma. Dentist? Oh yeah, that has trauma. For girls, gaenacologocist? Double the trauma. So you don't necesarily have to see it as something immense and life-altering. Still, keep in mind that it will affect you in some way. If you want to open up, well you'll have to figure that one out on your own. See it like swimming in a freezing lake. You can walk into it slowly, letting your body gradually get used to the cold, or you can just do a cannon ball and get it all over with in one jump. 's up to you. Hope everything turns out o.k.

I'm slightly confused...is your question about alcohol or depression? Or maybe I'm just confused because I'm writing all this at 11:52 pm....hope I manage to make sense. Well, if you're wondering about the alcohol thing, it is a depressant so it might be making you feel worse instead of better. And if you've developed a tolerance for it you may start drinking more and it'll just throw you into a whole new loop of depression and dependence. Anywho, wish I could help you out more on that one but as it is I can't stand the taste of beer or wine. ...and I'm eighteen....so many times have others tsk-ed at me. As for the depression, added to what I said earlier, it really doesn't matter what kind of life you lead when it hits, it hits. Like QTie...QTpie...said, it would probably help if you talked to someone about stuff. And get into something. Cars, drawing, painting, building. Anything to do that'll keep your mind off stuff when you feel really low. Oh, and about that girl you wrote. You don't have to talk to her or anything, but next time you see her, smile at her. (betcha ya wont think about your problems that much). Don't make things seem too big for you either. It's your choice in the end what you will do with your life. She's not out of your league. She's just another person. When you wake up do you rack your brains over what you'll wear to school or what you'll eat? Those are choices too. They just seem less important because you've done the same thing for the last sixteen years. Habit. You weren't born with it though. Same with this girl. You weren't born with the automatic button to ask her out. It's a choice you make then act on. That's how everything is. Anywho, if you ever want to just chat with a weirdo and/or kill some time write to me. You can see it as working on conversational skills. Though what will two introverts talk about, ya got me. Kinda interesting thought anyhow.

To love you must love yourself...and to love yourself? Ah, sorries, getting to far into things, aren't I? If you want to move on, choose it. Simple, no? Well, yes, it is. All our lives are dictated by choice. From the moment you wake up to the wee hours in the night when you weigh doing homework to getting an extra dream all you do is make choices. Emotions are no different. You're the one that has control. You decide. You said yourself that you feel it was your fault for getting picked on so much. *shrugs* it's not a question of bravery, it was just a choice. No more fantastic than choosing what you would wear or what cereal you'd eat. Fear is a choice as well. Whether or not you decide to succumb to personal comfort depends on you. You just have to see your decisions as nothing life-changing. Cuz then that just intimidates. You want to move on? Choose it. Don't make it feel too big for you, reduce the impact it has and challenge yourself to keep walking. If you've lasted twenty years alone inside then you're strong enough to carry your own weight. Heheh, you beat me by two years, I'm envious. Others see that as some kind of deficiency, but I don't. I know that such things may make one weak in social areas, but it also makes you strong in others. If you're still sane, you've won the biggest battle that takes many others down. If you can still wake up in the morning and know that you want to keep going, nothing will stop you but yourself. So make your choice. Anywho, I feel I've over talked again. Well, if you ever want/need to talk, just write to me, and don't worry, I'm so broken I don't think I could poke you with a stick let alone stab you in the back. But it's your choice, hope things work out for ya.

Emotions...those funny double-edged blades...Anywho, just keep in mind that emotions are an impulse kind of thing. If you need to show them and express yourself, you have to stop supressing them the minute you feel what you've tabooed. The minute, nay second you get the flicker of a thought or an idea towards your girlfriend, act on it. At first it may be simple, like just reaching out to touch her hand, her face, a little hug, a little kiss, (yeah, back it up with more creativity and less corniness)...etc. With time it should come more natural to you.

Time always changes things. Always. People grow up, people get tired of looking at the same face in the mirror. They can't help but try on new roles. Don't be too hard on your friends; they're probably just trying out new personalitites for college years ahead and haven't realize that they've strayed away from you. Depending on how long you've been friends, they still care about you and they don't want to hurt you. It would probably be a good idea to talk to them like you used to and see how they react. As for being interesting...You really don't want to change for the world. It's not a pretty path to walk down, haha, believe me! Anywho, if you have ever talked to anyone and enjoyed a conversation, you're interesting. You don't need to do any drastic changes physically or mentally. Though if you feel lonely or down try something spontaneous, either with people or without. Do something you enjoy and forget about all the other superficial people in the world! Be yourself and someone will come along.

Hm...this might help, it might not. i have a friend (well, two actually) that kind of have those...symptoms? characteristics? Anywho, they both have those emotional rollercoasters, where one day they'll either be abounding with energy and overly hyper, or happy and outgoing and such, and then they'll fall into a rut and be...dislodged from humanity, serious, solemn, saying that they feel numb inside and such. My friend said that it was bipolar disorder, and because of it she had these really bad episodes of depression where she would tell me pretty much what your friend told you about being "disconnected from herself." She told me that the worst thing anyone had done to her was left her alone (yeah, her friends left her and her family really wasn't a big help). She also said that encouraging words and support really helps her out. ...well, I hope it doesn't turn out to be that serious for your friend.

Hm....crazy. I dont' think I've had leg pains or lower back pains (unless I'm stressing the muscles). But I have had that freezing up thing before. Once, my dad had gone into my room and I remember him turning on the lights and saying something, but my body wouldn't respond. I couldn't open my eyes nor could I move my arms and legs. Worse, i couldn't even speak! I think in the end I whispered that I was awake but I didn't even hear myself. Once my dad left and went downstairs to his room I finally called "goodnight dad!" but....by then it was waaaay to late for that reaction. Hm, but I've never taken drugs or anything. Maybe it's mental? or diet?

I think we've all carried the barnacle of loneliness on our backs, and we know what it's like to get hurt because of what other people (thoughtlessly) do to us. Each and everyone of us carry the scars and scabs of life. I admire your positive out look on life, though! And I understand your fear, and your low self-confidence, I've been there too, and in a lot of ways, I'm still fighting it. K8tie Kool is right; you have to slowly start building up your positive emotions if you want to get out of the rut of a negative downslide. It's true that our emotions can be like the phoenix, arising from the ashes, but we do have to put in our part. I wish I could give you better advice, but in the end, we have to find our own ways of dealing with things (i.e, I have a very odd view of loneliness that makes it my friend instead of my enemy). I hope you can find your unique path, and if you ever need to talk...er...(sorry, kinda new here...)email? IM? yeah, I'll eventually get the hang of this