Enlightenment

[Wolfshook]

It's been more than 3.5 months since BU. And lately I've been going really bad because I was starting to realize it is over.

 

Yesterday I was watching the swingers and suddenly it came to me like a huge slap in a face, I suddenly realized in which direction our relationship was going for the last month of it.

 

Last month was terrible, I became clingy and really needy and demanding of her, pressuring her on some things I should not have to and in a way standing between her and her dreams (what she wanted to do was risky,but anyway I should not have poked my nose into that and rather be her support). I was and idiot,and on the other hand I was not really happy with my life, a lot of things were going downhill and I was working more than 10 hours a day + boss calling me to return even after I was done with job and came home. It all stressed me alot and it made me behave even more clingy.

 

In reality I was so unhappy that I wanted to break up with her in a way, I was constantly imagining life without her in my head. On the christmass eve as I finished my job it meant a week off of everything and not being very stressfull, I surprised her by buying her album with her favourite song and I was really happy for her. But it couldnt fix things that I done to her a week before (I had huge fight with her over something I should not have), I havent realized that before, allthough I apologized for my behaviour I didnt do it with my heart (oh I would love to have chance to apologize now) and it was worth sh*t.

 

Well few days later the D day came, every word she said was painfull to the bones, I was crushed, for 2 weeks I begged and pleaded and she was just being mean , I don't hate her for that, she had every right to do so. One day she apologized for being mean and few days later we had nice chat about everything, it was done, I started NC.

 

She broke NC few times since then,but it doesnt matter for the story (I have other thread about one of those occasions).

 

First month was the most painfull,pain is still here but I somehow got used to it and it's not constant, some days are good and some are bad.

 

I regret that I havent listened to her more closely, she was giving me hints on what was going on bad in our relationship, but I just put it under the carpet and havent done anything about it.

 

I don't resent her, I don't hate her, she had every right to do what she did.

 

It's funny how it all can come clearer in just a moment, for 3 months now I tought I get it but it was empty somehow, it just feels fuller now.

I'm thinking maybe on sending her one last mail, apologizing for everything,not in a heavy way,but in a light "emotionless" way, this might mean a closure for me.

But I will give it a few days, if it seems a good idea then, I will do it. Idk if I even need any more closure, I got the closure in my head...

 

... it's over.

[reinventmyself]

I'm thinking maybe on sending her one last mail, apologizing for everything,not in a heavy way,but in a light "emotionless" way, this might mean a closure for me.

But I will give it a few days, if it seems a good idea then, I will do it. Idk if I even need any more closure, I got the closure in my head...

 

 

no no no. . .if you need to write it, go ahead and then post it here.

You admit you've been doing better. Why risk a set back?

Read all over ENA if you don't believe me. Letters of apologies rarely make you feel better.

To the contrary.

One foot in front of the other. . .

[Wiseman2]

As odd as this may sound....this is a great place too be. As you get further from the eye of the storm it does all get clearer. Don't send her stuff, what's the end goal in that?

I don't resent her, I don't hate her, she had every right to do what she did.It's funny how it all can come clearer in just a moment, for 3 months now I tought I get it but it was empty somehow, it just feels fuller now.

[Raindrop22]

I get where you're coming from about writing an apology email.

I been writing in a journal. Some days I wish to sent the notebook to him and some days I tell myself no it's just for my own personal thing.

I mean only you know best.

If it's closure and you expect no response, then go for it.

I did that with an ex. 8 months later, he reached out and told me he missed me when we met up. He said the letter gave him stuff to think about. It was a way for him to see my last words being my apologies and it was closure for us both.

He didn't have a sour last thought of me. When we ended. It was a bad fight and he called it off. Worse feeling ever.

[jmann45]

Closing the relationship off with a positive note and nothing negative. Thats the best advice i can give and the best thing ive learned through many relationships. Always end on a positive note. And expect nothing back. Say your goodbyes.

[Wolfshook]

I've been thinking about it, and I wont be sending her anything. She gave me closure when she said it's over (and few weeks ago when she wanted to talk about feelings and she told me she has feelings for me but not enough for relationship,and she cant see me in non romantic way so no friendship either), and the only closure I need is that one in my head,and I can sense it's near.

 

I'm not afraid of her not replying to me,I'm more afraid of her replying to me and that is most probable outcome since 2 weeks ago she kinda asked me for coffee again.

 

I would love to get her back,but at this stage I understand that it's over and that in reality I havent fixed all of the issues yet ,and even if we do get back it would not end good. So it's time to let her out of my heart.

 

Thank you guys for your replies, ENA helped me in great ways,you are wonderfull comunity.

[Wiseman2]

Agree with this.

I've been thinking about it, and I wont be sending her anything. She gave me closure when she said it's over and the only closure I need is that one in my head.